Long, tiresome day...
Found out I'll never have money again...
Perhaps I should whore my self out and become a stripper
or a Hooter's girl.
But I think Jason values me too much to ever let me do that. Knowing him, he'd pay off my bills to stop me...And I can't let him do that...
Not that there is anything wrong with being in the sex industry... But it's not me... I value my brains too much, I don't spend hours in the lab pondering over Hexane and Benzo-18-6 molecules, to take of my dress and give drunk, old men cheap treats at the end of the day.
But I digress...
So... I am broke... Car - less.... And due to lack of money -- in severe nicotine withdrawal...
Oh, and my roommate is a nut-case bitch... But that's a whole different node...
But non of my problems matter this morning, because my Jason is not happy... He is strong, he is optimistic, he is the one that holds my head down when I am coughing up my lungs, he is the one that holds me when I wake up crying... He is the one that hides the razor when he knows I am just upset enough to cut myself to make the pain in my mind go away.
Seeing him sad crushes me...
He is so wonderful, kind, funny...
Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve him...
I never loved anyone like I love him... I cheated on every single guy I've dated... I know I said before I didn't about a few cause it's not a proud thing to admit... But I did... But with Jason... I could never want anyone as long as he loves me... He is like an angel. When we make love, we make love.... And only in his embrace to I truly understand the meaning of the word.
He is the best lover I ever had, and probably ever will, everyone else... They seem like a bad dream... He is my hero, my sanity, my knight in shiny armor and a black Accura...
And he is sad... I know I am borderline of committing a mortal sin -- I am aware I idolize our love. But he is worthy of it, even when I think I am not...
To me, seeing him sad is up there, almost like seeing my mother cry...
I don't know what to do, he is sad because other when me and him, his life is not being very nice to him, I am not going to get into details, they are not mine to share, but I just always thought great people like that should get better... And tonight he was sadder than I ever seen him...
And even depressed, he is still kind, he doesn't do what I do, he doesn't fight, yell, cry, cut, throw things, he is still my noble Jason...
He is calm...
He worries more that I will get sleep, than that he will be OK. I don't know what to do... I don't know what to offer someone who has done so much for me... I don't know how to make him happy, I want to take all his pain away, and I want those beautiful eyes to loose their dark shadow . I want him to smile...
But I can't fix the world, all I can do is offer him myself, all of me, my heart, my soul, my unconditional love, knowing that I will be there no matter what.
But a part of me always fears that it’s not enough...