Yesterday I ended up getting sick at work and having to leave a bit early. A friend of mine is trying to stop drinking as much. Later that I night I thought about how much I take to try and get some sleep, and I was inspired by someone else committing to change so I decided to try it as well. I went to sleep, and woke up at 3:47. I thought I might fall back to sleep if I stayed in bed, but I never did. I ate a bowl of cereal for breakfast, had some gluten free pretzels and snacks, then I had a ham sandwich on gluten free bread at lunch. It came on very suddenly, I was too hot, then too cold, or maybe it was the other way around. I asked my boss if I could go somewhere for a while. I wasn't hungry, but I felt like food might help. Eventually I felt a bit better, and went back to my desk. Then I was sitting there and thought that I might be sick right in the service drive. I asked if the things I was doing could wait until Monday, talked to my boss again, and left.
When I got home I made myself some ham and eggs. I felt much better after that, but was still not one hundred percent. I was worried about what people might say, especially my boss who is very organized and efficient, but he was very matter of fact about it, and told me to go home and rest. He said I looked like I wasn't feeling well, and then he said that the guy who was next to him was ugly all the time, we laughed at that, the guy next to him is actually fairly good looking in my opinion, but he is the type who would have said that regardless. Driving home I was nervous that I might pass out, I was still quite light headed, but I made it home safely and am grateful for that. I was still laying around when my friend called this morning. She asked if I wanted to go to the lake so that is what we ended up doing. I grabbed a blanket which now needs to be washed, but I am happy to do that and probably would have washed it anyways.
My new job is a mixed bag. I really enjoy one of the guys I work with, not totally sure he is my new boss, but I refer to him as such since he sits behind me and is my superior in our department as is the other guy. Neither of us are real happy with the recent addition. He wanders away from his desk, some of that is normal in our jobs; we need to go to parts, talk to the techs, eat lunch, use the restroom, or chat with our friends on a break. He takes it to an entirely new level. Yesterday someone's dad waved, there is a spot beyond my desk that is protected by a glass window, people can get snacks and coffee there, when I waved back to the guy, the man I work with told me that he had been waving at him, not me. I didn't really care one way or another, I am at work and as an employee think it is best to wave at a customer even if you think they may be waving at someone behind you because it is a reasonable presumption that not waving could be construed as rude. It is not a big deal, and I don't see what the point is other than to make me feel bad. Who cares if I waved at someone on accident? Hardly the social crime of the century here.
More things happen, I forget what, but I turned to him and said; fuck you. Not my best moment, but I was fed up with his drama and bullshit. He told me I was being too sensitive and some other things. I told him that this is a new position for me, I am still very overwhelmed, and that my parents beat the shit out of me so yes, I do tend to be wary of people who are putting me down, even if it seems as if it may be in jest because I have no way of knowing who is kidding, and who might take someone out on me physically. I don't like the guy, but doubt he would actually hit me, and am pretty sure he wouldn't, but the other stuff is just as bad. I can't remember if I wrote about the guy that I think likes me, or how that has changed, but there was an incident with him and this guy, and that bothered me as well. I did go out and ask him if there was anything I could do, not knowing what the exact situation was, he said no, and then thanked me which was nice of him. I could tell he was smoldering and probably furious, perhaps I will never learn why, but he's generally not given to strong displays of emotion so I wonder what happened.
My oldest has mono and I feel so disconnected from her. I remember my siblings having it and how ill they were. An aunt of mine was hospitalized, all I can do is pray for her and let her live her own life, and quite frankly, I can barely take care of myself given the chaos that my life has become due to this new work arrangement. But I allowed myself to rest and that was a wise course of action. While we were at the lake my friend shared a piece of feelings, how to acknowledge that they are there, that we must feel them, and then release them, and I really liked that idea. I started crying and she was very kind to me despite the uncomfortable moment. It's so different when you are with a trusted friend, but I am proud of myself for being more authentic at work. People need to know that I can let down my defenses too. Yesterday the guy I am confused about was sitting by himself on the other side, I thought this was strange, but made a joke about it, and told him he was doing a good job holding down the fort.
He kind of shrugged and I said it looked organized, mainly because the desk he was sitting at was cleaner than I have ever seen it before. He told me that he actually wasn't that organized; at first I thought he was kidding, but then I realized that he was serious, and it was a wonderfully bizarre moment where someone reveals an imperfection in a simple statement without any excuses or defenses. I had no idea what to say so I told him that I was very organized, that is was one of my super powers, and then I thought that this might come off as condescending or superior, I don't think I consciously thought that at the time, but I said that I couldn't do anything else in life, but I was very organized. I left and it was a short, but key exchange to me. I like it when people know who they are, and are able to state categorical truths in the manner that he did. He's very direct and my boss has said derogatory things about him and the rest of his department, but I have stood up for him and then because I know that management and other people on that side are generally terrible and also that trashing people who come in and do their jobs is in poor taste.
Liking someone at work is an unsettling experience. You wonder how trasnparent you are becoming, whether people know that the other person is acting out of the ordinary, if you should go out with someone at work if asked, if you should do the asking, if you should pretend not to get it or see them when you encounter them. I've done a lot of thinking, some reading, and here's what I've concluded. Probably the most helpful article said that if you feel like you might be in love, or falling for someone, you are allowed to be both excited, and anxious. Another article said that if someone wants to love you, then why not let them? This was such an obvious point to me after I read it, but I needed to see it in black and white print. Before we were both more guarded than we are now. He is not much of a talker, I can talk for days; I have zero professional reasons to ever be near him, I don't want anyone, especially him, to think that I am chasing him, and I try to go about my day without finding the flimsiest of excuses to go in his direction.
One of the things I like about him is how he never seems to hurry, or worry. For someone like me who is always rushing about and concerned about ten million problems that are crashing into each other, this is very refreshing. He seems very deliberate, like he's taking things in, and will get to whatever needs to be done when he's decided the best course of action rather than just diving into a project head first like I have a tendency to do. It surprised me to hear him say that he wasn't organized, that wasn't my impression of him, but I have a feeling that he is the kind of person who values the truth even when it presents him in an unflattering light. Another thing I've noticed is that his voice has changed when he talks to me. He used to be louder and more, belligerent is too strong of a word, but he seemed kind of put out or something which I'm guessing might have been nerves on his part. He's really a loner at work, doesn't really talk to anyone that I can see, comes in, does his job, leaves without saying anything to anyone else. That kind of thing.
The fanciful part of me wonders if he would be a terrific private investigator, I feel like he knows things he shouldn't, and somehow gathers clues without talking to other people. I feel like he's come out of his shell a bit over the past week and however many days it has been since I moved to another department. Even though I have worked there for months I only recently learned his name. I was standing next to another friend of mine when he drove by; he gave us the cutest little wave, and it was so unexpected to see it, and then watch my friend wave back the same way that I didn't know what to make of it. My friend explained that he is actually a really good guy, I can't remember if he is the one who called him a sweetheart, or that was a different friend, but these are both people whose opinions I trust, and I know you have to make your own informed decisions about people, but their opinions carry weight with me. I bet he is extremely loyal, and if you were waiting for some personality theory, I wonder if he is an ISTJ.
I went through a period where I was very curious about him. Then I had a cooling off phase where I was less sure about my feelings and whether or not I wanted to encourage or pursue him. Maybe he went through something similar, because he wasn't around as much as he had been, however that could be explained by his job, and mine. Some days are just busier than others, and I don't know what his job is like really. One day I wore a shirt I don't normally wear to work, and that was the day he walked past my desk to grab two ice cream bars first thing in the morning. It's been unseasonably hot, and even if it is an intriguing breakfast choice, I don't begrudge him or anyone else who has to work in a building without air conditioning helping themselves to anything behind the counter. Sales guys grab whatever they want, the policy is stupid, I think I've written about this before, but it bears repeating. I will give the company a bit of a pass here because I have never seen this rule actively enforced by anyone other than one of the receptionists that nobody takes too seriously because she takes herself too seriously (sometimes I do this too).
An article on eye contact that I have read previously was recently helpful. Perhaps I have written about the day that I was walking into the building as he was coming down the hall. His head was down at first, then he saw me, looked up, and I want to be able to describe the expression in his eyes, but I have no words for it. He has very unusual eyes, I have no idea what the color is precisely, I doubt that they are actually silver, but that's what color they appeared to be at that moment. Hot molten turbulent focused silver; I didn't say anything, it was a somewhat surreal experience. He dresses very; either plainly, or simply. Basic is the word I would use; more of a blend in than stand out type, a lot of the guys wear company shirts. Most of them are navy, or black, but the other day he wore a heathered green one, and it looked so much better than the other colors. A lot of them wear regular clothes too and from work and change upstairs, I still haven't been on the second floor, it's sort of a contest to see how long I can make it without going up there. Maybe it's secretly haunted or something; even if I suspect nothing that spectacular is actually hidden from me.
Anyways, he is a more cautious type and I feel as if I am benefiting from someone who is familiar with weighing pros and cons; and then making a conscious decision to proceed with reservations. Anytime someone who I believe has sound and reasonable judgment trusts me, or lets their guard slip a little deserves respect in my opinion. I'm not perfect, he isn't, it may not work, it might work exceedingly well, beyond any expectations either of us could have ever believed possible. We are clearly very different people, and I wonder if he's just as lonely as I am. Maybe I gain a friend I didn't have before out of it. I keep thinking that something could happen to him, or me, and what if I had been too scared and fearful to accept this wonderful thing in my life? It feels like he has a plan, a strategy, may others plan their future, I'm busy loving you. I believe that love is a choice, love is an action verb, and I've been trying to follow the path of least resistance more. It's hard to fight attraction, so why not sit back, relax, and let him show me what he wants rather than being nervous and overthinking things.
In the past I would have asked what I can do, now I am content to just be me. It's kind of nice.
All my best,
P.S. Thanks for reading, I've wanted to tell others about this, but so far that hasn't gone well for me. Also, I broke a picture of my youngest daughter and that's making me really sad. Many things are going well, and I'm more positive about my situation at work than I have been in a while. I even wrote a poem which I haven't done in the longest time.
- He was walking out
- of the building
- as I approached.
- There was room
- enough for two,
- but I hung back,
- uncertain, of what
- to do, and how
- best to proceed.
- He had been looking
- down; lost in thought
- When he looked up,
- his eyes were full of
- emotions that I am
- unable to name.
- Are we in love,
- in lust, suffering
- from lunacy?
- Could be all three for me...