THE APPRENTICE
A play
CHARACTERS
JEFFREY – middle-aged male.
BOB – slightly older, male.
TIME
Present, Christmas eve, early evening.
PLACE
Jeffrey’s living room: (all dark or grey) a chair, a television, a phone, a rug, a dead Christmas tree and a noose hanging from the ceiling.
JEFFREY’S LIVING ROOM – EARLY EVENING.
(Jeffrey loosens his necktie and climbs onto the chair. He adjusts the noose around his neck, and proceeds to step off from the chair but finds he is unable to. Every time he tries to take a step it is as though his foot is glued to the chair. After several attempts he removes the noose, climbs down, and dials the telephone.)
JEFFREY
Hello, Death? (pause) I’m sorry? (pause) I can’t hear - (pause) Death. (pause) Death. I want to speak to Death. (pause) What? (pause) Finland? (pause) I’ve been trying all week and -(pause) Look, it’s been a whole week and, I tell you, I’m losing my patience here. (pause) It’s Christmas for Christ’s sake! I want this over with as soon as possible! (pause) Well, whatever. Anything.(pause) Ok. (pause) Thanks. (pause) Bye.
(JEFFREY hangs up the phone, scratches his head and readjusts the chair. In an instant the doorbell rings. He stoops over to the side of the stage and is greeted by BOB, a man wearing a very large black coat and hat.)
JEFFREY
Can I help you?
BOB
Please.
(BOB enters, pushes past JEFFREY, sets his briefcase down and, with his back to the stage, swiftly removes his coat and hat. He is now wearing a bright red shirt and black tie. He picks up his briefcase, turns to face the audience again and holds out his garments for JEFFREY to take.)
JEFFREY
What the fuck is all of this?
BOB
(still holding the garments) Oh, dear. Not again. Julia warned you, didn’t she?
JEFFREY
Julia?
(JEFFREY takes the coat and hat and, having nowhere else to put them, throws them on the floor.)
BOB
Our operator.
(BOB, insulted, bends down, picks up his hat, dusts it off, puts it back on his head and sits down on the chair)
JEFFREY
(to self) Go ahead.
BOB
You just spoke to her on the phone.
(BOB points to the phone.)
JEFFREY
What?
BOB
Oh, you really are in a bad state.
JEFFREY
Excuse me?
(BOB opens the briefcase and removes a notepad, closes the briefcase, looks at at the notepad, opens the briefcase and removes a monocle, places it on his eye, closes the briefcase and reads from the notepad.)
BOB
You’re delusional, Jeffrey, melancholic. (BOB turns a page.)
Chillingly distressed. Gloomy, awfully. (disbelief) Awfully gloomy... (BOB turns a page, reads it, then looks up to JEFFREY.) Your thoughts are severely malignant, Jeffrey.
JEFFREY
Oh. God.
(BOB removes the monocle, opens the briefcase and puts the two items back inside it.)
BOB
You need help.
JEFFREY
(looking up at the noose) Oh, God.
BOB
You want to die.
JEFFREY
I want a drink.
BOB
You sure do.
(BOB removes a flask from his hip pocket and passes it to JEFFREY.)
Absinthe?
(JEFFREY unscrews the lid and smells the contents.)
JEFFREY
Who - what the fuck is this? (pointing to BOB) You know, I’m fighting some violent urges right now. (JEFFREY takes a swig from the flask.)
BOB
No you’re not. Look at you. You’re all slumped. You’re a mess. (pause) You smell terrible.
(JEFFREY throws his arms in the air.)
BOB
Listen. You wanted Death, no?
JEFFREY
What?
BOB
Don’t fool me, Jeffrey, I see the noose. (BOB points to the ceiling.) This place screams misery. You don’t even have any furniture.
(JEFFREY sits down on the floor, next to the chair, and takes a swig from the flask.)
BOB
Let me explain this and maybe we can get on with it.
JEFFREY
Explain.
BOB
You see, he’s getting on these days, Death. Not quite the Reaper of old. The bitterness, the athritis. He isn't as agile or... as congenial, as he used to be. And what with Christmas right now, well, it’s always a busy time of year. (pause) This is where men like me come in. (pause) The apprentices.
JEFFREY
(angry) What?
BOB
Well, take your case for example. Death is unavailable.
Has other business to attend to.
JEFFREY
Wonderful.
BOB
In Finland.
JEFFREY
(pause) Finland?
BOB
Finland.
JEFFREY
(JEFFREY stands up, angry)
But... he’s Death. Death is everywhere! I walk down the street and all I see is Death. (pointing to television) I turn on the television - Death. (pause) My neighbour died yesterday. Why isn’t he here when I need him? How hard can it be?
BOB
Jeffrey, Jeffrey. Do calm yourself.
JEFFREY
He wants me to calm myself!
BOB
Do you know what’s in Finland?
JEFFREY
(sarcastic) Sure. That there lies Santa Claus, my friend. Great guy, love his work.
BOB
(nodding) Correct, Jeffrey, Santa Claus.
JEFFREY
What? This is ridiculous.
(JEFFREY takes a swig from the flask.)
This is completely ridiculous. You’re telling me- (pause) you know, I should toast this day. Really. (exuberant but sarcastic) It is a most stupid day!
(JEFFREY takes a few more swigs from the flask until he sees that BOB is staring at him very seriously.)
My God. This is it. This is mental disintegration right here, finally. It’s finally happened. I cannot get any madder than this. I’ve cracked. I’m mad! This is it! (pause) This... is absinthe, isn’t it?
BOB
Valium as well. But not much.
JEFFREY
Santa Claus!
BOB
Well, not The Santa Claus. We all know that’s a myth. The Department Store Santa Association hold their annual conferences in Helsinki.
JEFFREY
Eh?
BOB
Oh, you know, training, seminars... support groups.
(JEFFREY shaking his head, sits down on the floor again.)
BOB
Self-defense classes. Jeffrey, these men are the most miserable of all. More miserable than you. More miserable than any of us. More miserable than Death. Their thoughts are really quite malignant.
(JEFFREY swigs from the flask and stares blankly toward the audience.)
BOB
Death is going through ten men a night. Sometimes more. Not to mention the chill, the Nordic Winters, the darkness, all of it. And those clipper ship accidents! Did you know Scandinavia has a very high suicide rate as well? Death is diving into the fjords. Every day he’s scaling these horrendous mountains. (reflects) A terrible strain.
(JEFFREY and BOB sit in silence. BOB watches JEFFREY who is still staring blankly toward the audience. JEFFREY takes a swig from the flask and stands up but, due to the effects of the alcohol, stumbles as he does so.)
JEFFREY
(suddenly very angry) Alright then! I get it!
(JEFFREY awkwardly tries to push BOB off the chair but fails.)
Death’s away! Too busy for me, prior engagements, others to kill. So how are we going to do this already? How can you help me?
(JEFFREY attempts to climb the chair with BOB still on it.)
Come on!
BOB
Jeffrey!
(JEFFREY now stepping on BOB very awkwardly as BOB tries to push him away.)
JEFFREY
Come on!
BOB
(frustrated) You can’t –
JEFFREY
I’ve got the noose. (groping for the noose)
BOB
Listen to me, you can’t –
JEFFREY
Can’t you just give me a push or something?
(BOB pushes JEFFREY to the floor and JEFFREY falls, rolls around and moans in pain.)
BOB
(BOB rises from the chair to stand) Listen.
JEFFREY
You ghastly man!
BOB
Listen to me!
JEFFREY
(to self) Nothing is ever easy!
BOB
Jeffrey! Listen to me now. There is a problem here.
JEFFREY
(rubbing his leg, annoyed) I know!
BOB
No! A problem.
JEFFREY
I heard what you said!
BOB
Jeffrey, I don’t actually have the authority to. (pause) I can’t actually kill you.
JEFFREY
(angry) What?
BOB
But I can encourage you. You know. Egg you on.
JEFFREY
Does everything have to be so difficult!
BOB
See the theory is, if I can help you retain your malignant thoughts, then by the time Death returns from Finland you’ll be dead in an instant. Trust me. Works every time.
(BOB watches as JEFFREY gropes around the floor looking for the flask.)
BOB
Are you willing to give this a try?
(JEFFREY finds the flask, picks it up, shakes it, tips it upside down and sees that it is empty.)
JEFFREY
Yes. Yes I am.
BOB
Are you sure? Jeffrey.
JEFFREY
(still holding the empty flask upside down) Yes.
BOB
Listen carefully to me now. Do you really think this is worth it?
JEFFREY
(throws the flask across the stage) What? My death?
BOB
Yes. I mean if you were to die, to kill yourself, would it all have been worth it?
JEFFREY
My life?
BOB
Let’s face it. It isn't worth much.
JEFFREY
(angry) Hey!
BOB
Oh, come on. Let’s be honest here. Of what worth are you to most people you know? You work alone. You live alone. Even Death didn’t think you worthy enough to visit. Not even at your lowest. When you were standing on that chair.
(BOB paces the stage, JEFFREY focuses on his sore leg.)
Standing there all alone, all week, a pathetic casualty of life. Of heartache, of two failed marriages. (pause) Jeffrey, do you remember when your mother died?
JEFFREY
(hugging leg) The pain!
BOB
Who came to your fortieth birthday, Jeffrey?
JEFFREY
Like hot, serrated... knives!
BOB
Do you remember how you ate that slice of cake at the Family Diner down the road?
JEFFREY
Excuse me?
BOB
Oh, Jeffrey, it’s not that you’re a bad person, or that life has dealt you some bad cards. You’re just not terribly (pause) important.
(JEFFREY stumbles to his feet.)
JEFFREY
(angry) You know what?
BOB
Not even Death! Even unborn babies get a visit. My God. (disbelief) even Hitler.
JEFFREY
Well you came, what’s that tell me?
BOB
I was a last resort. This was meant to be my day off. Everybody else is in Finland.
JEFFREY
Fucking Finland!
BOB
This is the reality, Jeffrey.
JEFFREY
It is unbearable! (JEFFREY sits down on the chair holding his leg.)
BOB
Oh, Jeffrey. Just look at this place.
(BOB looks around the room then points to the television)
You have a black and white television.
(BOB bends down and looks under the rug, then points at the walls.)
There are no photos on your walls.
(BOB walks over to the dead Christmas tree and shakes it)
Where do you find these things?
(BOB walks over to face JEFFREY who is absorbed in his sore leg. BOB bends over and stares closely at JEFFREY’s face.)
Your cheeks are sallow. Does that bother you? Have you been told that before? Is alcohol a problem for you?
JEFFREY
(stands, suddenly very angry) Alright! (pause) You -
(BOB, very stoic, watches as JEFFREY stumbles and limps O/S. He returns, kicks BOB’s coat O/S, returns, throws his briefcase O/S then walks over to BOB.)
I don’t need this!
(JEFFREY begins to push BOB, who is reluctant to leave, across the stage very slowly and awkwardly, limping.)
I want you outta here! I get the deal - and you’re no help! You just come round here, you come round right here into my own house, and you - (pause) you colour it with all of your bullshit!
(JEFFREY stops pushing BOB. BOB, silent, turns to face JEFFREY and bows to him.)
BOB
Very well then. Best of luck. He’ll be here shortly.
(BOB leaves the stage. JEFFREY, exhausted, staggers to the television, turns it on, and sits down on the chair. White Christmas is playing. JEFFREY starts to quietly hum along. As he does this he removes his necktie and unbuttons his shirt. The lights dim. He continues to hum and then sing, gradually getting louder, until the song ends and the stage is dark.)