Troy (thing)

First of all, this is a very very very bad Lord Of The Rings rip off. All the battles are incredibly Paelenor Fields Helms deepish,almost to the point that it looked like a Weird Al Yankowich "tribute". It even had a bit of Legolas (Orlando Bloom's character - Paris) firing arrows and some old-Boromir, (Sean Bean's character - Odysses) in a tough man, plan-hatching, all-around tough son of a gun role.

It isn't all bad... The action is pretty good and, if you pretend LOTR never happened, it would probably be regarded as something quite special, but LOTR's great strength was that you always felt that each arrow fired meant something because the characters meant something, their journey meant something and what they were fighting for was worth fighting for. Troy is the antithesis of everything that was so special about LOTR. This is all over a woman for a start: For pete's sake - Helen of Troy is just some King's wife that Orlando Bloom had banged a couple of times. It failed to work as an epic love story, which you felt meritted a huge war costing the lives of thousands.

Indeed, it was hardly the final heroic surge on the black gates to buy Sam and Frodo some time.

It is epic and huge at times. The scene with the thousand ships could have been one of cinema's great moments. But to compare to LOTR again, when the Uruk-Hai were lining up outside Helms deep, when the Mumakill elephants were coming onto the horizon in ROTK, you got that "you're all pretty fucked right here" feeling, but here? Nada.

I think a lot of this has to do with a fear for the safety of the characters which LOTR does so well. This has a lot to do with atmosphere and scale and certainly music. Troy fails miserably on each of these counts, which is a crying shame because it had so much potential. Never does a piece of music enhance the dramatic irony, never does a violin elicit the thought of a tear.

Although I'm usually a big fan of his, Brad Pitt (Achilles) had more hero shots than any character in the history of Cinema, and if the guy was the least bit believable as the toughest warrior who ever lived, they may have worked. Pitt as the uncharismatic shortarse just came across as cheesy.

Speaking of cheesy its best to start with the dialogue. Without question, some of the worst and most predictable i've ever heard. It makes Matrix Revolutions appear like Donnie Darko. You could guess every one of the romantic lines before they emerged from the mouths of the characters. In fact, they managed to turn one the greatest stories from ancient greek mythology into laughing stock. I can't believe with that budget that's the best they could come up with, why invest so much in stars, CGI etc with such a poorly written adaptation of the story.

Not that the dialogue matters i suppose, when this film is designed almost solely for chicks. It was like, "I know, lets find the hottest three guys on the planet and show as much of their flesh as possible" Bana, Bloom and Pitt spend more time with their clothes off than on. I lost count of how many groin shots we got of Bradley - not that I mind, but there is only so much one can take.

This was the reverse of the likes of Tomb Raider with Angelina Jolie. I have problem with this, it does have a place within certain genre films, but to bastardise a time-honoured story like this by just making a cheap thrill for dumb women with no appreciation for film is a cheap cop-out.

The film is amazingly driven by the three stars mentionned above. But with the dialogue and story they were given to work with they can't drive it as far as they have in their previous films. Achilles is a great character with great inner complexities, but these really aren't developed far enough. The same with Paris, you need to believe in his love for Helen, but its just not there, they aren't given enough of those Aragorn/Arwen moments, those love-conquers-all moments which even melt the hearts of us dudes.

Could have been so much better, couldn't have been much worse...this film is saved by Eric Bana who was superb as Prince Hector, he's every bit the superhero he wasn't in Hulk, and its all in his eyes. Really superb performance, and he is truly the only character who allows the suspension of disbelief.

Orlando, as hot as he is, is really really bad and i can't figure out whether it was the poorly written character, poor direction or whether he has found his limits. He's hardly been a character actor so far in his career with Legolas in LOTR and Will Turner in Pirates of the Caribbean. There's time for him and his next role will be really interesting. His inability to play something other than a brave hero was worrying, but he's so hot he'll have roles coming out his ears - kinda like Keanu Reeves, i suppose.

As for the direction? The change from light to dark is sometimes really discomforting and i'm not sure about the delayed-pan shots which are suppsed to foreground an important event. They just seem too modern, and Guy Ritchie-esque to fit in here. Not good.

So "Why can't I just be entertained?" by this film? It's a pretty good question, with a really simple answer: Troy wasn't entertaining. Pirates of the Carrebean or Independence Day is entertaining, because even as unashamed popcorn flicks they can walk the walk with action, and allow you to "pick a side": cheer for the good guys and boo the bad guys.

I'm all for the odd "zone out" movie, we all need that at times. Anyone who looks at my collectin and sees the likes of ET, Terminator, Bill & Ted, Waynes World, The Rock etc will testify to that. But All of those films achieve what they are trying to achieve very well indeed. Troy fails on so many levels that its so hard to suspend disbelief long enough to immerse yourself within the 2h 45m non-plot.

To be entertained you need to belive in the characters, you need to want what they want...Troy only inspired apathy.

Lots and lots of apathy.

Uberbanana says If you want to blame Troy for bastardising a beloved story, read LOTR then watch the movies and then tell me how much was change. If you want to rant fine but if you want to review a movie do it and stop saying how things don't live up to LOTR.

SharQ says Dude if you didn't like my review of troy, that's fine - write your own - but LOTR set the benchmark, and troy doesn't live up to it - not by a long shot. Besides, there is a significant difference between rewriting for screenplay (LOTR) and disecting and hollywoodizing an old tale beyond recognition.