Look, I made you a pie!
You ungrateful little shits wouldn't know good home cooking if I smashed this into your face and flushed your remote control down the toilet. Just don't screw with me. It's cocktail time, and Mommy's not feeling well.
Thank you Laura Elizabeth for the wonderful photo!!
The 2009 E2 Bitch Fest
Calling all women!
Feeling snarky? Bloated? That dress won't fit? Your mother called complaining about the new man in her life? - and you can't get a date to save your life? The new beyotch in the typing pool, Little Miss Perfect? The way she's always getting flowers? The way the professor ogles you in class? Yeah, that's really disrespectful. He probably has a small penis. The way your day has just been ruined because... well, just look at it! Look at your hair! It's awful! You feel like crying. You feel like staying in bed. No, really, you feel like killing someone. Or both. And why is there no one around to serve you chocolates in bed? WHERE IS YOUR COFFEE?
Do you feel like killing your boyfriend? Perhaps just maiming him? And there's no reason, really -- it's just some vague, ill-formed feeling, the way he brushed his teeth this morning, or the way he snores, the way he butters his toast. It's never bothered you in the past, but for some reason right now, looking at his smug face, you just want to rip his throat out and watch him bleed to death. Then you can get back to the ironing and watch Oprah.
The Nordstrom bill came today. This is totally wrong! There's no way you spent $617 last month at Nordstrom's! They must have made a mistake! You only bought a few cosmetics. The dress you bought, you were going to return after wearing it last weekend, so that doesn't count. The shoes? Please, they're for work. They don't count either. That gift for Maggie's wedding. Whoa. You didn't realize that platter was that much! And she's so totally going to get divorced. You wonder if you can get that platter back first.
The hot guy you met last weekend did not call, that bastard! The lame guy who bugged you for your email has emailed you seven times within the last 24 hours. Where is the justice? Who can you call? God? God does not return your phone calls, or texts. God keeps sending you Velcro men who breathe a little too heavy and keep wanting to buy you drinks and OH PLEASE DO NOT SIT SO CLOSE TO ME!
Ladies, this is your chance to vent.
In fact, it'll be competitive venting. You think you can outbitch other women here? Do you think you are the Queen Bitch from Hell, pre-ordained to be the alpha bitch in the alpha-est web site on the planet? Well, honey, you've come to the right place. Because we've got a contest for you.
The Rules
Beginning date: NOT YET KNOWN - wait for a writeup announcing details
Last date for node submission: NOT YET KNOWN plus one month. Or two, if you bitch at me effectively.
How you'll be judged: All nodes will be judged by Yours Truly. At the end, the universe being a capricious place, I'll choose the three top favorite nodes.
- Miss Third Place Bitch.
- A Second Place Miss Congeniality Bitch. (I know, a contradiction in terms. What the hell.)
- And a First Place Grand Prize Winner Miss Everything2 Bitch Goddess, Empress of All She Surveys.
HINT: You want to win. And you'll pout and cajole and stamp your foot and then get REALLY irate if you don't win. This is what makes my life so much fun. :-)
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Vaguely bitch-related catbox comments
Snarky bitchy premenstrual man-hating 10 lb overweight mad at mother BITCH!
I want nodes that reveal the inner monster latent inside every woman on a bad day.
The kind of node that, when men read it, truly truly horrify them. "But we thought you women were so gentle and pure!"
I want a woman who looks like the woman on my homenode, someone who's polite and demure on the outside, and whose inside is screaming with pain and bitchiness!
lizardinlaw: ooooh, this is going to totally be fun
Excellent Bitch-related E2 writeups
- prole: You're only half a bitch without the heels
- Evil Catullus: The Art of Bitchcraft
- Kesper North: I may be a trenchie bitch, but you forget we wear combat boots!
- prole: Pink go-go boots and matching rocket-launcher
Who's Expressed Interest
- lizardinlaw, who is so into this I think she may hurt something
- ScheherazadeBlue
- NanceMuse
==============
Bonus points for excessive cruelty!
Why I Like Trance
- Magnesia, featuring Sanne
- Shivers, extended remix, Armin van Buuren
-
Radio 538: Tiesto Oct. 3, 2008 Club Life podcast #79
I've Been Waiting, Dave Dresden, 2008 remix by Dave Dresden & DJ Lynnwood -
Leche, Sudha, featuring Zoe Johnston, the Thomas Schwartz remix
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsD5SiroYrk (Not nearly as good as the version on the Tiesto podcast.) -
Radio 538: Tiesto Sep. 14, 2008 Club Life podcast #112
For How Long, Riva, remix by Wippenberg -
Radio 538: Tiesto Sep. 14, 2008 Club Life podcast #113
Vicious Circle, Julien Jabre -
Radio 538: Tiesto Sep. 14, 2008 Club Life podcast #128
I'll Fight for You, Morgan Page, remix by Beltek -
Radio 538: Tiesto Sep. 14, 2008 Club Life podcast #128
I Will Be Here, Tiesto, featuring SneakySound System
From www.OverheardInNewYork.com
He May As Well Have Hollered, "I Appreciate and Respect Your Intellect"!
Hot girl walking through construction workers, expecting to be cat-called: Oh boy, here we go.
Polite construction worker: Good morning.
Hot girl's friend: How embarrassing.
Hot girl: Shut it.
In the Relational Sense
British professor: When I moved from England to the States I was always so surprised to hear people use the phrase, "I feel" this and "I feel" that...
NYU kid: Why?
British British professor: Because we don't feel.
See, THIS is Why You Go to Therapy
Blonde yelling on cell: I was not being a bitch or picking a fight! I was saying "I love you, and these are my concerns"!
--27th St b/w Park Ave & Lexington
Why would you go to MIT to study science? Why not go to Harvard?
Chick #1: I don't get it. I mean, why would you go to Cambridge to study science? Why not go to Oxford?
Chick #2: Either way, it's England, so it's mad awesome.
Sounds Like a Pyramid Scheme
Yuppie mom #1: It's very blocks focused.
Yuppie mom #2: Blocks?
Yuppie mom #1: Yes, it's a very progressive school. They do very perverse things with the blocks.
Yuppie mom #2: Um, I don't think I understand.
Yuppie mom #1: You know, they use the blocks in literature, in math...if they want to play kitchen, they have to build the kitchen first. It's very progressive.
To Attain a Future Better Than the Present, You First Have to Imagine It
Teenage Latina to friend: So I want my next man and me to have more in common. My man, he gotta dress ghetto, you know, baggy pants, piercings, and chains, but he can't be no pimp or dirty slut. He can't be having no nasty diseases. He can't have no kids or none on the way and he can't have done no time, yet.
Friend: Gattita, I hear you. But what'cha gonna do with him?
Teenage Latina: Well, he's gonna have to like scary movies and reggaeton, Mexican food, and... (pauses to think for a moment) French fries! You know, them white people's food.
Friend: Holla.
Mary Magdalene Is Crushing Big-Time
20-something girl #1: He's just so, like, passionate, you know? Like, he asked me what colors I like, and I said "blue," and he said I would look really good in blue.
20-something girl #2: Wow.
20-something girl #1: I know. He's just like, so...moral.
Then What's That Kit-Kat Jingle About?
Child (walking up stairs out of subway station): Can I take a break? Let's take a break here.
Mother: No.
Child: But my legs hurt, I need to take a break.
Mother: There are no breaks in life.
Where Have All the Metrosexuals Gone?
Guy #1: I think I'm going to go to Fortunoff's after work tomorrow to get the ring.
Guy #2: Why don't you just go to that place around the corner? You know, uh... Stephanie's!
Guy #1: You mean Tiffany's?
Guy #2: Yeah! Tiffany's!
You Always Hertz The Ones You Love
Thug on cell: Yo, hearse rent a car? Yo man, I need to rent a hearse. Yeah, I'll hold. (pause) Y'all don't rent no hearses? Why y'all call yoselfs hearse rent a car? (pause) Word? Well, I need to move a body, maybe you got a van or something? (pause) I don't care, I just need to move his dead ass. (pause) Cargo van? Whatever. Yeah.
Thug's friend: Ask if they got am'blances.
Like the British Invasion Itself
NYU chick as "Back in the USSR" plays:Why are they playing so much 80s music?
NYU dude: It's cool, it's The Beatles.
NYU chick: Such a weird song, like Russia's all great or something.
NYU dude: I think it's supposed to be ironic.
Although the Shackles Made Him Stoop a Bit
Rich lady #1: There was this very tall man who used to bring us bagels on Sundays... He was very, very tall.
Rich lady #2: So, he was black?
Rich lady #1 (annoyed): Yes, he was very, very tall.
I am so over that princess treatment routine
Chatty, obnoxious girl #1: My last relationship was a disaster. He just didn't treat me well. He was very disrespectful. How is your man doing?
Chatty, obnoxious girl #2: I don't know. He says he loves me, takes me out all the time, is always calling and paying for everything. He even writes me long romantic notes and spends time with me whenever he can. It's just kind of lame, you know? I just told him I'd love him to shut him up.
And That's Why He's Homeless
Bum: Give me a dollar!
Guy: I'll give you two dollars!
Bum: Give me a dollar!
Guy: I'll give you two dollars!
Bum: You'll give me two dollars?
Guy: On Friday.
Bum: No. Give me a dollar.
Guy: Hey, I'll give you five dollars on Friday if you give me a dollar right now.
Bum: You want me to give you money?
Guy: A dollar. Right now. For five on Friday.
Bum walks away.
This Time We'll Watch Softball and Drink Beer
Girl #1: Oh my gosh, this is so cool.
Girl #2: I know. Smiles.
Girl #1: Thanks for bringing me here, I love you. I am so glad I became a lesbian, if I wasn't I wouldn't have met you!
Girl #2: Aww, thanks. Do you want to go to my apartment now?
Girl #1: Yes! Let's go. Are we going to have fun like we did last night?
Girl #2: Even more, baby.
Girls Will Analyze Two-Word Conversations Like Jesuit Theologians
Girl #1: Oh my god, did I tell you? Alex called me yesterday! And it wasn't 6 am for once, it was 3 pm!
Girl #2: That's great!
Girl #1: I know. He was like low voice "heeeeeeey" and I was like high voice "heeeeey!" and it was amazing. Well, not really. But it was so great.
Everybody Was Surprised When Rachel Turned out To Be the Messiah
Girl #1: What kind of proof did you offer when you said that?
Girl #2: I don't NEED proof, I say it, it comes out of my mouth, that makes it REAL!
Coffee for People Who've Given Up Achievement
Woman: Oh? You got an iced coffee? Where do they sell those around here?
Man: Actually, this is Hennessey.
Lady: If you want girls to like you, you need to learn how to be nice to them.
Boy: Okay.
Lady: I'm your teacher. You need to listen to me. You've got to open doors for them.
Boy: Uh-huh...
Lady: And you need to stop talking about their breasts!
Boy: All right! I get it!
Portrait of a Man Wondering If She's Worth It
Drunk chick: Oh my god, you look like the last tsunami!
Guy with really short hair: What?
Drunk chick: I said you look like that last tsunami guy in the Tom Cruise movie!
Guy with really short hair: You mean The Last Samurai?
Drunk chick: Oh, yeah. Him.Another Man Wonders If She's Worth It
Young guy: Hey, what do you think about interracial marriage?
Young girl: What, you mean like gay people?
Young guy: (stares at her blankly.) ... what?Wait-- Didn't You Give Your Mom Hoop Earrings for Christmas?
Girl, telling joke: A seven-year-old daughter said to her mother:
Daughter: "Today in school I learned where babies come from."(laughs)
Mother: Oh, really?
Daughter: Yea, a mommy and daddy take off all their clothes, the mommy makes the dad happy and his thingy stands up a little. Then the mommy puts the thingy in her mouth and the thingy stands up all the way and explodes, and that's where babies come from.
Mother: No, honey, that's where jewelry comes from.
Guy listening, with horrified face: Wait a second, my mom has a shitload of jewelry. Oh, goddammit, eewwwwwwwwwwwww!
Girl: I'm never going to look at your mom the same way ever again.
Currently Reading
- Martinus Veltman, Facts and Mysteries in Elementary Particle Physics
- Frank Wilczek, Fantastic Realities
- James Wood, How Fiction Works
- Morris Kline, Mathematics: The Loss of Certainty
- Leonard Mlodinow, The Drunkard's Walk: How Randomness Rules Our Lives
- Franklin Foer, How Soccer Explains the World
- Robert Hughes, Things I Didn't Know... DONE! 2008/4/1
- Christopher Hitchins, The Portable Atheist
- Kirk Varnedoe, Pictures of Nothing
- Yukio Mishima, Sun and Steel... DONE! 2008/3/26
- Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
- Vladimir Nabokov, Pale Fire
- Jeremy Janes, The Power of Experience
- Andrew Davidson,The Gargoyle ... DONE! 2008/8/31
One Degree of Separation
* JohnnyGoodyear * NotFabio * Jurph * valrus * momomom * grundoon * unperson * gorgonzola * borgo * borgette * karmaflux * frankie * altusmens * yurei * paradoxmo * randombit * birdlace * Kensey * dann * pint * siobhan * indigoe * AudieMcCall * Maylith * doyle * templeton * darl * RangyJoeyHondo * slidewell * Yurei *dimview * randombit * cbustapeck * scribe * Major General Panic * Jazreel * Dermot Reilly * kohlcass * JellyfishGreen * ReiToei * Haruspex * CloudStrife * TheDeadGuy * karma debt * ccunning * mitzi * Wiccanpiper * LaggedyAnne * Sessor * Andromache01 * panamaus * enth * BrooksMarlin * QXZ * Orange Julius * Braunbeck * Lucy-S * apatrix * gwenllian * void_ptr * walter * Two Sheds * eien meru * The Custodian * methinks * originalzin * lizardinlaw *
Catbox Snippets
IWhoSawTheFace: How in the FUCK does same sex marriage threaten the institution of marriage? That is the HEIGHT OF LUNACY
TheDeadGuy: It is just for the lists, Mr. Face. Republicans need lists to remind them what they believe in, otherwise they just run amok screaming senselessly about whatever words or names they see in the news or on billboards.
Halspal: I don't know where this idea that E2 is supposed to groom creative writers or whatever came from but I wish it would die. Say what you mean, mean what you say, run it through a spellchecker and hang it on the wall.
paraclete: Since they took our Empire away, we haven't had anything else to apart from snipe at each other. We like to share this skill with the rest of the World.
The Custodian: YOU CAN DO ANYTHING WITH A BLACK ROCKET
Halspal: If welcoming the advice and input of every nutstick that wanders the internet isn't the most insane way to run a rodeo it's one of the top 3
Halspal: I've made such a mess of my life.
spider jerusalem: Life space, time and your own body are pointless and infathomable without inebriants.
Halspal: I always picture OuT2FaR railing against the man from a prosperous middle class home in a lily white suburb wearing sensible clothes that his mom bought for him at the mall and typing to us from his tidy bedroom on an expensive computer.
And when he leaves it's because his mom just yelled, "Timmy, come and get your tuna fish sandwich and chips, sweetie."
"Not now, mom. I'm railing against The Man."
amib: E2 always feels slightly like going through someone's garbage.
Augustine: WD "fucks like a god". Sadly, he is still as vulnerable to mace as the next man.
grundoon: IWho, as usual, has just tapped into some extremely weird but apparently universal male fantasy zeitgeist. Dude, you should market that.
grundoon: IWho's perfect woman - a rocket scientist wearing high heels.
Noung: I have to cut 2,820 words from a document 12,820 words long and this is very painful for me because Noung is an equal-opportunity writer and considers all of his words to be as beautiful and special as all the others.
Jet-Poop: Even "kumquat"?
Noung: Especially kumquat.
DonJamie: I used to like Robert Heinlein. Then one day I realised he was an all-American right-wing nutcase.
Augustine: I would hereby like to announce my intention to marry one Ms. Shiina Ringo (sometimes spelled Shena), who does not know who I am (yet). You are all invited to the wedding.
"Dear Ms. Ringo, I pirated all of your albums yesterday and they were pretty good. Then I watched a video of you singing 'Killer Tune' with Tokyo Jihen, and I realized you're pretty hot. I assume you want to marry me, right?"
Andromache01: Well, you know what they say. Give a man a match and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
noung: You are truly a man of vision. I'm going to get on the blower with Satan and see if I can't land you a job in the next Republican administration.
thefez: My current hobby (ex always said I needed hobbies) is too young and unstable, which in the fullness of current circumstance is perfect.
DreamVirus declares it illegal to study philosophy before the age of 50 (at which point, while no longer illegal, it is hopefully impossible)
DonJaime (critiquing a new writeup): What isn't clear is what Leibniz said, what you say about it, what you say on the same subject, what the difference is, and why there is a difference.
The Custodian: Sarah Palin makes me think about sex and politics. But it's angry degrading sex.
thefez: She wouldn't let you wear a rubber, Custo. Be warned. Plus she might have sled dogs!
Glowing Fish: No rubber and sled dogs? Isn't that the answer to most men's questions?
TenMinJoe: Give a man a fish, and you set him on fire and he dies.
Jodiebird: I think I've got a job at Sizzlers (I went for an interview today), and If I do good I might be upgraded to Salad Bar Captain!
Laura Elizabeth: I need to get out more.
Ancientsnow: Actually I think "getting out" is what causes you to be blissfully unaware of such memes.
Senso: Haha you are so not a lonely geek!
Excalibur: HA HA LAURA ELIZABETH HAS FRIENDS WHAT A LOSER
Ancientsnow: HA HA LAURA ELIZABETH HAS NO SOCIAL ANXIETY SHE IS SUCH A WEIRDO
Halspal: I've got an update on the condition of Simulacron3 for anybody who is interested.
Halspal: He's old. Really old. Older than your dad. He's likely near death.
Halspal: I'll try to do periodic updates.
maxClimb: Halspal: Waht about Sim3?!?
dannye: Should I call Medicare Emergency Services, hal?
dannye: Does anyone have his fucking cell number, for christ's sake? Can't you people see that this is a situation??
Halspal: I don't see any reason to panic.
IWhoSawTheFace: Something happened to Sim?
dannye: He could barely climb over that second hooker to get out of bed, IWho! Is this not a community? What is WRONG with you people?
whiskeydaemon/IronGoth/GentlemanJim: I find female interaction to be inherently hostile.
sam512: Just have a conventional node challenge. Daylogs at dawn.
The Custodian: Dude. One of the most incredible summer concerts I've ever been at was an Indigo Girls concert. Hot lesbians in very little clothing EVERYWHERE YOU LOOKED. There were maybe a hundred guys in the entire venue, and we'd all walk past each other exchanging 'zOMG CAN U BELIEVE DIS SHIT BRO' looks on our faces.
The Custodian: Also, I ran into my hairstylist there and she was totally stoned.
Noung: Stalin had to reverse the feminist gains of the early years because the broads were getting too uppity.
Noung: They started having sex and pissing in public. That's no way to run a five year plan.
noost: slowly, I'm beginning to see a pattern in e2 voting. It really seems like good nodes with content get voted up.
beanie127: What matters creative endless toil
when at a snatch IWhoSawTheFace ends the coil?
sam512: Let he who is without sin kick the first ass
Elisavan: i have just decided that Everything2 is one of the best sources for finishing History Reveiw sheets for exams ^_^
Elisavan: yay for presummarized and easy to read factual things
dannye: Obviously, gamers and hackers should avoid having families.
Noung: America has been exporting global instability for decades now. You've got to admit they make pretty good global instability.
Noung: It's almost as good as their movies.
BookReader: The female orgasm is a liberal myth.
BookReader: Lies told to us by a profeminist liberal media.
jjen: We wouldn't expect any of you to understand how the female orgasm works since you're obviously incapable of inciting it.
kthejoker: What, you think they're gonna hold up the start of MNF just for your sexual gratification?
Andromache01: It's not a sin if you don't get caught.
The Custodian: Whenever I see 'mu' I think of this Hershey's chocolate syrup ad that features a cow mooing, then suddenly losing weight and getting all stylish and emitting a bitchy runway-model 'mu.'
Noung: I have this dislike of science fiction that some might say borders on the irrational.
Noung: When anything can happen, nothing matters.
giantcactus: Honey-may I call you that? In the public "Hey Honey don't touch that mannikin" sense.
Halspal: I've nothing to rail against at E2. I approve of everything all of a sudden.
Halspal: bones and heyoka told me this would happen. One day the database would be bent entirely to my will and I'd be out of a job.
kthejoker: Twenty years later, hopped up on crank and jacked into cyberprison, Jodiebird looks back on that day she found E2 as a major formative experience. And weeps silently.
Noung: Sometimes writing is the opposite of living.
borgo: IWho, That's why American grounded their fleet yesterday. Forget what they tell you about safety inspections, flight attendants were all undergoing mandatory finger wagging training
dannye: Swap, I understand that math has intellectual emotion. But it doesn't have sloppy unreasonable unprotected sex emotion, like music.
Swap: dannye, dude, yes it does. It's just that it's only accessible to relatively much less people.
dannye: It's perfectly perfect and the emotions all have their clothes on and everyone is nodding and fanning in enjoyment.
mad girls love song: it's better to be groomed and in a relationship then slovenly and single.
passport: Wow, my encyclopedic knowledge of Pauly Shore just paid off, as it just allowed me to participate in a real life conversation about him with some people at Burger King.
kthejoker: Well, everyone has an accent, but we define accents, like personality disorders, only in their severest forms.
clampe: Ohio, as with most things, has it all wrong. Don't get me started on california. Jersey does OK, but not enough swearing and gunplay.
ancientsnow: iwho man i totally feel you dude. last time i was in front of this girl's place and i was all climbing into her window and to cut some of her hair for my altar, and she gets all "get out of here! you're breaking into my house!" i mean crazy bitch. chicks, man
la petite mort: Well I am not british and use it as a pfrase, I like to swan about in a flowing gown and a drink in my hand. Toady it is in a simple dress with a list of books.
Bitriot: *cracks neck* Let's do this, Face.
Andromache01 likes the knitting shirt, but that's sort of a given.
craze It's a given because you like shirts?
Andromache01 No, the possibility of stabbing people with 14 inch long metal needles is more my thing
kthejoker She's gonna make someone a lovely bride.
craze: Wiki doesn't have a problem. It is the problem.
mad girls love song: chanel no. 5 is not to be wasted on the masses.
MysteriousUserWhosNameCannotBeMentionedHere: I am a big fan of the furtive churchyard grope. Just sayin'.
mkb: Beer is dual-use technology.
amnesiac: ok, now say it. Say that I mentored you.
jessicapierce: Holy god, kid, we all agree with you on politics and pop culture and the internet and everything. We're all teenagers and we welcome you with open goddamn arms. FREE BEER AND PUSSY
Halspal: Oh my.
golFUR: pledges undying devotion to jp, for today.
It's times like this I'm glad I was raised by a chicken wire rhesus monkey surrogate. -- rootbeer277
Are they gonna find out about that incident with you, the janitor, and those buttered ferrets, izubachi? that's scary. -- artman2003
Being in the Army is like being in the boyscouts with a lot more booze and promiscuous sex.-- Sgt. 54b
being an american is like being a european with a large car and acid reflux disease -- thefez
The fact that, even in the harsh tundra, there exists sustenance for those animals able and willing to find it, disproves liberalism and shames all those lazy students dependent on handouts to be uplifited from the squalor of their ancestors. -- haze
Igloowhite gets on the radionet, This is igloo six actual calling overwatch requesting CAS mission. I need napalm and cluster along I-440
jethro bodine: I copy, gold leader. kilo foxtrot four golf juliet romeo clear and monitoring.
thefez: all this army talk gets me HOT.
iwstf - don't fret, the times of flesh are drawing to an end! -- thefez
all of humanity has strayed from the perfections we see in the ancients. we must destroy all that has taken man from the Garden - except warm clothes and mp3 players
coffee and smokes should stay too. and DSL
scratch DSL, add cabana bars and VTOL aircraft. -- thefez
Walter: We wear the skull of partying and the crossbones of brotherhood. Funky pillagers, we convert fear into fun.
thefez: ar! peace and booty! but booty comes first!
i'm actually the grumpy god here. but i just need to be burped. BUT NOT BY ANY OF YOU, so don't get no ideas. -- yossarian
When one burns one's bridges, what a very lovely fire it makes! -- rromagar
NOT FUNNY IS THE NEW FUNNY. DONKEYS ARE THE NEW MONKEYS. I AM A ROBOT, DO WHAT I SAY. -- Cow of Doom
Haschel47 once threw a shanty.
marshall_banana owns a cereal factory.
Haschel47 makes malts in Marshall's cereal factory.
marshall_banana: are they chocolate malts or strawberry malts? It's my factory, I feel I have a right to know.
Haschel47: The malts are cereal flavored. After all, it is a cereal factory.
marshall_banana: cereal-flavored malts, eh? Are they tasty?
Haschel47: The cereal flavored malts are very tasty indeed. Almost as tasty as a good sammich.
marshall_banana: ham sammiches?
Haschel47: No, turkey-and-Swiss sammiches .
marshall_banana: I don't like Swiss sammiches. I prefer fetus sammiches.
Haschel47: What about a nice Austrian sammich? We could eat in the shanty that I threw.
marshall_banana: Are they Austrian fetus sammiches?
Haschel47: No. Well, any fetuses are actually imported from Belgium.
marshall_banana: Belgian fetuses are acceptable.
Haschel47: Excellent. So we shall eat sammiches and drink malts in the shanty next to the cereal factory .
marshall_banana: Indeed. Let us depart.
No, geeks are out. We hate them because the Internet thing didn't work out -- DejaMorgana
I have proven your fear with MATH! -- Conventional Oven
Chiisuta: Someone brought their kid to work and dumped em on a PC in the editorial dept and I want to punch this kid in the face so badly. Is that wrong?
Roninspoon: Not at all. It's time the little bastard learned that the real world is full of scary mean women and that he better just go ahead and be gay cause everything with tits will kick his ass.
Roninspoon: Besides, I don't like the look of him.
Chiisuta: Well, I wouldn't punch him if he wasn't annoyingly chattering to himself while kicking the desk while we try to write. Or if he was gay. OH SHIT, YOU'RE RIGHT!
briglass: Hey leave me be! My mom dropped me off and I'm getting some quality e2 time, K?
Roninspoon: Way to go Chii, all this time it was environmental and not genetic and you're the asskicking switchblade sister that's been turning healthy boys into pansies for 40 years.
briglass: I was told I could get some free koolaid?
tetrisboy: nail his foot to the floor
Roninspoon: But since yer a chick and all, just whisper real quite into his ear, "I want you so bad." THen lick him a little and go home early. He'll pee himself and run away.
novasoy: is crying already
Chris-O: dude, chii licking people is a BAD IDEA. waukegan still hasn't recovered from that "incident" in '83.
Roninspoon: Unless you've already gayed him up with yer intimidating woman juggers and glassy eyed scowl.
I'm pretty sure that's what slumber parties are all about for high school girls. Robotics and Trek. My sources could be ill-informed. -- Walter
thefez has been posting his anti-nodes again. One day it will destroy the universe in a flash of einstein. -- ascorbic
If I could noad like that, I'd be level a bazillion -- chiisuta
the truth of the matter is, e2 can never hurt you. it can also never hug you. ah, we live in dark times indeed. -- yossarian
I'm out of here! FUCK YOU ALL! THERE IS SUCH A THING AS HAVING A LITTLE BIT TO MUCH FUN WITH PISSING OTHERS OFF! AND YOU PPL WENT OVER THE EDGE!!!!!!! here's my final words b4 i leave u all, U ARE MOTHER FUCKIN COCK SUKIN PUSSY LIKIN SONS OF BITCHES! -- viva la BAM
We really need a "You must be this literate to ride" sign -- fruan
no iwstf: i am not japanese, but you will not once again get me riled up and blogged.
and iwstf: if you are willing not to criticize me i will teach you a thing or two about women. Because I know exactly what we all want, so if you can refrain from doing what you did yesterday i will help, if you want the help. -- viva la BAM
Getting to know you noders fucking sucked, but you needing my wisdoms bad renders me incapable of doing anything other than laugh every single time I read it. If there is something funnier in the universe, I fear it. -- fruan
you are all I could have hoped for in a son. -- allseeingeye
girls always want to talk about how they "feel" about things, like how they "feel" about taking out the garbage -- haze
The Hu-mon Female sheds her carapace nighty, and hovers roughly 4 to 9 inches off the ceiling while making a high pitched keening squeal. Interupting this process will result in the release of caustic liquids. -- allseeingeye
it's not interesting unless I sprain something -- FeltTips
OH, you've moved the old ones over.
That's "Oh" not "OH", I'm not that surprised. -- The One Who Can't Be Ruffled, JudyT
Ok, after IWho, Bill Nye is the sexiest man on Earth. -- Laura Elizabeth
Capitalism isn't even an ism. It's just nature, baby. -- Simulacron3
Well, it gives me the willies, those arseholes have ruined London with their terrorism. -- AnnaPanna
rootbeer277: A teacher once told my class that you can't contemplate the mystery of the trinity while having an orgasm. Thanks a shitload, jerk, now I can't think about anything else.
It was an ethics class with a rather broad and vaguely defined syllabus.
kthejoker: I love you guys. Seriously.
The whole point of getting past puberty is to understand how unimportant interpersonal relationships are except as leverage for selfish purposes. -- Simulacron3
The whole system has left me impotent and disconsolent. I don't write anymore. I just hang out here to insult people and attack their cherished values. -- Simulacron3
Are you people thick? I don't care if The New E2 involves ritualistic self-flaggelation and random unrinalysis, Jennifer Aniston is here fer chrissake. -- Halspal
Erm. I appreciate the offer but I'm a tad tired and likely busy also. -- JohnnyGoodyear
Andromache01: Set them on fire and hide the remains in the wine cellar?
etouffee: No, no Andro..thats when you loathe someone..when you love them you tether them to your bed and feed them to your hyenas
$ yclept: dagnabit, now I want lasagne
Excalibre: you always want food. me, i'd commit multiple homicide for a slice of chocolate cheesecake right now.
Andromache01: Make it vanilla and lime cheesecake and I'll take out the pope.
Once again I am left with waiting to outlive someone as my only means of winning. -- amnesiac
IWhoSawTheFace: Are we playing How Gay Can U Go?
Evil Catullus: Don't be silly. I'd always win. No, it's how gay and EVIL can you go.
Most problems can be solved by judicious gunnery -- allseeingeye
m/sg IWhoSawTheFace No, it wasn't whores, but it was still pretty lascivious. I don't know what to do with all the leftover lingerie. -- bewilderbeast
Excalibre i learned all about straight people from a documentary i once saw on their sexual practices.
Excalibre actually, i think it was called "sorority sluts 6". it featured a fine young actress named chasey lain.
Laura Elizabeth Ex, try "Sorority Sluts 9" - much more detailed. Far better for research.
Glowing Fish I consider Cheerleader Nurses 4 to be a great look at the professional choices available to the young women of today.
IWhoSawTheFace Is there a Naughty Meter Maids 14? I've only got 1-13.
golFUR "We had initially only planned for a trilogy, but when Cheerleader Nurses 3 outsold 1 & 2 combined we knew we could go to the well at least one more time."
sam512 Naughty Meter Maids 14 answers many of the questions opened in NMM10, 11, 12 and 13.
ascorbic I hear they're planning a prequel that shows some of the backstory before their parking enforcement days.
Bitriot When I saw Naughty Meter Maids 14 I was really surprised at how easily I got into the plot. That's not easy to do with a 13th sequel.
golFUR That'd be a Meter Lad?
golFUR swings his nightstick
sam512 they're saying NMM15 may be the last one.
Laura Elizabeth You have Meter Lads? Shit, I gotta move outta this assbackward burg!
IWhoSawTheFace Have you seen the original Meter Maid in the Nat'l Enquirer? Sad, really.
JudyT Of course SToppard's dialogue helped NMM 14 a lot.
sam512 There's always the Extended Universe novels, of course.
Bitriot That's good. A lot of folks would try to milk the luster out of the series.
IWhoSawTheFace You can really tell the change in metering technology throughout the series. It's hard to go back and watch NMM1 and 2.
Glowing Fish Is there a movie about them yet? Or better yet: Trannie Meter Lads, The Return?
sam512 I think they need to rest the franchise for a decade or so anyway. Then Naughty Meter Maids: Phase II!
Bitriot IWho: It's almost unpleasant that these things contain dated elements ... it's a painful vulnerability.
Laura Elizabeth If there is, GF, I'm so buying it!
ascorbic The spin-off "Angry Clampers" was ill-advised to say the least.
Excalibre nothing tops the tender, beautiful journey from girl to woman to naughty slut that we saw in nnm 8, though. it truly touched my heart.
IWhoSawTheFace The good news is that the AFI decided NMM has become part of the film canon now. It's respectable to watch the early stuff.
Glowing Fish I hear that the NMMXIV will have one of those new computerized meters that goes haywire and sucks our heroine into a high tech, CGI world of weird electronic bondage beings. Or something.
sam512 NMM1 and 2 haven't aged well. NMM3 is timeless, of course.
rootbeer277 Of course, critics are divided on the story arc the series follows. It can be hard to pick up Naughty Meter Maids in the middle and follow the plot. None of them really stand on their own very well.
Bitriot Mine as well, ex. And my perianal muscles also. But mostly my heart.
Excalibre she started out so vulnerable. wonderful cinematography, too.
Laura Elizabeth Will it be on AMC IWho?
IWhoSawTheFace The rumor mill keeps saying they've asked J-Lo to be the lead in a new TV series. Hell, I'd buy a television to watch her bootyback
sam512 TV series? It'll never work.
Bitriot GF: The series has exploited everything this humble world has to offer. It must expand its beautiful horizons.
Bitriot In more ways than one.
IWhoSawTheFace OK, how about a 'reality series' version? You know, jerky handycam footage and 14 yr old boys played by 27 year old men?
Excalibre i don't see how it could be divided episodically. the reverse gangbang scene alone in nnm12 lasted longer than a 45-minute tv show.
IWhoSawTheFace Maybe we'd have to go 2 hour season premier for that one? You think?
Glowing Fish Excalibre: that could be a one hour long, "very special" episode.
sam512 I heard that they were bringing back all the original drivers for NMM15, which puzzled me, because at least two of the actors have died in the meantime.
IWhoSawTheFace Matthew Perry's a holdout. I think he's in detox again.
Excalibre also, though, the movies have always depended on their taut pacing. i don't know if the drama would last if it was interspersed with commercial breaks.
Simulacron3 The true life story of lovely Rita is such a sad one--a fine woman ravaged by a peri-modern society driven by the pernicious combination of juvenile minds and lack of sex.
IWhoSawTheFace looks at the videotapes of NMM1-13 in their original boxes and wonders if he should put them in a safe deposit box.
IWhoSawTheFace These things might be eBay gold some day.
sam512 And the car chases! Goodness, the car chases. Why aren't there more car chases in porn?
Bitriot wonders if his arm's-length polaroid homemade porn has a place on EBay.
Laura Elizabeth Have you ever tried to have sex doing 110 on a darkly-lit back road, Sam? It's nearly fuckin' impossible! That's why they've stopped using car chases.
FeltTips: I'm only allowed four coquette-isms a day
Simulacron3: If I had a feminine side, I'd touch it every day.
Allseeingeye: I wanted a stalker with big tits and a poor moral compass, but I suppose you'll do.
thefez sits in the morning pool of coffee
borgo gives a shout out to thefez!
thefez bellows back
IWhoSawTheFace: Fez, dare we speak of you? Is the statute of limitations over yet?
thefez: only if you're on the list, face. you made the squad
IWhoSawTheFace temples his fingers. Eeeeeexcellent.
IWhoSawTheFace: Member, thefez squad. Eeeeexcellent. This will look real good on the resume.
thefez: i wouldn't tell prospective employers about that one - especially if there's a possibility of a drug test...ahem
drownzsurf: You couldn't really date hippie chicks....they were all so free, you know.
Laura Elizabeth: E2 is special. Like puppies doused in tuna fish and set loose amoungst kittens. Special.
Ancientsnow: Kink for hot, disturbed, anvil-fixated, pokey mammas? Try E2.
IWhoSawTheFace: Remind me the secret thing I did that scared you away two years ago.
Wolf06: Now I remember...
Wolf06: Face was the big ass mother fucking jerk.
Wolf06: That's why I left
Wolf06: I didn't want to put up with him
IWhoSawTheFace: Yes yes, but we need details, man. Details!
Wolf06: You are the detail.
Narya: Great God, please let there be an epic knife fight.
IWhoSawTheFace: Well, I hve to be nice now. Brawl said he'd cut off my private parts if I wasn't nice to new noders.
IWhoSawTheFace: He didn't really use those words. He said it in a nice, self-apologetic Canadian sort of way. But there was definitely the testicles in jars image.
Ancientsnow: Fuck me shoes? Those exist?
Dimview: Of course they do. Or I have been wasting my money, Ancient.
Laura Elizabeth: How can you be self-conscious wearing fuck-me boots? That's the whole point.
XWiz: I once saw an advert for a pheromone wipe thing. Back before I knew I was gay. I considered it, but worried that women might follow me home like excited ants.
ancientsnow: Ooh math! I like math. But like, not the hard one.
Swap: Yoo-Hoo: Have you tried 4chan yet? ∀ x ∃ y such that y = porn(x).
kthejoker: Amazon Review: "Honestly, the only reason I rented this movie was to see Vanna White, and maybe in the buff. I wasn't disappointed."
allseeingeye: E2 exists to point people towards their personal kink Meccas. It is what we do.
The Custodian: Some of us don't need to be bothered. Some of us would kill you, grind your bones to meal, bake bread, grind that into the dirt and piss on it just for laughs. This is the catbox.
Ancientsnow: My favorite part of being raised Catholic is the whole ignore your functioning brain bit.
Halspal: I hate it when people miss people at E2, but I miss jessicapierce since she started keeping a lower profile.
Halspal: Her name on the fellow noders list had a soothing effect on me.
Halspal: And when I find out which monkeys are irritating her away, I'm going to send them to fucking cornfield forever.
Ancientsnow: omg veteran does that mean old eww gross
Ancientsnow: you guys ar'e wierd is this a dirty place what is this site
Ancientsnow: My eyes are green-ISH. They seriously vary according to weather status. It's like a mood bracelet, but for weather, and in my face.
Ancientsnow: It's actually nothing like a mood bracelet.
passport Things were awesome and sort of hot the first few days of our fling, but then she did the "I am going to freak out now" thing, and we haven't seen each other solo since then. But tonight should be good.
eien_meru Ack, not the "I am going to freak out now" thing. I hate that.
borgo For most problems the Marine is issued a solution. If ill, go to sickbay. If wounded, call a Corpsman. If dead, report to graves registration. If losing his mind, however, no standard solution exists.
sirspens Marines don't lose their mind. Marine's are too physically and mentally evolved to endure such disgrace.
borgo ooh fuckin rah to that
kthejoker The whole point of namedropping obscure bands is to be inscrutable both in taste and explanation.
Harry Potter's ruining my sex life
IWhoSawTheFace This new Harry Potter book is interfering with my social life. I'm seeing this woman, but she's deep into the new book, and I'm like, hey, what about me? And she's like, yeah, whatever, let me finish this book first.IWhoSawTheFace I'm getting really pissed off. What's this author's name? Rowling? Rowland?
borgo IWSTF - apparently she's become an avid reader since meeting you
IWhoSawTheFace Yeah, borgo, that's my fear too.
borgo next thing ya know she'll be all deep into Proust
IWhoSawTheFace Plus she's got this big ass book by an Indian author. It's got, like, a thousand pages.
karma debt IWho, she has an ass-book? Keep that woman. Seriously.
IWhoSawTheFace And tiny print. She's never going to get through that one.
IWhoSawTheFace I may just cut my losses and go with some blind chick next time.
borgo for your sake I hope it's the kama sutra
Dimview If she's studying the Kama Sutra he might not survive.
IWhoSawTheFace No, it's got words in it. Lots of words. Only words. Words like sibilant. Who the fuck uses sibilant in a sentence? Crazy bitch is all into that shit.
amnesiac I bet it's Arundhati Roy, you won't see her again this side of the next Olympics.
IWhoSawTheFace Oh great. I think it is arund... roy. Or singh, or something like that. What is it with your wordy brown people, amn? Can't they write smaller books?