It's 1:40 here, and I know it's amost 7 there. I wonder if you're eating breakfast, getting ready for work, on the train, at work, or what. I don't know your morning schedule that well, but that's okay. You don't know mine either. For some reason, we've never talked about it. mine changes every ten weeks, and yours, well, I just don't know. I know you've had chaos at work. Do you wake up earlier? Go to bed later? You'd think I know about the latter, but I really don't.
I pucker my lips and kiss the air, hoping. Hoping that the collection of hydrogen, helium, nitrogen, oxygen, and other trace elements miraculously conglomerate together and form lips identical to yours to press against. My hands are warm on my shoulders like I miss yours being. Just like every night. I find that a cotton comforter feels like flesh if you rub your lips against it just right. I may sob. I did last night, I think, I can't remember. They run together. They're all nights you're not here.
There is a Taoist parable about three vinegar tasters. Long story short, the Taoist drinking the vinegar is smiling, because he experiences the bitterness, and it helps him appreciate the sweet things in life that much more. This is not the winning strategy you might think. See, your arms around me was sweet. Not having them makes them sweeter when they will be here. But I don't know when that is. It's like someone waiting for a cig break, not knowing when they're going to have it. But they know sometime they will, so they keep anticipating. I probably don't understand the Tao that well. I don't really care. You don't either.
I hold the comforter tight and squeeze. I can't remember if you're that thin or not, so I just pretend you are. I know you aren't, but it's okay. I miss you, the most beautiful man I know. You don't believe me when I say that, but it's true. I came to a conclusion. I miss you not because you complete me. Instead, it is because you show me that I can complete myself. And I pray and hope with all my might that once I do that, the two of us can become more than a whole. Something amazing.
But I'm just a silly girl with dreams.