Near Matches
Ignore Exact
Everything
2
Baby makes three
(
poetry
)
by
jessicaj
Mon Apr 03 2017 at 16:12:20
Last night the girls and I
stayed up late watching
The Pink Panther.
We found an old
episode, from
1993
where The Pink Panther
speaks. My oldest turned
it off, the next one
featured
PP
receiving an
alligator baby from the stork.
I'm critical of my daughters
this makes me sad. I want
to think about the first time
I held them, that moment
when I knew, I had a new
life growing inside of me.
I'm trying so hard when I
know that the key is to stop
putting this pressure on
myself and them.
Last night an attorney
told me a woman at work
is manipulating me
emotionally. Something
about our interactions felt off
I didn't recognize it for what
it was, I'm not that kind of
person. I never learned how
to protect my inner self.
But I'm stronger now.
My boss helps me. When I
confess that I am a terrible
mother she reminds me of
how I treat my daughter when
we are at work, walking
around together, shopping,
grabbing what we want,
if I'm exhausted, so are they.
I don't care if we sleep,
I never got enough when I was a kid.
Last night I told my youngest
that my oldest was now the mom.
Hearing her tone of voice, what
she said, it tore at my heartstrings.
The cruelty, the 'I don't give a fuck
about you or anyone else as I sit
on my computer, typing away',
that scared me, I don't know what
to do, but
anxiety
comes from inaction
so I have to do something.
Make a meal, set down guidelines
this is what we do at mom's place
whether dad likes it or not. We can
communicate better, cook, clean,
eat some actual meals instead of
foraging. My boss is so awesome,
she tells me about her dad, he was
a single parent who came home to
bratty kids, bills, dishes, laundry,
let's go
fishing
he told her one day.
You have to give yourself time
to grieve, to heal, to mourn, that
which feels lost, when it's really me
who can fix things. Because I am a
rock star at work. That makes other
women jealous. They have husbands,
boyfriends, but say that guys like me.
I can be single, be strong, love
my baby
who will be turning fourteen
in July after her sister turns
16
in May.
I can never go back, undo the past
unhave children, if I would, I want
a better life for them than the one
I had, the one they have now, where
we live in a really nice place, that
has no privacy, no laughter, no joy.
I want to stop spending money like
presents are going to bring us closer.
They won't. I tried that. What it
showed them was mom feels guilty.
I need a plan. Here it is. A place
we can start. Get professional
help because this is way past what
one woman can know, or deal with
when she hasn't been taught how
to balance power and authority
with mercy and accountability. I
have more money than I did, but
that isn't the real problem. Am I
broken? For sure, but cracks can heal.
A woman I work with told me that
I should apply for disability. Where
would that leave me and the girls?
With another employment gap, that
wouldn't help me really, I'm a good
employee. I work very hard, and I'm
very smart. She's less of an asset
than I am. Is she just jealous? I
think so, this morning I heard that
anger
is an acid buring its container.
I have beautiful children. Fair, smart,
funny, I don't do the things I should
for them, and then I cry at night, or
even during the day, at work. But
last night when I told a woman who
knows them she told me that her mom
was the same kind of parent I am, and
she said that she turned out okay, so
maybe, they will too. You, me, sister
makes three. Daddy is gone,
let's just breathe
.
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