In which wertperch talks about feels, dealing with old journal/daylog entries, memories of grundoon and Tessie, and weroland, who's in hospice care at home.
i spent a good part of yesterday going through my old daylogs, for two reasons. Partly I wanted a list summarising them all (I used to have such a list on my homenode, but it got killed off due to my using unapproved Unicode characters, which destroyed evrything typed after them =[). The other thing is that I've wanted to document my coming to America, and my relationship with Christine and Tess, so I could point people to that collection of writings. That category, The life and times of grundoon, is getting to be almost complete; I still need to add in some of Christine's own writings on her progress through cancer and the treatments. In part, this is to tell the story of how we met, but also document the growing love that we shared, and how the three of us (grundoon, myself and Tessie) managed this dreadful seven-year journey by just loving one another.
Yesterday was complicated emotionally, and at times, hard. Old feelings surfaced, feelings of guilt and shame, of love and loss, but also of joy and achievement, astonishment and wonder. The courage Christine and Tessie showed, the leap of faith I made coming over to marry her despite her cancer and the uncertain future. The way a whole community of people rallied around us all, and the realisation that we were loved. All these things washed around my poor brain yesterday. At one point, sitting in the cafe gathering these lists, I got a little overwhelmed and started crying. In a way I'm quite proud of myself for doing this, in part because it enabled me to see myself in a different light ("I went through all of that‽ Wow, I'm a good, strong person!") and partly, allowed me to truly examine my feelings, not just about me, but the three of us, and about the community that surrounded us and buoyed us up. I'd had judgements about myself, about some of my actions and inactions, all of which have been instrumental in my being in the place I'm in right now. these judgements were not always helpful to me, and this exercise helped me reframe some of these judgements, to see myself in a different light and be a little kinder to myself. the Dryad tells me I've no need to feel shame. Perhaps so. I am deeply saddened that i neglected Tessie following her violent and traumatic removal to Washington state; I suffered a complete collapse into depression that, while understandable, was probably avoidable. tessie forgave me, time to forgive myself.
I had a teacher/mentor once, an Anglican priest, who told me that, of all the relationships one could have, the most important one was with oneself. I know now that I'd neglected that one, and yesterday helped. Of course when the Dryad heard what I'd been doing, and that i felt conflicted, she too encouraged me to reframe what I'd considered failings. I can pat myself on the back now, and say "Good job, you did well and survived!" Dearest darling Dryad, you are a powerhouse of wisdom, a river of strength, and I am delighted and privileged to know you.
(Side note: this is the woman who encouraged Christine to sign up for ballet classes when Christine faltered, the woman sitting with her the morning of the day she died. i have been in love with her for years, love her and her children just as I fell in love with Christine and loved Tess when I first came to visit. There's a whole story there i could tell!) Dearest darling Dryad, sweet E— and E—,² I love you all, and thank you for being a part of my life, and Christine's and Tessie's. Her life, and mine, would have been poorer but for y'all.
weroland update
The other reason i write today is to talk weroland, and his current condition. You may already know that he's in hospice care at home, after having a stroke. Now I do not know all the details, but i have been in limited touch with him via text. There's not a lot to tell, hospice care being what it is, but I had a message from him earlier, so for now I know he's still ticking. I know from my experience with Christine in hospice care, that there may come a time when even that communication may shut down through physical or mental tiredness, or his body just shutting down by degrees. Today he was ticking well enough to have logged on earlier–after all, he read and C! this 'log. I ask you all, keep him in your thoughts, he and his family. Even if you don't believe in prayer, understand that the recipient values knowing that others are cheering one on and wishing good things. Even 'atheist prayers', good thoughts, passed along, are a boost to the spirit in tough times. This is all to say that if you want me to pass on a message to him or his family, I'll gladly be the gobetween. I can't intercede with God but I can pass good wishes and kind thoughts along. That's all i can do. Prayers/good thoughts for his family too, who are probably stressed and tired. Caregiver syndrome is a thing, t's akin to PTSD; I can speak to that one myself.
werperch update
The other, other reason is to update you on my life and status. Several people showed concern that i have been sleeping in my car following the early termination of my lease. So here's the skinny on that:
My housemate and i owed two months of back-rent, and as neither of us were able to pay in a reasonable amount of time, the property managers agreed to end the lease without penalty. This means that they are allowing us time to pay the arrear, will not send the account to collections or otherwise penalise us; in short, they were amazingly kind and human in their dealings with us. I was still recovering from a stroke, heart attack and healing after open heart surgery, Bill was just limited in his ability to work for various complex and personal reasons, but still taking care of me and looking out for me. Both of us were happy with the way we were dealt with, even though for me it meant having to move out with no ability to rent elsewhere ( I've not worked full time since my stroke in December 2024, and my boss is not yet in a position to take me back). I've been working some with another farmer friend, sleeping in my car meanwhile. He has also said he'd house me provided I can find a structure to live on, on his farm ¹
Sleeping in the car isn't quite as bad or as tough as it might sound. I was forttunate enough to discover that there's a program in Davis called Heart of Davis, which is a collaboration between various faith groups, the City and the Police, that enables people to park their cars in a church property at night so we can sleep unmolested and in relative safety. Currently I'm able to show up in the evening, knowing there's a guaranteed parking space, a sheltered space indoors to gather out of the elements (it's getting chilly at night now!), and volunteers who hand out snacks and drinks morning and evening and listen to our cares and concerns. There's a little community grown up around this organisation that's really supportive, kind, non-judgmental and hospitable! I will never take a simple bed for granted ever again; even the most comfortable car seat is no comparison to stretching out on a real mattress and good bedclothes. Still, I am relatively safe, warm and content enough. Whilst i don't have cooking facilities, I can at least make myself a pourover coffee every morning, get a light breakfast courtesy of the volunteers, and use a loo when I need at night. One of my friends' mother has also offered me a bed for a night when I need respite; I can also get a shower and do laundry there, so more loving kindness manifest, for which I am most appreciative. Several church groups arrange meals for the needy every week, which is valuable both for physical and social health, I'm really relatively well. That I have a car to get around in, and double as bedroom! is another bonus. Compared with may unhoused folk in the area, I am pretty fortunate. i see folk sleeping rough and i am grateful for my situation and for the thoughtfulness, care and consideration that my community offers up. For example, many of my customers hand me cash to buy petrol and coffee, the baristas in my favoured cafe encourage me to come every day, make me a cappuccino even on those days I'm cash-strapped.
Healthwise, I'm doing well. It's almost a year since the heart attack that led to my open heart surgery, I am healed from the initial insult to my body, but my body is still recovering; my ribs and back are often sore, especially if i have to stretch (getting out of the car is an effort and a pain, but I musn't grumble. I can still walk and talk, I can get myself to the cafe, enjoy sitting and reading in the library, and visit with local friends. I'm okay. I could use an occasional hot tub and would benefit fro a massage, but I am in one piece, upright and facing forward.
Tessie has been in touch and told me she's planning to come down to California later this month, which I look forward to. My savings didn't allow me to get the train up there, so my hoped-for visit to Seattle has been postponed indefinitely, likewise my trip across country to visit the Dryad and her family. But even those, my distant friends and family are in touch, letting me know i am loved and thought about. I love you all and I am thankful for you ♥
So to all of you who ask 'what can I do?", I say to keep me in your thoughts, drop me a line now and again. reach out if you need a channel of communication: email, text or Signal messenger all work for me. Even a quick /msg is heartwarming, knowing that I am not alone in the world.
TL;DR
I am doing pretty well, will pass on good wishes to weroland, I am for now safe and looked after, and I would love to hear from you.
¹ While writing this, Bill called me, preempting me calling him. Thanks, Bill, for everything!
² i am keeping their names out of this, for Reasons.
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best wishes passed on from:
Auspice, Jet-poop, passalidae, etouffee —passed along, thank you!