November 5, 2000

Everything Day Logs
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Time: Sun, 5 Nov 2000 00:21:16 GMT
Everything server: Apache/1.3.9 (Unix) Debian/GNU mod_ssl/2.4.10 OpenSSL/0.9.4 mod_perl/1.21_03-dev
Number of nodes: 741355 (685 new since November 4, 2000)
Number of users: 20235 (34 new since November 4, 2000)
Number of links: 2473428 (9781 new since November 4, 2000)

Node to user ratio: 36.637 nodes per user
Link to node ratio: 3.336 links per node
Link to user ratio: 122.235 links per user

New Nodes: [How to drink urine to survive] [Scooby Doo smokes marijuana] [People Who Plaster Their Cars With Political Bumper Stickers] [beatles buskers] [ctyi] [Tugboat] [old school] [Undun] [The Journal of the Cursed Scientist] [I wish I could make you feel better] [Geek vs Nerd] [George Herbert] [Volpone] [Suggestions for E2] [dream log: november 5, 2000]

Users Online (56): [Tem42] [Gamaliel] [General Wesc] [Dis] [jessicapierce] [dragoon] [ryano] [The Custodian] [tftv256] [emil greer] [anotherone] [--OutpostMir--] [bob the cow] [Starrynight] [7Ghent] [achan] [nocodeforparanoia] [Gorgonzola] [Tannor] [Citizen Aim] [Mojo Jojo] [ril] [spacklequeen] [Muke] [Chihuahua Grub] [Void_Ptr] [Maldoror00] [cody] [AU] [Infinity] [Big Willy] [blukens] [indestructible] [Blue_Bellied_Lizard] [Ahab] [Iseult] [wh00t] [Brain] [Sirius] [z_evil1] [Azound] [Kalie Ma] [beaneater] [Ryouga] [sneakums] [Fquist] [davecul] [Shijef] [mmoin] [Dave!] [litmus] [Cosmyre] [monnker] [pheph] [drachub] [10998521]

JeffMagnus node count: 4037 (1 new since November 4, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience: 9670 (1 more since November 4, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience to node ratio: 2.395 XP per node
JeffMagnus nodeshare: 0.545%
JeffMagnus node of the day: Microsoft

Eyelids heavy, and filled with a night of giggles and laughter, I have noders on my floor. Templeton lays childlike an innocent between safety orange been bags and a scooby doo blanket. Illumina made a bed from orange and blue throw pillows and a fuzzy blue blanket while drunkenmonkey lays passed out on the carpet with flower petals about his knees and an old kitty pillow my mother made. Not too long ago proj2501 left teary eyed to find his way back to Rhode Island. We didn't know he was allergic.

Maybe two miles to the north randir lies cuddled in his bed, while I think of my friends with dogs curled beside me.

Poorly planned, and badly executed, we somehow managed to gather with time spared for good pizza before a night of dancing. drunkenmonkey did his little chimpanze wiggle, proj2501 bounced to the rhythm with occassional bursts of a techno, thrashy, post Devo dance. The boy is not afraid to have fun on the floor. Illumina came and went from the room, but with him I could be sexual and close without fear. randir, moved through his many styles, while templeton made sensual circles to her own internal song. It was beautiful to watch the way she swayed but a groping male, encountered along the way, left a blot upon the picture.

I have no idea what my dance looked like, untrained and inelegant, but as the night progressed I thought more and more of a girl four hundred miles away and danced my dance for her. Eyes closed, facing the tower of speakers, pulsing airwaves shook my skirt, and I imagined her hands upon me. I danced for her and lifted my head with fangs bared when the thoughts pushed deep within me.

Eventually they tired and stepped into the sitting room. The club would close soon anyway. We piled into drunkenmonkey's car with me curled up like a lover across Illumina's lap and chest. My head tucked beneath his chin, I enjoyed the sensation of being close to someone again. I love you Illumina. You will always be my friend.

Back to my place for fluids and pizza, templeton found herself too tired to bother with another smoke. Not too sleep deprived, we sat and laughed at tales of rabbits, imbedded tree limbs, and other assorted goodness. They're asleep now but I can hear the foam beads shifting as templeton moved. I'll sleep now. I had a good day.

It's terribly depressing to walk outside at 6:15 after working for half the day, to find it dark as midnight. Not that night is a bad thing, but when you've hardly been awake six hours, and when you asked the beautiful fall day for a raincheck, promising you'd return to bask in the chilly breeze for at least a quick stroll later on, you can't help but feel that you've burned the day away.

At the moment I'm still harboring vivid images of the theater production I saw tonight, Anton Chekov's Three Sisters. A writer with a terribly ominous view of life, Chekov portrays day-to-day life as tragic lonliness, pointlessness, emptyness. The closing scene of the play has the three sisters in a painful embrace, one lamenting "if only we knew why." A powerful production, all in all.

Did some frustrating Perl hacking today, wrestling with annoying but ultimately neccesary taintedness checks. One part of my script had the equivalent of the following:

if(is_tainted($a) || is_tainted($b)) {
     print "One of the input values was tainted";
}
$c = $a || $b;
if(is_tainted($c)) {
     print "Output value is tainted";
}

and for some reason, though neither $a nor $b were tainted, $c would be. Annoying as hell, and I can't reproduce it in smaller programs. So I ultimately worked around it.

One final note: I think I'm going to give up on trying to be funny around here. Judging from the reps on my "funny" nodes, I'm about as entertaining as George W. Bush.

While integrating my nodes, I was offered one choice of nodetype for the word "massacre". The choices are only ever offered when there are Duplicates Found: (hoi - following that hardlink gives a not-quite-right error message) - more than one node-or-nodelet of that name existing in the database. Presumably there is some hitherto unknown function on e2 named, possibly aptly, the "massacre." Frankly I hope never to find out firsthand what it can do.

Following discofever's addition of its metanode to the Page of Cool (my prior complaints today already forgotten and melted like mad butter), I've been tearing like the maniac madman I am to finish posting up all of the poems from Don Marquis' very funny, very poignant collection archy and mehitabel. Though I'm not quite done yet, I should be by the time you read this, at which point I'll extend congrats all around to Quizro, Heyoka, Girlotron and consumagenerica for helping me fill it out (and curse them for leaving all the really long and tedious ones for me to manually transcribe at this late hour 8). archy s life of mehitabel is up next, gang! I've already got a handful up, but this one is going to be almost pure transcription... no easy cut-and-posting for us this time around 8)

The west wall of my room is now trimmed neatly with correspondance from Everythingites. This is not an exceedingly great quantity of postcards (it is, after all, a Room of Very Little Volume) but when I ran out of room on the wall I had been sticking the mail to, I felt that this marked some sort of milestone. A Let's-Tell-Everybody commemmoration milestone! So, without further ado, I and the mail service extend profound thanks and appreciation to, in order of reception, pukesick (a postcard made form an airline emergency booklet), dorian (exposed as the mystery sender), dem bones, ailie (with her second-favorite poem), jet-poop (en espagnol!), segnbora-t, ideath (the levitating cat to date my favourite in the whole collection), bob the cow (w/SAT vocab card included at no extra charge!), ideath (again), icicle, NWC (two subliminal tapes), hoopy_frood, lillianvalencia, zari, dorian (again), spacklequeen (mix tape and issue of the 'zine Retina Soybean), dorian (again again), dialogue, spacklequeen (again, mix tape contents listing), and the group whore-card from spiregrain, dizzy, gnarl, heyoka and iain. Though the Everything Mailing Address Registry is no more, keeners can still find out my postal code and other mailing information at the Tabhouse node, where I live. (The house, dumbass, not the node.) Let's try to half the amount of time it takes to fill the next wall! (No particularly difficult feat since it's only about half as long...)

Note: Those familiar with me may find this post unusually, er, perky. I'm not actually all that keen on either day logs or even individual postcard reception - sure, I'll make 'em and take 'em, but typically nary an exclamation point will be involved, but making this entry allows me a brief respite from transcribing the remainder of archy and mehitabel. Oh my aching larval carpal tunnel syndrome...

in our last episode... | p_i-logs | and then, all of a sudden...

16:30

I saw the second Pokémon movie... Not bad, not bad at all - though it still doesn't qualify as a great animation... =)

I enjoyed it more than the the first movie because the opening part wasn't as boring as the opening clip of the first... I mean, it was still kind of dumb, but less dumb than the first - plus, it had actually amusing parts. The movie itself was spectacular, but not too complicated.

Oh, and one thing that saved my day: Wild Vulpixes! =)

I got two promo cards too...

16:53

I got a load of spam and no one still hasn't written to me... =(

Well, the spam was kind of amusing, though. Some pr0n spammer said he had met me in "chat room" and such, and put my picture to a pr0n site.

"live, nude, barely legal young girls" site. That's right.

I seriously doubt my picture (if they did got one, which I seriously suspect didn't happen) ended up there - or, it may have been, if the spammers are both stupid and blind (the first is probably true nevertheless).

"See WWWWolf, the skinny ugly geekette... oops! geek, sorry..."

Somehow, this scenario doesn't really make me trust the pr0n page webmasters a single bit more. =) =) =)

19:28

Call me boring and grumpy, but I just downvoted Realistic Cyber-Sex, cybersex gone wrong and Bad Cybersex. I mean, it was remotely (VERY remotely) funny the first time I read it (in 1997 or something), but reading three copies of the same in E2 is kind of... boring.

Okay, I'll promise I won't whine about duplicate nodes too much any more - but seeing three copies of same old story just too much... all too much...

Kids: stay sharp when you node old jokes, and pick titles carefully. See if someone had the same idea if it's possible...

18:56

Hello, blue world... =) I switched back to classic theme water settings. Strange, I used the goth theme for one day and I already got sort of used to it. But my eyes will hurt for long time, that's sure! =)

21:39

saeenbsazwekji bazs rftyudfccdf jikun trghew bhgomnewnkixs wfdrijutrtren bvty a cxazstrg. gfthbnjiku swasdx sdejutrfggdseb bvgtyh <A ckilx,.

=)

23:40

I released the emacs lisp version of Mortar. Something odd and something weird and something truly unimpressive. And stuff. God damn it, I can't even think straight anymore. Hmph. Nerves.

::sighs::

I wish someone would really mail me.

23:50

I hate spam.

I hate spam.

I hate spam.

No, i don't say that I hate spam, just that I hate spam. =) Spammers, please die. I really don't need any more spam, for God's sake.. I could really use some mail from real people, not some emotionless programs.

OK, this was my tired thought of the day. Be sure to check today's User Friendly. That's got a point.

Maybe I should go to sleep or something.

---

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: promo card chicken head Pagefox Turrican
Updated:

This has been an excelent weekend, not only did the lovely and talented miss Allison Deen come to visit me, but we managed to have a fairly large trial game on my Unreal Tournament Server.

For some odd reasn this weekend, I decided that I had too much money. I therefore bought a 55 gallon aquarium for a salt water tank. What am I gonna do with a salt water tank you ask? *shrug* I don't know. Do I know how to take care of salt water fish? Hell I can't even take care of myself half of the time. Why did I buy it then? Who the hell knows. All I can say is that it had something to do with me having more money than I know what to do with, but that's cool, I don't really mind that.

On Monday I will take the first important test I've taken in 2 1/2 years. I'm a little nervous, and at the same time very excited. Which means that today I must study hard. Tomorrow will be a long day.

I've just woken up on my living room floor, clothed as I was yesterday with the addition of a fleece top on and a dressing gown draped over me. No, I didn't pass out, I was washing my bed-linen yesterday and never bothered finishing. Which was intelligent. Not that I went to sleep until about 07:00 anyway, because I was devouring the book The Player of Games by Iain M. Banks. It was very enjoyable, but not one of his best books (neither was it his worst), IMHO.

Music. I've become bored with my music collection. Thing is, I don't particularly want to spend lots of money buying new music, and also don't know what kind of thing I'd like to get anyway. Hmm.

Anyway, what to do today. I really feel like diving deep into a pile of code, but I'm not working on anything at the moment. I should really go find an interesting Free Software project to contribute to, but I can't be bothered thinking/talking about coding, I'd rather just code. Never mind.

back | days | forth

Some advice, never buy a boots disposable camera

Recovering from the monkey in soho a-go-go evening, trying to collate the many things that happened last night, all the good times and laughter... I really hated finding out this lunchtime that so many of the good photos I took didn't come out due to the crappy cheap disposable camera I brought :-(

I now have two things to worry about, over and on top of the normal stresses of daily life: My mother is having a spinal fusion done next week and she will be out of action for many, many months. She told me the things I should do if she should die, how does one even begin to plan for or comprehend their parent's possible death? And my beloved is uncontactable, working this weekend with no access to long distance comms :-(

---

maybe more later peeps

in less than a week, there will be a new president of the united states.

this is not really disturbing, just a little strange. it's been a long 8 years, baby; when someone besides Bill Clinton was in office, I was still in junior high. so, for most of my quote-unquote adult life, it's been the era of bill. it's kind of exciting to think that it will be different soon.

not that the president, or any part of government for that matter, has much influence over the quality of my life, as a healthy, young person. but politics is an interesting game to follow, a bit more exciting than the iron chef and less mind-numbing than jeopardy.

rotating thoughts in head.. always leading back to the same thing.. dad is in the hospital. i forget sometimes, and think that a car pulling in or driving by will be him, home from work. he will be in the hospital for the rest of the week, more or less. he had a heart attack this morning. there has been little sleep around this place.. i have quite a bit of stuff to write, i just am a little too tired to write now.

things: home video watching, talking to aunt liz, other stuff to mention when i am less exhausted.

Last night I went to a surprise party for a good friend of mine from high school. He goes to NYU, and double majors in music and pre-med. He's insane. Anyway, this guy (Amit) is really talented, and I used to play in a band with him. He plays guitar, I play drums.

So Amit's girlfriend Alana calls me up yesterday and tells me that there's going to be a surprise party for him that night. "Cool." I think. "I haven't seen him in a while. It'll be good to see him."

So that evening I shower, change, and go. Have no problem finding the place, a spacious NYU apartment on the 17th floor of a nice building overlooking Battery Park. Amit's new drummer Rob met me and several other who were coming to the party in the lobby, and signed us in. A group of girls who had already had several bottles of wine between them were with us. It became clear when one of them collapsed in the elevator on the way to the party that this was going to be a lot of fun.

Sitting around in Amit's apartment with these people, getting ready for Amit to arrive, I discovered that he had hung a couple of my paintings up in their apartment. It's neat to see your stuff in places like that, but a little odd, as well. When people learned that I was the creator of these works, I learned that they suddenly knew a lot more about me than I would've liked. Amit has a lot of dirt on me.

So Amit shows up and we surpirse him, and it's all good, and we sit around and get drunk, and this girl Tammy tells some really good stories while we wait. These stories will be noded soon, and are titled as follows:

Sharron takes a pee in the Subway Station
Rob and Sharron have really wild drunken sex and Tammy walks in on them and starts crying
Amit and Alana have wild sex in the den and Rob and Sharron have sex in the bedroom, leaving Tammy trapped in the hallway for the night (will not be noded seperately- that's the whole story)
and
Amit gets plastered and tries to cook

And it's a generally fun night. We get shitfaced and hang out telling jokes and talking about art, sex, drugs, and of course, rock and roll. A good time. And I managed to navigate an apartment full of drunken, horny females and not do anything...questionable. (Are you proud of me now, Andy?)

But I'm paying for it today.

/me crawls back into bed

After spending near two hours noding the complete play of Hamlet, I'm ready to write my daily entry ...

Before we came back to Green Bay, we decided to pay my grandfather a visit. He'd just moved into a new apartment, but had wasted no time in letting it get dirty and full of smoke. I just sat around and watched people argue over Bush and Gore.

After stopping for a hot dog, the family left for home (finally). We got back at about 3:00 PM, which gives me plenty of time to work on all the homework I've put off.

Sorry... a little boring today, but that's my life. What can I say?

but my big secret
gonna hover over your life
gonna keep you reaching
when I'm gone like yesterday
when I'm high like heaven
when I'm strong like music
'cuz I'm slow like honey, and
heavy with mood

I can't believe I'm listening to Fiona Apple. And I can't believe that I'm thinking about him while I'm listening to it.

I thought that I was over certain things, but I'm not. I thought I had grown up, but I haven't. Maybe this is one of those things that people don't grow out of.

There is no good depression. It's not sexy. It's not fun. It's not the new rock and roll.

It's not depression exactly, there's not a word for it. Emptiness, ennui, boredom-- there are many words that come close but not quite. When I'm not this way, I think that it's stupid. I should be able to control my thoughts...Control your conditioned response!.

Last year was such a good year for me, my moodiness at an all time low. All of the friends that I made are not used to me like this, so I just don't talk about it. Everytime I reach out in the slightest to anyone, they are no help at all. I don't know if they're just inequipped to handle this or if they just don't care.

So of course I assume the latter.

I just want someone who even if they don't understand what I'm going through, if they are inadequetly equipped to deal with me, they still care enough to try. That's all that I need.

"And we all do things which we regret"

Today started like any other. I had to go to church like usual, oh well. My brother and sister faked sick and didn't have to go, bastards. All through church they hinted at voting for Bush due to his being pro-life, I've had enough prayer for politics thank you very much.

I have an english project due on wednesday which is gonna be easy since I have 2 other people's reports sitting in my inbox right now. Ramsey and I went to the Philadelphia Free Library to find some stuff in the OED and other ideas. We spent a few hours there, and decided it would be a good idea to make a CGI to automagically generate a paper for next years sophmore class. On the way back home we stop at McDonalds and run into Aurash, who works there, he got expelled for exposing himself to a group of girls, he's still a jackass.

So right now, I'm at home, splicing together someone else's report, listening to music and noding. Oh yeah, and M$ decided that I'm worth having on the Windows Whistler beta, which means I'm due for a 3ft stack of beta discs in the coming months.

Today, I find myself thinking about her. It was a year ago today she was in New York, and I cried to myself alone at night. Because I knew her distance from me wasn't just geographical. I collapsed upon myself, totally alone, and no one to talk to. I wrote to myself, about her, pages and pages... endless thoughts. The end of that day:

''i need her to exist, to stay alive. to have reason. to stay sane. but she doesn't need or want me. no one does. my god, no one does. do you know what it's like to have no one? do you know what it's like to love someone so deeply and have none of it returned? the utter SUFFERING cannot be related in the written word.

how can i relate to you my anguish? how can i? it's virtually impossible. to have the person you love more than anything feel nothing. YOU cannot understand. if i am reading this many years from now and laughing at myself, then i want you to remember, david, i want you to remember how you lived for this girl. how looking from inside the box, the world was so bleak.

david, don't ever forget the pain.''

I haven't, and I never will.

I'm considering perhaps starting a personal log as well as an occasional (maybe even daily) entry here. I'm not that interesting of a person, so I don't know if it will be worth writing anything on a daily basis, but I'll give it a try. Maybe if I know that I'll have to write about my life when I get home, I'll force myself to do more interesting things.

I woke up at about 11:00 this morning, and decided that I was finally going to jot down in a personal file, the imagery that had been going through my mind since a few co-workers and I went to lunch at a strip club on Friday.

After spending about two hours writing about what was on my mind, I noticed a node in the Cool User Picks! section which related to what I had just wrote, so I debated putting my personal thoughts into that node. I went ahead and copied numerous portions, but hesitated to copy the whole thing as it was (maybe I will later). (Heck I'm even wondering if I should continue this writeup or just wipe it and forget about making my personal thoughts public).

Maybe not. I'll give this a try.

I think that maybe I might sound pathetic being somewhat obsessed with my experience with an exotic dancer, but I shouldn't feel wrong to express what is really going on in my mind. So I haven't had much real-life sexual imagery to work with, and it sort of shocked my system. So I decided to get it out and put it into words. Since I find that it is unlikely that I would be outcast for expressing these thoughts, I don't really feel much risk putting them out here. People are probably getting used to this weird psychological crap anyways with all of these "real life" shows they are putting on TV nowadays.

*sigh*

Ok, I sound kind of goofy. Anyway, I will get back to what happened today.

Not much else was interesting. I finally got out of my dark apartment and into some sunlight at around 2:30. I had a few things to do that would require going outside. I planned my trip ahead of time, but knew that I would forget something. I planned to put all of what I needed to do into my palm pilot, but then I even forgot to do that. *bah*

I went to get a haircut, but was told it was an hour wait. I asked them to put me down and I would return. I wasn't sure what I would do for an hour, so I started to drive around.

Perhaps today is/was a day of change for me. I've been meaning to lose some weight, so I decided to go down to the nearby gym and get a membership. I went inside, the nice lady showed me around and signed me up. It was about $110 to get started, and will be about $45/mo. I rationalize to myself that maybe if I'm spending the money that I'll finally force myself to excercise. I'm about 5'10" and weight about 240lbs, so I'm about 60lbs overweight.

After completing the forms and payment, it was time to get back to my haircut. I went back there but still had to wait. While I waited, I practiced memorizing some kanji on my palm pilot. When it was my turn, I talked with the hairdresser about the Internet and she asked me what my screen name was. I told her that I don't really do much socializing on the net, let alone meeting people. She said that she has met people over the net and that it has gone ok. I'm sort of hesitant to meet people online, since I don't really hang out anywhere long enough to get to know anyone. We continue talking about computer stuff until I'm done, I pay her $12 and tip her $3. (25% is fairly generous, right?)

Next I make a run for some food. I have a favorite chinese restaruant west of town, so I have to drive about 10 miles to get there. I have a few other places to stop, but I prefer chinese food to be softer, so I usually pick it up partway through my stops, giving the food a bit more time to cook in it's own heat.

I make my last stop at Wal-Mart to pick up some cheap t-shirts (i seem to be running out of them) and some cheap sunglasses. I left my last pair in a rental car, just before they sent it back to whoever they leased it from.

I hate to shop at Wal-Mart becuase of their general mega-corporate status, but I have been looking all around for cheap polarized sunglasses that will fit over my existing glasses, and couldn't find them. I bought my previous pair there a few years ago, so I knew they had them. Besides, the other stores were closing (it's Sunday) so I couldn't really look around much more. I hate Sunday.

Anyway, I headed home next, enjoying the darkness as the sun had set well below the horizon. I watched some TV then popped in here to see how my new unusual writeup was going. It had moved up, but I was just happy that it was a positive number, and nobody had /msg'ed me that I suck.

I figured that I must not be doing too bad, sharing my thoughts with everyone; so I figure maybe I should try this daylog thing. I'm probably a bit too verbose here today, so I hope I haven't rambled on too much. If you have any thoughts on how I could improve my style, feel free to /msg me. Thanks for reading this far. I hope I didn't bore anyone too much.

Hmm.. still time to go watch a movie. Maybe this day isn't over yet.

---

I went out with the intention to watch Charlie's Angels (Drew Barrymore is so cute), but even at 10:30 sunday night, there was a line. Almost everyone ahead of me went to see this movie, and I didn't really feel like being packed in (perhaps due a bit of a social anxiety disorder), so I went to see Meet the Parents instead. I am quite happy with my choice, as I probably would not have seen it otherwise. Anyway, if I stay up much later, I'm going to have to start noding in November 6, 2000, so I go sleep now.

It's the anniversary of British Parliament not being blown up! (Really!) It's Guy Faux (I'm sure I'm misspelling that, but don't remember the correct spelling) day!

Remember remember the fifth of november!

It's nothing new. I feel like I can't breathe, and in some ways I can't stand it, but in others I'm loving it. Too many people, and too many fears, and too many thoughts. Everything I want to talk about, everyone I want to give words to, they're here now. And my words are stuck, and I can't pull them out, and I can't write.

I wish I had the courage to. I keep trying to say something and it's stuck and it won't come out. It's a struggle just to write a damn daylog. My hands are clenching. And my throat hurts. Dammit.

I had an anxiety attack last night. I started getting pretty awful anxiety attacks a few years ago, where my chest would hurt and I thought I was having a heart attack or something. But I've been able to control them. I've always had this horrible problem with anxiety, where it used to be difficult to even walk through a crowd of people. But I had one last night, and it wasn't fun.

Been avoiding things. Not really. Just been enjoying not doing anything. It's not that I haven't been doing things. I don't even know. Because I can't talk about it.

Ever just get in a non-productive mood? When you'd like to get something done in this spare time, but just don't feel like it at all? Somehow this is intimately related to limbo and purgatory. I'm convinced.

This message was waiting for me in the chatterbox today. I'm glad it's not just me.

My roommate and I had a party last night. With a few small wrinkles, thing went really damn well. Everybody who came said they had a good time, and we're already planning the next time.

I hadn't considered some things when inviting people, though. It was rather odd to realize that I was in a room with four of my exes at the same time. And while I might move in a very wide variety of social circles, they don't always mix well.

I invited a guy I've been interested in for quite a while. He claimed, at least, that the interest was mutual. But last night he spent all of his time focusing on other people. Ah well.

My ex, whom I've talked about before came to the party. As always, it was nice to see him. I just wish I could make up my mind. Sometimes I'm ok with the fact that we're not together any more, and sometimes, especially when we're alone together, I miss him more than ever. Help?

---

A few issues in my life are coming to a head. I'm up for an important promotion at work, and I find out tomorrow. For me, this will settle wether or not Voyager is worth staying with. The tech support department has turned into a scheming, back-stabbing, kiss-ass hellhole, and so far I've been willing to wait it out. I don't know how much longer I can take it, though.

---

Gay men have a rather deserved reputation for being shallow body Nazis. Even the "good guys", such as bears and chub chasers, tend to be just as shallow, they just have different yardsticks and requirements.

I've never been entirely comfortable in "gay culture", which seems to be on the same level as bacteria sometimes. For most gay men I'm "too fat", and I'm "too skinny" for a lot of chub chasers. I'm stuck in the middle. So, I'm at the crux of a choice. Do I:

• A. Accept my body as it is, and expect others to do the same, or:


• B. Start working out, lose some weight, and be more realistic, and perhaps acknowledge the inevitable?

I'll probably be noding more about this stuff as events warrant.

Safe dreams, everybody and Everything.

It is surreal. I am across the table from one of my first loves. I was 14 when I loved him. Then I thought I was so old, but six years have passed and now I feel so young. He has changed. The intensity that was in his eyes at age 16 has waned. I see a serenity and a peace in his gaze that I had never known before.

This is the boy who was forced to see a shrink because he put a knife in his arm. Now he is the man pursuing a doctorate in psychology, and who saved a patient from suicide two nights ago.

His girlfriend is beside him, and they are clearly the sort of couple who have built a home inside themselves, becoming complete without the world around them. Their stare holds meaning I cannot fathom. The touch of their hands is constant and electric.

I do not even know this man anymore, but it is still strange to see him in love with someone else.

My ex-lover, now one of my best friends is beside me. We slept in the same bed last night and I laid my head on his shoulder. He is comfortable. He is lovely, and feels a little bit like home.

The four of us talk about everything. Four random people with no connection except for a friendship spent six years ago. It is easier than I expected. When it is time to go we embrace, and the three of them exchange addresses on palm pilots like good yuppies.

My ex-lover and I leave them in a shop near Astor Place where they have found knickknacks that amuse them. The two of us go home to his apartment and I gather my things to go. He holds me and strokes my back. My ex-lover and I kiss goodbye on the lips and it makes me feel happy and full. But grounded. I know myself and I am not dreaming. What is not meant will not be, but for now I am so close, tied inside to another human being. The care in me swells.

Driving fast makes me relaxed and sends me to a place of pleasant waking dreaming. The sun setting over the northern Pennsylvania sky glows magenta. I am almost crying, staring at the beauty as the hills begin to rain with violet and blue and the clouds grow laced with threads of crimson. Night descends and the sky is full before me.

The road leads me home. Sleep is in my eyes and I let the work I have neglected slide to bask in this happiness and this intensity in my chest. My journal fills with pages and pages and pages of lilting scrawl as I try to explain to myself all that has happened and the million things I feel this weekend.

Of the million things I feel, I feel alive.

Compared to my typical Sunday, November 5, 2000 was eventful.

I woke up at about 10, showered and skipped over to the ENS to remove my old hard disk drive. I was meeting Winnie at 11:45 so at 11:44 I ran out ENS towards 26th. Squirrels are very common at the University of Texas. Like birds avoiding cars, they seem intelligent enough to avoid collisions. Well, I must have met a squirrel with a hang-over. It saw me coming at a fairly good pace and moved under a park bench. Then at the last second it ran back towards my path. I gave it way to much credit and assumed it would either hurry in front of me or retreat to the bench. Instead it panicked and went under my foot! I was pretty scared and turned around hoping to see it terrified but okay. I was not prepared to see a squirrels body in spasms caused by an obviously fatally damaged nervous system. It's body flapped around for about 5 seconds before finding peace. Shocked I could do nothing except continue on.

The build of Winnie's computer went off with few problems. She was unexpectantly called into work for a couple hours but the wireless network had been established so I just chilled with her machine. She is getting internet access via a cable modem in a nearby apartment. Her computer is connected to the apartment by a Lucent IEEE 802.11 wireless network card that transfers up to 600kB/s with a respectable 2ms ping time.

The ride back to campus provided Winnie's dose of shock for the day. It was raining, the roads were slick, she only had one headlight. We were taking an exit with a sharp 270 degree turn when we went into an over-steering 180 degree spin. The car didn't even hit the curb but we were left facing the wrong direction. Once we got to campus I invited her in to calm down before going home. She received the treat of seeing my room at its lowest point of cleanliness of the entire semester. Her trip back was thankfully uneventful.