November 26, 2000

I returned to the Frozen North today. When I entered the living room I found Taka, the mildly crazy Japanese student, on the sofa doing poor and disturbing imitations of Al Pachino. He's been digging through my videos again.

The Germans are still in the city, and I suspect they'll be back sometime tonight with beer and munchies in tow.

On the way up I listened to a scientist who said that all the matter required for life is currently being spewed out into space by stars on the verge of collapse. Another said that we are very lucky to be on this planet.

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Soon come, mon... Soon come.

Left on Wednesday morning on a trip to Philadelphia to see the family for Thanksgiving - just like every other fucking family on the face of the planet... Busy. Only slightly...

Waffle house, late, flight - Delta, beautiful sky, people-ants, Atlanta - w00t! f00d!, Wired magazine sucks these days... sleep........

Philadelphia at last. South street, picked up an old Massive Attack album, one phat philly cheese steak at Jim's Steak, urban awe...

Thanksgiving, f0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0od - too much. Family I haven't seen in years. "Oh, he's so tall!" riiight. I miss my DSL, damnit. Wonder if my server is still up? Hah, won't know for awhile...

So I'm writing from the house of some good old family friends... w00t! I'm connected at last, if even for a short time. It's cool...

I wonder if she thinks about me? God, I'm a hopeless romantic, with emphasis on the hopeless, no matter what I say or do. Oh well... She prolly doesn't care. Oh well... Can't do anything from here. We'll see.

We'll see.

Sunday night, 19:38

What a delicious sleep I had last night. Almost narcotic in it's warm oblivion, I drifted lazily until amost 10am, hours later than 99% of my mornings.

Lazy day, lots of browsing e2. Designed a basic intranet system for my new best friends at the Internet Industry Association. Drove to the Red Hill lookout with Gemma and Molly, enjoyed a single glass of Wold Blass Sauvignon Blanc.

Home via the markets, goodies for dinner. My tummy is now full of a nice baked pasta dish, based on smoked Rainbow Trout, King Island smoked cheese, green peas, capers, sour cream and black pepper. I served it, hot and crusty, with a salad of chilled blanched asparagus, ripe tomatoes, creamy but firm wedges of avocado, dressed with Modena balsamic vinegar and black sesame seeds. Simple food, felt European for a change.

So, avoiding the main theme of a regular Sunday night for me, I am hesitant and wishing against my need to go to Sydney's head office tomorrow morning. Not many more of these Sunday nights, I think.... TBC...

Sunday has arrived and so ends the holiday weekend.

It's a funny feeling. Too much family time can give one a headache whenever a holiday such as Thanksgiving rolls around. All those little things that you don't much notice about your family members when you see them on an individual basis suddenly become unbelievable, massive, pulsating, festering, insanity-causing flaws when seen in the presence of a room full of people.

I've winced in pain and embarrassment more than a few times in the past couple of days.

At any rate, he visited me for the weekend. Drove twelve hours to get here. It's been one of the major things I've been looking forward to for weeks; that thing that made the days spent at work go just a little faster. We spent all three days together. He showed me around the campus where he went to college, we shopped, saw movies, hung out with my friends, ate Ben and Jerry's ice cream, wrestled.

This morning it came time for him to go, and I watched from the front door as he packed his things into his car in the early morning mist.

And it's weird. Things feel thankfully normal again, but something else feels like it's missing. This dichotomy is a confusing thing. I'm not sure what it means, I can't explain this ripple in my stomach contrasted with the lack of tears and sadness at his departure. Maybe it's just too much at once, maybe I'm too used to being alone.

Or maybe things are just back to the way they're supposed to be.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME !

Today I celebrate my 24th birthday. I will be leaving for my folks house soon, probably gonna spend the day with them. They live for birthdays, especially mine.
This has been a very exciting 4 day weekend for me. I had a party, found some old friends, enjoyed new friends, and had a birthday to boot. I only hope it stays this good.

Back about a week ago I would have killed any number of people I genuinely like for some decent time alone to do whatever I wanted to do. Then an odd turn of circumstances kept me at school for Thanksgiving instead of going home, and now I've seen almost no one but my housemate for five days and I'm so sick of myself I could scream.

I've been thinking too much.

My parents came to visit yesterday, which is the one exception to my week of isolation, though somehow they don't quite count as people. The affair was surprisingly painless, with the exception of the one or two jabs my dad made at the fact that my life is going nowhere. We actually laughed and talked.

I miss my mommy. It was good to see her.

But other than that it's been a virtual black hole, and I think that was a good thing, but I'm ready for people again. I sorted a lot of stuff out and I'm thinking more clearly than I have in a long time. Though now what I'd give for a vacation where I didn't have to see myself at all. I spent a little too much time looking at the less pretty parts that have fractured, and trying to put them back where they go.

I've talked myself down quite a bit. I looked at the things that have been bothering me and I found some good, I think. I wrote a lot. I painted. I emailed some friends that I miss very dearly from this past summer. I finished absolutely nothing that I was supposed to for school. But then I guess there's still all of today for that. I slept. As much and as long as I liked. Wow did that feel fantastic. I even cooked last night. Mmmm, broccoli stir-fry. Haven't had that in ages.

"So I guess all is well," I say, in a resigned sort of way. There are still a lot of things unresolved. I don't know what's to become of me. But I stepped back. I looked. And maybe it's not that bad. Maybe distance is helping. Maybe I'll be over him soon. Maybe I have a future. Maybe my dad loves me in spite of all the shit he throws at me. Maybe physics isn't all that bad, and I can get through the two more courses I need to take. Maybe painting and writing were exactly what I was looking for all along, only I need to live a bit too to find things to paint and write about.

I'm not counting on any of these. But hey. There's always maybe.

Woke up at 1:00 today after tripping for the first time in, I dunno, a year and a half. (Sorry if that denotes irresponsiblity, frankly, I don't care.)I was at my friend Beef's house and it was him, Ficus and me, talking smack and playing with Ficus' new drum kit. Picked up the stuff at a friends party, lot of hippies there. No, seriously, they had the monopoly on tie-dye last night. I wasn't expecting it, it was a gift from the boys, and they didn't want to tell me because of my jinx.

In the past, if I know of the potential I have on any given night to get my hands on some trip, I jinx myself by wanting it too badly. SO it was a pleasant surprise.

This is an attempt to catalogue the thoughts and discussions we had last night.

New Breed of Human with No Saliva.
"I am not a black man, and you know what I mean when I say that."
The Proper Pronunciation of the Word 'Butthole'
Everything is not Everything if pieces of Everything are so often deleted.
The Perfect Lollipop

But it felt good, even though I kept really thinking about the last time I did this. Three day countdown 'til we move to Florida. And last night, I began to feel like one of the boys again.

It's been a wee while. Because I had a busy week, I guess.. (and apologies for the non-standard daylog format...)

• last Friday - thought I'd be working all weekend. Worked on some Schuh web pages till 2am.
• last Saturday - work, 10 till 6, PC World in East Kilbride. Got in late due to a rear view mirror incident. Then worked on more Schuh stuff till 4am, after recieving an email to let me know I woudln't be working the next day.
• last Sunday - spent from about 4pm till 2am on an Art School project, and got to bed at 3-ish.
• Monday - project hand in, did some Mechanics work, up till 1 doing some more Schuh web pages in Flash.
• Tuesday - went climbing in the afternoon with a few friends from my course, and as a result got completely knackered. I was asleep by 11...
• Wednesday - got a chance to be lazy in the afternoon, and got a chance to sleep lots, due to Thursday being the only day of the week I don't have a 9am class.
• Thursday - labs till just before 5, and they were mind-numbingly boring. Went to GUST afterwards, and tried out the CapGen and worked the sound board. Now there are only three things I've not tried - VT, directing a show, and presenting. Directing sounds like a big responsibility, I'm not quite confident enough for that yet, and there's no way I'll get in front of a camera.. :o)
• Friday - classes in the morning, then I went into town to get paid for all the web work I did. And then back to uni, to meet some friends in the guu. I was in there from about 5 till 9, helping to get some Guinness inflatable chairs - free with every ten pints :)
  Geoff eventually sent me home, apparently I was staggering quite a bit. Quite kind of him, really, since I'd have probably embarrased myself, or been unable to geet back to the glasgow underground..
• Saturday - Work, again, at pc world East Kilbride again. Another quiet day, too. Got home to find that store is one of the nine that is unlikely require further services of Apple reps, meaning I'm out of a job, and out of £760 in earnings between now and the end of the year. This sucks.
• and back to today - nothing much happened, really. Bah.

I'm finding that my sleeping patterns are horribly repetitive, I woke up at 11:30 again this morning. I was supposed to be at work at 11:00. Ah, screw em. I work at McDonald's, there's not much they can do but give me a write-up. They are not going to ever fire me, because I know everything. Working at McDonald's, this doesn't say much, so I'm not being an arrogant bitch.

I show up at work late and pretend like I thought I was supposed to be there at 12:00. He was there already, and he smiled at me. It was his last day today. We've been working together since March and it's been wonderful, at least until she started working there. I acknowledged him back, and he shouted "Hey, I tried to call you this morning." He never calls me, well not anymore. I suppose I lost that privilege when I stopped being his girlfriend.

I decided to be nice today, so when he asked me to let him borrow my car on his break, I let him. He doesn't have a license. He said he had to get some thing at his house, but he was probably fucking his girlfriend. On my break, I got to do math homework. Nothing like splitting up your shift at McDonald's with some calculus. Well, it's better than eating the food there.

I also got to make cheeseburgers today, which brightened up my day a bit. At least until she showed up. I hate working with them both, it's torturous, but then I realized that I'll never have to do it again. I think she got even uglier than the last time I saw her, if possible. I yelled obscenities about her in the grill area, but I don't think she heard me.

I left work with a smile on my face, wondering if I'll get any action from him tonight. It's been over a week. And he's had this girlfriend for almost two months now...

01:34 GMT

Today seemed even more uneventful than yesterday. I woke up 2 minutes before my alarm clock went off. It's really strange how that happens. I set it just so that I would make sure not to sleep into the afternoon, not that it mattered anyway since I didn't do much.

I burned a CD with a good collection of the songs I currently like most. I didn't like a few songs that were on the old CD anyway. The new CD has the following songs:

• Creed - Higher
• Fuel - Hemorrhage (In My Hands)
• Godsmack - Keep Away
• Godsmack - Voodoo
• Godsmack - Whatever
• Godsmack - Awake
• Kid Rock - American Badass
• Lifehouse - Hanging By A Moment
• Limp Bizkit - Rollin'
• Orgy - Fiction (Dreams In Digital)
• Papa Roach - Broken Home
• Papa Roach - Last Resort
• Powerman 5000 - When Worlds Collide
• Rage Against the Machine - Renegades of Funk
• Rage Against The Machine - Testify
• Semisonic - Closing Time
• The Offspring - Original Prankster
• Three Doors Down - Kryptonite

Semisonic - Closing Time is my current favorite. It's much easier to play music in the car when you put all of your songs on one CD. I'm just glad that the CD player in my car is able to read the CD-Rs.

I went to the gym at about 4pm and spent a good hour there, probably my best workout since last saturday. I'll probably be a bit sore tomorrow.

I got a reply to one of my personal ads; the entire contents of the message was "Hey i like your profile email me sometime." Usually people who reply at least say something about themselves :)

It looks like Florida is giving in to Bush. I really don't care anymore at this point. If Bush won, then that kind of sucks, but at least the people know the popular vote went to Gore and that means the conservatives will be walking on eggshells. If Gore won, then we will have a balance between the president and congress, but I have to hear all of the conservative rhetoric for at least another four years. Either way I lose. Either way I win. I don't care anymore. I wanted to vote for Nader but it was too close.

For now, I'm going to go get the bills written out and then I think I'll watch one of my DVDs that I haven't opened yet.

---

05:58 GMT

I paid the bills, but I didn't watch a movie though. I updated my bio on my website, had a snack, browsed slashdot, downloaded some bluebird pictures, and brushed/flossed my teeth.

I need to remember tomorrow to do a few things:

• Stop by FAU and complete my forms
• Get new car insurance
• Make dentist appointment
• Mail off my bills

Time for sleep now. Goodnight.

so.

an uneventful weekend at home, thanks to the benevolent university giving us a holiday off. Got to see some old friends, dig up some skeletons while going through my old stuff, and all the other wonderfully normal events that happen back in beautiful Suburbia, Michigan.

re-wrote the homenode in a moment of weakness; in an effort to become more like the other e2-ers who actually share part of themselves in their homenode. i feel like my personality doesn't really come off very well in it. still doesn't, but at least it's meaningful.

last night saw the beautiful but disturbing Requiem for a Dream. it's like staring at a car accident on the side of the road. you just can't take your eyes off of it. i'm telling you, they should show these movies to the high school kids; that'll be an effective anti-drug message, rather than have a cop talk to them.

now i'm in the process of struggling with my latest data structures project. will the insanity never cease?

Ack! Barf! Hack!

I have just taken my daily birth control pill, and inadvertently chewed it up, causing me to become precariously close to vomiting. The pill makes me nauseous to begin with, so I generally take it before bed, less time awake means less time for my stomach to revolt against the hormones.

Tonight, however, the pill is wet white gack on my molars. I will try not to vomit as best I can.

Five Things I am Thankful For Today:

-slow days at work, full of nodin' & readin'
-prompt editorial advice (from Tem42 and Demeter)
-caffeine free Dr. Pepper
-Jacque at work, who sings off key to Christmas carols that she doesn't know the words to - She's hilarious.
-coupon clipping in the Sunday paper


I have addressed and written just under half of my Christmas cards, including one for Rancid_Pickle. My cards this year feature a pooping dog- better seen than explained. If you want one, /msg me with your address, or direct me to your homenode. My hands are tired from writing in longhand, and my body craves sleep. My eyes are pinking up with lust for the featherbed, and the alarm clock beckons for me to set it for 0430 am. I hear and obey.

The weekend was great; today was strange.

Ben was over this weekend. He was sweet the entire time; we didn't fight at all. We went to this wonderful Italian restaurant. Ben took forever eating his pasta, each chew an eternity. I don't mind. It feels great to be in love. Today I started reading to him about Japan and he suddenly burst into tears. Sometimes I don't even want to go. I noticed today that I missed the deadline for Law School in Ontario; maybe I'll try BC or Quebec instead. I have to do a lot more research on it. If it is anything like this bullshit Business School, screw it.

I met two groups today. One group simply couldn't follow logic. They could not understand that sometimes you can use two frameworks on one problem. They didn't even know what mutually exclusive meant! AH! Get me out of here!!! Then Mike appeared. He was rightfully angry at me. I missed a meeting this morning because I thought it was Friday for some reason. Everyone is getting all 'survival of the fittest' now. I wanna go home Just 6 more months and I will be free. After reading this, I realize that I gotta calm down and focus on what is important. Whatever happens, I still have Ben. He is the constant. I know he will never fuck off like everyone else seems to.

Two of us making less eye contact than usual, trying not to bounce off one another in the too small kitchen space. Today it is take-out, too salty with sneaky little green peppers that taste like heartburn and off tasting black circles straight from a can.

Our toddler comes to tell us, “I made a big mess.” What now? Water? Chalk? Sticky things? Today I found her sitting in the wicker laundry hamper, eating gum purloined from my pockets (where she also found my drivers license and keys, going somewhere?)

While bored and needing to work with my hands today I ripped the wire from my notebook and bent it into the shape of a person with a dog. I was compelled by the companionship one gets from a dog and found I could convey with wire the thing I could not say in ink.

There was a time before the children came when I wanted to be needed the way I am now. Most days I still feel that way. Then there are days like today when my head feels too tight and I need to haul out the paints and brushes and sharp tools and make something, and being needed stretches me out in all directions and there isn’t much left for creative endeavor. All day long it’s get my juice how bout some chocka milk I want my shoes on stay here go away sweep this where’s my guys feed the baby I want my Horton cup make dinner… I can not hear my thoughts. I lose my dream details at the breakfast table. I long for a quiet place to stick my head.