July 29, 2016

Lately, I have been approaching this space when I have the time but not the spark to make something beyond the declarative.

I think that today was my father's birthday but I cannot be sure anymore because he always made a point of celebrating it by not celebrating it and the one person I can ask right now is sleeping and if I bothered her when she was awake, it would stir things which do not necessarily need to be acknowledged.

On the ride home from work I remembered how to count backwards, which led me to realizing that my month of conception was July. I have been repeating myself often. Two days ago a wad of chicken wire became tangled in my rear spoke around the same spot of the same road where the same thing had happened the previous summer, after I had purchased a cold drink from the same location after refusing to purchase a cold drink from the same different location for the same reason. I think that this time I handled things a little bit better, but I cannot be too sure. There are many things I am thankful for now, physical pain being one. Dismissing the sense of urgency by way of agency. Offering the reins and deciding to not decide.

Learning how to say when before stopping becomes imperative.

The sound of your voice echoed in a series of gentle reverberations, leading me to a new sense of erewhon.

Something read, something said, something knew.

Ministering the two couples caught him by surprise as he found new reason to step outside of himself. The old man turned and with a shout observed that his admirer almost "married himself" up there.

The danger of appearing to see appearances as dangerous.

Your first reflex was always the correct response. As much a pulling as a push, it led me back to you in turns the subject objects where sense defers. The only way was to let it happen. To relax the desire and dance.

Saw my surgeon for my 3-month followup visit. She says I'm doing great. She also confirms what I've observed empirically, namely that the rate of weight loss should be slowing down dramatically around now. When I asked her why that happens, she explained that beyond a certain body fat percentage, rapid weight loss starts negatively affecting the immune system and core body functions, and the body starts to resist it. She reassured me that this is normal, that what is happening is that my body has switched from just burning and flushing fat to using it to maintain my musculature, which is the beginnings of 'starvation mode' but not in a bad way. Because I'm taking vitamin supplements, the usual negatives of privation are not a factor, so I don't have to worry about weird metabolic freakouts and potassium levels causing heart problems (which is how most starvation victims die, when their potassium levels deplete far enough the heart can't function).

They took blood panels to be sure. I've been pronounced in excellent health, with the slight exception of elevated uric acid levels which I already knew about, since I've been having a really severe gout attack over the past two weeks. Last time I saw her my surgeon had opined that she didn't think I could eat enough red meat to trigger one of those anymore, and I promptly proved her wrong. I'm not too annoyed, though, this isn't a new issue, it's just something the surgery 'didn't fix' - but it was not likely to fix it in any case, and I'd adapted to it fine. I haven't had an attack in nearly a year, because I had trained myself not to eat trigger foods, and I'd gone overboard deliberately to see if it was still a factor. Well, ouch.

Other than that, I'm now cleared to travel outside New York City (hooray!) and even to resume eating vegetables in severe moderation. Now that my stomach is entirely healed, and now that the weight loss has slowed, eating vegetables is one way to keep my calorie intake lower as well as to increase trace nutrient intakes. I still need to avoid carbs, so most fruits are still a bad idea, but I'm actually excited to start eating cukes and broccoli and non-starchy vegetables. Even spinach salads, apparently, which are the best of a really watery bad lot of not-very-nutritional options (salads, which are either usually mostly water or just receptacles for the tons of dressing/bacon/meat/egg other unhealthy stuff you put on them to make them taste better).

I've lost 69 lbs since the pre-surgery diet started. I've lost 99 lbs from my peak weight of a couple years ago. By those metrics, the surgery is already a success.

I plan on losing at least another 40 lbs, and I'd like to get below 200 lbs even if only for a New York Minute. Just to see the number. My surgeon says that this is likely to happen over the next year, especially if I start exercising again and keep eating properly as I have been (I've never been praised for my eating habits before).

A couple of nights ago I saw a college roommate I haven't seen in 15 years. I hadn't realized how much I'd missed him until I saw him. I also was jealous as hell of the fact that he basically looks like he's 35. But anyway. Three of us classmates met up for dinner. One of us sent around the pics we took of the three of us and...holy shit, I'm an *entirely different shape*. I guess taking pics of myself in the mirror just doesn't show the difference, but, uh, yeah, I'm smaller. Well, narrower. Noticeably.

Amazing.

Weight: 262

Just typed in 2009 for the date if that gives you any indication of how well my mind is working tonight. Typically I am an early riser, but this morning I woke up five minutes before I needed to leave for work. By some miracle and the fastest shower I've taken since I had to shower in my neigbor's fifty-eight degree bathroom when our well went out I was able to punch in on time. I was very tired at work and thankful that my boss wasn't there. I love her, but the other women I work with don't get as much done as she does so I didn't have as much to do as I normally would have. Another way to say this is we left a lot of work for other people, but I think that will change as new people come into our department and others leave it.

One of the women I work with came into the store with her daughter. I'm not sure what is going on with her, I think she may be very insecure since she tries to assert herself when there's no reason, I was relieved I didn't have to work with her today and it doesn't look like I'll be seeing her tomorrow either. After I got off I bought a few groceries and sat outside eating. A cashier I hadn't met before was super nice when I was checking out, the woman who bagged my groceries is a total sweetheart, my discount card wasn't working for some unknown reason, I'll have to ask HR to investigate that mystery, but I was given the discount anyways even though it was extra work for the busy cashiers.

After work I drove to the mall intending to buy some three quarter length shirts I can wear to work. Instead of stopping there I bought myself a new wardrode from the skin out. I don't do that very often, I'm very pleased with my purchases despite the price. Our store is an interesting mix of demographics, hippies and hipsters brush shoulders with the wealthier patrons and middle aged moms who are trying to stretch their organic grocery dollars. Unlike many other grocery stores in the area where the employees are all the same homogenized color we have a better mix of races and ethnicities. Another nice thing is the number of women working as members of management and how the men in charge treat those women.

My department will be acquiring a man on Monday. He's coming over from the deli department, I had a chance to talk to him in the breakroom last night. He's into gathering his own herbs, tea, and various Eastern religions. He doesn't know as much about the supplements and vitamins, but I explained that each of us has our niche and his knowledge will be welcome. Today I bought two pairs of yoga pants and don't fall over dead or anything, but I did a few minutes of a yoga DVD I've had for ages and used to really enjoy. I didn't finish the entire thing, I probably could have, but I wimped out. I'm still encouraged that I did a couple of minutes, I also took an extremely short walk which was nice since the weather was gorgeous.

A friend of mine gave me some very welcome feedback. Another friend of mine was supportive in another way. I have to work at 8:00 tomorrow morning, I think the same girl I worked with yesterday will be in with me again which is okay, except she's so chatty that I'm amazed any work gets done. It's great that she has many friends at work, but people need to understand that work comes before chit chatting with friends. I'm trying not to be a total hard ass right away, but it's really frustrating to see people standing around when there's piles of products cluttering up the desk and stacks of papers that need to be dealt with laying around. Customers have to navigate around our cart and it's easy to steal expensive products that are just laying out in plain sight.

I decided to stop keeping the food diary for now. It's just too stressful when I'm starting a new job. I'll go back to it at a later point in time. I think next time I'll either find different questions or come up with a list of my own. I requested information on an apartment I could potentially rent that is very close to where the girls live when they're not with me. Hopefully it isn't next to smokers and no cats have ever lived there. The location is nice, very centrally located and not far from the freeway, would cut down my drive time to work if I live there which would really help me out, especially as winter nears. I'm really excited. I feel like I'm on the right track and headed in the right direction. This is a very welcome change, thanks to all who have supported me during my journey. 

Modified food diary:

Skipped breakfast due to late wakening. Ate a bunch of samples at work - Vitamin C, D, and a joint supplment chew.

Strange lunch which I ate outside on one of the patio tables. Some jicama slices, a peach from another employee, a gluten free lemon tart that should have been two servings - I ate the whole thing along with some cookies and kombucha. 

Supper was also bizarre. I ate the rest of the box of cookies and some other stuff, I can't remember exactly what. Just finished more jicama, some melon, and some chicken. Figured I should get some protein and at least one somewhat normal meal in my system today. Going to be buying some digestive enzymes and a couple of other products at work. Better health will be mine. I just need to get over this crazy emotional eating and prepare better. Energy was low in the morning, unsurprising after the junk I ate last night, things will improve going forward. Working there is going to be very good for my overall health and wellbeing. Super excited about this new opportunity.