Let me tell you why I went to the police.
I was walking out of the motel room where I was getting it on with two men at the same time. I was on my way to get some ice from the ice machine in a place that still has those rusty metal ice refrigerators out in the middle of the night. Painful. Rectal. And I heard from one of the rooms I was passing the words: "Stop! You suck cock like a five-year-old."
Now, I was deeply concerned. The first concern was not with the fact that a cock was apparently being sucked in this motel room. After all, I was getting it on with two men just three rooms away, so who was I to judge? No, my concern was with how some dude know what a five-year-old, you know, does that sort of thing. It is just wrong to even consider, so I called the police. I wonder how Sting and those other fellas in The Police feel about police reform and so forth? If there is police reform, do The Police go on tour again? That would be crazy. We should do it. Make some calls. Make them to whoever.
I told the police on the phone what I had heard. He said that the motel I was staying at was infamous for unsavory sexual activity (needs to be noded). This wasn't the problem, I told him. The problem was with what the man said. This policeman laughs at me on the phone and tells me to "get over it." So, I marched over to the door of the motel room where I had heard the utterance and started banging on the door.
There were two old people in there. They had to be in their eighties. I got totally grossed out imagining this eighty-year-old lady going down on this eighty-year-old guy, and I ended up throwing up. I got out of there real quick.
As I got back to my motel room and had a round two with my two men before sending them home, I thought about the situation five rooms away. If this guy was eighty, he'd had many years to experience this experience he was talking loudly about. I didn't know what the statute of limitations was on this sort of thing, but I wanted him busted. I wanted him in jail before sundown (the time when the sun goes down, thus the reversal phrasing to form the norminate English noun form).
I went to the police station and filled out report after report. Eventually, a lady came in. She was brought in from the outside. She brought me into a back room and start hitting me with her fists. She hit me hard in the face, knocking a tooth out. Then she hit me hard in the eye before punching me in the gut really hard and dropping me to the floor.
She kicked me in the ribs repeatedly, rolled me over and jumped on my knee, breaking it. Then she pulled my sneakers and socks off and went to work on my toes with a pair of pliers, breaking each one in two places as she worked her way down the line. I kept screaming. Cops looked in and just laughed.
She stood me up and gut punched me again before throwing me up against the wall. As I fell over, three officers came in and they took me out to a squad car. Then they drove me deep into the Maine woods and left me to die.
But I didn't. And I can't call the police. They are after me. I need your help. Come deep into the Maine woods. Deep, deep into the Maine woods. Look for me. I need your help.