I have been told that
I am going to go to hell more times than I care to count. How many times does a person need to be told this before they are
condemned to this fate? It is becoming more and more obvious to me that there is some sort of underground
Christian voting system that the world at large is unaware of.
Apparently
Yahweh himself has been removed from the mundane task of hand selecting people to go to hell and left it up to
elderly women and
hyper-type-A Born Again Christians to take this task over for
him. Now
he may accomplish other more important and pressing tasks, such as slowly pushing the western seaboard into the ocean.
The filth pit of sin (
L.A.) shall be
decimated and His faithful followers in the
bible belt shall finally have some
beach-front property -- all in one swift movement of
his hand!
Through some simple logic I have deduced a few things about how the
secret soul voting system works. I have decided it is a voting system for a few reasons. If it was still Yahweh's decision then I don't think these people would be so bold to
judge.
If it was something more along the lines of a
full power given to each of these earthly judges, than it would be more economical for them to take a militant
police/
judge/jury/executioner stance. I feel that rather than
proclaiming the condemneds fate aloud, it would be more effective simply to
pass sentenc and then
shoot the person in the face, thus removing their
filthy presence from the earth. This must not be how it works.
Though how it is tallied still
eludes me, I have come to the conclusion that each time a
fidgeting, twitching,
Born Again or
older woman screams your
spiritual doom in your face at the top of their lungs, you have
accrued a point against you. Once a certain number of these tallies have
scared your soul,
your fate is sealed. I still think it would be more apropos if they simply yelled,
"STEEEEEEE-RIKKKKKKKE WAAAAAAAN!" in your face, but this would be too obvious and most likely reveal the plot against our
eternal souls.
Man, now that I have figured all of this out I feel like
Salman Rushdie. I may now be
unofficially be marked for death by the Pope. heheh