Favorite Everything quotes

it is even more cute when, strung out on a double decker of crack and pcp, i wander the streets in my bunny ears trying to hatch cars by sitting atop them and eating rocks like candy - pukesick, Chatterbox[

i love america. what other country gives its working class such a variety of ways to exploit and degrade themselves to avoid starvation? not that being a stripper has to be degrading.. but being a stripper at a franchise? - prole, deja vu

don't lick the icicle you don't know where it's been!
- hoopy frood, Chatterbox

all icicles are alike. Lick one icicle, and you've licked them all
- hodgepodge, Chatterbox

If I wern't such a prudish virgin, I'd be one hell of a slut. - xunker, Chatterbox

I love minorities. With sour cream and chives. - CowboyNeal, #everything

The question is, are you going to regret having loved or not having loved? - Pseudo Intellectual, love is forever

There is something sad about candles that melt each other just by being too close. Why can't they cooperate? - jessicapierce, mind racing, a while back

But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade? - CowbotNeal, my new nonhuman crush

"It's only the murder suite if you think of it that way," said the director of housing. - nutate, #everything

I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more numbers!! -CowbotNeal, #e.

puking looks like waterfall. i mean sometimes it looks beautiful. - noumiso, Chatterbox

OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES? - CowbotNeal, #e

it's true! *sob* I've been nodestalking icicle for years, since before Everything existed, even! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! - hodgepodge

if you get a cookie from the makers of a sex survey, I recommend you don't eat it. - Pseudo Intellectual, Chatterbox

I'm not really into coffee anymore, but I make my tea with the sweat of the working man. - achan the capitalist pig, in #everything

Note: Upgrading to Girlfriend 2.0 without COMPLETELY uninstalling Girlfriend 1.0beta will cause your system to "hang" because of shared use of the Input/Output port"
- gregday, droppin' science in #everything

what? people are on irc naked and I missed it so I could watch some fucking movie about aliens? - achan, #e

all things are marmalade at some vibrational levels...even lies, but mostly puppies.
lawnjart, Chatterbox

dammit, my sister won't keep out of my cockporn! - aaronchan, # everything

analyzing or explaining humor is like analyzing a frog, you can do it but the frog tends to die in the process - KillerPenguin, Chatterbox

i hope that last writeup didn't make me look like a homophobe. now i'll never get a boyfriend! - achan, Chatterbox

it must be late. even the hookers have gone to bed. - GroundCtl, #everything

i wish i could live a faerie tale life, one of the 'happily ever after' ones, not one of the 'care to taste this dog?' ones. - jkfghldagv, #e

Wha? Not postmarked?? IT'S YOU--YOU'VE BEEN SENDING THEM! IT'S LIKE FIGHT CLUB! You're YOU! - the delicious dem bones, Chatterbox

that communist cunt sucks horse balls - DMan

my penis is just a phallic symbol, meant to compensate for my lack of a car - Jazeraint, #e

I'm simultaneously Unitarian, Jewish and Quaker. When I walk into a bar, there's no need for a punchline. - Sylvar, Chatterbox

all you need is a scalpel and a dream i say - nutate, in reference to me becoming a moyle

Torn skin being agitated by a moving penis isn't exactly a day at Disney Land, now is it? - moJoe, Virginity, my loss of

My head is a strange place. -- pukesick, courtesy the Everything Quote Server

well there was this guy and he was smoking and he taught a dog to smoke and the dog went around and bummed smokes off of people and the dog brought them back to the guy and they smoked and didnt care who saw 'em... - lawnjart, Chatterbox

it's amazing that those poor thin prom queens managed to wield two whips - one to flog themselves, one to punish the heathens. - prole, i'm not anorexic, but i'm working on it

If you can say one thing to one person today, make it: "I am really interested in your message". Good for what ails you. - ToasterLeavings, Chatterbox

"i'm going to bang you till the sun comes up!"
"no, you're going to eat me like the story says!" - proj2501, can't remember the context

my pee pee noder has shoulder length dark hair, possibly a goatee and may have been wearing a vest - witchiepoo, Chatterbox

"They were several orders of magnitude livelier than Spacemen 3, so I guess that counts for something."
- hatless on Galaxie 500

"I'd point out the grammatical problem, but frankly I suspect that pedantry will also get one fuck up by the Ghetto Style DJs."
- Sylvar, Unlawful duplication will get you fuck up by the Ghetto Style DJs

"Christianity is 'simple', but it's not user friendly, nor is it cool, nor was it meant to be popular."
- pingouin, Quickly, intellectually bludgeon your faith.

"There is a message here. Don't let a cat rule your life."
- sensei in the Chatterbox

"Damn ill-educated donkey-fuckers. Our Lord and Master Satan will destroy you all."
- Jet-Poop, Damn it, I'm a Satan Worshipper

"he knows how to massage the system. it's like watching picasso build an airplane."
- yossarian in the Chatterbox, observing a noder attempting to get his account unlocked by abusing Nate.

"You junkies. You filthy junkies with mechanics' hands. All you writers. You are dirty and take advantage. No common sense. All drugs and words and ink. And you buy no cake!"
--heyoka, odd characters: the bathroom cerberus

knifegirl was bitten by a radioactive ape which has given her the proportional strength, agility and odour of a monkey.
--hoopy frood, Everything Rumors

His right hand is very big and full of cheese and money! YES! words words words campo. Mother mary! Why are your organos? You asunto with a tronco of trees! SHIT!
--Spydr, el mano dereche de Nate

i was lying in bed on the verge of sleep listening to "Enjoying Sex - Female" and was afraid that if i went to sleep listening to the subliminal messages in those waves i'd wake up in the morning a raging cocksucker!
--thefez, Enjoying Sex - Female

"Missions are hard... and I have to do all this sex!"
--randir, La Blue Girl

Now there is blood and a fainted mother on the floor. This did not look right.
--Christy, as recounted by jessicapierce, NO BODY?

"Roasted just so"? Is this the politically correct thing to do to the fairer sex?
--pingouin, I like my Coffee the way I like my Women

Webster 1913's node count is so big. And he's been noding like a bunny for over an hour already, with no signs of fatigue. Meow.
--knifegirl, Everything women respond to Webster 1913

Plastic Man is nothing more than a damn silly pimp.
--rustyscrewdriver, Mr. Fantastic Vs. Plastic Man

I've been breaking wind for years, and I still gaze at my butt in wonder each and every time. I thought everyone did.
--dannye, funny things our pets do

Every time I pee, Jamcracker pees.
--jessicapierce, funny things our pets do

"Steady as she goes, Mister Sulu."
"Aye, chump."
"Excuse me?"
"Nothing, captain..."
--pingouin, Pingouin, you might be the coolest person I don't know.

Complimented a 6-year-old on the excellent pig she was drawing, when it was obviously supposed to be a flower.
--jessicapierce, Daily Evil - Monday, September 11th

"I am Captain Pink, and you better listen to your mother! Be good and avoid evil!"
--_Yup, Captain Pink

Your barroom style is strong, but my antiquated household appliance style is stronger!
--MacArthur Parker, Get off my lawn or I will grab that vacuum cleaner on your porch and set you on fire

"Wait a minute," exclaimed Ensign Redshirt, "I've got it! We're in a fanfic! And since Troi is in it, too... that means I'm gonna get laid!"
--Sylvar, Parable of the Next Generation

"So, Peter, Ma says you should come over sometime for a kugel."
--Quizro, Jesus undoubtedly said this or something very like it

...Lo and behold, there stood Mr. Rhino, happy as a lark, his penis dragging the ground.
--SueZVudu, Rhinoceros

I'm starting to get this image of the larval form of Jesus popping out of my chest and hissing at the terrified bystanders while I just writhe in agony on the floor, all Alien-like.
--dragoon, Have you let Jesus into your heart?

Jaypea is suffering for the sins of the multitude and blessing them with her schmozlenumyhoppiness.
--sensei, oh for crying out loud

They frolic and play all the day and night long. In the morning, Bubbles is pregnant.
--Kubla Khan, The Powerpuff Girls meet Pikachu and co.

"mummy mummy...I've been porned!"
--ToasterLeavings, the corruptive influence of pornography

So basically they put on a little mood lighting, crack open a few pumpkins, run the bath, pop in Debbie Does Dallas, shoot you with the ol' sex-memory-resurfacer-O-matic and lick your navel while drilling for oil with some massive 12 headed 550HP ion pulse vibrator of doom. Too complicated.
--moJoe, Alien Love Secrets!

I sat on a pebble for three weeks...I think. It sort of stuck to me so I'd walk for awhile and sit...you get the idea. It was a very small rock.
--dem bones, The many lives of dem bones

Nobody ever really gets hurt only because if I really picked up the Puck building and dropped it on moJoe's evil head, all those people taking the #1 bus uptown would be witnesses. We can't have witnesses.
--knifegirl, everyone vs. moJoe

So I thought to just completely screw with their heads, I left buying only two things: a family-size box of colossal-size condoms and a coloring book. Being a fifteen-year-old female, this got many interrogative looks.
--Citizen Aim, Things to Do at Walmart

And the entirety of knifegirl's writeup in knifegirl's scary, scary story makes me giggle like a ninny.

Let the record show that the representative from the Netherlands has just dissolved into a pile of magenta goo. I suggest everyone run for their lives.
--Gorgonzola, So much for the nodegel Standards Committee.

It's a dozen bites of the best charred cow anus you'll ever enjoy.
--dannye, Charred cow anus

A couple more nodes like this and I'll get my own column in USA Today.
--Uberfetus, Hillary Clinton's victory party

wehn all is said and dun, where does the day take you? huh? HUH? Where's the bathroom? DONDE ESTA LE BANOS? HUH?
--Chihuahua Grub, Don't Node Drunk

I was also known to say, to various four-year old females: "Hello, Maid Marion, would you like to come to the moon with me?"
--artfuldodger, Amusing childhood names for things

Fuddruckers (The restaraunt)= "Butt-fuckers" (No, I am not kidding)
--moJoe, Amusing childhood names for things

Do not piss off the Belgians, Sylvar. They'll invade your dreams with their freak Belgiish tongue and rename you Ceroux-Mousty or Neufchâteau.
--knifegirl, Editor Log: October 19, 2000

Once made, there are an amazing number of things I could do with a gigantic hush puppy. I could carve off the bottom and wear it as a hat. I could sell pieces of it on the street. I could carve it into a Jack O' Puppy. I could scream, "By the Power of Long John, I am the master of the hush puppy!
--DJuxtaposition, Long John Silver's

Wouldn't you like a fistful of sugared lard?
--junkpile, potatoes saved my life they can save yours too

Unfortunately, none of that ever really happened (actually, the part about the erection is true).
--hoopy frood, sultry dental hygienist

Quickly he just put the dinomite in the wearwolfs pants and boom it blew and their was rotting wearwolf flesh all over the construction site.
--Cory, as recounted by jessicapierce, The Journal of the Cursed Scientist

I think we'll all agree it would be a gas to see how many times we could complain about the position of toilet seats to MoJoe until he snaps and forcibly tears one from its housing.
--Pseudo_Intellectual, the Horny E2 Portland Conflagration

"The chain rattled softly. 'For the love of god, Christopher Robin!' For a long time, there was no answer. Then a thin, boyish voice replied, 'Yes, Pooh. For the love of God.' The final brick slid into place, plunging the Small Bear With Very Little Brain into utter darkness. 'Oh, Bother!' said Pooh."
--DaveQat, The Fall of the House of Eeyore

He then attempted to kick the severed head of the Lincoln Memorial, which had been thrown through a display window by a pervious group of rioters. "F---, that hurts! Why'd you have such a big f---ing head, Jefferson, you slave-raping prick?"
--Uberfetus, Fresh rioting began at dusk Tuesday

Yablo: today marks the five-year anniversary of the release of Quake. happy birthday, quake!
The Alchemist: Let's all horribly murder each other to celebrate!
--from the catbox, of course.

Boner: I can not explain the simple pleasure derived from the incongruence between seeing HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOTHER-FUCKER and having a single soft link underneath it pointing to Love is touching souls, surely you touched mine. Thanks.
--hoopy_frood, Happy Birthday, Hoopy_Frood

Apparently, when you stick a hanger like device into the urethra, the urethra reacts badly and decides to close up as to never be violated again. Your urethra is smart, much smarter than you in fact.
--phenylketonurics, kidney stone

Oh I had no complaints about cows but it was those chickens I was wary of; always running around before I could count them and wondering what ever did they mean by "don't count the chickens before they hatch" ...why this whole idea was more intriguing than counting chickens or the King's wives!
--Lometa, Chicken Fried Steak

Drew Carey: My GOD, man. You come in with nothing but a flower covering your genitals and five giant dildos glued to your head in daisy formation. You then expect me to do WHAT?!
--MacArthur Parker, The next time I have a sex dream, you stay the hell out!

Ninjas do amazing things like leap from building to building, walk tightropes, steal goats, and turn miraculously into logs.
--DJuxtaposition, Ninjas do NOT like pancakes, dammit!

Cthulhu: I MUCH PREFER THIS TO MY USUAL SOWING SEEDS OF UNFATHOMABLE DREAD
--ToasterLeavings, Exchanging authors

Well, first of all, you'd have to be able to fit yer head between those stubby toddler legs, and that's assuming there's even any goodies in there.
--The Custodian, Give Me Powerpuff Girls Hentai or Give me DEATH

... you never know when you might come across a drunken Bubbles in the park one night, mean shitfaced on root beer after mixing with Bottle Caps, horny and lookin' to score.
--The Custodian, Give Me Powerpuff Girls Hentai or Give me DEATH (just couldn't pick one)

Yeah man I went up to Dr. Laura and I was all "Hey if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put my ding-ding in your poopy hoo-hoo" and she punched me in my eye.
--Cow of Doom, in the catbox

The new stores will be called Big Wiggly Teeters.
--Quizro, Dolly Parton

The problem was that he thought he was freakin' Emily Dickinson. "The sun shatters the tranquil night with its golden rays. Where the hell is my breakfast? Howl! Howl! Howl!" God, can you believe it? "Tranquil night?" Sheesh!
--Habakkuk, talking about his dog's poetry, in the catbox

You think I can just go to the store and get those? I got fucking no car and like 3 inch fucking legs, man. Besides, you need to be 18 to get 'em. We are lucky to make it to 3 years old here with all these owls all over us all the time.
--CheeseDanish, puff, puff, pass

...Do I need to know something about (noder x)? He's ching tagging me and I'm starting to wonder if he's eventually going to show up at my house and demand a hummer.
--arcanamundi, in the catbox

"Hi! My name's Ricky, and I'm your spirit guide. I like chihuahuas and chinese noodles!"
--MacArthur Parker, Channeling the lotto numbers through the dead

Derfel just called a Mr. Dickie Peever. What a dirty sounding name!
Quizro: Dickie Peever is a naughty rapscallion indeed! He's always getting up to bawdy mischief. Let's see what he's done now, shall we?
Quizro: Oo! It looks like Dirty Dickie is peeping in Mrs. Thomlinson's bedroom window again! What salacious visions must be running through his head? Wup! But here comes MISTER Thomlinson with a frightful glower!
Quizro: Run, Dickie Peever, run!
Quizro makes his own fun.
--from the catbox, as always

"You've got no kids, no wife, no job, and you're not in The Tigger Movie!!!"
--TheLibra, Dissed by a Five Year-Old

Be sure to watch your local bookstores for Captain Goofy's new book: "How to Crush Your Enemies, See Them Driven Before You, and Hear the Lamentations of Their Women. Gawrsh!"
--Milen, Kingdom Hearts

i was like Holy crap youre like dwarves from a fairy tale except youre all taller than dwarves and you know the craxy shinobi jitsu skills! and you have cooters!
--Cletus the Foetus, November 12, 2002

If you are going to play this game, I strongly, STRONGLY encourage you to find the craziest, most twisted-humor member of your group, lock them in the basement for a week and feed them only asparagus and LSD and then have them GM the game.
--The Custodian, Paranoia

When the barber investigated, however, he was greeted by the sight of the dog going to town on his kid's Barney doll, the dog wailing in ecstacy and Barney singing, "I love you, you love me..."
--Roland, Stories from the Barber Shop

I am dead fucking serious, you tree-hugging pillow-biting owl-kissing sons-of-bitches.
--sekicho, The United States should go to war with everyone

The pancake is a perfect symbol for the fat of the West. Is it even physically possible to eat a pile of accursed flapjacks and not move like a sluggish cow, your face smeared with the grin of stupor, as your gastric juices work away at the mass of sugar and fat?
--gleeme, Ninjas do NOT like pancakes, dammit!

Babies come from Jesus, who swoops in during the night and impregnates our women.
--Chiisuta, in the catbox

In the final seconds, Steve faked a pass to Bill Dolichoderinae and ran on his own toward the endzone, pausing only to decapitate three of East State's weak human players with his giant pincers. TOUCHDOWN!
--Interstellar Scrotum, Antville, USA

Teach the elephant to drink petrol and ball bearings - and swallow, this time - and then inject it with half a kilogramme of LSD! Voila! It will run around, crushing our enemies, before collapsing to the ground and exploding with a massive 'crump' noise like in comics and that experiment where they injected the elephant with LSD and it died in a distressing way although other people say that it was killed by the tranqulisers used to subdue it in any case they were wicked wicked men for doing that and I would like to wish them into the cornfield.
--Ashley Pomeroy, June 20, 2003

They shouldn't have made him Ang Lee. They won't like him when he's Ang Lee... er, sorry.
--Jallak, The Hulk

"I AM NOT A POOL OF DARKNESS! I AM BONGO THE VOODOO WIZARD!"
--Quizro, Hoho the Cleric

machfive: Someone needs to make a sex toy for males. "The MechanoJerk." A 10,000 stroke per minute automated jerkoff assistance machine.
Erebr: machfive, that would annihilate said body part in under 10 seconds.
heppigirl: it's called a powersander
--from the catbox, as always

Dave Sim: making Harvey Pekar look sane since 1993!(tm)
--misuba, in the catbox, with a reference only comics fans will get

mat catastrophe: this site violates the law anyways, by not having that "i'm under 13" button when you create an account. i could sue.
ProfMoriarty: Suing E2 for that would be like shooting your mom cause she doesn't bake cookies...
mat catastrophe: LEAVE MY NON-BAKING MOTHER OUT OF THIS YOU BASTARD
ProfMoriarty: Ha! I was "non-baking" your mother last night.
--from the catbox

ABRUPTLY CUT TO: Chris Tucker. He looks like he's just shat himself.
--Chainstore, George Bush doesn't care about black people

C-Dawg: Sugar beet, sugar beet / Oh sugar, sugar beet / Call my baby sugar beet, tell you why / Kissing leaves lips as purple as a black eye
QuantumBeep: Congratulations. You have just made somebody decide to try acid.
C-Dawg is going home now
--from the catbox

Vomiting is a dignified private affair between a man and his (or his host's) toilet. Yelling things like "I AM THE VOMIT LOR-- PUHRRRGUAGGARRG!-- I AM THE-- ARRRGGUUGUGUGUGU!-- FEAR MY GOD VOMIT TING OF J-- PUUUTTLLLGGUGUUGUAAGUGAUGAUAG!" while vomiting is unbecoming and should be reserved for a few hours later when most of the guests have either left or passed out and you have overstayed your welcome but are still there because the host is moaning incoherently on the couch because he can't handle his booze. Screaming "I love the Tofu King!" is a good one, remember it doesn't have to make sense, it just has to be loud.
--BookReader, toilet

Muse: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Muse: Yeah.
OuT2FaR: nice
Excalibre: NO ORGASMS IN THE CATBOX.
Muse: it just looks like that when I translate it into text. There's a lot more of the 'horror' or maybe 'dread' element when I do it with my voice.
Muse: Dare I say, 'angst'?
Muse: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Muse: See?
Excalibre: NO EXISTENTIAL HORROR IN THE CATBOX.
--from the catbox

Ann Coulter = proof that horses can indeed mate with cobras.
--bol, in a /msg

More to come? Hell yeah, baby...

<dannye> So you're assuming that every monkey named Bob in the wired world has logged on to E2 at some point in the past 2 years. I find your hypothesis insane and cubical.
<WonkoDSane> E2 Attracts Monkeys, dannye...
<discofever> Why wouldn't they? knifegirl has been running an XP-for-bananas scam for the past 8 months now.
<WonkoDSane> E2 Attracts Monkeys.
<dannye> So that's what she meant by the "Yellow Peril." I was confused and called her a racist.
<WonkoDSane> Heheh.

---

Server time: 03:11 Sun Jan 14 2001

<EDB> PUSSIES.
<generosity> EDB's a fat pig! EDB's a fat pig!
Gamaliel wipes off the nodegel
<EDB> /borg aresds
<--OutpostMir--> woah!
<Gamaliel> the horror! the horror!
<EDB> DAMMIT.
<--OutpostMir--> someone cracked EDB!
<generosity> EDB can't type too!
<Kefabi> EDB can talk! He has a INT of 3 then! Not 1 like I had previously thought....
<EDB> I have 54 msg's???
EDB has swallowed Aresds *BURP*
EDB saves face
<akf2000> oh, the humanity...
<izubachi> Ouch, the EDB has been cruel today, it seems
<Infinity> Sweet jesus of the Zombies.... EDB out of control!
<booyaa> i often wonder what EDB like after a few brewskis...s/he/it 's gotta be a hoot

---

Server time: 17:17 Wed Jan 17 2001

<mblase> ...but not at all genetic in the same way.
<Infinite Burn> this is a silly discussion, of course there are gay jeans. In the 80s they were called jordache, remember them?
<Saige> aah, but marriage and all that is relatively new in the scheme of things...
mblase nitpicks relentlessly
<WonkoDSane> Elucidate.
<Saige> ROTFL infinite!
<WonkoDSane> I think I know where you're going with it, but I want you to tell me.
<Malicious Kitten> Voultaire once said that if you had to tie a woman to you with legal bonds, then you didn't deserve to keep the woman.
Malicious Kitten nods in agreement with dead French philosopher.
<slide> IB: what about "tuff-skins?" :P (jesus h, what a debate to find in the cbox first thing in the morning.)

---

Server time: 01:32 Thu Jan 18 2001

(Rancid_Pickle) /msg webster_1913 Hey there, good to see you old man!
Webster 1913 says Thank you, young man. Nice to see that some people still have manners these days! Why, just days ago, another noder was telling me to "f*ck off"! That's no way to treat the elderly!
(Rancid_Pickle) /msg webster_1913 Considering you've noded a quarter of the database, I think we owe you a debt of gratitude, hehehe. If you see Dem Bones, say hello for me
Webster 1913 says I must go take a nap now. Goodnight, young 'un!

<jbird> wow, webster1913 is here!
<Jinmyo> All hail Webster 1913, top of the user's list.

---

Server time: 23:13 Fri Jan 19 2001

EDB has swallowed EDB EDB was tasty! Sometimes I wonder just what they used for FrankenEDB's brain...