Well today is another day according to my time zone and well today was today yesterday night in the E2 server. Well last night after I logged out of E2 to go home, I swung by my work. I finally got enough balls to go and quit my stupid job. I don’t know why I guess I just got tiered of closing every fucking weekend, taking the trash out when its raining, people bitching at me for their order when its not my fault, people going to the wrong restaurant and bitching that they had placed an order here and wanting it now because they were hungry. But what I think really got to me was taking out all of the dead rats out once a week now that was sick. But I don’t have to worry about money you see there was another reason why I quit. I already have another job that I think I will enjoy, I will work for H&R block as a receptionist. I will work with too people that I care for a lot one is my best friend Clearpebbles the other is her mom. Another reason for me quitting was because I knew that they wouldn’t give me the days off to go to the deum in two weeks and I really wanted to go. Well at least I got enough money taken away from me for taxes that when I get my return I will have enough to finally buy me a computer for my home then I wont have to be at school so early or so late doing stuff on E2. Well that’s about it let’s see how the rest of my day goes.

Seen taped on local lampposts:

No one is to blame.

from the people who brought us the guerilla pamphlet

Be neither a slave nor a master.

Things I find on the street seem to be dominating my scant recent day logs. It is as though my subjective life had ceased to register as significant beyond the artifacts of other people I encounter and interact with in my sporadic expeditions out of my basement into the outside world.

I am reporting the disembodied words of complete strangers, as opposed to sharing the disembodied words of this stranger.

My mind is going, I can feel it.

I am now losing writeups from my backup brain faster than I am writing them. Soon I shall break 5000 for the second time. Soon I won't remember their being removed. It's like Time's Arrow flying backwards; as I feel myself diminishing my reflected impact lessens. I don't protest because I know that it is inevitable, someday soon perhaps my user picture priviliges being revoked celebrating entry into adulthood and ultimately disappearing in birth.

Online community is feeling more like a chain than a glory; if I make a large enough mark here, seen by enough people around the world I have no need to disengage from my chair and actually effect that world I can touch.

I plant the seed of the writeup; it is submitted when the shoots break the dirt. Exposed to the light of public scrutiny it doesn't grow bigger but denser.

in our last episode... | p_i-logs | and then, all of a sudden...

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Time: Wed, 6 Dec 2000 00:20:06 GMT
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JeffMagnus node count: 4061 (0 new since December 5, 2000)
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JeffMagnus node of the day: Everything Rumors

You told me once, in a hand-written letter in response to something I couldn't remember, that you think my problem is that I feel too much too fast.

OK. I'll believe that.

But now what?

I remember one night stands for weeks long after they're gone and one month stands until my heart fades away. I can't tear my mind from the boy I'll probably never see again, and distract myself with thoughts of his kisses and don't know how to not feel this much, this fast.

I don't even know him. I'm not even sure I like him.

I'm doing it again and it sucks.

So now what?

Knowing may be half the battle, but these are emotions I don't control, no matter how much it might be a good idea if I did. I don't know how to, and so I remember, and reminisce and I feel, both far too early and far too long, and I don't know what to do about it.

Today I translated my curriculum vitae to English. I did this first five years ago, and that landed me in romantic Pittsburgh, PA. What will the consequences be this time ?
My relationship is floundering. I would like to do a brilliant self-analysis about this, but unfortunately I really suck at self-analysis. I also suck at analyzing other people. On the other hand, I write really good awk code, if there is such a thing.
I am thinking with desire about Austin, TX. Is this stupid ? Probably.
I realize that I am entering again the denied-withdrawal phase, in which I make up all kinds of excuses and stories that allow me to withdraw into my shell - and at the same time pretend that everything is just dandy -. One trick I have now identified is to spend a lot of time in the bathroom, being really thorough about brushing my teeth. Anything, ANYTHING to avoid talking.
Let us see what the night brings. I would prefer to be thinking about photography and learning SQL, and instead here I am doing the very thing at which I suck most: relationships, love. Bleah.

On the sunny side, I am reading Love in the time of Cholera, which is really good. Literature saves the day, or at least some minutes of it !

When I was about to get into my car to drive home today, a notice a letter under my wiper. It read, "GUESS WHO GOT HEAD TODAY?!" I look around. I have no idea who could have written it. I get into my car and notice my Barbie Antenna Ball is missing. DAMN WHOEVER TOOK IT!
I drive home following redboot, and he drives into my house instead of going to his. We bum around my house, eat sandwiches. We then decide to watch Ninja Scroll, but before it actually starts playing, we decide to go rent some new anime instead. When we get to hollywood video I see some of my friends there. We mingle, and as I pull out of the parking lot, I almost hit a truck. It was so stupid of me. I need to be more careful. We get home and instead of watching the anime we watch Mangolia. I love that movie. Redboot then leaves and my mom makes me clean the restrooms. YUCK!

It's Finnish Independence Day!

Happy independence day, to all the Finnish folk around here.

Or, in Finnish,

Hyvää itsenäisyyspäivää!

For the curious, it's independence from Russia in 1917 (right about when Russia became the USSR).
It was a bit too absorbed in its own little problems (October revolution, etc) to care if Finland kind of decided to split.

well today has so far been quite an interesting day, my brother who is now 22 finally left to join the RAF

Even though that for about 17 years my brother has been anoying the hell out of me i will miss him quite alot. I will always think of the good times that me and my brother had (and there was quite a few!) but also my brother at times could be a real bastard!

i rememeber vivdly one day i was in the kitchen (i was only about 10 or around that age) and my brother came in and went to a cuboard that contained food, now at this time i had my back to him, so the sneaky bastard took some pepper and proceeded to grab my head force my mouth open and empty the contents of a pepper bottle into my mouth!

the after effects were pretty bad, by chucking nearly all of the pepper into my mouth i was then promptley phiscally sick for the next 4 or 5 hours.

but after that small incident i forgave my brother, because in the end i know that i love very much and i will miss him dearly. but thats life as the saying goes and indeed for me and for my brother life must go on, he will take one road and after my A-levels will take the other that leads to university. but still i will miss him.....

I'd begun to be filled with it again, filled with myself, and I looked in the mirror and I saw my own reflection. I peer into the mirror now and it's blurry and I can't make out my features. This isn't me, burried away without even my thoughts, and I wonder how I've returned to this place after thinking I've escaped.

I'm not in love, so don't forget it. It's just a silly phase I'm going through.

I know how I've returned here and I can't imagine it's all bad. That I've focused myself on another person and neglected myself and I somehow need to find a balance.

I'd like to see you, but then again, that doesn't mean you mean that much to me.

I've found it once and I can find it again, after all these years and I finally felt it was me together. I'm not really sure anybody is sure of what they're doing most of the time and so maybe it's a silly thing to even strive for. But I can't believe that.

My knowing is burried beneath my hopes, and beneath my hopes is my knowing. I say I don't believe but deep down I do, and even deeper I know it's not true. And it just keeps going that way, and it never stops and I'm not so sure it ever can.

I've decided one thing in the past week. That I'm not going to study Computer Science or anything like that. That I'm going to study what I want to rather than what I always figured would be what I'd fall into.

And I'm going to say what I want, and I'm not going to pretend I don't have feelings. Because this isn't me and I'm tired of breaking mirrors.

*blinks* ye gods today has been ODD (and its only six bloody thirty!)

midnight: wandered off to super walmart for fabric to make garb for christmas court.

1 am: arrive home with gorgeous grey cloth and bloodred/maroon cording for trim. have plans to meet annabella again at noon to make my anglewing tunic.

1:30 AM: turn off computer, go to sleep.

4:00 AM: wake up for no reason whatsoever. spend next hour tossing and turning, failing to get back to sleep, but stuck lying in bed for fear of waking roommate.

4:45 or so finally realize mutually that *both* of us are awake and have played the lie in bed and try to sleep game. talk for a moment. she wanders off to shower i paw thru drawer looking for my multivitamins and advil because i fear a cold coming on and try to stave it off. she returns and we're both *wide* awake and wired. there is no way either will sleep soon.

5:00 or shortly thereafter:realize we've both awakened because there's some massive power shift going on outside and we're both empathic. decide it is a large earth spirit on patrol for some unknown reason. sense said being walking about streets on parts of campus near us. talk about being, speculate as to mission.

5:15ish : be *noticed* by said earth spirit, who then stoops down to look in our window to see who noticed him. apparently very few people actually realize his presence when he does walk. spent next half hour + talking to this being. He's a pleasant jolly goodnatured fellow (earth spirits tend to be) and he loves to laugh. did not have as much of a 'conversation' as we said things to one another and got waves of emotion off of him as a response. We, and our unique and sometimes silly ways, amused him greatly--he spent the better part of time laughing. make a smartass crack about the sprites in our room, which truly amused him and had the sprites 'looking' at us and going 'what in the world is wrong with those humans!? such *weird* creatures'!

5:48 : presence suddenly vanishes abruptly and mood shifts to much more serious. there is *something* happening--or two somethings--and he left to attend to his original duty which was to guard and watch and protect.. some major occourance on an astral play, and something on the 'mundane' plane. neither would be large unto themselves, but they are increasing the potency of the other, respectively, many powers. plans to check with the grove keeper and a priestess friend are in order to attempt to find out what is happening.

6:42 : sit on computer typing and listening to "it can't rain all the time..." from the crow (that is another story all unto itself while waiting for dining hall to open so we can eat breakfast (for the first time in weeks we're awake early enough *to* get breakfast. fully intend now that pressure is gone, to fall back asleep after food. food is good.

7:12 : go eat. collapse in bed 20 minutes later, sleep two and a half more hours, wake up, and wash fabric. ^_^ updates will follow if they are nessecary or relavent.

Well, after coming back from the pub last night (only 3 pints) and having lost the pub quiz to win the booby prize. (17 points after 4 rounds caused us to "scuttle" ourselves, to lose with a little panache - we decided to have a laugh with the picture round). Kebab, tea, trying out homeworld mods, bed at 1:15am.

Wake up at 7:19am

Sleep at 7:20am

Wake up at 8:25am

Up showered, dressed and listening to Radio 1 by 8:55 - Wu Tang Clan's new 'chewn', as it was described, is very good.

At work at 9:15. A very rare occurence - especially since I was booting up the computer and simultaneously feeling awake and alert. Completely unheard of!

The client has (once again) failed to provide any devices for us to test so I can mess about until it's time to give them the status report at the end of the day and remind them I'm doing nothing.
At least I'm honest about it!

All in all, quite a nice start to the day.

14:28

Hyvää Itsenäisyyspäivää! =)

I again woke up a bit too late - but I'm now reading Usenet and watching Tuntematon Sotilas from TV. (They seem to show it in the TV every year or something...)

I hope the day will be better than yesterday...

16:28

Posted screenshot to themes.org - it may or may not be available, images.themes.org seemed to be down...

17:33

Tuning, tuning, tuning, and the damned Apache still doesn't think I have Perl 5.6... =(

Well, at least the webcam thing works somewhat.

20:01

Uh, spent some time cleaning up The Unofficial Guide to TinySex, and then I, well, noded it. =)

---

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: The Unofficial Guide to TinySex (and subparts of it) wixxx

• 5:30, wake up
• 5:35, walk cozmo
• 5:45, cigarette
• 5:55, shower
• 6:10, get dressed
• 6:15, cigarette
• 6:25, watch the news
• 7:00, leave for work
• 7:10, coffee

well, maybe shit will hit the fan today. who knows. the argument last night has spread around the office like a legend. i accept that voices shouldn't be raised in a professional environment, but we are both at fault for that. it should be an interesting, if frustrating, day. frustrating not because of last night's conflict, but becase I have one business day to fix what had been messed up. i don't know if it can be fixed. i'm working on it.

this company is not at a place where we can afford to look like assholes. and this guy doesn't seem to give a crap. well. maybe he does care... he cares enough and knows it's a weighty enough issue that he is vehemently denying responsibility for the stuff he didn't do.

i'll keep you posted.

---

ahhhhh. i emerge victorious.

16:47

9 hours of sleep has never felt this good.

Thankfully these insomnia attacks of mine only last for 1-3 nights. The invisible plastic wrap separating me from reality has been removed! I feel like I was dead for 2 days and have now been resurrected. And I still can't understand those people who deliberately pull all-nighters and act like it's no big deal. One more night of laying awake and I would've gone postal.

Oh, right..
Hyvää itsenäisyyspäivää to all the Finnish noders!
Although practically it isn't more than a day off from work for me. I don't plan to spend the night watching what pseudo-celebrities and politicians have put on for the president's reception, or how they shake the hands of Tarja & Pentti for what seems like an eternity. Anyhow, I'm glad Suomi isn't just a part of Russia these days.
Hmm. I wonder why Rexx wasn't invited to the reception? He made the president's home page after all. :)

18:43

ARGH!
Some of the 3 people who actually read day logs might remember the Big LightWave Project™ I planned last summer. I was intending to finish it by December 15, 2000 .. And I just realized I have barely started working on it!
Damn. I really want to do this thing. So I guess there's nothing to do except rebooting to Win2k and start up LW. If I make it, part of the result will be visible in my home node.

I am laughing again!

(I am no longer depressed.)

These few days have left me a little bitter since the incident with my car. But last night, I finally got around to laughing when I talked to my Love on the phone. I also seemed to have laughed at today's Humble and Fred show on the radio. Before leaving my room, they played an excerpt from Mister Dressup. It went like this:

"What a wonderful day today. We have lots planned for today. I'm so glad you can join us!"

ding-dong ding-dong

"Oh, someone is at the door. Hold on a second, let's see who it is."

{silence signifies he opened the door and looked around}

"Oh! No one is there...I guess someone was playing a trick on me!"

{Mr. Dessup chuckles}

That really made my day. How nice that it was that early in the morning.

12:17

I'm in a better mood today, but not exactly smiley like I hoped. Work is handing me some confusing projects with a lot of tedious detail-minding work. That's the main thing bringing me down, though.

the weather is beautiful again. I'm going to eat lunch outside today.

12:45

I'm full, the sky is sunny. I wish I could lay down on a patch of grass and take a nap, but I have to work all afternoon. It's 68º out, and it feels even warmer in the sun. I'm sure it will get chilly by 5, and I will have to settle for a nap on the couch.

Still, it would be nicer to go to the beach.

6:19

Just as I suspected, it was chilly when I got off work. I'm going to do laundry tonight. I'm going to do laundry tonight. I'm going to do laundry tonight.

I'm also going to node one of my poems for the first time tonight. It's called First Crush.

I really need to get to that laundry....

7:48 I still haven't started that laundry....

damn everything.

9:15
Okay, okay. I put in a load of laundry.

Subtitle of the Day: Confusing Public Art

It begins on my lunch break. I grab a bagel and a coffee and begin to prowl the streets of my fair city. The windchill cuts like a knife, and I'm practically the only one out. I can feel the eyes of the people inside the department stores and delicatessens as they watch me. This is a very gray place, with an excessive amount of dirty, polluted rivers, but every now and again I stumble across something beautiful.

Today was not one of those days.

I found it in a small green space hemmed in on all sides by concrete. Some construction, vageuly Stonehenge-ish, formed of several fifty-gallon drums, each painted green and stenciled with the name of a continent, and each connected to the others by green rope. They were arranged in a circle around what appeared to be a giant blue wrecking ball with funny green knobs sticking out of it. Inside each of the drums was an odd mixture of trash and ice and leaves. There was a tiny little sign that said "Do Not Touch," but that's it; there was no word of explanation at all.

I'm still rather baffled by the whole thing.

Today, I anticipated terminating my current relationship. Because it is inevitable. Because it is getting uglier by the day. She says she loves me and I give her great joy.

Yet I am merely fond of her.

She needs more of me than I am able to give. The resulting friction feeds a simmering toxic soup of resentment which will overflow very soon.
...and the relationship will end.

Am I a selfish, self-centered bastard? Probably, but that is beside the point. For whose benefit is this arrangement we call a 'relationship'? Hers and mine. We are not happy. I don't believe there is enough in this relationship to fight for. We have been dating for 5 and a half weeks. Her use of the L word cannot allow me to ignore my lack of special feelings towards her. We had some great times, but now it is time to move on. Sorry but true.

Here's to friends.

Woke up sicker than shit again. I took some medicine that my doctor said "would heal me right up." I got ready for school, which utterly and totally sucks. Spanish for Non-native speakers, makes me feel like a white hispanic, a coconut of some sort: brown on the outside, white on the inside. I got my last test back, "77". "Damn you professor," I thought. He showed me my average, an 84, I decided not to take the final.

Talked to some friends in the library at school. A friend wants to take a picture of some of her friends, including me. Kathy tells me to get on her lap, I jump on it instead. We take the picture and Michelle wants one too. I got off Kathy and Michelle said, "You get yourself back on that girl right now!" I obliged and realized that I will more than likely never hear that again.

I stress over two more exams that day, I take my Music Appreciation test, a mere joke, though I probably failed. Redboot didn't have his notes, we were allowed to use them. I laughed at him, wickedly.

Astronomy test was harder than I imagined. "Fuck me," I said aloud. "Sorry, no." I heard from all around. I know I bombed the hell out of that test, who cares?

On my way home I saw a dog humping another dog while another dog watched. Strange breeds they must be. Got home to an empty house, like every other day. 7 hours of isolation is complete madness and paranoia hits me. I log on to my crappy ISP and write this node. Maybe something better will happen today.....more than likely not.

Disclaimer:I by no means want to disparage mycountry of habitat with this log. I have really enjoyed my stay here, by the [irksome9 nature of the days events have caused me to write this log.

Dec. 6, 1917. It was the first world war, and Russia had just been severely beaten by the German forces. In the ceding of its many lands, it gave up Finland, bestowing upon it...independence.

Dec 6, 2000. 83 years later, Finland celebrates its independence in the most glorious of manners....By watching the social elite shake hands with the president for 3 FUCKING HOURS!!!!!. And whats worse!? The monotonous drones who host the televised cast, commenting on the exquisiteness of the ladies' dresses, and on the past of accomplishments of this years attendees.

This isn't so bad actually. I don't mind. People have a right to do what they want, and celebrate their independence in any manner they choose; no matter how I hold it. What bothers me though, is the fact that it disrupts my usual TV schedule! I mean How can ANYBODY STAND TO WATCH AS ARSSI HARJU SHAKES(Finnish gold medalist in Olympic shot-put) SAYS HELLO TO THE PRESIDENT? Come on people get a life, and let me be reclusive and watch my usual TV.

The Finns fought two bloody wars against the Russians in the second world war, and we managed to fend them off, keeping us from ever entering the soviet bloc. We were the only country to pay full WWII reparations, and this is how we celebrate? There ought to be great parties and magnificent shows, honoring those who fought and cherishing the modern system of fair democratic government. Cherish the fact that we weren't assimilated by the Soviets, and that we have become a well-off country.

No this cannot be for we have to have one more year. We have to watch the celebs in their pretty dresses and tuxedos walk by and shake hands with the president. At least its only once a year.

In about 25 minutes, I will leave to go see a psychiatrist for the first time. I have seen plenty of psychotherapists, but only at this stage in my life have I gotten my act together enough to really take advantage of an objective opinion, and actually made an effort.

I've spilled my deepest, most uncomfortable secrets, and I've dug up the rancid graves of my past. I've stopped disrespecting myself, and I've started paying attention to my actions and reactions. I was really ready for this, really ready to get everything straight, ready to feel good about life, and about myself.

So I've done all of my internal and external housekeeping. I've tended to the garden of my life and pulled the weeds, fed the peach tree.

It's not enough. My therapist recommends a psychiatrist - he feels I am well adjusted and correct, yet I still feel skewed. So off to the psychiatrist I go, hoping for a more potent version of Miracle Gro for my metaphorical garden.

I'm terrified.

---

the outcome: welcome to paxiltown. enjoy your stay.

I'm off to Deutschland in January

Well, I am sitting over at Apple once again, messing with the evil iBook. iBook's are inherently evil. As I was waiting for yet another test kernel to compile, I decided to read some email.

Due to plane ticket issues (see December 4, 2000 by heinous for details) beyond my control, I am incredibally tight on cash this month. Well, I received a message from my roommate about money owed this month. I had already given him a blank check to fill out accordingly, so he was just checking with me on the amount, first. I forgot about the money I owed him toward some expenses for this Halloween party we had last month. I owed him more than was in my bank account. I had arranged to borrow some money from The Framebuffer Guy (AKA: James), to get me through the end of the month. Unfortunately, it takes a little time for me to get money deposited in my bank account, as there are no local branches and I have to mail my deposits to Georgia. I have never even lived in Georgia. This, in and of itself, is a long story. At any rate, I would have been screwed if he had filled out that check, so it was good that he didn't. He was cool with just grabbing half of the amount for now, and waiting until the rest of my account is okay. This was very relieving. I have not known my roommate very well, and was hoping he would not be flying into a fit of rage over my negligence.

There were two more emails worth noting:

One message came in from the nasty company that won't feel sorry me and my screwed up plane ticket situation. They wrote to tell me that they messed up my second booking, and had to change the flight times slightly. That was a big surprise. (Again, see December 4, 2000 for the full story on that. The times they changed the flights to were not too terrible, but they get me in slightly later on Chrismas Eve than I was expecting.

By now you are wondering about the Germany heading, and why I haven't written anything up to this point about it. Or maybe you are not.

The third email that I received was from a fellow named Olaf, with whom I confer on an almost daily basis regarding our PPC Port. He works for the same company that I do, except in Germany. To my delight, he was able to get approval for me to come over to Germany for a few weeks to do some work with the PPC guys over there! I am very happy, because I love traveling, and missed going to Germany when I was in Europe a while back. This means that the end of December to the beginning of February will be pretty crazy for me. That is an understatement, of sorts. Here is the itiniary:

• December 24 - January 30: Trip to Chicago and Northern Indiana for Christmas.
• January 6 - January 26: Playing with PPC Machines in Germany.
• January 29 - February 2: New York, for a tradeshow.

Thus, life will be a very strange for the next couple of months. I am quite excited. There is nothing more fun than traveling around, in my opinion.

Lately I've been feeling like a renaissance man. Last week I threw a football around with my father, while listening to a supreme court hearing. Saturday my brother came over and helped my father and me lay some conduit for the new electric cable to our house (electricity is magic). Yesterday my father and I continued to lay the conduit, while I solved a problem I was working on concerning probability.

Big fun

Today we (think we) finished laying the conduit. It was really cold, so cold that by the end I was acting kinda goofy: I was singing a song that I can't remember now, and was starting to sound a little conservative (horrors!).

Bigger fun

Today we also got my PSAT results back. In the PSATs there's five sections: two maths, two verbals, and one writing. On the math and verbal sections I did very well, as I expected. I was scared about the writing section, and it turned out that I didn't do nearly as well in it than in the others, even though I still scored in a high percentile.

Yay!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

BOYS AND GIRLS

Gather 'round. I've got some information to share with you all.

OOOO MMMM GGGG, I'VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND!

You say "ooooh...Do tell!"

Well sir, I will. I'll start from how the day progressed. Until the final moment when it all goes down.

So it begins...

I was worried this morning. I didn't get to talk to her on the phone last night. She had this project to work on for class that was worth a lot of points. So I only get to hear her sweet voice for a couple of seconds. No big deal. That short time is enough to spawn thousands and thousands of sweet fantasies. Today's schedule is different. I don't get to walk her to her 1st hour, since we have homeroom this Wednesday. But I see her walking by anyways. I'm tempted to stop what I'm doing and run to her, with what little time I've got left to get to class. But instead I stand and watch. And smile. And am late to class :). Homeroom is 30 minutes long. 30 long..painful...agonizing...minutes. Why doth god maketh me wait for my princess. I'm checking my watch ever y few seconds, hoping by some miracle time will skip a few minutes just for me. But it doesn't. Instead it makes it takes longer. I've already planned in my head from the night before what I'm going to say. "I was thinking about what you asked. You wanted to know What I wanted for Christmas? Well...Can I have YOU?" This of course wasn't the first or last time I'd analyzed what I was about to say. The bell rings. This is my first of many chances to make it happen. There she is. I see her over my shoulder. My heart melts. Those blue eyes. We talk. I don't even MENTION christmas. WHY CAN'T I JUST DO IT! I just can't, I suppose. Ok, no big deal. I've got 5 more passing periods after this I can ask. And I've got time before her practice after school. Well, to make a long story short, I don't ask all day. I come close during the 6th to 7th period passing period. I've got an entire 5 minutes to do this, people. I manage to blurt out during an uncomfortable silence "So, have you thought about what you want for christmas?";. She reponds with the "No, I'm still not sure, what about you?". This is it ladies and gentlemen. This is my chance. This is my goal for the day. I can do it here. No big deal, right?
Wrong.
"Oh...I'll think of something." -- WHAT THE HELL??? I'll THINK of something? You MORON! UUUGH. Well we part for the last period of the day and I sit in painful agony as I analyze the current situation. Ok, at least I've STARTED the process, somewhat, right? I can finish this up after school. Make it short and sweet. No problem. So the 7th period bell rings. Here she comes to my locker. I'm always so slow. I get my things in my bag and we head towards the swimming locker rooms. Ok, you have to do it now. There's just nothing stopping you. You can do it. Ladies and Gentlemen...guess what!?!?! I DIDN'T FUCKING DO IT! Please, hold your gunfire until after, it gets better, honestly. Well, her practice doesn't get out until 5:30, I can call her afterwards. And she's on my intramural basketball team anyways, I can ask her when I pick her up to take her (even though she just lives across the street...it's FREEZING...I'm not letting her walk). My best friend and I leave after school to pick up our intramural t-shirts that are supposed to be finished. Ok, I've got her T-Shirt. SOMEHOW I've got to get it to her, right? I can give it to her just before we play. Or I can call her and bring it to her at home. OMG, I've got a great idea. I can give it to her when she gets out of practice and instead of just letting her walk home across the street, I'll take her home. So that's what I do. I get there 15 minutes early and wait around for her. Out she comes after 10 minutes. She sees me and instantly smiles. I give her her shirt and walk her out to my car. I figure this is another chance to ask her. But I don't do it. She keeps asking me how long I waited. She was worried I had waited forever for her. Nah, no big deal. My pleasure. I thought it was a nice surprise. So skip ahead to 8:00pm. I've got to pick up everyone soon to head to the game. I planned on calling her ahead of time, but instead I just go to her house and pick her up. My dad lets me take his Jeep Grand Cherokee because there's more room than my Saturn. Sweet ass sweet. So I head over to her house first, and I get to go in and chat with the parents. It honestly wasn't that bad, they are nice people. Her mom was making Ginger-bread houses. They were very detailed. Very nice. So the mom sets the curfew for right after the game gets out. No big deal. It's a school night, after all. Well, let's skip all the game details. I didn't get to play because I have 2 low grades this semester. Only one other game this semester, so I'll be able to play next. No big deal. We won our first game, btw. That was nice. I ask her if she'd like to go out and celebrate, but she's really tired, so I head to her house (across the street). Keep in mind there are 4 other people, including my sister. So we get to her house. My friends are all like "Are you going to walk her to the door?" .. "Yeah, you should walk her to the door." Omg, thanks for the peer pressure guys. Sheesh. So, obviously I get out and walk her to her door. OMG. This is it. This is what it's all about. Now or nothing, my friend. Now ... or ... Nothing. I don't know what to say, because I've got this huge grin on my face. "So, I'm taking you out for lunch tommorow, right?" "Yeah, I'm going with you." "Ok, cool....So um...well....I've been wanting to say something...and these guys are pressuring me....um....(huge HUUUUGE grin)...will you go out with me?" My heart stops...waiting for the response. But I don't have to wait long. It's as if she's been WAITING for this to happen. "Yes (huge grin)". I don't know what else to do. It's been done. Things aren't any different. OMG, but I was so excited. "So...I'll see you tommorow then?" "Yeah, ok...bye" "SEE ya."
WOW...OMG. That was awesome. I figure I should have done something...maybe kissed her? Oh well, it's already done. I'll make it all worth it, though. The kiss can wait. For now, I've got to calm myself down. I'm going crazy.

I can't think of anything else to say. I'm getting dazed from all this typing. I'm so happy. I'm on cloud 9.

Thanks for all those that helped.

I'll keep you updated.

And ladies...

I'M TAKEN...PLEASE STOP E-MAILING PHONE NUMBERS, HONESTLY!

10:59 PM

I woke up later than I wanted to and hit snooze several times. I wanted to go to the gym this morning, but I couldn't get myself out of bed.

Today was a really slow day. I was more tired than ever, and the day just drug on. All I did today was rewrite a parser in one piece of code for processing two different types of fields. I did that in about 2 hours and spent the rest of the day at work trying to stay awake.

After I got home, I felt a little better, but still didn't quite feel like going off to the gym. I made dinner and watched a couple episodes of Junkyard Wars before going to the gym a mere hour before it closed.

I walked for about 30 mins, and burned 325 calories according to the treadmill. They seemed to want to close up a few minutes early tonight, so I didn't do any weights.

I'm beginning to wonder if this is just the minor effects of the flu vaccine, or if I'm just on a downward mood swing again. I was feeling quite depressed at work today for some reason; maybe I'm only depressed when I'm tired.

I feel better now. I don't really see why I have any real reason to be depressed; I seem to be doing fairly well at work making friends and stuff. I guess I just need something to do besides work and computers.

I need to remember my doctor appointment next week. I've got 4 entries in my palm pilot to remind me this time. I hope I can drop at least one of my blood pressure medicines. One of them makes my heart beat weaker, while the other makes me sweat about 2-3 times normal. Either one would be great to lose. Getting rid of the first would probably boost my energy level, while the second would make me look like less of a freak when I'm just hanging around in a warm room (like last night while playing pool).

Oh, I do hear another episode of Junkyard Wars coming on; I'll be back later to wrap this day up :)

---

1:29 AM

I finally burned 3G off of my drive onto CD's that I probably will never look at again anyway... I had to reburn two CD's because they didn't quite record correctly. For some reason my CD-R drive seems to work better with phthalocyanine dye discs than cyanine dye discs.

That's about it for today. Hopefully I'll have some energy tomorrow, but only if I get my ass to bed.

That reminds me.. I had a lucid dream last night. I haven't had one in quite a while, but was reading about them here on e2 a few days ago. Whenever I read about lucid dreams, it seems to trigger me to have one, or at least it reminds me to pay attention to any oddities of perception and test for a dream state. Those are fun, though they never seem to last long enough; I tend to get too excited about being lucid, and wake up.

Oh well, I'll try again.

Sleep now.

...Pens...Pencils...

Get ready for late daylog downvoting frenzy!

2:00 PM EST -- Less German, more Ghallager

Lemme bring you up to speed here.

Finals are coming up in the "quite soon" area of time over at Oakland University. Unfortunately, this means I'll have to TAKE said finals, as well as finalize any projects. Fortunately, I only have one such project to deal with, my German one.

Always the silly person, I decided to do a weird skit involving the daily eating habits of Germans. A part of it involves going all Ghallager on an orange. I was originally planning on videotaping it beforehand so I had the advantage of being able to clean up a makeshift stage afterward without pissing off the maintenence crew.

Unfortunately, due to us not being able to concentrate on German long enough to get this done earlier, we're stuck doing it live. And I'll still need to go Ghallager. And we still need to rehearse. Not cool at all.

8:00 PM EST -- What? No Bodgers this time?

Yummy... it's Wednesday in America, it's 8PM, I guess I know where I'll be for the next three hours... Junkyard Wars all night!

11:03 PM EST -- Is E2 leaking all over the 'net?

Oh, wonderful. Now, for some unknown reason, some dumb fuck's decided that the little message board I frequent is the perfect place to voice his whiny, overused opinions on such BLEEDING ORIGINAL subjects as abortion, the death penalty, legalizing drugs... you know, the same shit everyone dealt with in their high school debate classes. (Note how I cleverly avoid giving my stance on said topics)

We've also been dealing with a wave of idiocy for a couple weeks now... people complaining about the administration, people whining about us closing off topics (These are newbies to our little home) I'm wondering, is this a habringer of doom, maybe another September that never ended on the rise? Except one of arrogance rather than idiocy this time around?

Tonight was supposed to be my alone-time night. I was going to take a long shower, make some hot chocolate, plug in the Christmas tree lights, and snuggle on the couch with the rest of my book to keep me company.

Instead, I get called to an emergency 8 p.m. meeting where we discuss the politics of our company and our situation. No snuggling, no Christmas lights, no hot chocolate, and no alone time. Now it's late and I'm going to have to put off discovering what lies ahead in the next chapter until tomorrow night.

Damn.

I don't mean to leave such a short writeup ... it's just been one of those days.

First off....Eric called me!!! We talked for like two and a half hours! Easily, too. He just wanted to talk. Comepletely out of the blue. There was a time when I was used to Double D calling me, but this was different. I knew it was him as soon as I picked up the phone, as soon as I heard his voice. He's so gentle and hesitant. Wow...more proof that this is right. His friends are keeping in touch with me!

I will give credit where credit is due. One descision was made. You want me, you just don't know how, when and most importantly, why. But don't give me any more shit about the phone calls. I'll call more when I see some reciprocation. As in letters, email, patience, and maybe some idea of what the hell you want from me. If you want some love struck puppy-dog chasing after you, begging for attention, you picked the wrong girl. (out of many, I'm not speaking specifically.) Years ago. I ain't doin' it anymore. I'm staying right where I am, I just set up the studio in the garage for crissakes. You will not be the only proud owner of one of my paintings, and no, you still can't have the bee. I gave it to your mom because she of all people deserved him. But I can send you a photo. And quit lying to your friends. We all exchange stories now, don't you know that? You're getting caught on many fronts. More than you thought originally. But keep your socks on , buddy. You are going to have to wait for the things you want.

So, Eric is going to try and come see some of his family and I will most likely go get him from the other coast. Cool. There's also some talk of New Orleans, which is great because Kevin has wanted to go. I think there's some guy over there, or is it that he just wants to stalk Poppy Z. Brite?

Ficus had his wisdom teeth out yesterday, he sounds all kind of fucked up. He asked me to talk dirty to him, for old time's sakes, I told him he could stick it. Friday we're going to an old friend of his party. Next week, my brother's taking me to his office party, as the owner's brother and I are big buddies. The following night, we're having our own party and I need to think fast! I have about a week to find at least ten girls to accomodate all of the guys that will be over here. HELP! People will have just enough time to sober up from the previous night, possibly with a little help from the hair of the dog.

Speaking of my brother, I think he's in love. She's from New Mexico, she has about four MAs, she's a physicist, major case of the ADDs, just divorced, and she's freaking my brother out. One, she's smarter than him. Two, she and I get on way too well. Three, it's moving way too fast for him. But four, he asked her to move here. My brother never does that! He just lets little beach bunnies follow him home. He told me he was scared. Then I got scared because I was giving HIM the love advice! Yeah, I could really enjoy her being my sister-in-law. Nerf battles!! Oh, and she's cute. That doesn't hurt either.

So, a lot has happened in a blink of an eye. But I feel so much better......

The morning sucks. I hate waking up most of the time, but it was one of those really bad ones. Not sure why.

I go to take a shower, and realize I forgot to do some laundry last night, so I am forced to wear the same underwear again. And I really, really hate doing that, almost as much as skipping a shower. So I know it's going to be a bad day.

I get in to work, and do my usual scan of various web sites. I go read User Friendly, BottomQuark, Slashdot, a couple other minor things, and then check out E2. I sit and read, vote, and talk away on the chatterbox. Pretty much all day. Why the hell don't I really try and get any work done? I re-realize that I really don't care for my job, but I can't really think of anything else I'd rather do, and that makes it hard to get off my behind and get something better.

Well, I do get a little bit done, but not much, and finally get out of work as soon as I can. I start that laundry so as to not repeat the morning's experience, then go to take care of the dishes. The dishwasher seems to have decided not to really clean things this time, and the last of the detergent was used up, so there's not much I can do. I clean things up a little bit, and decide I'll go to the store and get more detergent later when the snow and traffic both let up. Oh yeah, did I mention it's been snowing to the point where traffic is a bit slower and some roads are a bit slippery?

I wander upstairs and turn on the computer, and stop by #Everything, to talk for a little bit, see how people are doing, while I check my e-mail. Look, more messages from Sarcasmo about details for the party. Cool. Now I just need to talk to my SO later on tonite and make sure it's ok, as she's at work. Evenings. Yay.

The channel isn't that exciting, but Masukomi shows up, and we start talking. About lots of things. Next thing I know I'm ranting and venting to her, about all sorts of things. Damn, she's a great listener.

Finally, I go get some food, and try calling my SO. At dinner. So I leave a message, and go back up and talk to Masukomi some more, since the channel is still not all that interesting. And rant and vent more. FINALLY, I call my SO back yet again, and ask how work's going and such. Then I mention the party, and the conversation goes downhill.

I mean, what kind of sane person would want to go from the suburbs into the city, with a ride from someone she doesn't know, to visit people she doesn't really know, has never met, or even talked to? Why would I want to do such a thing?

Well, that's the reaction I get. Not fun. Off the phone, and I know both of us are in pretty crummy moods now. Back to ranting and such, and I'm starting to wonder about my relationship, even. Other little details.

My SO calls back about an hour and a half later, first to apologize, then we go back through things again. But this time with something about making a list of good reasons to go. Interspersed with that "I'll be worried all evening and do a horrible job at work, and I really would rather you didn't" type stuff which has that wonderful side effect of making sure that were I to go, somehow, that I'd never forget that she'd be all worried and a mess the entire time, and that I wouldnt be able to have any fun.

I get off the phone, in a fog, chat a little bit longer (yes, a few minutes became hours, fortunately I did remember to get some laundry done in there, but not out to the store), then about 10 decide to go to bed. I just don't feel like being awake anymore.

Sleep is the best part of the day.