While
Subway make excellent sandwiches at a reasonable price in pleasant surroundings, the true genius of the place is none of these. If it paid better, or the
uniforms were nice, or I wasn't such an elitist dick, I'd want to work at
Subway - for the simple reason that the opportunities for
double-entendre and sexually-
risqué comment is simply unmatched anywhere else in the world.
"Only a regular size? Can't you
take the full twelve inches?"
"Can I interest you in a
meaty six-incher?"
"Here's your
Subway Club Card. You get one sticker on it for each six inches you have."
"You'll have to wait a few minutes. We're waiting for our
six inchers to rise."
"Would you like yours a footlong, Sir?"
"I bet you're gagging for some meat between your buns"
You get the idea. Unfortunately, as a mere customer on the other side of the
Subway counter, I am regularly on the receiving end of these comments, ostensibly referring to my
sub preferences, but that cheekily belittle my
sexual technique, and even worse, my
girth.
The worst thing is that such quickfire comments, that undoubtedly are given out as part of the induction process at Subway, never fail to stun me into silence, or worse still, rattle me to the extent that I go red, mumble some sort of strange chuckle/snort by way of response, look a complete fool in front of the
Cute Subway Girl(TM), and then leave.
It is only when back
in the privacy of my own attic that I think up the wonderful cutting comeback that would have
Wiseass Subway Guy(TM) laughing and earn his eternal respect, while simultaneously winning the heart of
Cute Subway Girl(TM).
Surely this is the adult equivalent of being insulted in the
playground at
school and being forced to resort to "Well,
at least my Dad's not gay". Having no
witty response whatsoever with which to save your
schoolyard status, you leave sheepishly. Six hours later when you are sobbing in your bed, you come up with
the mother of all insults, but the moment has passed, and you are already known across your entire town as "
Gay Dave The Poo-Collector".