there are too many people here, in between the exhilerating rides and the games which no one ever wins and the
multitude of booths containing various deliciously fattening delicacies. there are too many people here, but never the kind of people you want to be here. it's only the moms and dads and their six year old sons whose
innocence plays guiltily upon the father's conscious as he tries to be the hero, tries to win some grand prize for his special little boy; only the nonchalant
teens, courageously
skipping school so they might come out and impress none other than the ones who are trying to impress none other than the ones who are never impressed by riding the most terrifying rides and seeing who can hold a cigarette in their hand in the way that seems like it is attached to their withering,
nicotene-infected physical existence; only the farmers and crafters, the
punks and the preps, and the middle-aged women seeking to eat their problems into
oblivion.
it always smells like deep-fried, petrified humans when you weave throughout the crowd. impotence accomponies the futile attempt to blend into some mass of people who are all so enthralled by these mundane musings. smoke is in the rides, in the air, and in the eyes of the oldest here. the largest, the fastest, the smallest, the most amazing--everything here is in some way superlative. it's all just a contest, but the rims are always too small for the balls they give me.
i wanted them to stop the ride because it was going too fast, far too fast for this young girl, but they didn't and so i cried. i wanted to say no to trying to be cool, but i couldn't find my voice, so i went along with the crowd and smelled like them and tasted everything in shades of comparison as they did. i wanted to stay for the fireworks, because far back in my mind, i knew this silly little existence was just a painting and the explosions made it melt in such a beautiful way. but they didn't stay so i didn't.
it's always, will you go, are you going, did you go.. but why go? this place spins you around in more ways than being on the gravitron. and it's the only thing on the news this week, the only thing on anyone's mind this week, but i'm getting slightly nauseous and i want to get off.
i remember.. being a child all things were as innocent as i. what reason do we have to suspect something when we are ignorant of the present and future evil which exists within ourselves? but now these simple things cannot be so simple. there is always some meaning attached to this place, that word, everything. the fair is ruined and sickly because it is so in my mind. the carnies are evil, maniacal goblins who want to kill us all and sacrifice us in the ring of fire. how do i erase certain thoughts when the trains roll up into town and why am i relieved only when they depart?
fireworks are so deadly, but they aren't so when the right people are there to protect you. right now, everyone is here and everything is evil. where is this enlightenment, where is this elation, where are you.. ?