Today I went out on the fjord with my dad in his boat. It was one of the most relaxing experiences I've had in a couple weeks, and I wish I did it more often. Nag him to bring me along whenever his shift work has him around, instead of out at sea. We got to talk a bit about Life and such. How to find work, challenges and bonuses of working day to day, that sort of thing.
I've started another new job at a warehouse, this time for one of the big textile chains that sell curtains and pillows all over the country. My job is monotonous and simple, just scan the thing on the screen, repeat until the screen is empty and package the pallets for shipment. It's the only kind of job I seem to be able to get, since the economy is at a point where job saturation is high, and I have few marketable skills that are sought after.
I find it peculiar that most jobs want somebody with at least five years experience, even if the job is seemingly simple. It's odd that businesses demand applicants for simple, menial office work to have at least a bachelor's degree in some adjacent field, before even considering their applications.
Unless of course, you know people. Or you know a guy who knows someone. Thing is, I've never been good at knowing people over time. Usually, I fall out of touch with someone within a month of meeting them. There's something in my behavior or psyche that doesn't allow for long term relationships with most humans I don't socialize with daily. This is a challenge that makes job hunting more difficult, not to mention keeping more than a couple friends.
A couple years back, I broke contact with my previous circle of friends. I was ostracized when I tried to eek my way back in, so I didn't care for it. Rumours were spread about me, no doubt by my ex who was also in the same circle. After that, I've been lonely. Very lonely. To make matters worse, I dropped out of my university college economy course for various reasons, one of which involves depression, others involve differences of opinion about observed reality.
The last few years after dropping out, I've lived month to month in temp jobs, faced myself on the way out the door and fixed my life up a little. I'm still depressed, and just now realizing how long I have been, and how deep a hole I've managed to function in. I no longer come late to work several times a month, I try to pay bills on time, I've quit nicotine, for good this time, and I've cut down on parts of my life that made me feel sick and unhealthy.
But it's really not enough if I still don't know how to live with working every day. There must be some code, some trick to managing endless droning monotony without going completely insane. There should be. There has to be. I can feel each beep of my barcode scanner, sanding away what's left of my personality, leaving behind something I don't recognize anymore. Who the fuck would a 5 years younger version of me, think I was? How sad would I not seem to myself, scrabbling like a rat in a wheel to survive for no other reason than to be.
I can't get no satisfaction. And I whine.
Thanks for reading.