While at an Oingo Boingo concert back in 1995, a good friend of mine told me that the easiest way to get through a humogous throng of people at an event such as a concert is to shout out something that will make people get out of your way. His two favorites were "woman in labor" and "hot coffee."

The very next day I was relating the tactic to a co-worker and accidentally said that the two phrases were "hot coffee" and "dead baby." This surprised her a bit, and she asked me if he'd ever actually shouted "dead baby" in a crowd before. All of a sudden I realized my mistake and felt really, really stupid. I told her the right phrase, and then suddenly we both started laughing at how funny it would be to hear someone shout that at a rock concert. From then on, the words hot coffee and dead baby became a terribly sick joke between the two of us.

One of the best ways I've found to get through a crowd was an accidental discovery. One night, while being goofy with some friends, I came across one of the optimal methods for parting the masses; the Diva walk. How precisely does one diva walk, and how does it help you get through a crowd? I'll explain below grasshopper, in easy to follow steps.

Step One: Concentration Although the Diva Walk is most useful in noisy places like clubs or the clustering outside of concerts, one must be able to turn off any external stimuli and focus upon yourself. Once you have gained that focus you are ready for step two.

Step Two: Attitude Now that you are focused upon yourself, you must gain the proper attitude. Imagine you are the center of the universe. Everyone around you is inconsequential and beneath your notice. You are so far beyond mere fabulousness that the greatest poets in history would stand there furrowing their brows trying to find words adequate enough to describe your greatness. Your every whim is of paramount importance, world leaders should hold summits every time you decide you want your toast on wheat instead of white. When you think you can shoot laser beams from your eyes and the floor glows where you just stepped, you are ready for step three.

Step Three: Posture This is the easiest step. It's very simple, assume a posture that is appropriate for a being of such radiant glory. Head high, chest out, buttocks taut. Imagine you glow like a star in the darkness.

Step Four: The Walk Once you have completed the first three steps, you are ready for the walk. Once you have assumed the posture and are aware of your own greatness, step through the crowd. The walk is absolutely crucial, imagine you are a supermodel on the runways of Paris or Milan and strut. You're too sexy for this crowd. If you have done it properly the crowd should part like the red sea before Moses and everyone's head will turn with jealousy and awe.

It is interesting to note that some people have a better chance of success at a proper Diva Walk depending on the song that is playing at the time. I personally find "I'm your Venus and 100% Pure Love to be especially conducive to a really well-done Diva Walk, while a friend of mine prefers Nasty Boys and Vogue. I like to rate the success of the Diva Walk on a scale of Diana Rosses. At a rate of .5 Miss Rosses, you will be able to move through the crowd with ease, with a few people accidentally bumping into you. At two Miss Rosses, people will seem to be repulsed away from you by an invisible field and there will be about a three foot radius of space around you at all times. At an incredible 4 Miss Rosses, you can stomp on people's toes hard enough to cause tears and they will beg *you* for forgiveness. A rate of 10 Miss Rosses is only theoretical and would probably result in the total destruction of life as we know it.