Mom-fu is cumulative--Once you have it, you never lose it. Grandmothers always have more Mom-fu than their daughters. Some fathers can also accrue small amounts of Mom-fu, though most prefer to win Dad-fu instead.
Here is a rough guide to Mom-fu:
- Add 100 for each week the cuts took to heal
- Add a bonus 500 if you ate your own placenta
- Add a further 500 if your partner ate some of it
- Add 10 for each bra size you inflated in the two weeks after birth.
- Add another 10 for each bra size you shrank after you stopped breastfeeding.
- Add 20 per occasion of pooping on posh friend’s carpet
- Add 10 per occasion of wee-ing on posh friend’s carpet
- Add 10 per occasion of pooping or wee-ing in own home
- Add 2 points for each episode of Teletubbies you watched
- Add 10 points for each videotape that you wore out
- Add 100 for each video player you wore out
- Add 5 for every sleepless night.
- Add 50 for each time you got up to save your partner from having to get up.
- Add 50 for each illness your sub-2 year old suffered.
- Add 3 for each time you wiped his/her nose
- And 10 more for each time you wiped his/her ass.
- Add 2 for every banana you mashed up
- Add 20 for each banana that got on your clothes.
- Add 20 for each top that got ruined because of stains on the shoulder
- Add 50 for each time you cleared up the vomit between 6 am and10 pm
- Add 100 for each time you cleared up the vomit at any other time
- Add 50 for each child that learned to walk
- Add 50 each time they are first among their peers to hit a milestone.
- Add 500 each time they are last among their peers to hit a milestone.
- Add 10 for each time you left them with someone else and they cried.
- Add another 20 for each time they stopped the instant you were out of sight
- Add 10 for each time they came running to you needing a cuddle
- Add 50 for each time they ran to someone else needing a cuddle.
- Add 200 points for the first day at school.
- Add 30 points for each time they said, “I Love you Mommy” unprompted
- Add 50 points for each card they made for you
- Add 100 points for each bottle of cheap perfume they bought for your birthday
- Add another 10 for each time you shouted at them.
- And another 20 for each time you didn’t shout at them.
- Add 50 for the first sleepover party
- Add 100 for each subsequent sleepover party
- Add 100 for the first time they went away on their own
- Add another 200 if you stopped yourself from calling them
- Add 500 points when you told them the facts of life
- Add another 500 if you answered all their questions. Truthfully
- Add 200 when they go on their first real date.
- Add 200 for each boyfriend/girlfriend you didn’t approve of
- Add 100 for each time the headteacher calls you in to discuss your child’s work
- Add 200 for each time the police call you in to take your child home.
- Add 100 for each large electrical appliance they break
- Add 200 when you first find them drunk, or using drugs
- Add 1000 when they finally go off to college or find a home elsewhere.
- Add another 100 each time they ask you for money.
- Add 100 each time a relative tells you how great they are
- Add another 500 for each time they bring home a boyfriend/girlfriend you approve of
- Add another 1000 when they finally stop asking you for money.
- Add 1000 for your first grandchild
- And 1000 more for each subsequent.