it's strange to realize that the evidence has been there all along. a poorly made web page, a video with a stupid name, a stupid premise. everything you'd expect from a pornographer.

i was a freshman in college, out of money, depressed and consequently apathetic. i was out of cigarettes. i saw an ad in the newspaper. i called, made an appointment. he came to my dorm room with lights and a video camera. and vaseline. he had me stand up against the wall, lean over the bed. no fucking, just me, bent over. there's a video capture on the webpage. i recognized my comforter.

somehow, i rationalized it. i thought no one would see it. but i saw it. and anyone could. 19.95 + 3.50 shipping. 'a buck a babe!' that hundred dollars is long spent.

i remember very little of that afternoon. i remember him putting on the vaseline and the baby oil, professional and yet my mind went all numb. and then, walking out of the dorm. it was cold. i cut through a grade school's muddy field, down the hill to the store that smelled like rotten plums. bought a carton of kamel red lights, diet pepsi, york peppermint patties. i was shaking as i lit a cigarette outside. i didn't want to go back to my dorm room.

there have been times since, i've tried to find it, going to porn shops knowing only the name of the production company. it was a big joke. i brought friends. now, i'm not sure whether i want to see the video or not. i thought i wouldn't care. i guess i do.

I sat on the docks, hours past sun running off
watchful moon accepting the night
She crawled to me, new, and spoke
the silence prayed fall on taciturn sea
the words so drowsy fell to the waves,
we hold them so high our eyes gleaming
we hold them so high to remember
as heads falling seek comfort
as company warmth
our words with us fall to sleep


"tomorrow, stand still in your timid path," we shout,
"allow us sleep, let us requite
I will be quiet, attentive, respond to each word,
it's the only way I can go"
Autumn rushed to us
her youthful visage shushed
the melody had grown shy, to pause in weary respite,
and eyes would meet across carpet so vast
playfully stealing away

and to affirm is so simple; we smile to know
and the sun breaks across us
resignation so clear
I watch her shoulder as she speaks
'near today he told me I was dying,'

and the words evade us, our mouths broken still
our eyes rest watchful, to lament aimless,
and gasp to remember, to please let us revive
but dusk comes tomorrow, days still leaving her
we come to assent, speech need not be shared
aquiescence so passive
the waves bash the pillars wooden, refuse to relent
my head rested there still


and the waves hold us beneath them
they beat down our arms, our tired grasps
they fracture the moon in our eyes