Few things are more eyecatching than a beautiful head of bright purple hair. Not only do many sexy hair colors not exist in nature, but a nice head of vibrantly artificial hair is a great icebreaker leading to conversations with attractive members of whichever gender may appeal to you at the moment. It is, however, difficult and not to be undertaken lightly, for great danger awaits you in the beauty supply store, specifically, the danger of either destroying your hair and making it fall off, or having a bad dye job that not only looks stupid but causes you to be ostracized, leading to a life alone in the forest, subsisting roots and grubs and wearing animal skins. And we don't want that, because fur is murder.

Ante Scriptum: Sorry about the length. I wanted to be detailed because nothing in life is worse than destroying your hair. Ok, many things are worse than destroying your hair, but why do it if you can avoid it?

Before you begin You need the following:

• Powder bleach. Half a packet is one bleaching for short hair; longish hair requires a full packet and very long or thick hair requires two per bleaching. You will probably be bleaching your hair multiple times, and buy extra just in case. I usually buy three and if I only use two, I have one for next time.
• Dye. There are several brands, notably Manic Panic, Punky Colors, and Special Effects. Manic Panic stains less and runs less, but it won't last as long or look as intense. Special Effects is on the other end of the spectrum. For dark, vivid colors, use Special Effects, but remember: it will run in the shower, in the rain, and when you sweat. If it runs in a public place, it may look very odd. Punky Colors runs and stains a lot, but it doesn't look much different than Manic Panic, and therefore I don't recommend it. You can buy dye at Sally Beauty, Hot Topic, or the internet, and for the best selection, I'd stick with the net.
• Developer for the bleach. It comes in 10, 20, 30, and 40 'volume' which refers to the amount of peroxide. Read below for more information.
• A tint brush or old tooth brush. Beauty supply store.
• A small non-metal cup to mix the bleach in.
• Hair drier.
• Lots of heavy conditioner. (Stay away from anything expensive. You're poor (or I am anyway) and it's a ripoff).
• Plastic wrap (or processing caps if you prefer).
• Vaseline.
• Old, ucky clothes. Wear a button-down shirt so you can remove it without pulling it over your head (and hair).
• A whole lot of time, and a friend to help you if possible.

This takes some time, most notably while the dye is on your head. I like to start on Saturday morning, or Friday night if I'm not doing anything, on a weekend when I have lots of homework. The intervening stages look really weird, so you'll probably want to spend the weekend in your room. Going out in public with plastic wrap on your head looks, um, unusual. And remember: this damages your hair greatly! At least if you want it to look good. Don't do this on two feet of hair, unless you plan on cutting it off sometime soon. If your hair is extremely precious to you, you might not want to do this - damaged, straw-like hair is not fun.

Bleach

The important thing to realize is that you will have to bleach your hair into submission. This is true even if you're blonde and definitely if you have any shade of brown hair. Bleach is highly alkaline, which damages the hair, tearing up the cuticle on the surface of the strands. The upshot of this is that it makes the hair much more porous, which allows the dye molecules to penetrate more easily. Permanent hair dyes are alkaline - they contain ammonia (or similar chemicals in the case of ammonia-free dyes) - and that allows them to penetrate the hair shaft. Exotic hair colors are different. They contain only dyes, no oxidants or alkalines, and they need help to get inside the hair strand. That's why you bleach your hair first. It serves more purpose than simply lightening the hair. Plus, dark blonde or light brown hair that has dye on top of it looks terrible - unless muddy greenish-brown hair is your thing. On medium to dark hair, don't expect anything visible to happen at all without bleaching.

You may well need to bleach your hair multiple times, depending on its darkness. My naturally dark brown hair needs to be bleached 3-4 times before it is light enough. You will want to buy a powder bleach (make sure it says that it will lighten hair at least 7 shades - you want your hair really light). You will mix the powder bleach with developer, available in big bottles in beauty supply stores. I use 40-volume developer, the strongest that is commonly used. If you have medium to light blonde hair, one bleaching with 20 volume may well be enough; light to medium brown hair should be bleached once or twice with 30-volume developer. You will have to do a certain amount of experimentation to determine exactly what is right for your hair.

Bleach it for 45 minutes at a time - any more than that, and the oxidizers in the bleach are used up, and you're just sitting with strong base etching away your scalp for no good reason. I recommend you bleach your hair no more than twice in one day, and wait at least 24 hours after that. The hair will be equally damaged either way but the scalp is living tissue, and it can be burned by the bleach. Rinse it out and wash the bleach out with a very gentle shampoo.

You're done bleaching when your hair is pale yellow, a color generally likened to the inside of a banana peel. Any lighter, and you've fried your hair. Any darker, and you'll get a noticeable yellow cast to whatever dye you've selected.

Dye

Before you apply the color, rub Vaseline in a very thick layer on your entire hairline. I recommend a streak about an inch and a half wide, longer if you have long hair - this stuff stains skin too.

Now you apply the color. Apply it to totally dry hair (there is no good reason to dilute the color by having wet hair). I highly recommend getting a friend's help, but if not, at least have several mirrors. Use a tint brush to brush it into the hair; brush until the dye is slightly frothy. Be gentle, though - brushing can be damaging to hair, and your hair has already been through enough! Leave the dye on the hair and cover it with plastic wrap or a processing cap. Tap it on well with scotch tape. You're going to leave this on your hair for several hours. I usually aim for about 12 hours, and usually sleep through most of it. Apply heat with a hairdryer for about a half an hour, and then after that whenever you feel like it (don't get too hot - you don't want to melt the bag or cause brain damage). Make sure it stays at least warm (your body heat should do that, though) and at least occasionally hot, which encourages the deposit of dye.

Afterwards

When it's done, rinse it out in the shower. Some people recommend rinsing the hair with vinegar at this point to encourage the color to stay, but I've never tried it. Now you have to condition your hair. Towel dry it, and apply a heavy conditioner or hair treatment, wrap the hair in plastic yet again, and apply heat for at least half an hour. Keep the hair hot (but not so hot it's uncomfortable) to allow the conditioner to penetrate well. You are going to have to condition your hair a lot, especially at first.

Don't shampoo your hair for at least three days (I usually go a week). Shampoo washes out color, damages the hair, and damages the scalp. Your hair will be dry enough that it doesn't need to be cleaned anyway. And the dye is most prone to fading when its fresh.

Most days, especially at first, you will just rinse your hair thoroughly in the shower (expect the dye to run for the first few days and then whenever you shampoo), and stick conditioner on it. Let it sit for at least five minutes (brush your teeth in the shower if you get bored). Be gentle with your hair! Don't rub it too much with a towel, don't comb it too much, and condition it a lot! If your hair is really dry, apply conditioner, wrap it in plastic, and go to bed. Never shampoo except when it needs it - if it gets oily or has a lot of styling products that won't rinse off. After the first week, wash your hair at least twice a week, but no more than every other day.

Conclusion

Now you have a head full of brilliantly bizarre hair. Expect people to stare at you in the street. If you are easily paranoid, this might be bad because now they really are staring at you. Keep in mind some older folk, no matter how wholesome you might appear, might assume that you are somehow dangerous or thuggish. On the other hand, I've met little old ladies who are very cool about it. Your mileage may vary.

For root touch-ups, use the same or weaker developer, and one bleaching is enough (I use 30-volume developer for about half an hour.) I do these every three weeks. Just brush the bleach into your roots; don't bleach the rest of your hair if you can avoid it. Apply the color to the entire head of hair (because it's no doubt fading a great deal), and let it stay for at least eight hours. Condition and you're done.

A note on salons

There is nothing unique or special about the hair products available to salons; professional-grade dyes and bleaches are identical to those sold to consumers, except they tend to be sold in larger, more convenient packages. I don't recommend visiting a stylist simply for the salon hair products.

A decent colorist is capable of doing amazing things to your hair, and the expertise is applying colors, doing streaks, and bleaching your hair without destroying your scalp is useful, as is having someone else to deal with the towels. But it's also terribly expensive, and you'll have to look around to find a good colorist, since there's a lot of bad ones.

The only way the salon process will be faster is if they leave the dye on for a shorter period of time. With a semiperm dye like Special Effects, that means it will fade more quickly. Part of the advantage of my method is that it will last for weeks without touch-ups, and if you've tried before, you've seen how quickly these dye-jobs can fade.

Expect to spend several times as much going to a salon. Salon coloring is expensive. However, there is something to be said for not screwing up your scalp, burning off your hair, or having to watch a heap of stained towels. If you're going for a special streaky effect (and care about it looking good), having a professional do it is about your only option. Otherwise, it's up to you.

As going with strange, unnatural colors is typically something done by those in high school or college, age groups where money is typically in short supply, but time is not, it is good to have detailed instructions on doing your own wild colored hair at home.

But for those of you who have some extra spending money, along with the desire for a technicolor appearance, I would highly recommend doing some searching for a salon which will do the color for you, if one is available in your area. Why?

• The primary reason is appearance. While you can surely get even bleaching and even color application yourself, it's a lot easier for someone else to do. They don't have to struggle to see all the way around your head, and they surely have a lot more experience applying bleach and color to hair. If you're going for a multicolor appearance, this is even more important - a decently experienced and skilled stylist/colorist has no problems getting straight streaks, bleaching just the roots, or doing the tips in an even line. A stylist is also a lot less likely to accidentally fry your hair or scalp with too much/too strong bleach.

• You also will get some sort of guarantee with your hair. I've never been to a salon where they wouldn't touch up the cut or color if you get out and about, and realize that something is wrong. If you screw up your own hair, you either have to try again, or go pay someone to fix what you did.

• Time. How Excalibre describes the process, it'll take you at least a full day, if not a full weekend. Go to a salon, and you're looking at a few hours maximum. Eat lunch, get your hair taken care of, and then go off and do other things with your newly colored hair. This occurs without loss of quality - bleachings are nice and light with salon-quality bleach, without taking nearly as long. And with the help of the dryer in the salon, you'll have nice and intense color after about 30-45 minutes, without needing all day. I may just be blessed with hair that holds the dye well, but by the time I had noticable fading, it was time to go get the color redone because of how much my hair had grown out - I never had to touch it up. It looked good right up until the end.

• You don't need to clean up the mess. Sure, you'll still get stained sinks, tubs, towels, and anything else that comes in contact with your wet hair. But that mess is nothing compared to the potential mess while doing the color. When I'm done with mine, my stylist (who's messy, admittedly), usually has brightly colored hands, spots on her shoes (which are already covered in colors from doing just this), has turned 2-3 towels bright colors, and left a bunch of stains on the floor. Myself, I don't need to clean up anything.

• Finally, with a willing and experienced stylist, you can do more unusual color combinations and patterns. Some things are just extremely difficult to do yourself, as you're limited in dexterity and sight when working on your own hair.

I'm not saying don't do it yourself - just remember that, like with many things, having someone experienced and with more resources doing it can yield better and/or faster results. And if you have the means to afford having it done at a salon, you'll likely be happier with the results.

One last note - if you do decide to find a salon, be ready to do a lot of calling around. Most hair salons don't exactly have much demand for unnatural colors, thus don't have anyone who can do it. If and when you find a place that does it well, treasure them, for they are few. Even better is to get a recommendation for a place first - Andromache01 informs me that she had a really bad experience with color at a salon, to the point that she could have done better herself, one handed, in the dark. I'd also check on the brand of dye they use for their color, and I'd recommend Special Effects as the brand of choice for getting vibrant color.

Reading the writeups above, you might get the impression, as I did, that their authors have the sort of hair that, when a breeze hits it, everything goes slow motion. Glossy pink or puple manes that wave where they should wave and straighten where they should straighten. These are clearly people whose hair doesn't frizz in the rain, whose ponytails don't have persistent and inexplicable lumps, whose ends are not split, whose roots are not showing. If their hair betrayed them on a regular basis, would they give it such doting attention? Surely not.

Sadly, we are not all gifted with beautiful, obedient hair. There is a second class of hair-growers, those of us whose hair never does as it's told and view it as a plaything at best, a target for abuse at worst.

We've learned the hard way that no amount of conditioning or dyeing will make our hair look good. Whatever the ads promise, we'll somehow screw it up or our follicles will somehow reject it. That's why the good people at Phoenix Brands LLC have given us Rit dye. Rit is a cheap alternative to fancy-pants stuff like Manic Panic. It fades quickly and involves fewer steps that regular hair dye.

Of course, there are lots of good reasons people don't dye their hair with Rit. Number one is that Manic Panic is pretty easy to come by these days. Dyeing this way can cause severe burns and back cramps, and is almost guaranteed to damage your hair. You won't be able to dye your roots and it won't cover up your natural color.

So there's your warning. If you're still up for some DIY foolishness, follow me:

1. Prepare your hair. Rit is not going to do anything to black, dark brown, or short hair. (If you have short hair, stop now and come back when your hair reaches your shoulders, at least.) For truly unnatural results, you'll need bleached hair. If you prefer to leave your hair its natural color, keep in mind that you'll only be tinting it and keep your choice of color in the warm family - red, orange, pink, or purple.
2. Color selection is crucial here. Try to get a shade darker than the color you want and stay away from anything pastel unless your hair is white like the driven snow.
3. You'll need a package of dye, a teapot (maybe two), and a towel. Acquire these things.
4. Fill the teapot and put it on the stove. While you await its telltale whistle, clip your towel around your neck so it covers your shoulders. Wash out your bathroom sink if you think there might be toothpaste or other funky stuff in there.
5. Take your kettle into the bathroom. Stop the sink and dump at least half a package of dye in there. Empty your boiling water into the sink. (If your sink is really deep, you may need two teapots. And if you need two teapots, you need a whole package of dye.)
6. When the steam has died down enough that it's not likely to burn you, bend forward and dip your hair in. Start slow and dip your hair in further, stopping when your head feels uncomfortably warm. You don't want to boil your scalp (much).
7. Move your head as you dye, trying to bend back and forth so that the hairs on the left and right can get deeper into the water. If you can, turn around and bend backwards over the sink to get the hairs at the back of your head.
8. Keep your head in until the water is lukewarm, then pull your head out and gently pat dry.
9. As much as possible, avoid shampooing or wearing white.

There you have it! An archaic and dangerous way of doing something that could be done safely and easily for a few dollars more. Enjoy!

Ok, really now, don't do this. I used to do it in high school and it is really possible, but I did a lot of stupid shit in high school that I wouldn't encourage others to emulate.