February 5, 2001

the boy stood alone and thought. i stood alone.

i'm listening to these songs i can never play, thinking of dreams that will never happen. and i'm sick with
self pity and hate, hate at what i am, a coward.

i have no voice yet i must scream.

i can't say what will happen.
the one thing i can say is this.. i'm scared shitless..
it's easy for you to stand there and say that i'm whining. tell me this, master, how can someone
see the light when they've been in shadows forever?
we are all worthless.

Note: I am a very melodramatic person. If you don't want to read a bunch of self-absorbed whiny bullshit, do both of us a favor and skip to the next wu.

I know I should get next to you
You've got a look that makes me think you're cool
But it's just sexual attraction
Not something real so I'd rather keep wackin'

Why bother? It's gonna hurt me
It's gonna kill when you desert me
This happened to me twice before
It won't happen to me anymore

I've known a lot of girls before
What's the harm in knowing one more?
Maybe we could even get together
Maybe you could break my heart next summer

It's a crying shame I'm all alone
Not with you, nor her, nor anyone
Won't you knock me on my head
Crack it open let me out of here

-Weezer

Ever feel like you have put your life on pause? Here I am .. 19 years old. First year college student, commuting from home. And, I feel like I am the same person I was as a high school junior, .. if not a worse person. At least I had direction then.

Of course, it is in my personality to easily become overwhelmed by internal thoughts, to have them bounce around and around chaotically like a tennis ball in a racquetball court.. so it is best (for my sake) that I specify what is bothering me, exactly, rather than talking in vague terms.

It boils down to two things: Human contact, and purpose. In a way, this is all that life boils down to, and I feel that I don't have either one down.

Human contact: I am a very selfish person. I am not able to forgive my parents. They betrayed me when I was younger and I still have not forgiven them. This is because I feel that they are still betraying me by being so dysfunctional and showing me a bad model of interpersonal relationships. I am unsure of the extent of this current, extended betrayal is real and of the extent that is merely perceptual.

Because of this betrayal, I have shut my parents out of my life. Almost every word I mutter to either one of them is a perfunctory act with little care. Every sound I hear from either my mother or father go across the paper-thin walls of this 1-bedroom apartment into my room upsets me. At graduation, my mother said something to the effect of: "I didn't help him in anyway. He did this all on his own."

I have recently come to realize, that this behavior is perhaps nonsensical and unwarranted upon my part. But, my reason cannot win over my emotions. I have no control, right now. I think it comes down to that I still resent, and even fear (to an extent) my parents.

I would like to move out of the house to rectify this situation.. However, if I do I will have to become 100% financially independent as well. (I already have a full scholarship..) Because of studies, I believe I can only do 20 hours of work without affecting my GPA. I haven't looked very actively to find a job with a wage that I can afford to live on with such a short timetable.. Perhaps I need to swallow my pride and take out a student loan next semester.

Friends. I do not feel very connected to my friends.. Ira. When I lost my interest in video games we lost our common ground. Brandon.. We have common ground but are not close friends. The debate crew.. No common ground.. not close.

Friends (and sometimes more) of the opposite sex. Tara.. We both deluded ourselves into thinking we were in "love", when this facade came apart I felt deeply hurt and betrayed. Meredith and Lindsay.. I was too scared to pursue either of these because of my previous, even though there was mutual interest. Katie. I am unsure of our relationship. At a time we were very interested in each other.. but now, because of outside constraints we see each other rarely (Once or twice a month...)

Katie is a very independent person. I wish, that, I could discuss this in detail with her, and that she could help me. But, I can't bring myself to do this.. She would think I'm a total nut. Plus, we aren't close enough where we could talk about these kinds of things. However, I have called her twice, as a sobbing mess .. I remember some of the things she said to me:

"Calm down. You're going to die of a heart attack before you're 20, and you're 19 now."

"You analyze everything. Everything you say has a quantifier, a clause, everything. You need to be like me and not think."

Thank you, Katie, for saying these things to me.

I think that one of my problems is that I look for Katie to be my life rather than someone to share it with. Although I have learned not to let this be known,
( I do not act obsessively, except for in my mind. None of this borderline stalker behavior. )
it still doesn't stop me from thinking it, and she probably still knows. (That, or she thinks I don't like her because I go at such lengths to not smother her.)

I perceive that she does not share the same enthusiasm for me that I share for her. It makes sense: After all, she is an independent person. While her life may not be all together (I don't know either way), it appears to be, and she isn't leaning on me. I, however, am looking to lean on her, but I am not..
( Am I making sense? )
"Someone" bless her heart,
( When we talk to each other, we use the term "Someone" instead of God, because she is atheist and I am agnostic. )
for putting up with me when I come to her. I am such a baby.

Purpose: By purpose, I mean, what I am to do in life. What I do to make a living. What I do for enjoyment. I don't know how to enjoy myself. I have been interested in two things for a long time, ever since I can remember: technology, and music.

Technology: I now view computers as a means to accomplish a purpose rather than a purpose in themselves. The problem is: What can I use a technology for? This technology for the sake of technology bullshit bugs the hell out of me. And I have no idea what I want to use technology for.

And I am STILL a CS major. I'm good at it, and I got into it because of interest, but, damnit. The sad thing is, I cannot think of a better major for myself. Maybe math. I have always loved math. But what am I going to accomplish with a math degree? Maybe EE. But I don't really know anything about that ..

Avid computer users (at least the ones at my school) bug the hell out of me. Another reason to dislike the computer angle. Talking to some of them is like talking to slashdot, incarnated as a person. I am tired of the fucking Monty Python, Star Wars, and HHGTTG quotes. You know what? I realize that there is no reason I should hate these things. But I do.

I hate the way some of them spout off ideas without any real justification. I hate listening to someone rant about how evil Microsoft or AOL is when they can't give reasons why.

"Visual basic is a piece of crap language."
"Can you tell me why it's bad?"
"It doesn't support as many things as C++."
"I know someone programs professionally in VB. His company just rolled out a full scale database written entirely in VB, and he gets paid good money to use it."
"Well, just because it can be used to write professional applications doesn't mean it's not a bad language."
"Can you tell me why it's bad?"
"Well, it tries to be object oriented but it's really not."

Um, thanks for the great reasons. I love how enumerated they are.

Well, I take back what I said a bit ago.. I have thought of one end I could use computers as a means for. Graphic design. The only problem is, I am not good at it. I have tried to learn about it. I have tried to mess with it. But I never do well. My school has a very small arts department and there are no design specific courses.

I don't know how to enjoy myself.. Blah. I really have written enough for one night. My arm hurts. And everytime I write something it comes out the same as before.

Now, NBC is showing advertisements at the bottom of the screen during movies!

Anyhow, here comes the end of the weekend, how quickly they go by... I spend the some of the time trying to set some goals. Lose weight, organize my studio, read some good books, cook some great food, wait, there is some compatibility problem here....

But seriously, I got this book called "Wishcraft" that is supposed to help you define your goals. I had a real problem with the exercises in the book, because they are hard to think about. You start with "Who am I" and work up to "What are my goals". And this goal thing is starting to scare me. I mean, what if I find out I am meant for bigger and better things? What if my money-grubbing-pursuit of my job is not what I'm "supposed to be doing"?

On the other hand, the daily grind could provide me funding to pursue something grander later.

Then again, maybe I'll get hit by a Mack truck tomorrow.

Hey! The Fugitive is back on!!! Gotta go.....

THIS IS TODAY.
I call today
seven not seen

It’s pumping into my ears it’s throbbing in my head,
telling me I’m halfway between being born and being dead.

It pulls at what it can, it pulls forward.
Can you hear it by looking in my eyes saying “no way but downward”
Can’t all be true

these intricate melodies of blue.

Create their own atmosphere they’re in me now, always near.

The flute can’t be found it’s time to compromise...
reap what I sew this is all no surprise

Won’t the lifelong audition please conclude?
For once let me be booed.
But not pulled off the stage,
I’ll always be wishing

I stayed

Fatigue a swell, lies another tale to tell

It’s my own lock, my own combination
my own fee, my own exploitation

This intoxicating rhythm in my mind
it ends I’m robbed blind

Gone now downward I go,
if there is only one stage this had better not be the last show.

THIS IS TODAY.

I went to a party last night.

I get in, after payin' 4 bucks and rejectin' the beer cup, immediately notice there's a lot of people, and I head into what may or may not be the living room, where I met up with kat and, later, joel, along with the fellows I came with. After standing upstairs, listening to people talk about drugs, specifically mushrooms, I decided to head down w/ TJ, punk-rock-Sean, Nick, Merritt, Smarmy Shawn, and some guys I didn't know. I find a place to sit on a couch and proceed to sit there, watching my roommate, TJ et al do stupid things. Punk-rock-sean was dressed like a member of Judas Priest, and after listening to some Manowar, was wanting to be totally metal, regardless.

I should point out now that P.R. Sean got the clothes from my roommate, Merritt.

I sit there for a while, then, suddenly, about, oh, everyone but 2 of the people I came with decided to leave to go see The Living Canvas thing (AKA Artsy Nekkid People, which was really cool, as I had seen it the night before). So, I'm there, all the way by BroMann hospital, wondering if they've hijacked TJ and Nick (Nick being one with a car). So, I spent the rest of the night sitting on the couch really really really hoping someone was there that would drive me home, all the while really wondering what this girl-with-a-tequila-shirt-on's name was. The GWATSO offered to kiss me when I made some what I thought was below the level of hearing comment about a toll, but I'm pretty sure she was drunk and mistook my beard for a well-tanned and highly defined jawline.

After TJ finally comes downstairs to fetch me as they're about to leave, I run into the GWATSO, who proceeds to grope me and then I leave and get into the car w/ TJ and Nick, and discuss the rather vile, angry vibe that the place had, following a-girl-who-I-should-really-know-her-name-but-don't all over creation, dropping off some-two, and then heading off towards the other side of Bloomington, ending up at someone-who-I-don't-know's house, and then I proceed to sit in a corner, listening to two kids, what I assume to be 20 year olds in Tommy Hilfinger gear, talking like gray haired forty-year olds wearing plaid on a golf course. Corporate Ravers. After listening to the Corpo-Ravers talk about Phat Pants and indications of rebelliousness and, therefore, a possible peer-to-peer marketing technique, and how Phat Pants (and they spoke like it was copywritten) were no longer indicative of true "Raveness" (I shit you not), and how the new label was 611, which means that they really want to be twice as cool as 311, but they can't do math very well (not to mention the fact that 311 sucks).

I then walked up to TJ, who was sitting in another corner in a lay-z-boy-esque seat talking to the above AGWISRKHRNBD girl, then, magically, a loveseat opened up, and she sat there, and TJ and Nick sat there, and I finally had seat to myself, and I watched the TV w/ some group (whoever did the theme to Trainspotting {the DVD was Underworld:Live, I have found out since then}) throwing this insanely huge gig, looking like the old pictures of Woodstock with the half a million people, and I got to watch people doing Air-Turntables, which looks kind of like Air-Guitar except less bad-ass and less aware of the self-parody aspect.

Then, we left, and I went home, and that was really the end of the evening, of which I found myself strangely upset, not only that I was abandoned not just once, but in all actuality twice, being taken to this house where I knew 2 people, the ones I had come with, and only one of them at all on the wellness scale, my anchors ripped up by these people I had never met, and, in all honesty, don't really care if I ever do, and torn away, and basically left knowing no-one, sitting in a corner, listening to stupid people talk about even stupider things. This whole last bit is my fault, I should have introduced myself, but I fully blame the first one on others, however, I thought of walking home (which was approx. from where the Lafayette Club all the way to my house, which is on the other side of the ISU campus), and decided, should I freeze to death, it wouldn't be that bad, really, compared to continued presence in the house with teenage-ravers drinking and pot-smoking and fuck knows what else running upstairs, into the bathroom for time-intervals far less than even the fastest piss in the West, all the while missing my girlfriend with ever increasing intensity, probably due to the above GWATSO and a really nasty case of curiosity.

Later, while talking to Smarmy Shawn (who was among those who had left me the first time), he said that he had tried to talk to people, but was simply ignored, and when he tried to talk to someone who didn't ignore him, another man made it perfectly clear by repeated elbows to his back that, "You're not supposed to talk to her, she's mine," as in ownership.

I've decided, basically, that though I like some electronic music a lot, that it's just not worth it 90% of the time to deal with such assholes to listen to shitty House that, while I support, don't really care for. Sorry. I hope you know what I mean.

But, all and all, it sucked, and I'm not sure who the blame lies with on this one.

I did learn something, though, I learned that the average woman deals with 3.5 ass grab/hour at a party, and I learned the very definition of a perky buttocks, thanks to a girl wearing really tight polka-dot spandex that were so tight if she were to bend over I'm almost positive I could see the creases of her anal sphincter.

Nothing seems right lately. I stumble through the days, barely doing anything of signifigance. I tinkered with my visual basic assignment most of saturday, it's done, but its of such poor quality I don't even want to look at it again. The sad part is there is no doubt in my mind that it will get me 100%.

More work, never a break. Constant stress, but it's for the best. Even now as I take the couple of minutes to write this node I am thinking too much. Of all the things that went wrong and I contemplate what could be. Stress blocks all that crap out. There are the breaks, the talks to the people back home but sometimes even those are stressfull.

I remebered thinking to myself on many occasions, that guy does what he wants, doesn't care what other people think and what's up with the fargo thing. There aren't enough people like that around, the world couldn't afford to lose him. I didn't really know him but it still hit me hard.

I can't help but wonder what's going to happen. Everyone is moving on. One of my sisters is leaving right around the time I go back home for the summer. Her friend is leaving too. What will my dad do, he wants to change, he wants to do something else. What will happen to my mom, will she ever stop smoking? What will happen to everyone? Life can be taken away so abruptly. Every night I go to sleep afraid that something will happen and every morning I wake up scared to death that something did happen. I still remember the call, she said "your dad had a heart attack last night, he's ok now they're at the hospital".
That was never supposed to happen...

I listen to the music that I remember from the past. It keeps me going. It helps me remember how it was and lets me reflect on how it is now. Always working hard giving us what we needed. The music brings on a flood of emotion, it pushes me to try harder. I must do something I can't fall back into the trap and I won't, i can't take shit from anyone.

If you could shut your brain off and have your body preserved for 1000 years when you woke up it would be like you just went to sleep. It would seem like you had only be out for a second. You would have time travelled 1000 years in a second. This idea fascinates me, it seems so unreal. Like blinking your eyes and everything changing.
Just a thought....

So many thoughts up in my head. I have to give my love to someone or i'm afraid I might lose it. I have to work harder at school or i'll fail. It's funny, I say fail but I really mean get marks around 82-87, that to me is a fail. I have to let go of the past, embrace the future. Will I make it? What will happen to the people that matter to me?

I haven't talked to anyone about it, they all think it best to leave it behind. They run from it, from what it did to me. I can't blame them. But there is no need to run now. I loved her, all the time not knowing she couldn't return that love. She guided me through one of the hardest parts of my life. It was hard to let go, but i've let it go. I will see her again but she's gone, what I thought might be what I wanted so badly, I see it could never be. Destiny made sure of that, it always has.

The penguins talk to me, well not really but they act as a conduit for my thoughts. Proud, confident, confused, exasperated.... they stand there staring at me. She gave them to me, I don't think she even knows what they mean to me.

I'm so close, just a few more things, just a little longer. I want to drive, I want to hit the road driving god knows where, the music playing the night and stars my only companions. I want to be small again, back in the car as the we drove across the country, through the towns on the cold dark nights, the street lights showing us the way. My mom and dad in the front seat of our old car. I stayed awake as long as I could, never took my eyes off the road if I could help it. I loved it, I want to feel that way again. Nothing else mattered my whole life was in that car, now it's everywhere in broken little pieces and the harder I try to pick them up the farther apart and more fragmented they get.

Still alone, I wait for the day to come when the future will open up and accept me.

I miss you, all of you.

Under an awning across the street from the restaurant where I, minutes ago, was hearing a Canada Council-sponsored reading of one of my most recent creative writing teachers, and my head is already swaying to the left in the preliminary arc of a "No, I don't want any / can't spare any change / am not about to let The Lord into my heart" when the lanky man of the mountains and (more likely) back alleys surprises me by pointing at my book (still One Hundred Years of Solitude, I'm almost embarrassed to admit), uttering a toothless but intentful grunt and giving a thumbs-up.

My wagging chin stops in its tracks - I smile and, unclear if my hairy and glowering-eyed accoster is verbal at all, engage the universal Groucho Marx eyebrow-waggle to indicate reception of his mimed message.

A toque-clad yuppie-in-training comes up to the bus stop, wary of the bum and button-clad Bohemian already there. My Muppety, animalistic companion turns to him and grunts again, points to my book, points to his forehead, mimes the flexing of bulging biceps. Mr. Toque looks at me for elaboration. I smile and look away - our bus is coming.

in our last episode... | p_i-logs | and then, all of a sudden...

I slept all day today. It was about 4:00 when I finally dragged my lazy ass out of bed. You would think that the previous night I did something fun or at least fried a few brain cells but no, I was watching TV and reading. I've been tired a lot lately. I think I need to eat better.

I think these daily logs are not so good. I'm tempted to just rant about my day. Did anything good happen today? Nothing particularly good or bad. My apartment is slightly cleaner. I'll be 39 in 4 days woo hoo. My girlfriend Umie, who lives in Atlanta will be visiting me here in San Jose, which is a good thing because I love her dearly. I just wish she would decide to live a bit closer.

My weekend does not deserve one daylog per day, so I shall write the whole thing up under today.

Friday

I was off work on Friday, as I was unwell. Flu. Nasty. Watched Cube and High Fidelity. Felt better

Saturday

Attended an all-day Bonsai class. Oh yes. I now have an 18 inch tall, 2 year old juniper tree and it's looking rather good. I intend to share my growing knowledge of bonsai with E2. I'm thinking about how to format/break up/node the various elements of the art. Images would make things easier, but I'm sure it'll be fine. Fun too.

Later, a bunch friends we went to a Tex-Mex restaurant in Chichester, where my mate (let's call him C) bought a straw 'cowboy' hat. Very odd thing to have on the menu. Very odd thing to later wear to the pub. He got lots of attention - at least half a dozen people asked him if he could have his hat. One even promised to post it back to him. An outlandish hat seems like a cunning ploy to get noticed. Remember it, single people.

Sunday

Sunday was much less fun. I did have a late morning, and slept until 10am. Bliss. The rest of the morning was frustrating in the extreme. I was trying to find a Lego Droid Developer Kit (the one that lets you make a cute R2-D2). It seems that nowhere in Hampshire stocks them. Eventually I gave up, figuring I could order it from Lego's Shop@Home service and at least have it to play with next weekend.

No.
30 day back-order.

Today

Today I am back at work. I have only had two phone calls so far - both wrong numbers.

Oh well. Nearly lunch time.

On E2, I inspected Node Heaven, to find that a blatently GTKY writeup had been killed. I transferred the information (about my dress code at work) to my homenode. Now, I shall look for more GTKY nodes which I have accidently fallen into. Easily done I suppose. Oh, and I'm slowly approaching level 5.

13:28

I have been slightly depressed again recently. Last night I found couple of bottles of cider so that really didn't matter that much...

I started to make some work of the game engine I call "Petal Fear" - clone of (original) Metal Gear's engine... Meanwhile, I eradictated the remnants of PHP from YiffCam hack (it now uses SSI and mod_perl only).

Argo/UML rocks, BTW. (I'm surprised that it's a Java program at it runs at adequeate speed. This machine has a 600 MHz processor and 128 megs of memory, but still, that speed sounded fairly ridiculous...)

Time to face the challenges of the day.

16:08

nighthowl:~$ uname -a
Linux nighthowl 2.4.1 #1 ma helmi  5 15:49:15 EET 2001 i686 unknown

Now with framebuffer! And ReiserFS, which I'm not yet using...

The "lsusb" command, which I just discovered, doesn't work. Strange.

17:40

Ran Around Upvoting Like Hell.

The list of the writeups that will be shot when the Revolution comes grew a bit.

23:08

Now all I need is a "Guide On How To Convert Your Precious, Precious ext2 Partition To ReiserFS Without Mucking Around With Boot Floppies And Nuke Command Sequences" =)

---

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: Argo/UML DOC++ reiserfs Cayley-Purser Algorithm

Updated: documentation

Yesterday's belated news: Sprite inefficient hello world programs

TABULA RASA: Cleaned the whiteboard at my desk to make room for some design sketches and interaction diagrams for a game (A rather blatant rip-off of Sid Meier's Pirates). The previos drawings on the board were rather old and hard to erase using the standard-issue eraser fuzz-thing, so I doused the board with some cleaning alcohol. Now the fumes are making me lose focus, and I can't concentrate.

MIDDLE OF NOWHERE: Went to a party (ex-blind date's housewarming) on the other side of town. Had some serious trouble getting back home - the trip took three hours due to our (me + John) stunning ability to misinterpret bus schedules while drunk.

SOTD: Beth Orton - Blood Red River

so i'm an editor. but if i edited the way i wanted to, i'd be the subject of death threats. Seems that some users are very protective of their nodes. even if they're crap. crap writing about crap subjects.

You havent't earned your bullshit at level 2 or 3.

I add nuke-worthy nodes to my personal nodes nodelet, collecting them up for mass murder and reporting on the killed writeups in periodic editor logs. But there's so much crap. I am afraid to kill some of it, given the outrageous reponses we have had from some noders. Geez people. When your teacher gave you a "D", did you threaten to beat her up?

---

ANYWAY. it's snowing quite heavily. it's supposed to be a "wintery mix". snow is better. prettier.

facing the start of another week at work, where i feel so horribly unmotivated.

the man scheduled me a day at the dayspa for thursday. i am trying to decide if i will postpone it or not. given how much work i missed last week due to doctors appointments and uncomfortable tests, taking a day off for frivolities may not be the best idea. Or... it may be just what i need given those circumstances. we will have to see.

as much as i want to right now (15:20) i won't leave work early. i have to build stuff. maybe then i'll go. we'll see.

Sat in again.

Nothing great to look at, just the building opposite but they have a nice kitchen. I hear people coming to my front door! Oh, they are stopping at the meter cupboard to put in their tokens. I hear them leave.

I laugh as I know they can't see me. The door is bolted. Sometimes i think from outside in. Stirring, it feels solid again and I shake. The pain comes and goes but mainly goes when I take the pills. I know not to eat cheese but I do as its the only thing I eat. The M.A.O.I leaflet says to: 'carry this card with you at all times. Show it to any doctor or dentist that treats you.' Hell I haven't even told my mother.

Herrings and broad beans urgh don't think so! Oh no! Caffine I will die now! Never ate an eel no intention to! Marmite was never my mate! Blood pressure falls so i hit the ground again. Can't drink on these but I have nothing else to do. Can't have processed foods as the 'e' numbers give me palpitations. Can't afford 'owt else. Nearest supermarket, netto is 15 minutes walk there and then I have to make it back here.Alone and its outside.

No way can I do that! Not today! Its a bad day.

Friday night I was so tired, I went to bed at 12. M. made a booty call at 1 and woke me up. It was so cute and funny, I wish I had been awake enough to giggle about it - I'm sure it's the first one he's ever made in his whole life. I said, 'no, I'm sleep' and he was so apologetic about it - it was really, really funny.

Saturday I did write in my journal, but my pc kept crashing so I couldn't get it on E2 in time. So here it is - the whole weekend I spent more time letting my thoughts and feelings gel together about my recent breakup with M. So many conflicting feelings, ambivalence about him. He asked yesterday at the coffee shop where I made love to a hazelnut brew if we could date just once a week & he would pick the activity. It was obvious that he was trying to prove that he could be fun to be with and try new things, etc., etc. I said no. I want him; I miss him, but I need to be apart from him right now.

It becomes more and more obvious to me all the time that I love this guy more and more - that my love is so deep and abiding I just will always, always love him. I just can't be with some one who doesn't consistently take care of himself - physically, mentally, and spiritually. Which I think he's done a shitty job of for years and certainly not this past year that we've dated. I want to scream and shout, "Change first, damn you! THEN call me up and ask me out! Show me that you've changed! Don't ask me to help you change! I can't do it with you! Get a life first!" and so on. Of course, I'm not saying any of this so directly or in a mean way. I am just here now.

As the days go on, any joy I feel seems more contrived, more chemical.

Inside, I too am filled with rust.

...

I may have a place of my own, come April.

Assuming that I stay in Ottawa, and don’t run off to Toronto, Amsterdam, or Rio de Janeiro until then, I may have found a one-bedroom apartment for a decent price, here in Ottawa. Considering that we currently have the lowest vacancy rate in North America, that is no simple feat.

On related terms, some web design group wishes to interview me. They are in Toronto, and they want me to meet them next Monday. I am still undecided as to if I will show up.

I dream of Toronto, nearly nightly. I dream of my lost roommate and incense sticks, of laughter and moody music.

Jes does, as well. She doesn’t say so, not quite so clearly, but something in her dies a little bit more, every day that we’re away.

...

I have a stress fracture in my left tibia.

At times, I don’t notice. At others, it feels like someone’s trying to extract my bone marrow with a butter spreader.

The hospital-proscribed treatment for such an ailment is 6-8 weeks of relative rest, and little-to-no high-impact activity. ...

I went to a goa party in Montreal, this weekend. Hours in a packed van with no heat, map mixups, money issues, and relative craziness was the norm for the traveling.

I danced from the moment I could feel my toes again until they turned the lights on and told us to get the hell out.

It wasn’t enough.

Dancing has become a method of exercising my demons, I think. It’s cathartic, it’s release, it’s bliss; and unlike other party-related activities, it doesn’t leave the taste of chemicals in my mouth.

The day after, I could hardly walk. My leg was meat, useless screaming meat.

Today, my throat has followed suit.

Last week was hell for me. I felt like shit because I was a jerk. That caused me to lose one of the persons who I treasure very much. My E2 account went to hell but luckly I got that back. and just 2 days ago as I was on my way to work my front whell bearing gives out, I got so hot in that little space that the grease began to boil and melt it then it welded itself to my axel and causeing my wheel to lock. Shit did that suck I had to towe my car home it would of been like about 100 bucks. But I decided to try to unlock the wheel and I did so I drove home and fucked up my car even more. Now I need a new axel and a new spindel, this is going to cost me close to about 300 dollars lucky for me i have an old car, on a new car or atleast a car from the 80 this would run you like about 1000 bucks that is money I dont have.

5:40am EST
Clock radio goes off. Still in bed.

6:00am EST
Kind of late! We're still in bed, but have just ripped ourselves apart from each other in order to get up and get ready to go. My Love came for the weekend (to Toronto) to celebrate Chinese New Year with me. The train will be leaving at 6:55am. We'll miss it if we don't get going soon.

6:07am EST
I just finished showering but we only have a few minutes before it becomes too late. I check the weather outside. It's raining.

6:15am EST
We are in the car and I'm driving fairly fast at 130km/h. When I get to the DVP, some idiotic, insecure, dumbass driver blocks me (and everyone else) in the passing/fast lane for at least 5 minutes. She's going 70km/h in a 90 zone and brakes several times. I get annoyed at her and flash my highbeams at her to signal my passing. She doesn't move to the side to let me pass. What an IDIOT! I honk my horn when she finally moved to the side. She shouldn't even BE on the road!

6:30am EST
My Love is still annoyed by the idiot driver even though I was over it.

6:40am EST
We arrive just in time before the train is suppose to leave. There is enough time to give each other a good-bye kiss and hug.

6:40:30am EST
She is walking away from my car as I sit there, watching her disappear. I suddenly become sad.

What a morning!

Marijuana, My busy schedule, Pork

Damn Christian Ethics. For the past few months, the ongoing mental battle of the morality of infrequent, music-based pot use has continued to rage in my consciousness. The blistering heat of the cannon-fire has left my mind a smouldering wreck of indecisiveness. Hell, I've never played guitar better than once I've smoked up a little.

It doesn't hurt anyone

Well shit, neither does shooting myself in the head with a pneumatic nail gun. "Don't damage yer body." I'm still alive, no? I'm sure as hell not addicted to it, as the last time I've done it has been several months ago. I'm quite unlikely to come up with a solution soon; hell, I give up for today.

Woke up; prison for a few hours. Wander around the courtyard for a few minutes; Aah, my girlfriend. A nice juxtaposition, no? Walked around town for a while; some freak in a green suit playing a guitar-like instrument that needs to be wound-up before playing.. what the hell is it? came home. E2. peace: finally.

Ever noticed the duality of pork? Either it tastes absolutely fantastic, or it forms into a barely cohesive and tasteless blob of meat-fibers. Can't go wrong with bacon, but I've seen many a pork chop ruined by overcooking, leaving a dry, stringy mess. Oh, what the hell? Isn't this true with all foods? Someone shoot me for my pointless chatter.

I just went scuba diving in a pool.

It was one of those "see if you like it so you can hand over huge quantities of money to us" things. I rather enjoyed it, actually. Being underwater has most of the benefits of zero-g without the stomach-winds-up-in-your-throat aspect. Very pleasant. I'm trying to persuade Soujirou to join me in it.

And I went to school. Whatever.

Oh god. I hate myself.

I wish I could say that this is one of those moments, moments when you feel that you're such a terrible person and that you've mistreated everyone around you and abused their trust and friendship.

Well, maybe it is. But I feel those moments often enough to be able to tell the difference between them, and the realisation I've come to now.

I suppose it could be said that I only feel this way because I've had a bad day, or some bollocks like that. And I have. Today, I've managed to severely annoy almost everyone who matters to me, and quite a lot of those who don't. Some of it's been building up for a while, straining to the point whereby nasty things which I hardly even notice doing anymore start to crack relations with people. I can dimly remember that once, long ago, I was such a nice person. I... was so nice to everyone. Somehow I got corrupted. Certainly not by any outside influence, but by myself, my own conceitedness, building up to the point that I can no longer think of myself as a 'nice person'.

I should have noticed the signs. Even when other people told me, I changed nothing.

I've become such a bastard.

Well today was lame. I woke up and went to school. Got there a minute or so late. Probably the fifth day in a row. I don't really care anymore. Went to english and watched Ivanhoe. Then sat around in AP Stat. Discussed Robber Barons and Captains of Industry from the late 1800's in AP US History. Then went to Spanish and did more shit. Played basketball in gym. I actually made a few shots which was nice. Did nothing in Chemistry because everyone was so excited about possibly getting out early. Then went to Individual Study wehre I was supposed to start some cool database work with SQL and integration across multiple platforms. However, my supervisor wasn't there so i just sat in the lobby until school got out. School actually got out 20 minutes "early" but my bus didn't come till the regular time.

A few people I sit with at lunch abandoned me. It's interesting because we abandoned a friend of mine because some bastards at our old table were pissing us all off. I think I'll just go back to the old table now. I'm not even sure why they left me and my friend. I guess I wasn't devoted to band enough or I didn't care enough about "caring".

I also found out that the school automatically factors band into my GPA and that I can't do anything about it. Seems sort of odd to me that an extra-curricular activity is graded and factored into GPA. This all explains why my GPA went down this semester. Looks like band is out for me. Now I wonder how I should go about quitting. Should I be dramatic and storm out of rehearsal one day? Or should I just get kicked out because I sabotaged some intrument. Or maybe belittle my band director in some way.

It's still snowing. As long as I have power I don't care.

The city seems to be permanently encased in a grey haze lately. I don't think that everyone sees it. I know that for me, everything is encased in grey haze. Its sunny outside but I don't feel it. It hurts my eyes and makes me squint. Everything hurts lately. I feel so sad but I don't know why. This should be the happiest time of my life right now, but it isn't.

We bought a house. We get to move in next month. I'm excited, but the little details drag me down and ruin the excitement. Who knew this would be so complicated? I sure didn't. But, you can't rent forever and it is a nice house in the Mount Tabor neighborhood. I'm trying to see the bright side, but its making me squint and giving me a headache.

And, I feel guilty for feeling sad. There are a lot of people out there that have things a lot worse than I do, and I should be thankful. But, I'm not thankful really, I'm just depressed and unhappy. The drugs aren't helping lately and I wonder if I should double up my dose so I can function.

Mostly what drags me down is my man, which is a bad thing. He seems to be completely unwilling to plan or talk about planning anything regarding our wedding. I was finally able to get him to commit to a date, mostly by hounding him and crying, which made me feel like a totally stupid girl. But, being an adult, rational and calm wasn't getting him to tell me which date he wanted, which sucks. Since his schedule is less flexible than mine, I'm trying hard to work with him instead of just being my normal Aries self and plowing ahead with everything without consulting him. Lead, follow, or get out of the way I guess. He wants to get married so soon, but doesn't seem to want to plan for it. I want to get as much as this done as possible before we move, and he seems to be resisting it. The wedding will be in 5 months as of Friday. This is so scary.

I want to talk about all this stuff with him, make arrangements together, and make this our wedding instead of my wedding, but he's not helping. I don't want it to be my wedding. I want it to be our wedding. This is so frustrating.

Because of the time zone difference between the server's location and mine, alot of my daily logs have actually occured one day in the past from when I posted them. So if it says February 5th (like this one) it's probably the fourth. However, I'm posting this one earlier in the day, so this one is actually on time.
Today I wondered about how the smiley face: ^_^ shows up on Everything2. See, look what happens if you try to link it ^_^. Why doesn't someone come up with a formatting tag so you can change what linked text looks like? That'd be sweet ^_^
I also figured out a way today, to make smiley faces look like they're going into the future. Of course, it has to be the kind of smiley faces that are vertical, like so, "^_^". It won't work on the horizantal ones, " :) ". Simply italicize: ^_^. You could create a chain of them going in the wind:

^{^_^}_{^_^}^{^_^}_{^_^}
There ought to be a standard for smiley faces.... Also, be sure to have your daily dose of genital mints!
G'day

---

Yes, this was indented in a wierd way for no reason.

Monday was an interesting day for me. Work was all set up to be a real shit fight - my former employer, a real nutcase of a guy, so totally paranoid that he almost physically refused to let me leave the office on more than one occasion because he tought I would be stealing his intellectual property even though EVERYONE knows he stole it in the first place - this employer was going to come up and confront me about a request I made from my new job. I now work for the company that previously employed his company to manage the routing and switching equipment at the Australian Technology Park. He lost me when he treated me like shizt.

Anyway, this guy is all due to come up and confront me, but then he gets the sales manager, nice guy, shame about the total lack of a clue about computers, to ring up and deal with it "remotely". So I get this phonecall, and he proceeds to let every dirty little secret about the company slip. Not that I didn't know them having worked there. So after this guy has let a few details slip, he lies to my face. I knew it. He knew it. But he said it anyway. He basically said that they couldn't help me out because they had DESTROYED the stuff I was asking for - which is kind of a problem because this is OUR intellectual property, not theirs. So we could in essence sue their asses off for destruction of our I.P. Got my boss (the general manager) all worked up and calling the lawyers...

The remainder of the day was fun though. Read a lot, then after work, went out with some mates to an internet cafe to play CounterStrike for a bit and then to a pizza joint in Glebe (Sydney, NSW, Australia) for some good food, then to a pub to get hammered. While there, saw a video of one of the funniest British comedians - Ali G. Laughed for a good 3 hours. Then spent a bit of time and money playing the pokies, won some, moved to another bar, drank more, played more pokies, won some more $$$, moved to another bar, drank yet more amber liquid, played more pokies, won even more $$$.

Got home at 2:30am in the morning. Work at 8am. Hmmm. Anyway, ended up spending $40 the whole night but bought 16 rounds of drinks for my two remaining mates, lots of games of pool, and a good night out. On the cheap as well!

So I had these various pairs of underwear, gifts from my mother many years ago, unopened and forgotten until it came time to gather my belongings over the Christmas holiday to ship to Nieuw York.

I opened one pack this morning, a pair of Jockey briefs, probably about ten years old, and purple. I had visions of a Jockey magazine ad featuring Prince wearing the briefs (and nothing else), but I'm pretty sure that never actually happened.

Visiting The Missus this evening, I surprised her by parading, brief-ly, in my Princely undergarment; as I made one last mock-Chippendale wiggle of my butt, she noticed a piece of paper stuck there.

"You've got a price tag on your butt."

"Cool! Just like Cousin Minnie Pearl!"

She peeled off the presumed price tag to study it further. It actually wasn't a price tag -- just some sort of numerical code on the top, and underneath, the words INSPECTED BY CYNTHIA.

"Who's this Cynthia?", she asked.

I took the fifth.

8:23, EST

It's snowing! I love snow. It amazes me, constantly, to see little (and sometimes big) white flakes falling from the sky and onto my front lawn, driveway and street. It would be better, though, had it held off until 2 AM so school would be cancelled tomorrow. As it stands now it's heavy, wet snow, and about 5 inches deep.

Today's school time was thoroughly wasteful. Not even a shred of importance. Talked to Kaylan. Whee. Hurray. Unfortunately, that was only in Spanish class when she had no one else to talk to. She gave me the look at lunch so I sat with Trojal and his girly instead.

My mother threw her back out yesterday, and as such, hasn't left her bed. My sister and I tried to cook dinner yesterday. We failed. I can cook simple things -- eggs, grilled cheese, ramen -- none of this fancy, multiple dish meal stuff. In any event, this led to me eating fast food for the first time in like 4 months, tonight. My stomach is rebelling. I feel as though there are little gnomes inside my stomach, their pointy hats jabbing outwards, just to spite me.

"You know you taste like cancer..."

Today my friend Peter was in the studio filming Who Wants to be a Millionaire, and I came home from work early to be one of his Phone a Friends. About 30 minutes into the prescribed 4:00-7:00pm window, a producer calls to let me know that Peter has made his way to the Hot Seat. She tells me to answer the next phone call on the third ring, and say, "Hello", in a normal voice.

I wait around, reading a book, web browser open to Google, when the phone rings. Leaping to the desk, I answer it on the third ring. "Hello". The producer tells me that Peter has used his Phone a Friend, and that I'm free to go.

So close, yet so far.

1:24am

Well, I had a daylog here for Feb 5. It was apparently erased/nuked/whatever. I know I submitted one becuse it said I had 49 writeups remaining when I submitted it, and upon submitting this, it also says that I have 49 writeups remaining.

---

1:44am

Ok, WonkoDSane just informed me in the chatterbox that there was a hiccup on ENN earlier today and my writeup was lost in the shuffle. I shall try to recall what I wrote, although it was actually quite long and now I can't imagine what I could have written about today that was so long.

Today I got a lot of work done for once. I had Japanese class this morning, our quiz has been pushed back yet again to wednesday. I got a lot of progress done on my project; tomorrow I start compiling and debugging.

I went to the gym for about 1.5 hours. I need to start going again every night if I want to keep eating the way I am.

Umm.. I can't recall what else I wrote about (it was about 8 paragraphs long). Oh well; it was a good day anyway... I think I'll go to sleep now and go into work early tomorrow.

So I'm sitting at my computer and roommate's in bed when this chick walks in. I'm wearing headphones and the lights are turned off for roommate's consideration. I make out that it's Anna K and she climbs up on to Pete's bunk, saying nothing to me. I don't think anything of it for they usually give massages to each other once in awhile. For those who haven't seen our room (hey, who hasn't?) my desk is right beside our bunk beds. So I'm kicking back watching What Lies Beneath (good movie) with my feet propped up on the bed.

Then the creeking starts.

You know what kind of creeking I'm talking about- bed creeks forward, bed creeks back, bed creeks forward, bed creeks back... "WTF???" I think to myself, "no fucking way they're doing it with me in the room!" I slowly press down on the spacebar to pause the movie and kind of brush off one headphone with my shoulder-

"Oh oh oh oh God Oh oh oh huh oh oh God..."

Now wtf am I supposed to do? I wouldn't mind graciously bowing out of the room and leave the two alone but with her heavy panting and moaning there's no way I could do that and keep their "privacy" intact. It also crossed my mind that lots of pornos start out this way, but in my pornos I'm the only male on the set. It seems that my only choice is to crank up the movie and let them go at it less than four feet from me. Ugh. I'm thinking of buying a webcam for the next time, atleast I can get some money out of the situation...