I cried in the shower for maybe twenty minutes last night. I figured I should write about it, maybe it will help me process.
I know I've mentioned this in like three writeups recently, but I keep thinking about my dead twin, the one that died in the womb, and tonight I was thinking, and I was thinking. There's some cognitive dissonance within me right now. I really, really wish I had the twin sibling, a close relationship with someone. So in a way, I feel super bummed out that I never got to have that experience, even though I should have, and that there's some kind of injustice that my brother/sister died. On the other hand, though, I believe abortion is logical because it prevents a human from existing in this world, and I don't believe a benevolent God would will existence upon anyone, ever. So is it selfish of me to want that kind of relationship? That I would rather someone exist in this brutal, disgusting excuse of a planet, just because it would make my life happier or easier in some way? I prayed to my twin tonight, just asking all the questions that can't be answered.
Also, crying about the relationship I had like six full years ago. I adored her more than I've ever loved anyone, more than I will ever love anyone in the future, and when she cut me off without communicating it devestated me. She uttered the phrase "I love you" very liberally, she was very affectionate with hugs, and I believed her, but sometimes I wonder she ever meant it. I haven't recovered, I will never recover. And even though I could say I'm a victim, I completely believe it's my fault for not being good enough, better enough. She was the most perfect person I have ever met, and I was flawed, imperfect, dealing with my own problems, probably just a burden with how bad my depression was then. Maybe I deserve the way she treated me. I remember all the nights I prayed to God in sobs, asking that she would come back into my life, that she would communicate why she cut me off. God doesn't answer all prayers. Maybe this is God's will. I remember only the good about her, I wonder if she feels the same about me. She said she wanted to get married, that's the worst part. She told all her friends she wanted to marry me. It was her idea, and I was going to do it, and then she backed out. I don't know. I don't know if it was wrong for me to worship her. But I am not exaggerating when I say she was the most perfect person I have ever met.
I have two lines of Type O Negative stuck in my head. "Dying god man, full of pain, when will you come again?" I don't even like Type O Negative that much, I don't know why they're stuck in my head. Also I'm like 70% sure I remember one of those lyric websites spelling "come" as "cum", which makes sense because it's basically a song about a woman who has sex with Jesus Christ. I hate that song and I hate that I like the way it sounds.
I wrote a story this morning with the intent of publishing it here, but I decided to try submitting it to a magazine and seeing if it gets picked up. Once I get published I feel like I'll have so much more clout when applying to other magazines.
I'm extremely excited to progress in piano. Some very cool songs are upcoming in the book, and I have been practicing diligently all week for the first time in half a year. I missed it a lot. Watching Tiffany Poon vlogs really helped to motivate me -- she is a traveling concert pianist that vlogs about her experience and process. I can't seem to iron out a mistake I keep making, in which I stutter slightly in the last measure in the song. I played for like 50 minutes today and can't seem to fix it. But I have two more days. Ugh.
I can't master Latin participles. Future active declines -urus if masculine, -ura if feminine, -urum if neuter, first principle part. Perfect passive declines -us if masc, -a if fem, -um if neuter, third principle part. Present active is the first principle part plus -ns or -nt-, and it's not at all obvious to me which of the two to use or for what case. I have a huge test tomorrow and it's worth like 18% of my eventual grade. I do not feel remotely prepared, I need like two more days. I feel like I'm going to puke from the anxiety of it all.
I'm considering getting caffeine pills and consuming one every morning with my coffee. I'm so sick of feeling so lethargic during the day. I keep getting ads for these "clarity" pills that have a bunch of herbal stimulants or whatever, but I am wary of forming a dependence in addition to caffeine dependence.
I keep having vivid dreams about angels and demons specifically, usually they're killing each other in some way. I wonder if my subconscious is trying to tell me something, but I couldn't imagine what it could possibly be.
I took another shower today, and in the shower I couldn't stop thinking about the slow drift I've been experiencing, away from all the values I once held sacred. I used to believe there was such a thing as "absolute truth", "transcendent virtue", I was obsessed with morality. I don't know if it's good or bad, but it feels like everything that was once sacred to me has slowly become meaningless and now I just drift through life feeling gray and numb and void. I remember thinking I would kill myself before I became the person I've become. It's kind of morbid when I think about it, how obsessed I became.
My friend gave me four vapes for no reason so I started vaping recently and I feel no compulsion to continue but I'm a little scared of withdrawal headaches. He also tried to give me two lighters and psychadelics but I declined, I really don't care for psychadelics, and what use am I going to have for two lighters anyway? Still, I consider the vapes mild repayment for all the times he borrowed money and promised to pay me back the next week and never did until like a year later. Three times. I still lend him money and I don't know why. Maybe I should charge interest.
He keeps calling me, probably 3 times a day, and continually messages me "hru", and it's driving me insane.
I find myself troubled by the homosexual attraction I am feeling toward someone. The Christian guilt in me, Christian fear, and the fact that I do not and have never never experienced attraction toward any other man, but he's different and I don't know why. I find myself wondering what it would feel like to kiss him, and then realizing my mind is wandering there, and beating myself up for it. After these next three weeks I'll probably never see him again. I haven't felt these feelings for absolutely anyone in probably seven years.
It's not like I'm all that virtuous anyway, though. I'm sure God doesn't like me all that much, with all the small lies I find myself telling, watching porn, treating my body like shit. I know I should care but I don't. I feel no remorse for any lapse in morality on my part, and I find myself watching porn not out of desire for sexual gratification, but simply to kill my sex drive. There's like a 20 hour cooldown on sex drive, if I keep myself in a state of disgust for sex it greatly decreases my compulsion to find women attractive. There is nothing authentic about sexual attraction.
I bought a huge bottle of wine but this brand, the wine tastes like bread. I really liked the other brand of "white zinfadel", but this bottle is so much worse and it's such a shame. Makes sense though, it was $8. But now I'm stuck with it. I haven't been drinking anything recently, wine or liquor, because I don't want to go through the shenangeans of day drinking again, I remember downing a shot of rum every morning to "loosen myself up" and then drinking throughout the day to "keep my mind flowing" and frankly if I kept buying rum it would have devolved into actual alcoholism so I quit before it became a problem. I don't want to get into the habit of daydrinking anything again, even if it's "just wine", whatever that means.
I'm probably two thirds of the way through the Pokemon card writeup. I have like 40 more sets to cover, and then some information about the Scarlet and Violet sets. I have been working on it since December of 2022, becaus Silver Tempest was the newest set at the time. It's 6000 words long, I'm guessing by the end it will be 8-10,000ish. It will probably be the most work I have ever put into any writeup, and will ever. I'm a little afraid that it will be so overwhelming that nobody will ever read it or enjoy it and it will flop horrendously. I haven't bought any cards in a while, but sometimes I go on ebay and look at images of the Legendary Collection Reverse Holographic Flareon and just drool drool drool over how beautiful it is.