Falling - A Story About Love
Thrown Away.
Calmly, for the first time in forever, I sit here. I can't stop thinking about her, but I didn't expect that to go away. Even the air reminds me of her. I'm taking deep breaths, remembering exactly what she smelt like. Breathing in, wondering if she's missing my smell. Wondering if she regrets ending us to save us.
I doubt it.
It's as if she cut my heart in two, but keeps picking at the stiches as if she doesn't want me to heal. Every time I see her or hear her, I feel like I could die because I know what I've lost. What I'm missing. But how can I forget? She did more than just jump into my life. She changed my mind. She changed the way I think. The way I look at things. I don't remember ever finding beauty in hearing someone breathing or crying out of sheer joy, not until I met her... How can I forget that? Why would I want to?
Because I need to escape... I need to get away from whatever I'm stuck in. I need to be able to think, to live in a world without her. Every day, I see her. She won't go away. It's not as if she's invading my world, she belongs here too... But I don't want her here. Not if she is going to slowly pick apart ever last defense I have.
People keep telling me that this feeling will pass, that eventually, I won't want her in my life. Well right now, I don't care. I WANT her in my life. I want to be hurt, I want to scream, I want to cry until my eyes feel dry and sore. You don't let someone who changes your life, just pass by. You don't just forget them. You don't just leave them be. You hold on to them for as long as you can.
I keep trying to write something to her. To tell her what I feel. To tell her I need to leave. But it's just smeared letters on a page that is slowly getting damp. I'm an actor, a poet and a thinker. But I can't even bring up the words to say good-bye.
Pages upon pages of desperation. Pages begging her to take me back, to let me go, to tell me why. Pages of nothing. I can't write anymore. It's been days since I've been able to have a creative thought. All I think about is the taste of her lips or the beauty of her voice. Even when I try to explain what happened, my words disappear. She's taken all my energy. All of my being is focused into her and I can't let go to save myself.
It's impossible to accept that it's over. You keep telling me that I'll find the right person... But you are the right person. Someone once told me that there is one person out there who you are ment to stay with... I never believed in fate until I met you. I never believed that I could give myself up so fully and completely until the first time you kissed me...
I can still remember it in perfect detail.
It was raining. It was like something out of a movie. Rain soaked our skins, but we kept walking because we enjoyed the company. Your hair fell over your eyes and I could barely see them. I kept running over kissing you in my head. I just kept thinking about it. And, as if reading my mind, you told me not to worry. And then you kissed me. You kissed me and at that moment, I could have died and been happy.
I won't ever forget that memory. Even now, every detail is there still. From the taste of your lips, to the feel of your skin. I remember everything.
Do you remember me at all?
There is love of course. And then there's life, its enemy.
Jean Anouilh