Rugby song based upon the infamous contentious probate case of Anne Cooper Hewitt.
I am the Sterilised Heiress
A victim of multiple jibes
I'm comely and rich, I'm a bit of a bitch
Cos me mother's run orff with me pipes!
{Refrain}
Oh, shame on you Mater for stealing
My own irreplaceable toys
Restore my abdomen and make me a woman
I need to go out with the boys!
(Oh, shame on you Mater for stealing
My very own feminine charms
My bosom is sinking, my clitoris shrinking
I need a strong man in my arms!)
The butler and footman reject me
Where once they were happy to serve
The cook from Australia has huge genitalia
But he's no damn good he's a perv!
(The butler and footman ignore me
Where once they would use my door-key
The cook from Samoa has spermatozoa
For others but never for me!)
Imagine my feeling sad feelings
That quack sniggers, sneering at me
A surgical hitching to my social kitchen
No kettle, no brew up, no tea!
No judgement in Court can repay me
The loss of me crackerjack pearls
When I find the berk who's imperilled my works
I'LL CUT OFF HIS INTEREST IN GIRLS!
I first discovered this on a copy of a vinyl called Wicked Rugby Songs that I found in a charity shop and which was credited to "The Shower Room Squad." It's in a sort of waltz time and the very male singers are putting on a falsetto because we all know there's little funnier than a man pretending to be a woman and not doing a very good job. I mean, Britcoms traded on it for decades. Anyhow. I got to wondering what this is all based on and I found the sad case of Anne Cooper Hewitt, a New York heiress to a significant fortune in the 1930s. Her grandfather's Will was that she would inherit his entire estate after a period of time, provided she had children by then. If not, it went to her mother. Her mother found out about this and basically bribed various doctors to falsely diagnose Anne Cooper Hewitt with mental insufficiency such that she (her mother) would gain control of Anne Cooper Hewitt's destiny. She then had Anne Cooper Hewitt hysterectomised on the base of this diagnosis because eugenics was still a thing and the idea of someone who is mad or stupid breeding was something that the great and the good of the time didn't want to happen.
There was then a massive fallout in Court over this, and this song was one of the ways in which it was commemorated. It's not exactly a particularly respectful take on the matter, but then it is a rugby song, so there you go.
Further commentary on this is superfluous, other than to say that compared to this, the contentious probate case a former work colleague had in which an old guy left "to my least favourite son, I leave my least favourite gun, so he can shoot himself with it" is mere play.
(IRON NODER 2023 #12)