Hello, I'm Teleny, and he is..
Brother Theodore, to all mein fans, Servus!
And we're here to have breakfast, and talk about...
Sex!
Fucking!
Intercourse!
Now, you might wonder why a fat woman of about fifty is going to have sex with a dead comedian. Shouldn't we be like, a couple of voluptuous porn stars?
Budt porn stars don't really have zex!
Undt I am not deadt, I am zimply here. You Tube fanz: I am about eighty. Calibrate your visuals accordingly.
I'm fifty, weigh a good two-fifty, and just have happened to have had a lot of sex.
Undt in lifhe, I hed zex until my nineties. Alzo, I ztuddied zex throughout mein liffe, und stardted very early.
Together: And no body's perfect! However you look it will look better than we do!
So...let's talk about the integral problem with sex...
Scene change: a ballroom. THEO is a sharply-dressed playboy, about 30, with gelled hair and a tailcoat.
TELENY, about 25, wears a ballgown with shoulder-length gloves, upswept hair and a tiara.
Teleny:Shall we dance?
The orchestra plays the number from the King and I.
Teleny: You dance divinely, Theo.
Theo: Undt I can hardly say less, Teleny. Though....the song was written to be sung by that mann from Vladivostok, ...not echt Swabian, like me.
Teleny: You lead well...
Theo: You follow just as well.
Teleny: We're talking about sex. So, explain why we're not doing this?
(She snaps her fingers, and they're in a contemporary discotheque. Both of them are in identical black turtlenecks and pants, jiving to a European techno beat, she about 25, he back about 80. They dance for about a minute to make the point.)
Theo: (screaming over the noise) Because we're only dancing with ourzelves! (He snaps his fingers, and they're both back on the dance floor, waltzing to "The Blue Danube." THEO looks miffed.)
Teleny: I like the melody. Anyway...Here's the problem. There won't be any real ending to this dance until he climaxes. And one way that I do this is to follow in this dance. The other way is if I get me rox off before he does. (THEO dips her.) Ahhh!
Theo: To be inzide a voman in extaczy is to taste...Paradize! The vagina is like a mouth, but instead off having teeth and a tongue, there are all these little muzles, urging me to let go...
Teleny: Unfortunately, the way most women are taught to have sex is to do this. (She becomes a dead weight in his arms.) OK, there, Theo?
Theo:Strong as an ox, gnadge Frau! (He manages to get her vertical, then dances with her several paces.) Uff! Noted as I em to have a macabre zense of humor, andt haff made pedophile chokes, this is vhy you shouldn't have a girl that's too young! Her nerfous zistem chust izzent grown in yet, zo it's kind of like making luff to a corpse! Shall I kiss you , Zleeping Beauty?
Teleny: I'm quite OK. But I'm going to have to say...you're in major-league probability to catch the Human Papilloma Virus, not to mention a whole lot of other problems if you're not an adult....(She straightens up.) The other alternative is if he doesn't get off...at least for a minute or so.
Theo: Mmm. I'm qvite heppy vith that.
Teleny: Then you can switch roles! (She leads him to a few vigorous leaps, twirls, and so forth.) Of course, it's not quite the same as having it...just happen, it's still a lot of fun!
Theo: Your insides ist so heppy...(He looks dishraggy, but grateful...She kisses him. They're back to being in bed, TELENY 50, THEO 80, the covers up to their chests.) Zo! We have sex, no?
Teleny: OK. This is basic Missionary Position. On back, legs apart.
Theo: Vait! Ver're missing zomething!
Teleny: What? A condom? Foreplay? What is it, man?
Theo: Vell...if you vant to have zex, zhere are a few alternativez....
Teleny: (rolling over onto her side) Such as?
Theo: This! (He drives home.)
Teleny: Wow! But we can't kiss.
Theo: But, I can play with you...Wun handt ondt the nipple, wun ondt the clitoris.....I can feel that you like this...
Teleny: Mmmm. I can use a vibrator, too. But it's not what I really like. < BR>
Theo: But...vhere engaged!
Teleny: So, disegage, and let's have me on top! (They reassemble, with the coverings over them.)
Theo: Not zo goodt forr conzeption....Budt verry, verry pleazurable....for both...
Teleny: Anyway, folks, I can't say much...
Theo: Ezcept to do it often. Undt vahr un Kondom!
Teleny: And be happy! It's not a contest..
(She switches to missionary position.)
Theo: Az longk as you...(riding hard)
Teleny: ...as long as you...(meeting him)
Theo: Both!
Teleny: Are....
Theo: Heppy!!!! (they both have thunderous climaxes)
(A moment later. They both have trays on their laps.)
Theo: So as to breakvast...
Teleny: Is this first breakfast, or second breakfast...
Theo: I dunno...now, you wanted to go shopping at KuDeWe....
(To all who don't relish ethnic humor, I'm trying as far as possible to write in "Theoese", which is a dialect of German so refined as not to correspond to any known German living. Apparently, if you live in Stuttgart, you can pronounce a light "th" but not a hard "th" and never a real "s".