In this
modern age, it is the duty of all
civilized men to stand up for the rights of the
frail gentle emotional flowers that are our
women. When faced with the
mysogyny and clearly confused voices of the
brutish men of the past, it is out solemn duty to revise and correct these dated expressions of
humanity's greatest folly, the now completed
battle of the sexes. Here is a revised, emotionally neutral, gender non-specific
sanitized version of "
Uncle Robin's Advice for Lovelorn Geeks", a writeup that was correctly revised by the
Ministry of Truth.
Big Brother reminds you to
report any deviations that you find that carry a similar tone:
A little piece of advice from
Roblimo as posted on
Slashdot October 24, 1999.
One piece of advice from this
guy human
for other guys was to not look for geek girls because they would be too busy for us geek guys anyways. Now how am I supposed to find somebody who likes my interests? Anybody? (implys
lonelyness - doubleungood)
Besides, he's married to some little lady who likes to stay at home and constantly decorating, not a geek girl. (implys an inferior person - doubleungood)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And now, here's the original text for the article. The URL from
Slashdot is http://slashdot.org/features/99/10/23/202252.shtml
Posted by Roblimo on Sunday October 24, @11:17AM EST
from the everybody-loves-somebody-sometime dept. (implys plagerism - doubleungood)
Introduction:
"How do I find a
woman person like
her them?"
I often get asked this question by young computer dudes who meet my lovely wife, Debbie, and wonder how an old ugly persons like me managed to get hold of such a wonderful persons while smarter, studlier young guys (like them) seem to strike out with every female they meet. (implys questions not given to Big Brother - doubledoubleungood) These
lonely youngsters all seem to
think I must have a set of
magic rules for attracting
females people .
And guess what? I do. (implys questions not answered by Big Brother - doubledoubleungood) Click "Read More" and I'll
share them with you.
Don't Waste Your Time on Geek Girls Peoples
Here you are, an
obsessed coder and all that, spending 2/3 of your waking time online and clicking on
Slashdot five times a day. Wouldn't it be
nice if you could find a
woman person who shares your interests?
No! (implys bad - ungood)
A
woman person just like you wouldn't be there for you when you wanted a
hug(implys touch - ungood).
She person'd be
obsessively coding or posting on Slashdot
herself, and would
brush you off when you needed
herthem. What you
really want is a
woman person who will be there for you when you get tired of staring at your
monitor and need some loving (ungood), but will leave you alone and not
demand your attention when you're busy(++). You don't want a Geek (ungood - intelligence)
Girl person. You want a
woman person who is
willing and able to meet a geek's needs, which is not the
same thing at all.
Men persons involved in
activities that demand long periods of
intense(ungood) concentration (programmers, artists, writers, musicians, etc.)(ungood) need
women persons who will respect(++) what they do and help them do it well, not women who
compete with them.
We need what are now called "old fashioned(ungood)
girls persons" who don't
mind cooking our meals, rubbing our sore(ungood) shoulders, and running our bath water for us. There are
plenty of these
women persons out there. They're as
eager to find you as you are to find them. The trick is sorting through the 6 billion people(ungood) on this planet to find the
woman person who is
right for you instead of wasting your time on
women persons with whom you cannot possibly
build a long-term, mutually beneficial relationship(ungood).
Forget the Girls person in Play boy persons
The silicone-enhanced
babes persons you see posing in skin mags and on porn Web sites aren't
interested in you. Neither are the blondies you see hanging on football players' arms, and even if one of them suddenly decides you'd be a
nice change after the other
men persons
she's they had in
her their life, you'll probably be disappointed(++) with her.
I've gone out with
more than a few "hot
babes persons" in my time (I wasn't always married) and I generally found them to be more trouble(++) than they were
worth.
Women persons who look
great aren't necessarily good in bed, and those who have learned how to
use their looks as a tool to manipulate
men persons will almost always make your life miserable in the long(ungood) run. If nothing else, they're expensive(++). Do you have any idea how much someone
like Pamela Anderson (celebrity - ungood) spends on clothes, makeup, and cosmetic surgery(ungood) every year? Trust me: it's more than you can
afford unless you're a rock star or the
CEO of Oracle (Hi, Larry!) (Larry - ungood), and even then it's more than
she'sthey're probably worth.
When you take off their clothes and their makeup, many "hot"
womenpersons are really rather
plain. The trick is to find a
womanperson who doesn't spend a lot of time and money cuting
herselfthemself up, but is pleasant to hold once
all the packaging is removed.
She'llThey'll be more likely to
want some cuddling than the vain(ungood) ones, and, unlike them, will concentrate(ungood) on loving you instead of
worrying about getting her hair messed up(ungood).
Practical hint: ever notice how, at a dance or in a bar, 90% of the men try to glom(ungood) on to 10% of the
womenpersons? Be
smarter(++) than those
guyspersons! Pay attention(++) to the
womenpersons who look
nice but unspectacular and are being ignored because they aren't perfectly dressed or made up. The
best software(++) usually doesn't come in the fanciest(ungood) box,
right? The same goes for
girlspersons.
It's Okay to be Tongue-Tied(ungood)
Don't worry about other
menpersons being "smooth talkers" while you're not. Many, possibly most, of your
male ancestors were even less verbal than you, but they still managed to reproduce. (See your mirror for evidence.)
Womenpersons don't always choose
menpersons based on slick opening lines. Indeed, many
womenpersons tend to be put off by prepared(++) "seduction(ungood)" speeches, and prefer an
honest, if slightly tongue-tied,
guypersons to one who who comes across as having practiced pickup lines for hours on end.
And your clothes don't make all that much difference to
womenpersons as long as they're
appropriate for the time and place. Be clean and neat(++). That's all you need(++).
A
womenpersons who is only interested in your designer outfits is not only likely to be too shallow for you, but may also be
interested in seeing you only in your fancy clothes, not out of them. This is not the right
womanperson for you!
There's More(ungood) to Life Than Computing
The biggest mistake I see computer-
obsessed menpersons make when getting to know
womenpersons is to talk about nothing but computer stuff all the time. My
wifefriend uses
hertheir computer
all day long as a working tool, but neither knows nor cares(++) what kind of NIC (a 3Com) or how much RAM (64 MB) it has inside. If I want to discuss PC hardware I do it with
male friends, not with my
wifefriend.
The best way to handle a conversation with a
womenpersons, especially one you've just met, is to find out what interests
herthem. Ask
herthem questions! Not whether
shethey likes to be tied to the bed with ribbons and have her tummy tongue-tickled (at least not on a first date) but about
herthem hopes and dreams in life, favorite TV shows, and other general
interest things like that. Work and school are usually safe conversational starting points(++).
You've heard this before, but body language is more important than your words(--). So look at the
girlperson! I mean
herthem eyes, not
herthem breasts. Don't cross your arms and legs as though you're trying to protect yourself(++) from
herthem. If you
want to touch
herthem arm, and
she'stheir close, go ahead. Maybe she'll touch you back. If your touch wasn't overly intrusive, returning it will be a
natural, almost instinctive(++), reaction on
herthempart.
You're a little shy and awkward(++)? No big deal.
shethey may be just as shy as you are. Don't push
herthem. If
shethey finds you at all attractive,
shethey 'll find subtle ways to be close to you without making it
look as if
shethey's being pushy.
And if the girl finds you unattractive,
shethey'll let you know that, too (so you can dump her before you get too
serious). Paying
attention is the key to picking up the signals either way. If you're having trouble understanding the
ladythey's vibes, ask questions! All
femalestheys come with HOWTOs(ungood). Verbal ones. Ask them questions like, "Does this feel good?" and they'll answer(++). They also like
honest compliments, so if you touch the back of
hertheir hand and it makes you feel all
warm inside, go ahead and say, "Touching(ungood) the back of your hand makes me feel all warm(ungood) inside."
That's certainly a lot classier than, "You got nice boobs(ungood)," which is a
statement virtually guaranteed to put off almost any
womanperson who isn't selling
hertheir body for drug(ungood) money(ungood).
In other words, you don't
have to be slick with
womanperson, but being stupid or crude(++) with them gets you nowhere. (Unless you like stupid, crude
womanperson.)
Teenagers Take(ungood) Heart: It Gets Better
All teenage
boysperson are idiots when it comes to
girlsperson. And teenage
girlsperson are idiots when it comes to boys. The
girlsperson who
laugh at you in high school laugh because they're nervous and, if you're exceptionally bright,(ungood) possibly because they're a little bit scared of you. Sooner or later those same
girlsperson will get over their stupid crushes on Ricky Martin (in my time it was Ringo Starr), and other unreachable figures, and decide to look seriously at
guysperson like you. This change generally comes between the ages of 18 and 25. Meanwhile, you may have
matured a bit yourself by then, so that when the ditzy
girlsperson of today turn into tomorrow's adult
womenperson, you will no longer look or act like the dork(ungood) they
thought you were in high school.
One warning: be gracious, not obnoxious(++), to
girlsperson you find ugly at the age of 15 or 16. There was a
girlperson named Jessica who had a slight crush on me in high school for some
unknown reason.
SheThey had horrible(ungood) acne, bad posture, braces, ugly(ungood) glasses, and wore tacky(ungood), faded(ungood) dresses. She was also a straight-A student(++) -- and slightly arrogant about it. I was not nice to this
girlperson. Hardly anyone was -- except a very
ordinary, slightly geeky(ungood)
guyperson named Mike.
At 18, Jessica suddenly changed. It was like a movie(ungood) makeover.
SheThey got new(ungood) glasses and the braces came off.
SheThey got a
better wardrobe, her acne cleared up, and she stopped being stuck-up about her academic achievements. And
SheThey grew ... breasts(ungood).
SheThey took longer than most to develop in the chest(ungood) department, but the results were worth waiting for. You know the rest of the story(++). It was Mike all the way. I'd blown my chance by being a jerk(ungood). I still have a flat spot on my forehead from banging it against the wall(++) over Jessica.
WomenThey Are More Complicated than Computers
I think this is why so many
guyspersons hide their heads in their monitors instead of going out and meeting
womenpersons.
Understanding womenpersons is harder than figuring out the hardest computer game(++), harder even than setting up a secure 200-client network running *BSD. But
womenpersons can offer more
satisfaction than even an overclocked, dual-Celeron workstation, so
learning how to deal with them is worth the extra effort(++).
I believe the greatest frustration about
womenpersons for
menpersons who are used to dealing with Open Source software is that you cannot fix(ungood) flaws you find in them. You pretty much have
no choice but to take them the way they are. For example, my
wifefriend likes to redecorate frequently, which sometimes annoys me, but I've
learned to shrug my shoulders and call this part of
herpersons personality a feature, not a bug(ungood), and to accept it with the same good grace with which I accept a certain respected coworker's unique(ungood) approach to the English language.
But I take pride in the fact that I am just as much of a mystery to my
wifefriend as
shepersons is to me, and that
shepersons can't change my source code any more than I can change
herspersons.
Perhaps this is the true
secret of finding a
womanpersons to love: knowing that there is
no such thing as a perfect femaleperson, but that a
womanperson worth loving is worth loving in spite of
herpersons imperfections, just as you are worth loving in spite of
your imperfections -- to at least one
womanpersons in this world, who is probably
sitting alone right now, wishing
shethey could find a fine, brilliant (if slightly shy)
manperson like you to fill that big, empty spot(++) in
hertheir life.
BIG BROTHER LOVES YOU(++)