Another blur of days,
baby blue and
sparkling.
As far as
Meatspace Jairus is concerned, I've been
working too little,
sleeping too little,
eating too little, and spending too little time with the
people I care about.
I'm not exactly sure what it is I've been doing with
my time.
...
Life continues to wrap itself around me, leading me to new and interesting places. Emotionally, I've been on a downswing. Not
depression, or
angst, just... extremes. Not manic, not angry, I'm simply been feeling a lot recently, and that's been
taking its toll. I'm not entirely used to feeling strongly about something, all the time.
It wears me out.
Also, for what it's worth,
my sex drive is in a coma, and I fear that soon we will be saying our final good-byes to it. Not for any reason, either. My
desire to be sexual has just been slipping, I suppose... And that upsets me.
In fact, what upsets me even more than that, is the fact that
I am upset over it. To me,
sex shouldn't be that big of a deal, shouldn't be something worth getting upset about, getting all
frustrated over. It seems that a part of me differs, however. And so the
conflict begins.
I think a large part of this, is the fact that I'm currently staying with
Jes' family.
If living with
your girlfriend's mom isn't an ego-buster, I'm not sure what is. Not that I don't appreciate their kindness, mind you. They've been amazing to me, and I thank them daily for their
hospitality. It is a temporary measure, and I should be back in
Toronto soon enough, anyhow. With that said, it's hard to be intimate with someone, knowing her mother is behind a few doors, maybe twenty feet away.
Toronto, soon.
...
The thought of being back in Toronto with Jes, and Venk is really the primary thing keeping me afloat, at this point. It's what I'm driving towards, and with the exception of
Opteryx, it's my all, my everything, my single outlet for
emotions,
energy, and
effort. I want to be there, more than I have words for... And while I could leave tomorrow, I'd rather show up there to attend an interview, so I don't
stagnate, trying to revel in the glory and lights of the city. I want a purpose when I go, something to accomplish. A reason, more than just being.
Toronto, soon.