September 15, 2000

work sucks

I am not allowed, at the moment, to tell you why work sucks, because the company is in the midst of a quiet period, and because I've revealed the name of the company I work for in past nodes. But suffice to say, I am not happy in the least with the way things are going down, nor is anybody I work with, and I think I'm going to start looking for a new job because this company is going to die a horrible, flaming, tortuous death.

I have recently become fascinated with nieken's Pizza Chronicles. Despite the fact that he has to work in the food service industry (which people keep telling me is terrible...I've never experienced it firsthand), he has such an interesting job! My job is terribly boring. I sit in front of a computer screen all day. That's it! About the most exciting thing that ever happens to me is when people laugh at the insipid comics I draw on my whiteboard. That is the high point of my day.

nieken's "adventures" intrigue me because interesting things keep happening to him. It's like some people just have interesting events following them around. Nothing interesting ever happens to me! Or at least, interesting things rarely happen to me. My life is so terribly boring that I have to make interesting things happen.

Last weekend, in a futile attempt to make something interesting happen, I drove to the beach at 2am. I parked my car in full view of the highway. After walking around on the pitch-black empty beach for a while (nothing interesting happened), I went and curled up under a trenchcoat in the backseat of my car, in hopes that some strange person would attempt to kill me, rob me, or at least just wake me up and ask me for the time. I seriously wanted this to happen. And guess what?

Nothing happened.

I drove home in the morning with nothing gained except a sore back and bloodshot eyes. I had some meager hopes that my apartment had caught on fire and burned the complex down, but alas, everything was perfectly intact, un-burnt, and un-burglarized when I returned.

Sigh.

Woke late, had several seconds of panic then decided to revel in my slackness. Stretched out in the sunlight slanting across my bed and read A Prayer for Owen Meany while munching on toast. Broke my resolve NOT to be the first one to attack the septic hell-hole that is our kitchen, and wandered into work. Spent the morning catching up on email and chatting to friends, caught up with another at lunch, then meandered back to the office through the spring sunshine. The afternoon was whiled away writing cards and sending photographs from my last trip to various corners of the globe. As today is the opening ceremony of the Olympics, everyone had left early and the building was eerily silent. My officemate endeared herself to me for the next few days by calling me out to watch the shimmering, bloated red sun sink slowly over the mountains. Sharp pangs of homesickness for smoky Darwin ocean sunsets where a sun that size sets the sea and clouds on fire.

Work achievements today: nil
Contentment factor: zooming up rapidly.

I'll be spending a part of my weekend in here now, but it was worth it.

back | days | front

10:30 BST

Well, I'm in work and trying to ease back into the flow of things. I am still really tired and achey, but the coffee is helping (a little).

Today? well, today is time to read about MHP and DVB standards in preparation for my coding work. I've also got to think about the sun server that I should be porting some apps to... Plus I've got to write a report (blech!) on my experience at the trade show.

14:30 BST

The office is nearly empty because of a combination of the petrol crisis and holidays. It's nice to read in peace without people singing or dropping things around my desk. Please Stop annoying me guy isn't in today; I am in a nice calm and happy mood. Serene would be a good word for it.

Wow. This MHP specification is immense, referencing RFCs and other standards left, right and centre. (I will node MHP at some point; it stands for Multimedia Home Platform and is a java based set top box standard defined by a european digital television standards body called DVB) I can see that this will take some time to get through; the PDF file is over 11 meg with hardly any diagrams :-(

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More later, my little fondant centred chocolates

Note: Please remeber this is a daylog which is meant to hold what you did and what you thought today. If you mark me down, please /msg me and tell me why so I can fix the problem.

This is what I thought today (which is my explanation for it not making much sense):

My Physics Homework

Everything has its limitations, sometimes we find that these limitations can be bent, other can be broken. Do you really think that’s air your breathe.coming now? (Source: Iains Head). Some days I feel like eating some sausages, other days jumping out of a plane would be the most suitable option.

Television, as a communication medium, is dieing a slow painful death. I am finding television to be an unproductive method of gathering (of developers) of information. The Internet however, is taking televisions place at the forefront of information interchange.

I don’t know what I want to be, I am trying to decide if I am indecisive or not. How can I live with these pressures, expectations, responsibilities, and most important of all, how can I live with these people. Trying to blame other people for this life is useless, deep down, I am simply searching for reasons not to blame myself.

Things I hate about me:

• What I look like
• What I think
• What I say
• How I communicate with others
• My Brain
• How I feel

I have grown and evolved this way, no longer can I do anything, I am truly a stupid-geek.

Roll on the Exit Music

The doctor spent 5 hours testing me. She wants me to tell her all the bad stuff in my life. I refuse to tell in certain areas. I don't want to rehash all that garbage open old scars. I'm here to try and understand what part of my brain isn't working right and how to go about adjusting to it. This is supposed to be a step forward, not a look backward.

Did you have lots of friends growing up? she asks

umm No most of the time no, sometimes just one because, I count the reasons on my fingers, I could never bring anyone home with me and well I would be moving away in a matter of months if not weeks so...

I answered 500 kajillion true/false questions. I left a lot blank because it's none of their business,or the statement didn't make any sense whatsoever,or didn't apply to my life.

The comic strip is the best part of the newspaper.

blank-- I don't read the newspaper

I have lots of secrets

blank --That's a secret.

I love my mother (or if she's dead) I loved my mother

crossed it out!!!

I don't like to talk about sex

blank--

I like to fix door latches.

True (if she only knew why)

Why is Freedom of the Press so important?

Brain gets a logjam. I have a lot of thoughts about the question they just won't organize themselves into an answer. No offense DMan but all I can hear are DMan rants in my head.
Try harder to tell me, she encourages. I can't so I cry and she stopped, put it aside.

Whats missing in the picture?

The shadow on the chair

Points: What's the most important thing missing?

Me: Oh the rung on the chair

Shows me a picture of a boat I see a lot of things missing, the front bench, an oarlock and my grandfather

What's the most important thing missing?

Me:The person. I say

How would you describe your life?

Me: Flat loneliness

Dense knots formed in my head when I did the math part.

The nice lady from Job Developement didn't call this week about that job I was interested in.

My husband gave the lady our address so she could mail us a check to cover the vet bills from the dog attack. Nothing yet and the court date is September 20th. Two more hours of tests next week. I hope it's worth it because it's been hard on me and my family.

Living with a chronic unpredictable illness is a challenge. I want to be able to function as I once did, with energy and enthusiasm. Instead, some days the simplest chores requires more stength than I'm able to muster. Frustrating? Aggravating? Discouraging? You bet, but I don't have to be overwhelmed by these feelings.

I'm sure it's not the limitations themselves, but the thoughts I entertain about them that are the most likely to cause me trouble. It's so easy for me to give in to feelings of uselessness, worthlessness and self-pity. I remind myself that I rest in God's love, he loves me just because I'm his child and that thought alone fills me with hope. I seek out God's peace and I'm restored again. Instead of giving into complete discouragement, I can acknowledge my complete dependence on God, who encourages me to go on.

If my thoughts are hope-filled, so will my life be!

Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ
2 Corinthians 10:5 (KJV)

Devotion

Wow friday morning already. That means two weeks to go. Thats a long time to get through in this place with its oppressive corporate american culture. As usual I will pass the days with alchohol and manic socialising. I dreamt about her last night - that hasn't happened for a while.

Oh well I'll make it - I have my special rocks and my teddy bear. I guess its a little strange that a supposedly grown man sleeps with his teddy but what the hell. I've been doing it since I stopped sleeping with her. I dragged him out of the cupboard one night and he's been with me each night since. I think my cleaner must think its quite cute by the way she leaves him propped on my pillow when she makes the bed.

I also brought some of my CDs that I thought I might need
The Fragile - Nine Inch Nails
Fight Club Soundtrack - Dust Brothers
Odyssey Number Five - PowderFinger
I love you but... - friendly
but with characteristic brilliance I forgot to bring anything to play them on. Oh well I downloaded an mp3 player onto my workstation here and I found these days on the net so at least I have something.

Last night we ventured into St Charles and drank heavily. I took advantage of the fact that we are in a small town in a country that is somewhat more easily offended by foul language than my own and amused myself by seeing how much I could work the word cunt into conversation. I got back with a slight stagger and four candles from the last bar we went to.

I am still trying to decide what to do next. to Quit or not to Quit? If Quit then which offer do I take? The official offer letter arrived today from the Object/Java specialists. I think I may be leaning towards these guys - Its about 10k less than Im getting now but the work sounds interesting. I don't know though.

Kung's USA Daylogs prev next

Nothing special today. Got a few hours free from school, so bought a cd by the alan parsons project. Saw a few 14~(age) kids smoke a cigarette. Idiots.. I hate the tabacco industrie.

Heh.. A kind of short node, but there isn't much interesting stuff in my life.

Nodes: Added some lyrics to my eye in the sky node..

There was some difficulty waking up this morning, good thing tomorrow is saturday...
Had math 192, chem 215, and my freshman writing seminar. Tonight there is a rush party at Alpha Chi Sigma that i guess i'm gonna go to. I talked to my friend Rahul during chem class. He was doing the hw that was due today during the class because he, a friend, and a visiting pre-frosh went to a frat party last night and got plastered.

I think i'll play some badminton before i go off to the frat party tonight, and i know i have to call my parents. Its been a while since i've talked to them and it would be a bad idea to call them after the party (both the time and my condition are factors in that).

Interesting things that have happened so far today:

-My roommate accidently set his alarm for 5 am... that was wonderful
- I saw a biker fall off his bike after swerving to avoid a stray cat.
- I had two reports of a TCP port probe on my network security program Black Ice. (yeah... thats pretty harmless)

I have mononucleosis at present. Some of the most common symptoms of this disease are a sore throat, fever, enlargement of lymph nodes and extreme fatigue. It is an infectious disease, and is transmitted through saliva in such forms as sneezing, coughing or kissing. Some of my friends had mono this year, so when I started to develop the symptoms I instinctively knew I had it. And of course the blood test came back positive.

All of my days have been virtually the same during my battle with this infernal thing called "mono". I wake myself up usually at some point in the morning to force-feed myself some pills, namely amoxicillin and motrin ib. I say force feed because I have to drink water to get them down, and it almost always makes me want to cry because swallowing anything causes me incredible pain. Then I usually go to sleep again, and then wake up to watch a couple of soap operas because that's all that my mind can process. I try to eat something, like a banana, but it's usually too abrasive and I just don't eat anything the whole day.

I haven't been outside since I got back from the hospital to be tested for mono, which was three days ago. I haven't seen any people whatsoever except for my family, which I don't really count. I don't really think, I try sometimes to read or write but then I end up falling asleep. In fact, the time spent writing this node is probably the longest I've been fully awake. There is no cure for mono, and it stays with you for weeks if not months. Great...

The power in my dorm blinked this morning.

"Ha!", I thought to myself, as my roommate's computer rebooted, and all the clocks started flashing 12:00. "Glad I've got that UPS box!"

Little did I know, I was soon to learn the terrible price of hubris. The power shortage must have taken out a router momentarily, because Mozilla complained of reset connections, and then promptly crashed.

Irked by Mozilla, I took the risk of firing up Netscape instead. For those of you who don't run Linux, Netscape on Linux is even more of a slow, resource hogging, buggy beast than it is on Windows. About half an hour later, Netscape decided to freeze up, and take X Windows with it. Since my roommate was asleep, and I didn't want to borrow his computer without asking, and I didn't feel like walking across campus to a public computer lab to SSH in and kill -9 X, I just hard rebooted. Unfortunately, when my system came back up, I had the unpleasant surprise of watching dhcpcd fail to obtain an IP address for me. The DHCP server must have been taken out by the power blink. (This has happened before).

It took them 7 hours to fix this.

That's 7 hours without Everything. 7 hours without Slashdot. 7 hours without email! Shudder.

Thank goodness for A-Team reruns, and occasional breaks to go to class, or I'd have gone insane.

---

Update: I've since discovered that, unlike the dorms, the campus comuting center was without power for most of those seven hours, so I guess I can forgive their failing to correct the situation ;)

Someone seems to downvote me as soon as I hit sumbit. I could probably figure out who by gradually eliminating people who aren't on when it happens, but I don't care enough to do that. I'm not hurting for XP. I'm just curious as to *why*. Oh well. Anyway, it's my boyfriend's birthday! I got the prettiest cake. There's a grocery store here with beautiful cakes, not the usual chain-bakery thing at all. I love it. And I love that I don't have to think "Oh no, that's too girly, can't get it for him." The crystal and porcelain are sitting on the table at home. It should be a nice thing. And I heard that the picnic basket was just delivered--that's his main present--so that's a relief. I am still sick but I am determined not to let that get in the way.

Whispers of the Heart is still resonating in my head.

A quick trip around campus today taught me a wonderful lesson: The location of the off-campus bookstore. And this one HAS the student solutions manual for the calc class. Niftykeen.

I also beat the ~42,000 mark on Pac-Man in the OU arcade. Too bad the tourney ended yesterday.

Besides that, it was amazingly uneventful. The language department is in a state of complete disarray, meaning our German test was delayed until Monday. Huh. That's about it.

At home? Huh, just as uneventful. I started a noding spree which died out when the suggestion was made to go out and get some Dr Pepper and Vernor's. I'll get back to it, though... *evil cackle*

NEW NODES TODAY: You Don't Know Jack, Nate Shapiro, Buzz Shapiro, Guy Towers, Cookie Masterson, Josh 'Schmitty' Schmitstinstein

Could not wake up today. Sat through a lot of traffic with poor adoxograph. I really feel bad for dragging her into it so much. McDonald's is becoming a somewhat regular breakfast, which I fear...

Well, today I gave up on that goddamn Javascript. I spent a good 5 or 6 hours at work trying every last thing I could think of to make it work. I think that I have almost scientifically proven that it can't be done by trying every possible thing.

So what do I do? I fix a little PHP for default settings on some pages, then I'm back to Javascript. It never ends. Now I'm making a monster regular expression that is so huge that we laugh when we remember it's sole purpose is to format a phone number correctly.

We ordered a pizza from this Barcello's Restaurant and Pizzeria place we always get pizzas from at work. It's good I guess, but too fucking greasy. They should call it greaszza or something. I was a tad sickish from it, but whatever. I'm always a tad sickish.

I noded I piss my memory away. today because it's true. I think the only reason I didn't forget to node it is the fact that I go to the bathroom so much. Anyways...

Yeah. It's 8:30p and I'm at work. It's ok; it's voluntary tonight. I have nothing to do at home really except clean (Sam's moving in tomorrow and his mom and dad will be at my house for a while) and do what I'm doing now. Besides, I haven't done any work for 4 hours anyway. I think I might attempt to clear some of the liquor that's left in the fridge from the party. I will play Killer Instinct. I haven't played it all week, and I think my new thumb callous is going away; I can't have my thumb callous leaving me.

I have completed 107 data units for my SETI@Home account as of right now. That makes my ranking like 289,000 or something. Bad ass. Today I listened to System of a Down, Metalheadz (Platinum Breakz), Dark Side of the Moon, Photek, and Speedy J. Also heard a bunch of Goldie and DJ Blake B shit online. I ordered Dieselboy's A Soldier's Story from half.com, and almost got 97 Octane, but hesitated. Currently on the lookout for a place to get Technical Itch shit, and also Dillinja.

I am long-winded. That is my day. Good day.

Today: Work happens. Lunch with Q-; she notes that her biological clock has developed an uncomfortably loud tick. Play a little MM8. My sisters and their families and I take Dad out for dinner for his 60th birthday: The Crow's Nest on Rt. 17, Hasbrouck Heights. Each sister's family gets a promise of some computer hardware work: internal modem replacement for the Goetzls, RAM add for the Marosys. Watched some Olympics nonsense at my eldest sister's house, spent some quality time playing trucks with my nephew. The Goetzls have a new kitten, Annie, striped and spotted like a wee tame tigerleopard. A search for an mp3 of Heart's Barracuda is fruitless.
The week past: Brake master cylinder replacement and thermostat installation on the Sundance. Laundry (black and dark blues). Bought some flannel sheets in preparation for winter. Slowly catching up with rejected material lot dispositions, and brought some traceability documentation up to date. Called my aunt and uncle in Albany to OK a few days' stay with them later in the month - I haven't seen my grandmother (also in Albany) in years, she doesn't travel anymore, so if I want to see her I have to make the trip. While I'm there I hope to visit Howe Caverns and maybe survey the job market. Started a character for Charles' upcoming D&D 3E campaign. (Human thief/wizard, "Willie l'Golemme" - a pun on "wooly" + "leg o' lamb". I have a bet with myself on how long it takes my fellow players to figure that out.) Monday, my cousin once-removed gave me two sixes of Killian's Irish Red to install a replacement floppy drive, which turned out defective. I sold her my spare FDD; in the course of the evening I met her daughter. Such are my family relations that in 7 years living within walking distance, I never met this blood relative.

Sydney . I'm spending too much money. Especially on film.

The Torch Relay was due to return to Circular Quay this afternoon for its last stop in the city before setting off for the Opening Ceremony at the Stadium. In the morning it crossed the Harbor Bridge to the northern suburbs, including the Zoo. According to the website (www.olympics.com) timetable: "4.24 p.m. The Olympic flame will be carried on a Sydney Ferry between Manly and Circular Quay with the cauldron burning on the bow of the ferry."

Wandered through the city center. There's a Versace exhibition in a building formerly occupied by a bank. Decided to give it a miss today. Was told at the post office that Australian Olympic-issue stamps are for domestic use only. Stamps for international use have the word "International" on them, and these don't include Olympic ones. Sounds nuts to me. It's not going to stop me using the Olympics stamps on my internationally-bound postcards.

At Circular Quay an ocean liner was berthed near the Museum of Contemporary Art (2 others are at the Naval Dockyards). Swiss flags draped from some balconies of the new apartment complex. The American Express bureau showing the A$ dropping in value. In front of the Opera House were tiers of seats waiting for tomorrow's triathlon event. Sightseers of all nationalities, many with the ubiquitous plastic-cased access IDs and whatnot dangling from their necks. Some Sydney residents have become so irritated by these IDS (gratuitously worn everywhere by Olympics staff and tourists even when unnecessary) that they've taken to making and wearing ones of their own. Took up a spot on the forecourt steps of the Opera House, near the water.

It wasn't until then that I remembered that the Manly-Circular Quay ferry trip takes about 30 minutes, and it'd probably be even longer today. This didn't seem to have occurred to other sightseers either, who at 4.24 p.m. huddled at the steps railing and turned their gaze north-east over the water and waited in vain for the Torch ferry to appear. Shivered in the east wind blowing from the Harbor. Two people near me looked at photographs of their recent holiday in Greece and Italy. A young woman in a dress made out of a Union Jack, her boyfriend in Union Jack hat and cape. Watched a police dog and divers variously examine the nearby Man O'War Jetty, to which the Torch would be brought by launch after its arrival at the Quay. Police boats stationed themselves near Bennelong Point. Special Squad cops patrolled the area.

At last in the north-east distance we spotted a Water Police tugboat spouting huge jets of water, which seemed to herald the appearance of the ferry. It soon came into sight around a headland, surrounded by civilian craft. The ever-present helicopters. The flotilla came closer and we saw there was a small boat ahead of it, flying the Aboriginal flag. We strained to catch sight of the flame--no sign of it. As the ferry passed the Naval Dockyards one of the ocean liners hooted 3 times, the ferry hooted back, and the liner replied--Close Encounters of the Third Kind. The ferry disappeared from our eyes behind the Opera House; we'd not expected to see it again, but, standing on the forecourt steps with our back to the water, we caught sight of the ferry docking at the Quay and--"There it is!"--in a vessel on the bow, was, indeed the Olympic flame.

It then travelled (in the form of two lit lanterns) by police launch in a short trip from the Quay at the left of the Opera House to the Man O' War Jetty at the right. The lantern carriers disembarked and vanished into the bowels of the Opera House, to the puzzlement of the assembled crowds who seemed at a loss as to where to go next. People rushed from one part of the forecourt to another. I was hungry and frozen stiff, all I wanted to do was get down the steps and back to the city (the image of a hamburger with hot salty fries was beckoning); and as all the other avenues were blocked off, the only way to do it was to take the long way round the waterfront at the back of the Opera House. Here were more crowds, looking up at the Opera House sails as if waiting for somebody to jump off them--but there was nobody there. At ground level to the left of the Opera House were even more people, all mysteriously also staring up. An Australian network TV crew were filming a reporter, people cramming in to stand behind him and wave their flags madly, their cheers and the sound of the helicopters above almost drowning out his words. German tourists laughed at the sight. Near and above us the crowds on the edge of the forecourt steps watched and waved and photographed us. Then, suddenly, was what everyone including the TV crew had ostensibly been waiting for: the appearance of the Torch carrier on top of one of the Opera House sails. She was a tiny figure against the clouded sky, holding up the Torch, the seemingly-fluorescent flame visible even at that distance. More loud cheering and waving. Helicopters hovered near.

It was 6.15 p.m. Time to leave. I and hundreds of people hurried back to the central business district--some to take public transport home to their TV sets, others to parties, others to open-air party-type venues around the city where the Olympic Games Opening Ceremony would be broadcast live on video screens. I'd forgotten that Martin Place was one such site, and made the mistake of taking a "shortcut" through, a big mistake. Before I realized it I was in the midst of thousands of people sitting on the ground in Martin Place between Macquarie and Phillip Streets, in front of the video screen below the Olympic Rings installation. Many others standing at the side. Found out afterwards that site officials turned away late arrivals because there just wasn't any room left. There, at the time, I figured the only way out was to get across to the other side. Once you've committed yourself to traversing a large public square by stepping gingerly across a sea of seated people, hundreds of pairs of eyes watching you amusedly or with resentment, the only thing to do is get to the other side as fast as possible while treading on the least number of people's extremities. A relief to be out of the spotlight of attention and into a quiet side street.

Further on I passed carefree revellers making their way to Martin Place (poor deluded fools) with cases of beer. A long line waiting to enter a liquor store; the streets otherwise emptying fast. At 7 p.m. began the event I'm told Sydneysiders have waited 7 years (it seemed a lifetime) for: the Olympic Games Opening Ceremony. Which needs no description by me.

September 9, 2000
September 12, 2000
September 14, 2000
September 18, 2000
September 24,2000
September 29, 2000
September 30, 2000
October 1, 2000
October 2, 2000

This entry was made monday morning.

Around 5pM I give notice of my intent to leave my job. Not quite the flat threat of two weeks notice, but one of those "I'd like a decent recommendation, so here's fair warning." This has been something that I've been considering for weeks, if not months. Since returning from my vacation, I've been trying to just roll over, and stick it out. It's not like I don't get paid for my work, mind, but at this point, I really can't imagine staying here another week...

I curse this place.