Being short

Recently, I discovered my favourite reason to enjoy being short: Taller women with large breasts...ahhhh

I'm standing in the doorway of a crowded subway car, turned sideways in an attempt to maintain my position at the door while letting other folk pass by. Before my eyes float the most beautiful, large, round, and juicy pair of breasts peeking out at me from beneath a tight shirt.

I have no idea what the owner's face looks like. I really don't care. Time slows, my eyes are still fixated, my mouth salivates.

All I can think is, "Mommy! Feed me!"

She turns, they're gone. I literally have to use my hand to force my mouth closed.

Mommy! Feed me!
*sigh* :)

I spend a lot of time wishing that I was not black or a woman or ugly, but the one thing I think about most is not being short. I’m 5’0.5” or if you count my hair 5’1” – I think that shortness is one of the most debilitating social deformities a person can have (Well, with the exception of being hunchbacked, or strikingly asymmetric.) The trouble with shortness is that few people recognize or care about the trauma that years and years of teasing can cause. It’s also hard to make the case that someone has treated you unfairly due to height, in fact, it’s hard to even know why you were treated unfairly, let alone put together enough of a case to defend yourself.

Where did the bias against short people come from? Cross-cultural research has found that it is nearly universal. While some cultures do not place as much emphasis on height nearly all favor taller people for positions of leadership, marriage, friendship, and social advancement or promotion.

Social Darwinism might suggest that shorter people have had poor reproductive rates—this is true in the extreme, it is also true that people who are extremely tall may have other health complications. It would seem, then, that the preferred height would be average ( in the USA that’d be 5’4.5” for women, 5’8” for men.) Instead according to 9 out of 10 women I questioned in the deli at lunch today the ideal man is 6’0”—the mannequins in banana republic of women are 5’10”

I would love to be 5’10” for just one day. In fact, if I could be 5’10” for just one day I think I could lie down after that and be happy and die.

oh to be tall
To walk down the street and be able to see where I was going. To be able to see my face in the mirror in the women’s room without standing on tip toe. To look good in pants. To have “high-waters” To be able to look men in the eye (there are men as short as me but I hardly ever see them.) To have long legs. To put on high heels and, in fact, be high. To be treated like an adult. To be carded less often. To have my feet reach the floor when I sit in a chair. To feel like I belong.

I have no scars on my forehead from running into cupboard doors. I am safe from low-hanging light fixtures and the tops of door frames. I am humble, from Humus: close to the ground, and I will, actuarial tables say, not find myself real humus until after my taller brethern, who typically succumb to tallness-related illnesses such as heart attacks earlier than me. Being short means I am also closer to the good things in life - small animals and cute kids among them - and am less likely to suffer the elder-embarrassment of having my false teeth pop out as I bend over to pat aforesaid good things.

If I were skinnier, I could shop in the boyswear department. Boys get to wear clothing that's way cooler than what men have to choose from, and while it is possible for me to lose some weight if I'm so motivated, it would require much more determination to lose some height. I also get to drive a really sweet little car that is just out of the picture for someone taller, unless s/he is versed in advanced autoeroticism.

Being short means I can actually stretch out in the bathtub. I can enjoy the ride from the back seat. Flying economy class is not hazardous to my health. And unless I'm sitting behind Six-Foot Sam, watching a movie is two hours with legroom.

For every woman who tingles at the sight of someone 30cm taller than her, there is another who thinks short guys are just "sooooo sweet," and wants to wrap them up in a little blankie and take them home and give them warm milk and honey to drink and fuck them until dawn. Works for me. While I have no wish to take advantage of such a mothering instinct, I'm not rejecting it either. And it is not a small pleasure to know that there are tall people who envy my stature.

So where does being short turn sour? Festival seating at a rock concert. The active part of a mosh pit. Reaching stuff on the top shelf at the supermarket. But all things considered, these are remediable situations, and in short, I'd rather be.

This writeup is an Everything2® exclusive

Shortness
Or: A Most Unfortunate Companion to Redheadedness

The Short Person is immediately recognizable in a crowd by virtue of not being as tall as those others in the group. This is the first indication of shortness, and more often than not will aid you in identifying which among your circle is the Short One.

There will be a Short One.

Setting the Terms

Of course, height works on a sliding scale, and an operational definition is wanted for further understanding of the condition. There are two main kinds of shortness:

1. Empirical: You are below, or well below, the average height in your country.


2. Relative: You are below, or well below, the height of the people with whom you associate.

Your status as an Empirically Short Person is unchangeable; it is ignorable only if you surround yourself with people of lesser height, and never venture into situations where taller people may be present.

If you are Relatively Short, you may still be Empirically Tall, and have a great deal less to worry about in life. If you are both Relatively and Empirically Short, you have chosen your friends poorly, and should seek new companions immediately if you wish to change your status to Relatively Tall.

You will never be Empirically Tall, barring catastrophic alteration of the average height.

Attempts to personally contribute to that alteration are strongly discouraged by state and federal authorities.

A Change of Time or Place

The average heights of Men and Women have changed over time and vary by race (if such a thing exists--consult your local scientist) and geographic location. The average height of the African male is above that of the Asian, and the average height of the modern European is above that of the Medieval. Some examples:

• 16th Century British male: 5'6"
• 16th Century British female: 5'1"


• Modern British male: 5'8"
• Modern British female 5'3"


• 18th Century early Colonial American male: 5'7.5"
• 18th Century early Colonial American female: 5'2.25"


• Modern American male: 5'9"
• Modern American female: 5'4"


• Modern Japanese male: 5'5"
• Modern Japanese female: 5'0"

So, if Marty McFly (5'4") had gone back to 1555 instead of 1955, someone might finally have asked him how the weather was up there. As it stands--when he stands--he's short.

So Many Names

There's no shortage of diminutives for people of lesser than average stature. Clearly, wit and height are not directly related.

• Shorty


• Shrimp


• Tiny


• Half-pint


• Half-size


• Shortstuff


• Shortstack


• Dwarf


• Midget


• Vertically Challenged


• Speck


• Little


• Mini


• Pygmie

And once, some behemoth came up to me, patted me on the head, and in a low, dumb voice said, 'perch.'

You may also be:

• Short-changed


• Short-tempered


• Short-fused


• Short-sheeted


• Short-listed


• Short-circuited

Function Follows Form

Short people have had an interesting place in history, not much of it grand.

Sometimes, a lack of height gives us a highly undesirable usefulness. We drew the pick of dangerous military duties:

• Tunnel Diggers: Or Tunnel Rats. Short people have been selected to dig and dig out since World War I, though the job gained notoriety during Vietnam.


• Submarine Duty: They built the tin cans small in World War II. The entirely volunteer service was a special province for those that could actually fit in them.


• Ball Turret Gunners: B-17s needed to be protected from below by a man hanging onto two machine guns in an exposed plexiglass sphere. Anyone of reasonable height need not apply.

And we put forth at least two tyrants of great but little thought of renown:

• Napoleon Bonaparte


• Alexander the Great

Both set on largely on World Domination, both achieving a good measure of it, and both still remembered as being short. How much their height had to do with their career choices is purely a matter of speculation.

Height Restrictions

More people than not wish to be tall, or in any case, taller than they are. I would settle for the inch and half needed to get me up to average. The fact of being less is a thing reflected in ways unthought of until known. I must continue with greater respect to the male experience; it is the one I know, and the only one I'm qualified to write. Some of these may apply to both sexes.

Not all will agree with the following.

Sport

Despite all the room that would be left if they used us, there still isn't much room in professional athleticism for the short. Basketball, American football, soccer, baseball, volleyball--all these are dominated by great big large types that can either crush other humans or cover large spaces quickly.

We can play tennis and fence, but 'reach' is an unignorable and advantageous factor in both, and who follows fencing nowadays anway?

There is the possibility of boxing within our class, but I haven't seen any Pay-per-view advertisements or bars promising to show the latest, greatest featherweight bout.

The effect of shortness on my athleticism, perhaps as a function of the survival instinct, is an ability to run fast and rapidly change direction.

Wardrobe

The Goliaths among you have your Big and Tall Stores. Short people have a scant selection of ill- fitting clothes at one end of the rack.

Moreover, there is the additional curse of short men sometimes looking slightly ridiculous in formal wear. Tom Cruise may look excellent in his tuxedo on the screen, but you might snicker if you saw him in it on the street.

The phenomenon remains largely unexplained, but height and cute seem to be inversely proportional, and few men wearing tuxedoes want to be thought of as 'cute'. The little groom on the wedding cake is cute. We are not to be confused.

Interheight Couples

Gentlemen, if you're on the wrong side of this one, you will have problems. There are certain things short men cannot easily do with taller women while maintaining traditional ideas of masculinity. They include, but are not limited to:

• Dancing: It's difficult to spin a girl when you can't get your arms over her head, or get adequate ground clearance when lifting her (this applies only to certain dances). When swing was big a few years back, many a man went wallflower for such reasons.


• Spooning: Unless the guy wants to be on the inside, which really does feel a bit odd. If he tries to be the outer spoon, he risks suffocation.


• Hugging/Kissing: Again, this is only if you feel it should be the way you've seen it done. When she wants a cuddle, and can't get her head on your shoulder or lips to yours without bending her knees or putting you on an incline, you'll really feel the height difference.


• Certain Sexual Positions: It's a question of mechanics and phsyics, people. Use your imagination. Things have to line up a certain way, and sometimes, they just don't. Which isn't to say we don't come up with creative solutions.

Women considering dating a short man should also take into account that any high-heeled shoes become unwearable, and that you will appear comical to some when walking in public.

Short men are encouraged to stifle the overcompensatory desire to beat the crap out of at least one tall man in front of her, as it seldom works and is often counterproductive.

Looking Up

There are some benefits to being short, or shorter, than average:

• We hit our heads less


• High ceilings seem even higher


• No one bothers us to get things off top shelves (not that we can use them ourselves) or change light bulbs


• Our natural eye-line is often right where we'd be looking anyway


• No one resents us because of our height


• By adulthood, most of us can go on all the rides


• Apparently, we do not fall as hard.

In Short Sum:

The condition of being short has its challenges, and if you have the option to be anything else, I would take it.

That is not to say that we should not proud of who we are. But it's no good drawing ourselves up to our full heights, because they just don't amount to much.

Instead, we should be proud, and in our tiny enclaves and secret small places the tall folk don't know about, continue to plot vengeance.

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Big Thanks to:
www.plimoth.org/Library/l-short.htm
www.univ-lille1.fr/pfeda/Ngonut/2000/0003g.htm
www.tallpages.com/uk/ukstatist.php

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I should perhaps add that I am 5'7". Not particularly short, but I grew up in the Midwest, amongst giants.

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