Today I finally filled out the Petition for Divorce. It's short, just a few checkboxes where you reiterate that you don't have kids, no, not even adopted ones, no, not even disabled ones, and then some lines on which to itemize your assets. The final portion is simply titled "Prayer," and the prayer goes like this:

I ask the Court to grant me a divorce because the marriage has become insupportable due to discord or conflict of personalities that destroys the legitimate ends of the marriage relationship and prevents any reasonable expectation of reconciliation. My spouse and I do not get along and do not plan to live together ever again. I also ask the Court to make the other orders I have asked for in this Petition and any other orders I am entitled to.

I really have no idea if this section is necessary. I'm using forms that I found when I googled "Texas DIY divorce" and it may not be required that I perjure myself, which is what I am sort of doing in signing this statement. The truth is, we get along better than most couples. The truth is, we don't have any plan on where we're going to live. I'm trying to buy a house and we have four months left on our lease, so we know we'll be living apart soon, but no one has made a formal "plan" beyond the lease's termination.

The truth is that I really don't care if I'm perjuring myself in this instance, because I firmly believe it's none of the Court's damned business how we get along or where we live. We paid $25 to get married and filed a one-page form. That there is no equally simple process for ending the marriage feels to me like entrapment, like "what god has joined together, let no man put asunder (for less than $250)." Yes, true, I was ignorant about the law as it applies to marriage and I probably agreed to get married for stupid, sentimental reasons. But I know better now and it seems like bullshit that the government is unwilling to let me correct my mistake without a fight.

Worse than anger is the guilt at the sense that I'm betraying my family and friends, all the people who were at the wedding and believed there was intent behind what we were doing. I'm not sure I'm going to tell my parents. I'm not sure I can explain the mostly philosophical reasoning behind this, the feeling that I have stopped being me and have become one hemisphere of something I'm unable to ever separate myself from. Explain that I miss being completely alone, and the only person responsible for and affected by my decisions.

I guess there are people who see marriage as something holy or magical, but I've come to see it as valueless. It's more industry than institution and I wonder how many of us can really articulate why we pursue it. The portion of the prayer I can really get behind is the bit about no expectation of reconciliation. I don't see the law and I coming to any agreement on this issue, and that is the sole source of discord in my marriage. If I can't be married to my husband as an independent entity, if I'm not allowed to love or live with someone without us surrendering our autonomy, the law will just have to go and fuck itself.