I survived another morning with the four and five year olds. I came home, crashed on the couch, and fell asleep for at least two hours, maybe longer. Friends of mine on Twitter were discussing budgeting and finance. I've made progress in this area, but still have a long way to go. Seeing that bill and knowing I have another one coming is making me sick to me stomach. It seems like an unsurmountable obstacle, but I know the worst part is not knowing how large the bill that is coming will be, and I'm operating from a fear based mentality that is starting to make my life catastrophic instead of breaking things down and taking the small steps that I can.
I've written about this before, but I need and want to become a better planner. I tend to wing things when having a plan increases efficiency, reduces stress, and allows me to tick things off as they are accomplished or addressed. I left a message for the attorney who sent me the letter. I'm going to ask if I can negotiate and if they say no which they probably will since their job is to get as much money out of me as they can I'm going to offer them fifty dollars a month. I owe money to an aunt of mine that I've sporadically thrown bits and pieces of money at throughout the years. I need to be more accountable and responsible if I'm fed up with that in others.
Another thing I need to do is get into physical therapy and make an appointment to see the rheumatologist. I felt dreadful today. I managed to cope, but the situation was less than ideal. Today I was talking to a mom who home schools her children. She said she's noticed that when she makes sure that her children have food at the right times, get enough sleep, and get periodic breaks, they're much better students than if she tries to push them. I am simultaneously too hard on myself while not being hard enough. This is crazy silly and needs to stop. So now that I'm aware of the problem I need to find ways to address it. Sticking to a daily routine I've created would help. Making lists of tasks and items to buy is another. I'm not planning to fail, I'm failing to plan.
This is how my brain works. Take an event such as eating breakfast. I always enjoy and feel good about myself after drinking fresh orange juice. But then I start thinking about how expensive organic oranges are and how they're not always in season. I can buy non-organic oranges, I can buy freshly squeezed juice at the store, but then I'm bringing home another container when I'm making an effort to reduce the packaging me and my family consumes. I think about the electricity I'm using when I squeeze oranges in my juicer. I could extract the juice by hand, but that's a less efficient manner and I would end up wasting some of the juice I could have had if I had used my juicer.
It really goes back to a fundamental lack of self worth. I am on this earth and will consume goods and services. I think at some primitive level I don't feel as if I am deserving and worthy of fresh orange juice or many of the other things in life I could be having and experiencing. Nobody is perfect a hundred percent of the time. I need to realize that I can buy food that makes me feel more energetic and well nourished without these crushing feelings of guilt associated with the acts of consumption. At some point I need to abandon the breakfast dilemma that I've created in my mind so I can move forward to other items that deserve my time and attention. I'm not really solving anything by worrying and feeling guilty, it makes me feel worse than if I would have spent the money on organic oranges in the first place.
A separate example is my date this coming Saturday. I would really like to go get my nails done. Because I don't have a budget for this month, and because I've recently acquired a significant debt while another possibly larger debt looms I'm feeling financially constricted. I can either get my nails done and have that experience or I can not get them done and have that money. I could save some money by buying a bottle of nail polish and painting my nails myself, but I really want the professional look. I want a treat for myself because I've survived this week. Getting my nails done feels like a treat, but the problem is I haven't earned any money and don't expect to until I land a job which could take an indefinite period of time.
I need to make decisions instead of constantly dithering. Either way I will live with the consequences of my decision. I spent more money than I should have on food this past month. We still have a week left of June and I'm getting the girls back which means I'll need to make meals for them. No problem. I can make meals. I can go back to my original plan of getting the protein down and preparing sides to go with it. I can go to the bank and withdraw the amount of cash I've budgeted for groceries each week and take that with me to the store to reduce impulse buys. The future is still uncertain, but planning will help reduce some of the incredible anxiety I'm currently feeling. I'm not going to reach for meds. I'm going to take a bath, a walk, and put together plans. Action, and not drugs is the answer.