What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.

Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.

How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)?
Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.

Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Violins don't have spit valves.

Why should you never try to drive a nail with a violin?
You might bend the nail.

A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"

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