A professional drinker is similar to a professional athlete. While the average drinker is out to have a good time, a professional drinker is out training or competing out of pure love of the sport. A true passion for drinking must be had, because most nights after paying your entry fee even if your the winner for the evening you generally wind up down overall financially.

The professional drinker regards his habit as an art form. All the little twists and turns of alcohol have burned their indelible /msg's into his remaining brain cells. He (or she) knows exactly what to expect from every drop of liquid drawn from the cup. The stages are enumerated in groups of tens.

This is why the Professional Drinker would never be caught dead in any situation where several amateurs are known to imbibe.

For instance, it is highly unlikely that you will see a Pro at any New Year's Eve festivities. This is the worst night of the year to try and snake your way through a plethora of wannabe drunks. Other events usually avoided:

• Saint Patrick's Day pub crawls
• Fourth of July picnics
• Superbowl parties
• Mardi Gras
• Uncle Elmo's 65th birthday party
• Proms
• Anything at a fraternity house
• Irish wakes