That state of having had your feelings of love crushed underfoot like sakura petals after a rainstorm. Broken hearts heal, but they scar, too. Maybe they become stronger with time.

what does it mean to have a broken heart? I always used to assume that it was descriptive of that horrible aching pain that I felt in my chest for almost a year afterwards.

But after the hurt subsided, after the rough lacerated edges were numbed by time, I found another interpretation. I came to realise that my heart was still broken - broken in that it didn't work anymore. Of course it still pumped freshly oxygenated blood around my body with mindless efficiency, often in spite of me, but I am referring to the supposed romantic function of the heart. That which enables us to fall and to be in love. I didn't seem to be able to do that anymore.

I went through a string of very short relationships because I found that once the initial novelty wore off ( usually at about the 2 week mark) I felt nothing. It was like I was dead inside. I seemed to be incapable of feeling anything other than a mild affection. I remember one evening where despite her best efforts I was sincerely more interested in what was on television than in the girl on the couch beside me. broken. all broken.

After several years of this flat numb existence something started to work again. I fell in love once more and it was only then that I fully appreciated how lonely I had been. Now though, the pain in my chest is back - and I can feel that under there somewhere, beneath that ache, something has broken again. Already I have felt that emptiness, that numbness, that sudden ambivalence. Maybe it will fix itself again in time, but maybe it wont. Maybe if it does this time then next time it wont. Surely you can trash something only so many times before it breaks for good. Then I will be empty and numb for the rest of my life.

sometimes I think this would be a good thing

This will be my last node, this phase of my life is over. Although my time on everything2 has been interesting it has some pain with it I want to rid myself of. I started noding due to love, and I'm stopping due to the lack there of.

I will never forget falling in love, or saying I love you for the first time. Unfortunately all those people that told me I would get crushed were right. It took some time, it was a hell of a ride, but here I am, crushed. For those of you reading this node, please don't go any farther without reading both my falling in love node and my I love you node.

As realization as to what is happening enters your brain and it all clicks, your throat closes up, your chest feels crushed. You begin to go back over what has happened and you wish somehow you were wrong. I haven't felt anything more painful than needing someone that didn't need me. The person you were always true to doesn't need you any more. Maybe they even have someone new.

Some pain is the kind you can ignore, other is apparent and takes your attention. This is worse, it's everywhere and nothing can shake it.

I cry a lot and I feel very alone, my connection is gone, my soul is torn. It's my fault as much as hers, but still very painful. Someday maybe I'll be needed again. For now I'm alone. I don't regret falling in love, I regret not knowing what was happening until it was too late.

Thank you everyone for your time, goodbye.

TOTT