Mongolian Horse Archer Mushroomaloumi

I recently invented this food resembling item recently. INVENTED! And before you say "ha- my good man, this is almost food molecule for food molecule the exact same food resembling item invented by Mongolian horse archers in the era of Gorthak the Trembler, you bounder" - remember that I will cut off your arms with your legs for doing so. Because I am in a healing phase.

This edible kitchen product aims at hitting you dangerously hard and fast in both the 'fullness' and 'fucktastic taste-ickal' glands simultaneously. It is entirely vegetarian friendly unless you really really like cows and don't think people should play with their boobies. It is fast cooking and light on the fizz, so you can prepare it on horseback and slam it down fast before pincushioning some hapless infantry types. There is also a handy synopsis that explains its preparation in one sentence if you skip to the end.

-Ingrediements-

• Haloumi: the cheese. Preferrably not the unbearably salty variety that sucks water out of your eyeballs when you partake of it. About 200grams should do, or standard block size whatever that might be in the dripping bizarreness that you laughingly call your country.
• Mushrooms: the fungus penises. Standard Australian military issue. I used fresh medium sized ones a bit larger than your eyeball would be if you plucked it from its comfy home in your head. I would choose a less painful comparison technique, if I thought that I cared. At least a couple of healthy handfuls.
• Butter: the cow extrusion. Enough to get nice and bubbly in a decent sized pan. And I know already what you're thinking: "COOL, I WILL BURN THE BUTTER INTO A HORRIBLE BROWN WATERY SMOKEY PRODUCTION OF EVIL, AND YET AMAZINGLY THE RECIPE WILL STILL WORK". Nice work Archduke Fuckeditallup III. Do not burn butter even though your first thoughts will automatically turn in this direction given human propensity for violence and destruction.
• Tomatoes: the confusing fruit that isn't Richard Simmons. I chose wisely to use three of them. They were fresh, not glooped vaingloriously from can's inhumanity to man.
• Fresh Basil Leaves: I think the one plotting against me from the backyard is Thai Basil, but it also has a suspiciously Lithuanian accent. Who gives a rats, it's Basil, and I assault with the speed of a cyclone to mercilessly pillage its leaves. Umm - a generous handful would be good.
• Tomato paste: Tube, plastic tub, jar - I leave the receptacle choice in your quivering hands.
• Cracked Pepper: It's black, peppery and chunky. Rub it into your eyeballs to see why you shouldn't.
• Chili: I harnessed the world engorging power of my lazyness and used a bottled chili sauce of luciferous heatitude. I suspect you could also use fresh chilis, although I will not be held responsible if this obliquely leads to the reappearance of Atlantis or widespread delegging for arm removal purposes.
• Water: Do not be tempted to use your own pee despite it being mostly water. Use only non-human based water sources.

-Perpertration Stylee-

First we enter the heady stage of cutting shit up. To avoid losing children or hands please engage in basic safety practices such as being sane and keeping knife size down to at least smaller than claymore. Robot laser devices may be used if handy. Ninjas will also speed perpertration time but increase likelihood of limbdeath by an order of magnitude.

Cut the haloumi slab into smaller slabs. It's technical I know, but blame the French. Why? Because you can and should. I ended up with smaller slabs about as big as the ones I ended up with.

Make the tomatoes die by cutting them into chunky bits. I chose a tasteful orange wedge style, after prudishly removing the end with the hard brown bit and giving it to my dog who is totally fetishist for tomatoes. If you have handy ninjas, pirates or food eating robots (who may also be or not be pirates and/or ninjas), be sure to give them the tomato remnants to keep them at peak injuricity.

Pull the stalks out of the mushrooms if they're still proudly stalking away at you. Do not peel them unless you want to peel them. If you're weird about cow shit you might also want to wash them. Fucking weirdo. If you cut the mushrooms up they will be (a) smaller, and (a) screaming in mushroom language pain, and you will be (a) ignoring my directions NOT TO CUT THE FUCKING BEAUTIFUL MUSHROOMS UP DOCTOR MENGELE.

Form the Basil molecule by molecule into the shape of Basil leaves, or leave it the hell alone if your Basil has already manifested in leaf form. Then savagely cut them into halves with extremely gay abandon.

-Making Shit Hot Now-

Carefully sculpt a big hunk of butter into a marvelous, marvelous Faberge Egg. Then throw it into the now hot pan. My stove has no intrusive temperature relating devices so somewhere between penguin tits and petrol covered monk should be about right. Madly throw in the haloumi slabs of indeterminate size and mushrooms, with great care. Make them go brown with the harnessed puissance of entropically enraged butter. Please be observing the heady responsibility of turning the pan inhabitants over to ensure overall browness. Grind or whittle some cracked pepper into you eyes, and the pan contents, in no particular order.

Your golden bounty awaits friends. Friends that you will now condemn to a hideous scorchy death. TURN THE HEAT DOWN EXACTLY ONE bit. Now roll your shoulders to get all gymnastically limber, and Frenziedly throw tomato chunks at the pan from a distance of no less than three meters. FUEL YOUR MIGHTY HEAVES WITH HUNGER RAGE. Then with otherworldly grace spooge, spoon or dump some tomato paste onto the whole mess. This may require coming closer again, or humanitarian pirate intervention. Some time before the tomato paste sticks to the pan and becomes organic epoxy glue, like mayhap immediately, splash some water in the pan. Most likely a glass shaped amount of water. Almost soup, almost sauce; spanning worlds of liquidity with a rakish tilted hat and hands on hip this dish is.

Splort some very hot chili sauce at the now simmering mix, and artfully but brutally cause Basil to become one with the dish also. The amount of chili employed will depend upon your reactions to the following three statements: