Note to all the other mid 20 somethings. Older women are great partners.
Things I've obtained since my last birthday:
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JeffMagnus node count: 4010 (5 new since July 30, 2000) JeffMagnus experience: 9074 (32 more since July 30, 2000) JeffMagnus experience to node ratio: 2.263 XP per node JeffMagnus nodeshare: 0.637% JeffMagnus node of the day: E2 server facts
I knew I shouldn't have gone. I knew he'd be there. I knew because I, like the fool I am, told her that I would be there. And he was there. Holding her hand, her arm wrapped around his, the smile in her face. I caught her looking at me several times. I know she knows how I feel. I know she once felt the same way. Hell, it's been 5 years now. If I had told her, it may have been me holding her hand, making her smile like that.
But I am such a coward.
And that's why it wasn't me. And why it won't. I'm a coward.
They disappeared shortly after it ended. She didn't stick around to say hello, like she normally does when I'm in town.
I know now she knows. Maybe it's fear, maybe it's gloating. Maybe it's more of a "I had a crush on you for so many years, but you broke my heart, now's my chance to break yours".
Every time I looked at them, something echoed in my mind. A glimmer of hope it was, a light like none other. MLK's voice saying "Free at last, free at last". I know now that I have a crossroad in my life.
One path leads me to a life of happiness, but never see her again. Another path leads me along with her, but the road will itself will be the cause of unbearable pain.
It's not a decision I want to make.
dizzy pointed out to me that the chronic fatigue syndrome writetup had turned into a nodeshell (presumably a copyright violation) so I decided to write something there.
Update on the asbestos problem I mentioned on July 30, 2000. We spoke to the council and they say that the flue to our gas water heater (which has to be removed) probably is white asbestos. Our plumber says the flue is in sections and that he can remove it without breaking the absbestos (and releasing the dangerous fibres) and so according to the council that should be fine. It's still a bit worrying though.
Just to be sure we got an asbestos expert to come and look and he confirmed there was nothing to worry about. So feel a bit less anxious about this now.
A friend came over this afternoon. She cares for a guy who has really bad cfs. She's planning to emigrate to New Zealand and live by the sea. Good plan! She brought me some beautiful sunflowers and a wide array of cakes. Woohoo!
Yesterday, Next day log
Yesterday | Dizzy->Day_Logs() | Tomorrow
9:30 BST
Is that an Inhaler in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?
The girl in that canteen kept staring at my crotch - enough to make me very, very paranoid. Have I got an amusing stain down there? No. My Ventolin inhaler is in my pocket - arranged just so, making me look... aroused.
Saw Titan A.E. last night. The plot is obviously aimed at kids, but the art and graphics were amazing - enough to offset the poor plot and cel animation.
11:30 BST
Some web and usability links for your reading pleasure: http://www.alistapart.com/stories/marsvenus/index.html - A list apart compares the usability experts and the design wizards http://www.nathan.com/thoughts/seduction/ - the seductive user interface http://www.lab404.com/dan/ - eye candy from the underground http://www.lemonyellow.com/essays/essay_style.htm - try to template your style as well as your site
13:20 BST
Went for a walk at lunchtime and stopped off at the chemists for my asthma medicine. Proved again that my nick is very well chosen by: walking out of the doctors before remembering to book an appointment, forgetting when the appointment was while still at the booking desk, filling in the prescription incorrectly, forgetting to pay for the prescription, paying then putting the receipt away which meant that I had to take it out again to collect, saying I would be coming back later when I meant I would wait for the medicine and offering money when I collected the prescription when I had already paid.
Dizzy by name...
19:15 BST
Cream Crackered again. Walking 2 and a half miles home when you're an unfit geek is a tiring experience.
Oh babe I love it when you slide Stay with me Slide all the time, don't go I love the way you smile Stay with me
Someone complained on #everything that the daylogs are too long - I hope I'm not the target of that comment :(
Just watched Enemy of the State again: I was ten seconds into it before I realized I've seen it before. At the vid store, the cover triggered a mental note: that's the film I've been meaning to see. Unfortunately, it was an old mental note that should have been garbage-collected.
The movie was good again a second time. Then again I enjoyed the film "The Patriot" with Mel Gibson the other night: I seem to have the knack lately of overlooking atrocious flaws in plot, script and mindset of movies lately, and enjoying them even when they reek.
I got the Caffine Sampler from ThinkGeek.com last Friday. It is really cool. I plan on trying each flavor of drink today, so by the time I am ready to leave my co-workers will be ready for me to leave.
Home: I didn't get any thing done today. I am such a slacker, and I hate it. I know I need to do things, but I just keep going back to the things I screw around with.
*sigh*
While walking from the train stop to my office, I realized what a lovely sunny day it was and how nice it would be to have a day off.
Maybe I'll go get a coffee and smoke.
Not too much work since I'll be leaving this job in 2 weeks, and moving to a new job in a new country (again) in September. Have already reserved the boat tickets from Helsinki to Rostock. From there, a couple days leisurely driving. Yipeee! Weather will be much better there.
Well, I'm not sick anymore but my neck hurts. I left the window open last night when I went to sleep go I guess when I kicked off my blankets (as I apparently often do) I got a nice cool breeze on my back which was great when the room was hot and stuffy, but not so good when I woke up all sore and stiff. A good, long, hot shower helped a lot. That's my advice for the day: long, hot showers rock.
Tomorrow I"m supposed to go out to lunch with a lot of former co-workers in Mountain View. Since I'm the only person left here (damned my mindless loyalty!) no doubt I'll be called on to deliver the bulk of the news and gossip. I make it sound like I don't want to do it, but that's not true. No matter how shy I pretend to be (and believe you me, it's very, very shy) I still like being the center of attention. It's always nice to have an audience, I think. Even if it's only an audience of one.
I really hate the way the cubicles here at work are set up. The computer is kitty-cornered (for you pedantic bastards, cater-cornered) from the entrance so my back is always exposed. I'm not (very) paranoid or anything, but it startles me whenever I'm working and someone sneaks up behind me. I must have been a cowboy in a past life -- "always keep your back to the wall".
Why has ophie stopped putting headlines in her daily log? I thought that was a great idea.
Vladimir Putin fires six generals in the Russian Army. Ehud Barak survives a vote of no-confidence in Israel. Republicans open their convention in Philladelphia. Wildfires rage in Western US. Random House starts e-book division. Intel ships 1.13 GHz CPU.
Work was mentioned in USA Today. Not a particularly flattering article either. Most distressing, the quote "more layoffs are likely." Not exactly what you want to hear. I'll bet you a buck that there'll be an allstaff email this morning from the CEO saying that the reporter is wrong, he was misquoted, etc.
Long weekend.
She and I sat down to watch Magnolia on friday night, but her sister's soon to be ex-boyfriend called, in an apparently suicidal state, and she needed to talk him out of it. So, after an hour of the movie, spent an hour and a half watching Oprah pimp the new Eddie Murphy movie, while half-heartedly listening to her calm Jon Sr. down.
I later was criticized for being insensitive, because after about an hour, I was getting slightly annoyed with the fact that I was being ignored for the phone. Baaah.
Saturday went to the city, with her anorexic high school friend and some other people from the summer.
Sunday had breakfast, then had some much-needed alone time. Saw Gladiator, for the third time. Then, inspired by the movie, played some Bushido Blade.
So far have been productive at work; a typical monday. The boss is gone for a funeral; I am preparing a presentation. Our servers are breaking left and right, and all I can do is laugh and say, "It's your fault, end user!" Hmm... I don't feel much like noding today; perhaps the extended dose of the real world shocked my system?
When she finally dropped off, we all slept pretty deeply until 5am, when a neighbor's animals started up a ruckus. The baby goat was crying like a human child and all their dogs were barking like mad. Even though I knew what it was, the bleat was still upsetting.
I didn't see the connection between the two events until I wrote them just now - I guess the goat's wail disturbed me because of what my daughter had been through. We'd just come back from a long, physically difficult trip.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO KARRDE & NOETHER!!
Notes from the Weekend
Hung curtains, read a 360-page book cover to cover, did laundry, cleaned the house, sat in the sun, went out to dinner wearing a tropical print dress (oh yeah - commando style). =D
Today
Noded a few things this morning, entered lots of stuff into a database for work, sat at my desk and ate my lunch (yummy nectarines), listened to Phat Blues Music cd, noded more Jimmy Buffett stuff this afternoon.
Favorite Node Created Today
God's Own Drunk
Plans for Tonight
On the way home from work I plan on stopping at the mall (yuck) and buy more curtains, some flavored coffee, and maybe a hammock. Then I get to go home and make dinner (yay) and go back out to the grocery store. Betcha wish you were me!
Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down...
Today, our resident intern-savant is off to school up in Vancouver BC somewhere. He sweats good math. We may just fall apart as a result of him leaving. He has been afixed with a sticker that reads "quitter" for the day. But all the power too him, I gave him a nerf bazooka and a geek shirt from thinkgeek. I was looking for something that was written in VB, as it is his first love, but evidently not (and good).
So we had a big lunch, and he shot his gun, and I had a few more meetings in the dark hot room we inhabit until we move over to Seattle. And I sat in the meeting tapping into e2. Outside! I'm trapped inside! Negiotated transpo' for a friend - Dialogues via multiple emails, icq, e2 and possibly, gasp, phone. the tangled web we weave... tonite I plan to hang out with the cousin cop, get more detail on what and what not I can get away with if and when I visit BC :-)
So theres a weird thing. Met cousin and friend last night. Her friend spoke of her fiancee. Turns out her fiancee is a former (brilliant) electronic music geek I used to live with in Portland. small goddamn world. We (he and I) saw Fred Frith in Berkeley 6 years ago. It'll be good to see him again.
caffiene intake - 1 cup on ferry, 1 double latte (iced, short), 1 red bull, and it is only 3 pm. mmm red bull.
This morning, I was rudely awakened by the sound of my father cleaning the roof right above my bed at about 12:00. At first I thought there were giant birds on the roof, but when the second brain cell woke up, I realized it made just a little bit too much noise to be a bird.
I went downstairs, and watched some TV, although I can't recall what it was I watched. After that, I did some noding, and I took a shower.
I went up to my computer, and started wading through a couple of thousand e-mails to see if there was anything interesting. And there was. Some way too interesting stuff even. I felt like I had been neglecting the software I wrote (and thus the people who use it), by not replying to e-mail nor fixing bugs for such a long time. So I applied the patch that was sent to me, did some small fixes, and released it around 20:00.
I had baked potatoes (which didn't come from the oven, dear icicle!) and carrots for dinner. Blegh.
After dinner, I watched Earth: Final Conflict which, as you may, or may not know is my regular coffee-drink programme. I still don't like it though. I also watched Unhappily ever after. That was better.
I went to over to Booth, to find out he wasn't home. Although I'd swear I heard somebody/-thing walking through the house when I was at the door. That makes you feel really welcome.
When I got home again, I released the package I was rambling about earlier. I went downstairs to go watch TV, but instead I went noding. I played with those new up-down nodelet things for a while. That doesn't work! (or at least not with the water theme) I now have severely messed up setting, because up means down, or not, and the epicenter is displayed, or not, and BLAH! But I'll get over it... eventually.
I played Unreal Tournament for a while, but it got boring (duh). I saw Lenny Henry (or I think that was his name) on TV. I had already seen the show, but that didn't matter. It was funny anyway.
And now, my day is over. I watch way too much television.
Had a good day. I'm giddy right now. little story now. I went in to Jon's office the other day (he's the purchasing guy for my department) and was talking to him about getting me a phone (I'd been working at the University of Minnesota for 2 months or so, and still no phone). And I'm talkin to him and his assistant Krista. I turned to my left for a second, and turned back, then I saw her. Blonde. Beautiful. Turning to talk to me. Didn't think too much of it at the time, but our conversation continued, she started shuffling papers to look busy. You know the shuffle, the one i've attempted so often and failed miserably with? This caught my attention. I was flabbergasted. Well, we had a nice conversation for a few minutes, then I had to leave.
Well, the next day, I got a call from jon asking for the phone jack number so he can give it to NTS (Networking an Telecom Services). So i looked, an remembered that there was no jack, which was the source of the problem in the first place. So I figured, I'll swing by and let him know, since i'd be out that way anyway. (Christina had nothing to do with it, mind you ;) So I stopped by, let jon know my findings, and he said he'd do what he could. And again, Christina took notice of my presence, though she was a little more distant. Hmm. Not so sure now. (keep in mind i'm very inexperienced in the ways of relationships, not to mention insecure as a mofo). But we still talked, wasn't awkward or anything. So still goin ok.
Well, next day I get a call from Nancy at NTS, asking for the request number. Ok, no clue. Yet another excuse to head to Jon's office, since it's again, "on my way". This time, Christina comes up and stands next to me in front of Jon's desk (right next to krista's desk, Jon's assistant) and gives Krista a sheet. I inquire as to what it is, and she shows it to me, it's a name analysis from one of those baby-name websites. So I read hers, interesting, she agreed with it, i could handle what was written down there :) so we're still cool. Then she grabs my hand and takes me to her desk and pulls my name up. GOOD sign. Then my cell phone rings. I pick up and immediately, think SHIT!! I was supposed to be outside my office to take my boss to the West Bank to meet a lawyer for something. Anyway, I said sorry i have to bolt, and i did. i e-mailed her that afternoon apologizing again, and thanked her for the name analysis. She said don't worry, some other small talk.
Last Thursday i came into my office to find a phone on my desk. Cool! So I went over to thank Jon for all his help, but he was out sick. Apparently he hit the rib-fest a bit too hard the night before. And Christina wasn't there :( so I asked Krista to thank jon, and I turned to leave, and Christina walked in, but I couldn't just ask her out there and then, it'd be too awkward. So I emailed her again, asked her out Friday night. Well, i got a reply friday morning, saying she already had plans, but maybe another night? This freaked me out. My paranoid-ass was just goin a mile a minute, all weekend, did she mean it? did she mean lets not try some other night? ARGH.
So here I was today, worse than i was all weekend, waiting for a reply from her, but not wanting to call to make it seem like i'm stalking her or anything, and she emailed back and asked about my phone. I forgot to tell her i got it! Yes! So I called her up, said hola, tis I your knight in shining armor (or words to that effect) she laughed at whatever lameass thing i said! Wow! So I asked her out, and I have a date wednesday!!! I'm so jittery I need to go bike a few miles to get this outta my system.
I'm sorry for those of you hoping for a bigger finale for this long of a story, but if you don't date a lot, or are shy as all hell like I am, this is pretty big. To ask a girl out, after not having any form of relationship for well over a year, (that one being shitty at that) after only talking to her for a total of twenty minutes? Big step. So now i have a date, and i'm happy, and hopefully the story is not yet over!
