I haven't written a daylog in a while. This probably isn't the happiest example of one either, but I need to write something down. I have to externalise the pain or it's going to start consuming me from within.
In true teen angst style, I got dumped yesterday. We'd been going out for the past three years. I've got so used to being part of a stable couple it feels incredibly lonely being on my own. Virtually every part of my life has an imprint of her left upon it. Every thought, every possession, every feeling is still influenced by her in some way.
Logic says that this is the right thing to do, but it doesn't mean it feels right. I've got to move away to the other side of the country in a couple of months. We'll never see each other. Better to become good friends before I go than have everything fall apart.
We're going to New Zealand together in 3 weeks. I hope I can get over the majority of this before we go, or it's going to tear me apart. I spoke to her on the phone last night. The simple thought that I knew she could not tell me she loved me before she hung up made me burst into tears when she did. I can't tell her though, because I don't want to cause her more pain. She provoked emotions in me like I've never had before. Ups, downs, it didn't matter, because I could feel.
Now I feel totally alone. There's nobody to go talk to about nothing. We can no longer lie there on the sofa, not talking, just being. No one could ever compare to that girl. I've never met anyone like her and I can't imagine anyone being like her again.
I'll probably look back on this node and laugh. Maybe get it nuked. I hope I can feel that secure sometime soon...
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