The fact is, Andre isn't very smart. He isn't called Forrest Gump for nothing. He even has the physical resemblance.

But he is easily the nicest guy you'd ever come to know--with a devoted circle of friends who have stood by him for much of their lives.

Despite the obvious affection of his friends, however, he manages to be the butt of nearly every joke and anecdote they share. The stories they could tell and retell of his stupidity would fill a long and hilarious evening. Still, he always takes their banter with good cheer.

Acquaintances are eventually treated to most of the canon. But one story seems to be reserved for those familiar enough with his character to know firsthand that every word is likely to be true.

The circumstances and participants seem to change on every telling--and even in the middle of a single presentation--as everyone laughs and talks over everyone else in a crazy show of eagerness to contribute a certain detail.

There are countless variations. One apparently begins with the discovery that he stuffed a large pear in the breast pocket of his tuxedo right before he got married--just in case he wanted a snack during the service. The bulge is actually visible in his wedding portrait.

But the version I first heard went like this.

"Did you ever hear about the time he smuggled potatoes into Bermuda?"

"No way--he tried to smuggle potatoes into Bermuda?"

"--No, actually, he tried to smuggle some pears, too--"

"--Apples, actually."

"--But customs agents seized them at the airport."

"--They didn't find the potatoes, though, did they Andre?"

"Nope." Andre laughs triumphantly.

"--Yeah, he flew over with Campy to see Beatty--"

"--And didn't think they had potatoes in Bermuda--"

"--And he was worried he couldn't go a week without them."

"Oh, man. Is that why you call him Spuds?"

"Christ, no. We been calling him that for years."

"What about `Grunt'?"

"No, that's something else." Jason starts making grunting noises, like a sow rooting for truffles.

"--You haven't noticed the grunting yet?"

"--Go on with the Bermuda story."

"What, there's more?"

"Yeah, there's more."

"When Beatty sees the potatoes--"

"--He says to the guy, `You brought potatoes with you? Are you fucking retarded?'"

"That wasn't very nice, dude."

"Whatever, Campy. Shut the fuck up or I'll tell John to put on his steel-toes."

"--So Beatty calls the guy a retard--"

"--And Forrest over here, he throws the potatoes onto the bed--"

"--Onto the bed. You notice he didn't throw them into the garbage."

"--He threw them into the pot and cooked them up that week, didn't you, Spuds?"

"--Anyways. Andre throws the potatoes down. And he says to Beatty: `Who are you calling a fucking retard?'"

"Stood up for yourself, eh."

"Let the f-shot fly."

Beatty shakes his head at the memory. "Fuck I was surprised--"

"--And then buddy pulls some money out of his wallet and says: `twenty bucks says I'm a hell of a lot smarter than you, asshole.'"

"Ooh. Asshole."

"You gonna take that Beatty?"

"--Beatty's a lawyer--"

"--and Andre's--"

"--Forrest Gump."

"I said `what the fuck you talking about?'"

"You took the bet."

"--`twenty bucks says I'm a hell of a lot smarter than you, asshole.'"

"No, I said--"

"--You took the bet."

"I said, `how are you gonna prove it?'"

"And Forrest said the boys can decide, didn't you Forrest?"

"Yep." Andre giggles at his own cleverness.

"--And you took the bet, admit it."

"Yeah, yeah. I took the bet."

"--And Forrest says let's see the money."

"That's when I knew something was up--"

"--Bullshit."

"--You gave him the money."

"No. He said `let's see the money'. So I pulled it out. I didn't give it to him."

"Yeah. Whatever. So Forrest says--"

"--Like he wants to put the money together--"

"--Like he doesn't trust Beatty to really pay up."

"--I would've paid. I'm not a cheap bastard like you and Pux--"

"Anyways. Beatty gave him the money--"

"--to hang on to."

"And Andre--I swear to God this is true--Andre turns one of the twenty dollar bills over--"

"--And what do you think was on the other side?"

"It's fucking priceless: `I'm a hell of a lot smarter than you, asshole'."

"--The twenty dollar bill said that."

"`I'm a hell of a lot smarter than you, asshole.'"

"--Wrote it yourself, too, didn't you Forrest?"

"--Didn't think it up himself though, I bet." John gives Andre a shove with his shoulder and Andre shakes his head, laughing.

"--It was probably already written there when he got it."

"Whatever. Beatty got punked."

"--And then he tries to weasel out of it by arguing about how Andre couldn't use `say' like that in a bet."

"No. I told him he couldn't use `say' to mean `written' if he was using it idiomatically for `bet'."

"--Whatever the fuck that means."

"That's why Andre wanted to see the money up front. Mr. Loophole over here would have squeezed his way out of it."

"Anyways Beatty's trying to tell him the bet is off. And Andre's already putting the money in his pocket."

"And Andre says--what did you say, Andre?"

"I asked him what bet he was talking about."

"--Performance of a lifetime."

"What did you think of that, Beatty?"

"Well--"

"--How long did you have to carry the money around before you got to pull that stunt, eh, Andre?"

"--I'm surprised he could afford to carry around twenty dollars in the first place."

"Anyways, tell the fucking story. I gotta go home soon."

"Well, first he acts all aggressive and then its like he doesn't even remember there was a bet. I'm like `is this guy putting me on?' But it's Andre. Honestly, I thought something was wrong with him--"

"--Acute potato withdrawal."

Andre giggles at the memory. "--I said, `I don't know what you're talking about, Bermuda Mike."

"What the hell was Campy doing while all this was going on?"

"--Dude, I'm on the bed, laughing my ass off at these guys. First Beatty gets burned. Then Andre's standing there with a smirk on his face saying there wasn't a bet. And Beatty's trying to grab the money back--"

"--I was not trying to `grab' the money back. Stop embellishing the story, Campanelli."

"--Embellishanelli strikes again." Andre stamps his feet in laughter.

"Tell him why you said there was no bet."

"I was just stating a fact, Embellishanelli."

"`Just stating a fact'." Jason rolls his eyes. "Was that in the script, too?"

"Was it a `fact', Beatty?"

"Yeah, it was a fact--but I didn't get the connection between that fact and the fact that he was pocketing my money if there wasn't a bet."

"I just said `give me the money' and you did."

"--I didn't give you the money--"

"--Yeah it just jumped into his pocket."

Andre laughs. "Yeah, maybe it just flew there on an airplane."

"--Bad move, Beatty."

"--Possession is nine parts of the law. You should know that."

"Hey, Forrest, what did you say when he told you to give him the money back?"

"I said `no way Jose.'"

"And Beatty's trying to get him to give the money back--'"

"--And Andre says--"

"--Drumroll, please..."

"--I said `Do you think I'm some sort of retard? I don't give money to someone just because they ask.'"

"Burn of the century."

"Appeal?"

"Denied!"

"They don't call him Forrest Gump for nothing."