Czeano's Vegetarian Chili Of Doom

Critical acclaim for the Chili of Doom:

"This stuff rocked ass like a prison lifer."

-- CzarKhan

Debuted with much praise at Hot Damn 2! When Ohio's A Rockin' Don't Come A Knockin', Czeano's recipe for vegetarian chili was loosely based on several earlier variants he had prepared for friends, relatives, and enemies all suffering from being herbivores.

I made this batch relatively non-hot, assuming that hot sauce would be available for those who like to cause permanent damage to mucous membranes. Since it's a relatively sweet chili before the addition of spicyness (thanks more in part to the tomato than the soda), the final product was palatable by most noders present while seeming too tame for a few. "Needs of the many," I say.

Ingredients (a rough estimate):

• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 2-3 green onions, chopped
• One whole red bell pepper, chopped
• Two stalks of celery, sliced into precisely 1cm sections
• (Most of) One whole red onion, coarsely chopped
• 1 15 oz can black beans (my personal favorite bean, occurring in most recipes I create; I recommend Goya branded beans)
• 1 15 oz can pinto beans
• 1 15 oz can black-eyed peas
• 1 16 oz can coarsely diced tomatoes
• ~18 oz tomato juice (not vegetable juice! I used 3 6oz cans, but in the past have used approx. half of a big bottle)
• 1 12oz can Coca-Cola
• 1 1/2 cups dry TVP
• 1 small can corn nibblets (without butter!)
• 2-3 bay leaves
• 1 tbsp basil oil (mmm thank you, World Market)
• Heaping tablespoons (or multiples thereof): (to taste)
  • Cayenne pepper powder (lots)
  • Ground black pepper
  • Your favorite brand hot sauce (I think Cholula or Tabasco was used in Ohio)
  • Crushed red pepper seeds
  • Some other spices which looked appropriate at the time but I've forgotten
• a few tsp of Oregano (go easy, this isn't pasta sauce)
• 1-2 drops of human blood, fresh¹ (optional)

Directions:

1. Sautee green onion, red onion, red pepper, celery, and garlic in basil oil, along with a little black pepper and cayanne powder. Add to slow cooker.
2. Thoroughly rinse and drain canned beans. Add them to the slow cooker.
3. Add everything else to the slow cooker.
4. Wait for approximately four hours while entertaining questions like "When will it be ready?" and "Dude, are you gonna share your recipe?" and "Wouldn't it be funny to garnished it with lobster?" and "Can you go buy us some more beer?". Add additional spices and stir occasionally, just to make yourself look busy.

Serves: ??. I have no idea, I missed the serving. But it looks like the recipe made just over a gallon of chili.

¹ Czeano's Super-Secret Additional Flavoring and Tips Section

While trying to open the new container of cayanne pepper, I sliced my hand with the knife. Herein, I was reminded of lessons taught while trying to attain "Whittling Chip" and "Totin' Chip" from the Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts (respectively): Never cut toward yourself! I have a beautiful chunk of skin missing from the middle finger of my left hand thanks to forgetting this tip. And presumably because of this, the "vegetarian" chili is less than truly animal-free. Whatever you do, don't tell them.

Things Czeano Chickened Out of Adding to the Concoction Which in Retrospect He Wishes Had Been Included:

• Yellow squash, cubed
• Zucchini, cubed (the zucchini at the grocery store was beautiful)
• Green and yellow peppers
• Dried ancho peppers