April 3, 1979, 4:12 am EDT, Jefferson Hospital, Philadelphia, PA
April 2, 1979: Mama Jonez is watchin' Jesus of Nazareth, but I am stubborn--"It's too damn stuffy in here!" PUSH PUSH PUSH
"OK! I get it!" she says. Off to the hospital we go. Five hours and an epidural later, here be me, come to destroy the old order and ring in the new (unintentional messianic message?).
Same day as Marlon Brando.
I was a week late; my fetus heard about Three Mile Island and said, "What, are you kidding? I ain't bein' born!" But then I heard about the Easter Bunny and came running out. I'm very gullible.
Why do I always node in the wee hours of the night? Anyhoo...
In the words of Mr. Mushnik:
MY LIFE IS A LIVING HELL!
My delinquent roomate in whose name the water bill comes allowed it to get buried on the bottom of the pile of mail for two months -- and now our water has been turned off. And it's been off for a little over two weeks now. Again, because of delinquent roommates. I have paid my share already, but they are all bums. I would have bailed us out -- Lord knows I have before on bills here -- but the thing is, I spent $600 on a several-months-due phone bill. And now I'm broke. And I can't find a job because I catch a shower maybe once a week now, so I hardly look presentable to try to go on interviews. And I have to move at the end of April, so I need a job to make money so I can get an apartment. And today, my newbie boyfriend and I got in a bit of a row. Nothing major or anything, but we hadn't fought before, so that was fraught with emotion. Thank God it rained tonight. Because when it was done showering, there was a lovely fog-mist that settled in. The air had that lovely damp smell of just-fallen rain. The temperature was crisp and bracing. So I grabbed my walking stick, pulled on my recently-acquired Irish cap, lit a black-and-mild, and headed out into the night. Nothing like a good long walk like that one to clear my mind and restore a sense of peace and tranquility to my life:
My life really isn't a living hell.
::sigh::
icq Transport went offline
I sort of hate Gabber's idea of ICQ. =(
Last night, I had the most annoying YASD ever in Nethack. I had AC -3 and I found Frost Brand. I even got saved by Amulet of Life Saving once. And then, a spotted jelly came and ruined my night on the Oracle level...
Time to see if the day is any better. (I hope it is.)
Wow. The ICQ transport seems to work somewhat (went from Gabber 0.8.1 to 0.8.2). Also, (dramatic drumroll please) Nautilus worked for almost a second before crashing! Cool, huh? =)
I wrote a small script to see the versions of depending packages of single Debian package. Should put that to my home page soon.
Nuked the bookmark list from my home node... Damn, these things really are unmanageable. I need to come up with something. =(
(Yes, BTW, my Jabber ID is wwwwolf@jabber.com - feel free to rosterize me. =)
I now have a Neopet called Susshug... the Lupe. At last a place where I could find a virtual pet wolf. =)
Other day logs o' mine...
Noded today by y.t.: ICQ Lies, Damn Lies & ICQ messages Frost Brand JID operator logo
I also called TekRAM, the company behind my new SCSI adapter, and they were pretty much helpful (except for the fact that they didn't disclose their U.S. office phone number on the documentation. Their phone number is (510)-353-6099. Those folks at TekRAM let me send back the adapter with an RMA number, and I'll take care of everything quick before i go to Chicago.
You can never really get ahead. You should know that by now. The list of people canned at where I work is complete.It was a random layoff . I guess the only reason I survived was that someone up there likes me.Now we have to clean up the pieces. We had a meeting about 4PM today to discuss how yesterday went and where our company is going. The HR director said that they didn't want anybody to go out of here with a long face but to put on a smile. If I do that I will look like a mental patient.
On a very high note my youngest daughter took a few steps holding mommies hand. The little bitchlette won't do it for me. But that's ok. I still get big drooly toothless smiles. My older daughter seems a bit depressed. I think she is feeling a bit off because she has to share daddy and mommy now. So we played Playstation last night together for a while.Makes work problems seem trivial.
My computer at home is alive. I should really get my web server up again. The big casualty is my porn collection. I built that thing up to over 5GB. I had better stuff than pay sites. Oh well there goes my retirement fund. Moral of the story BACKUP your data.
As an editor, there is a social contract between you and the E2 noders. You expect us to contribute meaningful nodes to the gel. Here is what we expect of you (and your nuking):
If you have doubts about whether a writeup should be nuked, ask the advice of a fellow editor or ask one of the Gods if they can correct the writeup.
In September, the people living in the house my mother would cat-sit at mentioned that they were moving out in March.
Sometime in mid-December, "March" became "April"
Then it got even trickier. The couple living there broke up. The one still living there decided that she liked the house a lot and didn't want to leave. Then she decided to buy a house in Howard Beach (NY).
We start packing up the house and calling services. Verizon won't turn on a phone line until the owner of the current line puts in an order to turn off that line. March 23 rolls around and this still hasn't happened.
We get a call on the 24th. She tells us that the house she's buying hasn't yet gone into closing and she can't move out yet. She owns a place in Manhattan besides this one, but she doesn't want to ship her stuff there or pay storage. She doesn't want to move out until April 15; that being Easter this year, we wouldn't be able to move until the next week. Grr.
Finally, sometime last week, she agrees to move out. This morning we get to go in and start measuring everything and planning the layout. We should have everything moved in by Saturday.
Good fucking bye, Suffolk County. It's back to the outskirts of New York City for me.
A lot of that's not true.
Kevin, my roomate, is leaving in a month or so. May 12, I believe..."it's still up in the air though, dude." Whatever, he's wants to be 4 hours away from Dara and not pay rent, and not work at Staples. OK with me as long as he finds someone to replace himself with. I cannot pay 1200/month, and finding someone looking for a room is not hard in this town. This is a serious situation. Despite the fact that I don't consider him a good friend, ...as I don't consider anyone who has no respect for me a friend... ...it still sucks. He said, so what are you gonna do? "um, stay!"
I exercised. The absolute self-declaration that I am again a single man (day 3!), and suddenly feel the need to have attention from the opposite sex by way of biceps...
I was dumped and given the "I know it sounds like a cliche, but let's be friends" cliche from my ex girlfriend. I'm glad we broke up; then she said "you can be my new 'Nate'!" ( Nate is her best friend who, is much more giving than I am, and will do anything, anything she wants, that she's had a slight falling out with. ) That won't work, mainly due to the fact that I'm Mike. Not Nate.
Today has been the longest fucking day I've had to go through. Why? I have not fucking clue. I feel like talking to somebody but not online. My body is so tired. I've begun finding places on my body where I bleed for no reason.My mind is so tired. I feel as if I've been dragged through horrible things that I have no words to use to explain. God damn it's just been such a shitty day. I hate it so much. Fuckin Geoff has been bitchin at me for such a long ass time and I instant message him to see what he wanted and he just says, "I don't know." Fucking asshole....pissin me off so bad. I can't stand the fucker. He's such a fucking hippocrat. I remember he was always telling me about this girl he liked. It was annoying. I couldn't stand it. She was all he ever bitched about. "She said dadadadada..." And on and on and on. I mean fuck dude. Take a fucking hint. She didn't like him and he couldn't take a hint. Well she invited me to go to the island with her and some of her friends. About 2 days later the fucker found out and nearly bit my fuckin head off about it. He was going around saying that he was over her and what not.
I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I sit and stare at the walls for hours at a time and it supposedly "scares" my parents. Fuck them. My life just seems to be going further and further down a pit of despair. *sigh* I can't stand the fact that I'm alone. I look at all the "couples" as I walk through the halls at school and just wanna fucking shoot myself. Why do I have to be lonely. It seems almost like everyone has someone except me. I mean shit, I don't even have anyone I can talk to anymore. The only person I have been able to talk to is never online and is fixing to move in a few days anyway. I always lose everyone that I talk to. I hate it. I hate my life. I just wanna lie in my grave and die. I doubt anyone would care anyway. I feel useless to everyone around me. I know I'm useless. I'm being swallowed futher and further into this pit of depression. Someone please help me find my way out of here.
Meanwhile I'm not upset at all that my trip is postponed... first of all, I'll be more prepared, and secondly, because I will be finished with my taxes by then. Don't get me wrong, I have to pay ("big time"), but at least it will be over.
The new guy at work is interesting, and seems to know his way around a computer....AND is helpful. Good catch. My boss is still the same...but at least he is leaving me alone mostly....I just have to make sure I keep him informed.
Ugh. I really need to do laundry...
I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to feel about that; whether I should be upset at my first involuntary termination, or upset because I didn't like the job and didn't leave before they made me.
What this brings home more than anything else is how much of a waste of my time working is. How much it upsets me that in order to eat and read comic books I have to do things I don't care about for people I don't know who are making a lot more money off my work than they're even telling me about, much less sharing with me. So am I pissed that I'm out of that cycle, or that I didn't break out of it myself?
"Hey, how's things?" "Hmmph. I've got the moody reds." "Don't know them." "What? Oh. It's like when you're annoyed, but you don't know why. And it's pissing down outside." "Yeah, but it was really sunny on Sunday." "Well it's always either really really fucking great, or really really fucking shit."
I've got severe ear fatigue. I started work this evening on a punk version of the Thompson Twins' "Hold Me Now." I'm not sure yet how I feel about it; I may need to re-record the guitars because I'm not sure that they're bright enough with respect to the drums, and the arrangement is a little weak. Maybe when I finish the vocals (with help from my roommates in the "whoa-oh-oh" bits), I'll add some nifty guitar and synth fills. We'll see.
I realized the state of my hearing when I popped in the Ozma CD, "Rock & Roll Part III" and it sounded flat and dull. It just came in the mail today, but I've heard the MP3s before, and even without EQ they don't sound like this. Oh well; this too shall pass. Ozma is a truly bitchin band, by the way. I saw them play with Weezer in March, and they rocked my world (and their keyboardist is cute, if a bit young for me). So I ordered their CD. It rocks my world, too. Go Ozma. I especially like "Apple Trees" and "Domino Effect." Sure it's the usual teen angst stuff, but it's a bit more intelligent and infectiously melodic.
My pictures from spring break also came back today. Nothing exciting, so don't get your hopes up. Just the circus. And a friend's balls. In CVS. What's even better is that I had it developed at a (different) CVS. I wonder if they noticed the CVS-brand mouthwash in the background of the picture... hmpf.
Mood: Angsty, but tired. Music: Ozma, "If I Only Had a Heart" Drink: Water Tin roof: Rusted
The theme of today is irresponsibility.
First, I have to say that I finally got a chance to cross another item off my mini list of things to do. I finally drove to work through the city, only because I woke up in the middle of it out of drunken stupor on Wednesday morning. In fact, I've literally spent more time driving myself through the city in the last few weeks than the entire four years prior to that.
Long story short: Between someone providing the alcohol for a pre-drink and someone else hooking me up my fair share of a two big-ass bottles of cherry flavored beer last night, I wound up plastered to the floor of a local pub by half past midnight.
Which is all fine and good. I know how to find the Jones Falls Expressway from where I was, and Wal Mart is right across the street from work so I just bought a set of new work clothes so I wouldn't get fired today.
All in all, nobody got hurt, and the worst harm done was the pounding migrane from this morning and my friend having to escort my very attractive passengers back home across the city. Oh yeah, and maybe a little liver damage, but I've done worse. I think I may have lost some karma with one friend for crashing out on the couch without having any other plans for what to do with myself. Hopefully she won't think less of me for too long. In fact it looks like we're already back on the level.
I also spent most of the morning without my my toys, and spent a good two hours driving around town on an extended lunch break getting my stuff and reclaiming some of the karma I lost in the course of my indiscretions. But I got a good meal and the company of a lovely lady in the process, so that all evens out.
On the positive side, last night did smack me over the head and take the urge to be a fuckhead out of me for a while. This weekend I'm going to do my taxes, clean my dishes, wash my laundry, sweep my floors, then sit down in my easy chair with a cup of tea and watch the FOX channel with an empty stare until I get up, brush my teeth and fall asleep in my own bed for a change.
I also came to terms with some things I've been dealing with lately, and I think I've finally sorted it out.
A few weeks ago, I felt more alive than ever before. Now I went and burned it all away again. If you think this is lame, eh, whatever.... but somehow the story of this latest life change just belongs here.
What's so great about peace, love and understanding?
Got up. No hangover. Great. Put on my bathing suit. Checked e-mail real quick. Checked E-2 with frustration over 56k modem (spoiled at work with T-1 baby). Went down to the pool with a muffin for breakfast and a book.
I've done this now for four days in a row, and now the sadness, loneliness, and despair are biting my ankles. I've put them off for this long merely with books, no drugs, no food, no alcohol to dull the senses and quiet the mind. Impressive, huh? But this day, tears seep out from my eyes as I answer inane questions and make idiotic small talk with my companion.
The newness of my epiphany about who I am (partly anyway) and other things are crowding into my conciousness, demanding a hearing and I just keep pushing them back. Last night claws at me, begging release, but I cannot deal with this stuff yet, maybe never.
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