Talking like a pirate is fun but annoys people

In any case, during the summer I realized that one of the most fun accents to affect is that of the really, really stereotypical pirate. Not only do you get to change your inflections, but you can change your word usage. Ooo! Now this wu is factual! Do you see how this writeup changes, chameleon-like before your eyes? I please all!

Say it's a boring day. You're hanging out with your friends, and none of you can seem to make a conversation interesting enough to stay talking. Do what I do! Drop into pirate-speak!

(Actual abridged fictional conversation from a boring night at Denny's. Names are people you don't know. Don't worry about it.)

Brian: ...and then I filled her lungs with cheese and pushed her over the side of the boat. So that was my day. You guys?
Joe: Oh, the usual. Sleeping, the artwork, the sex.
Dialogue: Arr...I had a truly wonderful day. Me harties and I plundered yet another unsuspecting ship o' the queen. Arr...we made a right wonderful profit from that one.
Abby: Michael, why are you talking like that?
Dialogue: Because I'm a pirate. I mean....arr...
Brian: If you keep talking like that, we'll be forced to hurt you.
Dialogue: Avast ye, scurvy dog. Don't be laying a hand on me, or you'll be facing the bite of my cutlass. Arr....
Joe: I have me here some form of bread with which I would be comfortable in throwing at you. Don't make me used my baked bread products.
Dialogue: Yarr, that would be a ow! (yeast-risen goodness hits me in the face) Okay, okay, I'm done now. Stupid bread.

To speak in Pirate:
Lots of "Arr..."s and "Yarr...."s. Yarrs are good for beginnings of sentences, Arrs are good for the ends. Refer to people as "ye" if you can. Say things slightly backwards. "I would like a slice of pineapple" becomes "A slice of pineapple I would like to be havin' there....arr...". A pirate never says thank you. Only "Arr....." in a thankful manner. Refer to monkeys, sailing ships, the queen (of england, duh), booty (no, not that booty), eye patches, and parrots as much as possible. If you can steer the conversation around to the sailing tactics of the 18th century, you're all good.

Yarr.........and enjoy the piritanical nature of the high seas.....Arr.....

I said, "That's pirate-speak!"

He said, "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, when you talk like a pirate, you say 'Arrr!' alot. You say things like 'There ye be!', and 'My, she be yar.'"

So he hands me my groceries, and says, "Arrr, ye be havin' yerself a mighty fine Christmas, ye hear? An' thank ye fer shoppin' at HEB!"

Arr, marry that lad I would, but he's harf me age....

More pirate vocabulary:

• Arrrrr: Much like the Hawaiian "aloha," it can mean hello, good-bye, etc.
• Ahoy: Hey!
• Avast: Stop!
• Aye: Yes.
• Fathom: depth measurement of six feet
• Go on the account: to embark on a piratical cruise
• Grog: A pirate's favorite drink.
• Jack: a flag or a sailor
• Landlubber: "Land-lover," someone not used to life onboard a ship.
• Lass: A woman.
• League: three miles
• List: lean to one side
• Loaded to the Gunwhales: drunk
• Matey: A shipmate or a friend.
• Me: My.
• Privateer: a pirate officially sanctioned by a national power
• Scallywag: A bad person. A scoundrel.
• Son of a Biscuit Eater: a derogatory term indicating a bastard son of a sailor
• Sprogs: raw, untrained recruits
• Squiffy: a buffoon
• Squadron: a group of ten or less warships
• Sweet trade: the career of piracy
• Thar: The opposite of "here."
• Yo-ho-ho: Pirate laughter

Double up on all your adjectives and you'll be bountifully bombastic with your phrasing. Pirates never speak of "a big ship", they call it a "great, grand ship!" They never say never, they say "No nay ne'er!"

Drop all your "g"'s when you speak and you'll get words like "rowin'", "sailin'" and "fightin'". Dropping all of your "v"'s will get you words like "ne'er", "e'er" and "o'er".

Instead of saying "I am", sailors say, "I be". Instead of saying "You are", sailors say, "You be". Instead of saying, "They are", sailors say, "They be".