| An infestation of ninjas. Almost unheard of in America until the recent past, this problem is sadly becoming more and more common. Once confined to Japan, the ninja, which used to be a feared class of warrior and assassin, has recently been reduced to the status of a minor household pest. Most people aren't even aware that they are prime candidates for ninja infestation. If you purchase large amounts of hand-held smoke pellets or throwing knives, if you have a tendency towards dishonoring your clan or family name, or if you are a major criminal warlord with a very long, pencil-thin mustache, you could very well have ninjas lurking about your home right this minute!
Signs of ninja infestation include:
If you suspect that you have a ninja infestation, you should take the following precautions:
- Always check the insides of your shoes for ninjas in the morning. There's nothing worse than putting your foot in a shoe with an angry ninja inside of it!
- Always have a helpless asian maiden nearby that you can take hostage and use as a human shield should ninjas attack.
- Lock your doors and windows, and have plenty of citronella candles around.
- Hire your own mercenary ninja army. Although this can be expensive, it can be well worth the cost to have a hoard of ruthless henchmen. When they're not fighting off other pesky ninjas, you can have them do the housework or the grocery shopping. Ideally, make sure your ninjas wear a different color of uniform than the rival ninjas. Otherwise, things could get confusing in the heat of battle.
- Take lots of vitamin B1, get plenty of rest, and carry a gun at all times.
- Set ninja traps. Try placing treats like rice cakes and sake on large sheets of sticky paper. The ninjas will be drawn to the treats, but they won't be able to get out of their sticky situation! Just leave them there till they die of starvation, and then simply scrape them off into the trash. If they start screaming for mercy, just turn the TV up really loud. Soon your ninja worries will be a thing of the past!
Hopefully this guide will be helpful in helping you avoid or get rid of a nasty ninja infestation. Good luck, and may you fight with honor! | 
