This *everything* is an inherently self-referential beast with a hankering for
adoration and sporting jazzy handbaggage of very conditional love in abundance.
...and I'm not going to fight it. I'm going to embrace it naked, and squeeze the squealing life
from it until I am shining and slick with everything juice.
So in the vein of who wants a postcard from the self-important _________ I bring you
this limited offer:
Merely add your signifying alias in the provided writeup potentials below, and the act
which you will have me perform whilst chanting your name like an autistic buddhist. I'm too cheap for postcards, and the mail sniffer dogs bark for blood anyway.
I have prepared some examples to help the uninspired:
- Project a heaping helping of my biological potential to breed all over the keyboard.1
- Bludgeon myself at night with a dead ferret2 , to the rhythm of 'The Rhythm of the Night'3.
- Reveal to the world Fermat's *other* Last Theorem; the one where he starts
to use the term 'jiggy'4.
- Use my |\/|A|) \/00|)00 5ki||Z to explode the head of your arch-nemesis, or your supervisor at McDonald's, if they are suprisingly not the same organism. An extra charge will be incurred for excess '1337' if such use is required5.
1
'oops...(to quote Britney)...I did it again'.
2
....you will need to provide any such exotic materials. Carcasses may be
intercepted at customs. Likewise for drugs. Unlike drugs, carcasses will probably
not be taken home by customs officers and used to spice up a marriage. Or perhaps.....
3
Lyrics by Gordon A. - Spagna G. - Glenister Peter W. - Gaffey M.
Music by Bontempi F. - Glenister Peter W. - Gaffey M.
Published by Extravaganza Publishing - Warner Chap. - Intersong Music LTD.
4
Using the corollary six degrees of seperation phenomenon, it can actually be proved that Will Smith, *IS* Fermat.
5
Extra '1337' may be required in cases of head protection (such as tin foil hats), or if the person has a natural resistance to 'mad voodoo skillz' application.
Outcomes:
Eraser_: Good & Bad news. Unfortunately, your ferret failed to arrive within the time period randomly alloted by my collection of rabid fundamentalist christian love slaves. More fortunately however, I did have my most recently used home pregnancy test at hand, with which I beat myself mercilessly (well, some mercy ... I'm almost human after all) all the while mumbling your name with capitalist fervour. In extremis, I experienced a vision, in which you received a shiny red hat, from a short blond dog. I take this to be a good omen, and predict either: - that you will have a bright future.
- or...that your demise is imminent.
hamster_bong: Good & Bad news. The carrot unfortunately attacked me, which even the most naive of 'carot' (pronounced just like
the fun card game) readers knows is not a happy fun thing. This may say more about my future than yours, but it does most definitely say that your floppy will arrive with dried orange bits of organic matter on it. Those are pieces of orange, with which I was forced to defend myself from my carrot nemesis. I called him carroty. Then I called him 'owww..you sick bastard..you stabbed me in the eye!'. Then I ate him while watching Bugs Bunny Pr0n.
Furthermore my caterpillars stole the origami crane, re-christened it the 'deathship pointybeak', and are now carpet bombing the suburb. Naturally I blame television.
Your evil wax simulacrum is doing fine in the bathroom. The goats seem to have taken quite a shine to it. Who knew they could bleat prince lyrics so well? Now they force me to call them the artists formerly known as goats. I hope my sweet sweet ass meets with your approval. In case you hadn't noticed; it's fake.
Sleep Deprivation is two dirty words made dirtier by their juxtaposition. I'll leave you with my final revelation (it's funny the things that come to you when you are both naked and gardening). Every day is an incremental exercise in organic brain dysfunction. It's just when you lose bowel control that people start to notice.
Overall: the outlook is positive. Something tells me though that you should avoid fast, monstrous, howling things with claws from now on. | 
