The Mystery of the Missing French Fries

A McDonald's Happy Meal toy consisting of a storybook with accompanying audiotape. Released in 1989. Probably highly engrossing for those under the age of five; hilarious to those old enough to comprehend its disturbing messages to America's youth. It is a touching story of fried food, morality, and redemption. Hamburglar eventually triumphs through honesty and forgiveness, despite the evidence against him. A transcript of the tape, as narrated by some actor playing Ronald McDonald and painstakingly transcribed by myself:

Hi, boys and girls! This is Ronald McDonald, and I have a story just for you. It's a mystery. You see, french fries are disappearing all over McDonaldLand. Oh, one thing before we start our story. Every time you hear this sound (sparkly noise), it's time to turn the page. But don't turn it yet - that was just practice. Now, let's get on with our story.

It was a bright, sunny day in McDonaldLand. Grimace was having a snack in the park. He sat down under a tree, and took some french fries and a strawberry milkshake out of his bag. Grimace had just started to eat when all of a sudden he heard a noise in the bushes. (crunching sound) Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch! "Who's there?" asked Grimace. But noone answered. (sparkly noise)

Grimace got up and tiptoed over to the bushes, but he did not see anything. When he went back to finish his snack, he saw that all of his french fries were gone! (dissonant horn noise) Grimace knew he did not eat his french fries. Where could they be? He looked in the bushes, he looked behind the tree, but he could not find his french fries anywhere! All he found was a carrot where his french fries used to be. (echoing tone) (sparkly noise)

The next day, the Captain was having dinner on his porch. Suddenly, he heard a strange noise in his vegetable garden. (crunching sound) Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch! "Halt! Who goes there?" said the Captain, pulling out his wooden sword. Noone answered, so the Captain got up and went over to his garden. When he did not find anyone, he went back to finish his dinner. To his surprise, his french fries had disappeared! (dissonant horn noise) (sparkly noise)

"Blimey!" said the Captain. "They are gone!" "Braaaaaawk! Did pirates take 'em?" asked Matey, the Captain's parrot. "Aye, Matey!" said the Captain. "Maybe it was pirates!" (ominous piano notes) The Captain looked high and low, but he could not find the pirates or his french fries anywhere. All he found was a carrot where his french fries had been. (echoing tone) (sparkly noise)

The next day, Birdie the Early Bird was having lunch by the pond. Suddenly, she heard a strange crunching sound over in the flowers. (crunching sound) "Is someone there?" said Birdie. But noone answered. Birdie hopped over to the flowers, but she did not see anyone. When she went back to her lunch, her french fries had disappeared! (dissonant horn noise) (sparkly noise)

Birdie went to tell the Captain what had happened to her french fries. Just then, Grimace came running up to say that the same thing had happened to his! "Let's go see the Professor." said Birdie. "Maybe he can help us figure out who is taking all the french fries in McDonaldLand!" (sparkly noise)

They all went to the Professor's house to tell him about the mystery. "Maybe Hamburglar is the one taking the french fries." said the Professor. "After all, he always tries to take our hamburgers." Everyone agreed that Hamburglar had probably taken their french fries, so they all went to ask him. (sparkly noise)

"Robble robble robble NO!" said Hamburglar. "He says he did not do it." said Birdie. But nobody believed Hamburglar was telling the truth. After all, everyone knew that he tried to take a hamburger now and then. (suspenseful music) Every day, more french fries disappeared in McDonaldLand. "I have a plan to catch whoever is taking our french fries!" said the Professor. "Follow me." (sparkly noise)

Grimace, Birdie, the Captain, and Hamburglar all followed the Professor to the park. When they got there, the Professor put some french fries on a picnic table. "Now, everybody hide!" said the Professor. "And whatever you do, keep your eyes on the fries!" Everyone hid behind the trees and waited. They all tried to be very quiet. (sparkly noise)

After a few minutes, they heard a strange crunching sound in the bushes. (crunching sound) Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch! Suddenly, a little bunny rabbit hopped out of the bushes! He was crunching on a carrot! The bunny hopped up on the picnic table. Then, before you could say "how much lunch can a bunny rabbit munch?", he ate all the french fries. (horn fanfare) He left his carrot to pay for the french fries he had eaten. Then he quickly hopped off into the bushes. (sparkly noise)

"Well, I guess that solves The Mystery of the Missing French Fries!" said the Professor. Hamburglar's friends all said they were sorry they did not believe him about the french fries. "From now on, Hamburglar, we'll always believe you!" said Birdie. "Friends always tell friends the truth!" Hamburglar gave each of his friends a big hug, and they all promised to always tell the truth. (sparkly noise)

The next day, Birdie had a big party in honor of Hamburglar. Everyone in McDonaldLand was invited, even the bunny rabbit and his twenty-four brothers and sisters! There were lots of hamburgers for Hamburglar, and a big bag of french fries for everyone in the rabbit family. Boy, what a great mystery! Did you guess who was taking the french fries before the end? Everyone thought it was Hamburglar, but he was telling the truth when he said he wasn't taking the fries. That's a good thing to remember - that friends tell friends the truth. That's how they stay friends. You know, that reminds me of a song...