The Comedy of Errors
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Act III, Scene i:
The same.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS:

Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all.
My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours:
Say that I linger'd with you at your shop
To see the making of her carcanet,
And that to-morrow you will bring it home.
But here's a villain that would face me down.
He met me on the mart; and that I beat him,
And charg'd him with a thousand marks in gold;
And that I did deny my wife and house:--
Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS:

Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know:
That you beat me at the mart I have your hand to show;
If the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave were ink,
Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS:

I think thou art an ass.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS:

Marry, so it doth appear
By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.
I should kick, being kick'd; and being at that pass,
You would keep from my heels, and beware of an ass.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS:

You are sad, Signior Balthazar; pray God our cheer
May answer my good will and your good welcome here.

BALTHAZAR:

I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome dear.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS:

O, Signior Balthazar, either at flesh or fish,
A table full of welcome makes scarce one dainty dish.

BALTHAZAR:

Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS:

And welcome more common; for that's nothing but words.

BALTHAZAR:

Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS:

Ay, to a niggardly host and more sparing guest.
But though my cates be mean, take them in good part;
Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.
But, soft; my door is lock'd: go bid them let us in.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS:

Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian, Jen!

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE:

[Within] Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch!
Either get thee from the door, or sit down at the hatch:
Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call'st for such store,
When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS:

What patch is made our porter? My master stays in the street.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE:

Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold one's feet.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS:

Who talks within there? Ho, open the door!

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE:

Right, sir; I'll tell you when an you'll tell me wherefore.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS:

Wherefore! For my dinner: I have not dined to-day.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE:

Nor to-day here you must not; come again when you may.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS:

What art thou that keep'st me out from the house I owe?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE:

The porter for this time, sir, and my name is Dromio.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS:

O villain, thou hast stolen both mine office and my name;
The one ne'er got me credit, the other mickle blame.
If thou hadst been Dromio to-day in my place,
Thou wouldst have chang'd thy face for a name, or thy name for an
ass.

LUCE:

[Within.] What a coil is there! Dromio, who are those at the
gate?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS:

Let my master in, Luce.

LUCE:

Faith, no, he comes too late;
And so tell your master.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS:

O Lord, I must laugh;--
Have at you with a proverb:--Shall I set in my staff?

LUCE:

Have at you with another: that's--When? can you tell?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE:

If thy name be called Luce,--Luce, thou hast answer'd him well.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS:

Do you hear, you minion? you'll let us in, I hope?

LUCE:

I thought to have ask'd you.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE:

And you said no.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS:

So, Come, help: well struck; there was blow for blow.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS:

Thou baggage, let me in.

LUCE:

Can you tell for whose sake?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS:

Master, knock the door hard.

LUCE:

Let him knock till it ache.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS:

You'll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.

LUCE:

What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?

ADRIANA:

[Within.] Who is that at the door, that keeps all this noise?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE:

By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly boys.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS:

Are you there, wife? you might have come before.

ADRIANA:

Your wife, sir knave! go, get you from the door.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS:

If you went in pain, master, this knave would go sore.

ANGELO:

Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome: we would fain have
either.

BALTHAZAR:

In debating which was best, we shall part with neither.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS:

They stand at the door, master; bid them welcome hither.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS:

There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS:

You would say so, master, if your garments were thin.
Your cake here is warm within; you stand here in the cold:
It would make a man mad as a buck, to be so bought and sold.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS:

Go, fetch me something, I'll break open the gate.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE:

Break any breaking here, and I'll break your knave's pate.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS:

A man may break a word with you, sir; and words are but wind;
Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE:

It seems thou want'st breaking; out upon thee, hind!

DROMIO OF EPHESUS:

Here's too much out upon thee: I pray thee, let me in.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE:

Ay, when fowls have no feathers and fish have no fin.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS:

Well, I'll break in; go borrow me a crow.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS:

A crow without feather; master, mean you so?
For a fish without a fin, there's a fowl without a feather:
If a crow help us in, sirrah, we'll pluck a crow together.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS:

Go, get thee gone; fetch me an iron crow.

BALTHAZAR:

Have patience, sir: O, let it not be so:
Herein you war against your reputation,
And draw within the compass of suspect
The unviolated honour of your wife.
Once this,--your long experience of her wisdom,
Her sober virtue, years, and modesty,
Plead on her part some cause to you unknown;
And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse
Why at this time the doors are made against you.
Be rul'd by me; depart in patience,
And let us to the Tiger all to dinner:
And, about evening, come yourself alone,
To know the reason of this strange restraint.
If by strong hand you offer to break in,
Now in the stirring passage of the day,
A vulgar comment will be made of it;
And that supposed by the common rout
Against your yet ungalled estimation
That may with foul intrusion enter in,
And dwell upon your grave when you are dead:
For slander lives upon succession,
For ever hous'd where it gets possession.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS:

You have prevail'd. I will depart in quiet,
And, in despite of mirth, mean to be merry.
I know a wench of excellent discourse,--
Pretty and witty; wild, and yet, too, gentle;--
There will we dine: this woman that I mean,
My wife,--but, I protest, without desert,--
Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal;
To her will we to dinner.--Get you home
And fetch the chain: by this I know 'tis made:
Bring it, I pray you, to the Porcupine;
For there's the house; that chain will I bestow,--
Be it for nothing but to spite my wife,---
Upon mine hostess there: good sir, make haste:
Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me,
I'll knock elsewhere, to see if they'll disdain me.

ANGELO:

I'll meet you at that place some hour hence.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS:

Do so; this jest shall cost me some expense.

[Exeunt.]

The Comedy of Errors
Prev: The Comedy of Errors: Act 2, Scene 2
Next: The Comedy of Errors: Act 3, Scene 2