I went to Chicago for the first time this weekend. It's a wonderful city, don't get me wrong. But as I walked along the Magnificent Mile Monday, in the single-digit winter air, right out in front of Kenneth Cole, I came across something that disturbed me. An older man was walking up and down Michigan Avenue in the famous Chicago wind, wearing a sandwich board that said the following:
REAL WAR:
Civilization Threatened!!
Fake Air Traffic Control Computer Failures are merely cover for
RUSSIAN
TROOP LANDINGS !!!
NEVERTHELESS, you outnumber them thousands to one!!!
ARM UP!!! Fly the Flag with Pride !!!!
and on the back...
Are the many RUSSIAN soldiers I see on these streets traveling from concealed bases in our national parks?!!
Protect the real Secretary of the Interior from being replaced by a RUSSIAN impersonator!!!
Employ Periodic DNA Tests Throughout Gov't. !!!
I took photos of this sandwich board, because I work for the government, and because I have more than a passing interest in conspiracy theories about the Russians, but also because I wanted to remember the words. Before I did, I talked to him, though.
He was amazingly lucid. The entire time we spoke, I was struck by how perfectly normal he was. He was wearing all black, including a hooded Unabomber-style sweatshirt, black sneakers, dark grey mittens.... and he looked like Tommy Lee Jones, only a little older. He was so calm, so certain.
"Hey, what's up?" I asked.
"Russians. The end of the American way of life. Our national parks are bases for an invasion from within," he said. His eyes squinted, and his bushy eyebrows made them almost disappear.
"Wow. That's rough." I tried to prod him for more information, to find out if he really believed... he did.
"Do you see any Russians now?"
"Yes."
"Don't point, I don't want you to point them out... but about how many?"
He paused, and without turning his head, his eyes swept the bustling crowd. "Maybe fifty in sight right now. Maybe more."
"Damn," I said, "that'll really make you stop and think."
"At least you can think. They don't have that luxury. They're following orders--not allowed to think. That's what they want to do."
I asked a few more questions, took a picture of each side of his sandwich board, and bid him good luck.
He didn't ask for money. He didn't make any references to Red Dawn, or Dr. Strangelove, or Men In Black, or orbital mind control lasers. He didn't want me to read a pamphlet or buy a sticker. He just wanted to spread the word: the Russians (he never said the word "Soviet") are out to destroy us from within. And when I got into work Tuesday, I found out that we had caught Robert Philip Hanssen, one of our own FBI agents, working for the Russians.
If you know who this man is, or if you've talked to him, too, post here or /msg me. Oh, and um... Arm up. Fly the flag with pride. | 
