Home Cooking Manifesto
A spectre is haunting Northern Europe, North America and parts of Australia -- the spectre of Home Cooking for Invited Guests. The perversion of Home Cooking in itself, if practiced in the seclusion of the private kitchen, is a matter between consenting adults and should not make tongues curl unduly. But it becomes a haunting spectre when made scandalously public, by the highly improper act of Inviting People Home for Dinner.
Care for my Home Heart Surgery, anyone?
Cooking is an Art form, like painting, composing music or writing poetry. Creating good art requires a gift for it, but gifted people are few and far between. This applies to the Art of Cooking as well. It is widely known that proficiency in the Art of Gourmet Cooking is a statistically rare occurence. Why then are people so eager to empirically prove -- beyond any reasonable doubt -- this deplorable statistic, by inviting friends and strangers to dinner -- in millions of American and Northern European homes? Not many are proud of their Home Heart Surgery or Home-Painted Matisse. Still, every home-made collapsed soufflé, every burnt bouillabaisse from the family hearth, is supposed to elicit sighs of admiration from disgusted dinner-guests.
Corrupting public morals
Hence the perversion of Home Cooking is not only hazardous for the palates of the dinner-guests. It also corrupts public morals by imposing a deplorable honesty-gap on the guests. As a dinner-guest, you are expected to be an accomplished liar and never utter the obvious: decent meals can only be had in decent restaurants, prepared by people who actually understand the Art of Cooking.
Guests should be taken to decent restaurants
In the culinarily competent cultures of Southern Europe (France, Italy, etc.), home cooking is not imposed on strangers. The stranger is prudently taken out to a decent restaurant instead. Thus the family's alimentary skeletons -- like Aunt Anna's overcooked vegetables and Mother Maria's terrible terrines -- remain safe among other unsavoury secrets, in the kitchen closet.
The Manifesto:
Eaters of all countries -- unite! Combat the perversion of Home Cooking for Invited Guests!
Those of us who were alive during the '50s and '60s probably fondly remember episodes of the television programs of the day which focused on "the Boss is coming to dinner." Back then, dinner parties at home were a more formal and frequent occasion than in the new millennium. It might just be my opinion, but it seems that the obligatory "having the neighbors over to dinner" and the requisite reciprocity have all but disappeared.
These days, a home dinner party is an affair held for one's friends or perhaps business associates. I am often invited to dinners at the homes of friends if only for the reason that I can be counted on to bring some good wine. Some of these affairs have been light-hearted, thoroughly enjoyable feasts. Some, sadly, left me feeling as if I'd just spent a day in the local jail and just couldn't wait to get out.
However, one needn't subscribe to the "Manifesto" of those who'd rather entertain in a restaurant in the name of "leaving it to the pros." A dinner party can be a thing of ease and delight (and much easier on one's pocketbook than a restaurant dinner) if some simple guidelines are followed.
Herewith I submit to you some suggestions for the host/cook:
Unless it's your "thing," forget about Martha Stewart and her hours of preparing crafty napkin-rings, ironing tablecloths and fancy baking. Here are some ideas to make your dinner party memorable.
An assumption made more and more often is that unless one is a gourmet chef, the proper dinner party should be hosted in a restaurant. Now, this is all well and good, however, not all of us have the means to host our dinner parties in a restaurant. A great dinner party at a fine restaurant from soup to nuts can today cost upwards of $150 per person. Another drawback to hosting one's guests in a restaurant is that there are things that one's guests simply cannot do in a restaurant (e.g., light a joint, linger until three o'clock in the morning) that one can in a private home.
First, let's assume one can, indeed afford a restaurant dinner party. Just think of what that kind of money will buy if you have the party in your home. Consider these ideas:
If you do decide to get creative and cook, beware the following no-no's:
If you don't know what kind of salad to make, find all sorts of exotic goodies and make some very good dressings (olive oil and wine vinegar will do, also) don't use bottled dressing; they're full of sugar and other additives. Set all the goodies and some field greens out on the sideboard along with some nifty salad bowls and let your guests make their own. Some suggestions for your salad bar (because even adults like to play with food):
Finally, if the centerpiece of the party is going to be something sit-down, like a movie, visit the local gourmet store and get snacks, including plenty of microwave popcorn. If there's going to be marijuana smoking involved, I suggest that before going to the store to purchase desserts and after-dinner treats like candies, ice-cream confections, bakery specialties, get high yourself so you don't buy too little!
On the other side of the coin, if this party is de luxe and the attendees are far too erudite for some good old-fashioned fun like a movie or cards, be sure you obtain the following:
This way those who do smoke the cigars often will have great fun trying to keep from laughing at the idiots who smoke rarely or not at all.
A close friend used to hire a rather large suite at a good hotel for every New Year's Eve and serve an entirely cold spread. His own home was furnished with priceless antiques and therefore his entertaining was limited to outdoor affairs in the summer months. Of course, this is a very expensive option but I thought I'd throw it out for those who, for one reason or other, cannot entertain in their own homes.
If your decision on cheese, foods, wines or liquors are made based on the need to impress someone else, you've invited the wrong people to your party. Such persons are, indeed, the ones who should be taken to a restaurant for dinner.
When in doubt, buy more. Make your table a groaning board. The left-overs can be frozen, and there's nothing more embarrassing than running out of anything when entertaining.
I've discussed here a feast for only three of the senses, basically. If all of your guests are of the same musical tastes, by all means, have everyone bring their favorite record. Discuss. This leaves us to the sense of sight.
The party that will always stand out in my mind the most was a surprise shower (the invitations specified modest gifts) for a bride- and groom-to-be. These two folks were the image of propriety when they had to be, but deep down inside they were a couple of devils. So were most of their friends. The hostess served a lovely, simple meal of fresh Mozzarella with tomatoes, filet mignon, two vegetables, and an assortment of Italian desserts with strong coffee, whipped cream and assorted cordials. The salad and dinner had been cleared by the hired help, and who should walk into the room bearing the dessert and coffee but a man and a woman wearing nothing but the tiniest of underwear (and tans that left me green with envy). I mean, these two individuals were stunning. This was an ingenious alternative to the rite of the stag party where only Heaven knows what goes on, and the boring bridal shower where everyone oohs and aahs over small kitchen appliances. Suffice it to say that by 2:00 in the morning all the boring guests had left. By 2:30 the two models were fucking like minks on the living room rug, and by 3:00 the party had turned into a semi-orgy.
Well, cheerio and good luck! Entertaining needn't be drudgery and can turn out to be rather fun!
Bear in mind that here in London a meal at a fairly average pizza restaurant can easily reach $75 per head. More if people have three courses and a few beers. My local fine dining restaurant has a price guide of $120 per head before wine.
This is emphatically not aimed at people stuck in a 1980s timewarp who think holding a dinner party means cooking a Michelin-star quality meal and have all the knives, forks and napkins to match.The first, the main. and the primary rule is to keep it simple. You want to make your guests feel comfortable and you want to have a good time. You can't do that if you are ensuring that the soufflés are rising at the precise moment your guests are sitting down to eat. The second rule is that if you at all in doubt about cooking a particular dish, then don't. If there's nothing you feel comfortable cooking, then you can still entertain at home. Just buy in a take-away. Indian, Chinese, pizze, fish and chips: anything, so long as you know it's going to be good. Sharing food together is one of the oldest rituals of all time. And it's more about the sharing than the food. Or it should be.So from long experience -- as both guest and host -- of dinner parties, supper parties, lunch parties and what have you, here is my recipe for a relaxed time with friends over food.
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