| The advantages of this item are numerous and extremely useful. Aside from obvious uses such as a consistent company at all times of day and night, the Personal Jesus has been popularised as an essential item to have around the house and garden, or to carry around with oneself while doing errands, going to work or enjoyimg leisure time. Let me expand. Having a personal god is not only tremendously cool for its own sake, but it also implies endowing you, the owner, with some of this godly power. Who would ever fuck with you if you were walking with a god? Everyone is a little scared of gods and as Personal Jesus ownership increases, you DEFINTELY don't want to be the one without such a formidable bodyguard. Things will be much less expensive with a Personal Jesus. Now you must be thinking - how can this be, if I now have another mouth to feed besides my own? Ah, your lack of lateral thought worries me, my brother! Jesuses can go without food for months at a time - been known to fast of their own free will for forty days in the desert. And not only that, you need not buy more than five loaves and two fish from your supermarket, say once every two weeks, and the Jesus will multiply them for you so that you will not need to go to the supermarket again. This also goes for alcohol. The Personal Jesus can and will use his abilities to turn a simple glass of water into vintage wine. Imagine how amazed your friends will be when after your store-bought wine has finished, you can amuse them with your Personal jesuses' own vintage blend! All this already mentioned would have been enough to send all of you rushing to purchase a Personal Jesus (or a handy-and-fun DIY Jesus kit). However we have not even scraped the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the efficiency of a Personal Jesus - the best was saved for the last. Your Personal Jesus cannot die. And neither will you. With supernatural powers, the Personal Jesus will resurrect you with as little pain as possible. The Personal Jesus however, does come with some, if tiny, disadvantages. Talking to the devil, starting up minor revolutions and bring hordes of lepers to your doorstep may be some of them. Fortunately, the Personal Jesus comes with a 24 hour-a-day troubleshooting hotline, which you may consult if things turn real nasty. | 
